Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Ravix You are exactly (checks) almost four hundred thousand characters out of the loop, and those are private, not part of what was said here. I wouldn't even try to catch up. I spent three weeks writing (not here) In total it's more like seven hundred thousand characters, and rising. I don't talk to people, ever. You are, different, in a good way. So even if you are out of the loop you still made a difference. Nothing you've said has been 'insignificant words amount to basically nothing'. You didn't even have to be here to make a difference.

and I can't make any tangible changes to our existences.

• You already did. You were the one who got me back into listening to Metal again, Screamo too. All in one night. That was better than any Christmas gift, on some level I wanted to but couldn't make that choice. You did it for me and never even realized. Weird? I'm being honest, it made a huge difference.

I'm still shocked that anyone else knew the bands we shared and even more shocked that Underoath was at the top of your wrap-up even if I still can't see mine. I think what happened is that my account was registered elsewhere, it's banned there as a service, so when I break that ban I can use my account on the App and access all my playlists but if I try to do it with the browser it goes no where. It's speculation, all I know is I have my music and things like Daily Mix, Recommended for Today, and Discover Weekly. They might outsource the Wrap Up. I depend on Discover Weekly to find new bands, it's the best part of the service. I never not find at least one new song. It helps to find and choose new music, choose as in what I said about choice. That's not Control, that's helping someone. The same way Plus+ helps to choose games for me.

If you woke up tomorrow and you could technically have every game ever made, how would you pick just one? You wouldn't, it would start to overwhelm you. Maybe you'd become some awful stuck-up entitled idiot who takes something for granted just because it's there, you'd lose your authentic self. Perhaps you'd need Someone in your life to ensure you had some kind of structures, rules and guidance, Someone older, wiser, Someone you can trust. I know you understand what I mean.

This will, of course, melt away any real stresses, anxieties, depressions, lethargies or any related negative conditions that may or may not be present in you currently because I just have this inate power, clearly!

• If you had that Santa staff you could. I don't feel the first three, I can't and it's extremely hard to explain that. Or rather; If I was outside I'd feel the first one in spades and get away from that place fast. I feel it now even typing those words, and you go there probably daily, which, nope, absolutely not, that's terrifying, Hell no. That's anxiety. But in summation if I can't feel those things, it's easier to talk, hence the almost seven hundred thousand characters. If I felt even one of those things I wouldn't say a word. I'd never join any site. It's a boon not a curse. One I know how to use.

I understand stress as it pertains to a person, I've never experienced it, the same for depression, I've never felt that either. It's not because I'm lazy and don't even know how tea works. The ability to do it isn't there anymore. Those files were deleted, you already understand how. I don't need to elaborate. I understand it, I've seen the best professionals and read countless books about psychology. I can and do experience happiness (I'm a very happy person) If you understand my lifestyle offline you'll see why, it's all by proxy, psychology and brain chemistry, all natural. I found something that works, profoundly so. Others in my position haven't, I know this because I do work with organizations and charities who deal with the same thing. Those people are lost, I'm not. But I can provide a map.

It's all careful psychology, people see what they want to see.

Detention and prevention are two very different things. Perspective is everything to an observer (you) without it you are as blind as I am to my emotions. That's why I've tried to be truthful, to add clarity, not to confuse you or any of the other people you tagged.

If someone deletes my posts, they don't have that perspective. So can I blame them? no. They confuse oversharing for being factual. It's all I know, factual to you is information. If you switch the words 'emotions' to 'factual', that's how my mind operates. I need factual information. It creates a kind of bluntness that I'm completely blind to. That's why I might at times sound (depressed?) I'm not, I'm grateful for many things and highly energetic.

I'm not blind to your emotions, and I think that matters, to have empathy for others. It's like I told Tjuz 'if you fell in the snow' I'd think 'oh no I hope Tjuz is okay', if I did 'stop being clumsy', it's automatic. I can't self validate that empathy, and I'm not going to lie and pretend I do. Especially if you've noticed that in my language or words, which Tjuz did and was honest enough to tell me. I have Someone in my life who can do it for me, and it works. You thought the music I shared was (sad?) not to me, I was there for the modulation and the dynamic range. This band I'm listening to now are screaming away, I hardly hear them, but I do feel them, the instruments, all of it.

The past doesn't affect me, I'm blind to it. Which is why the kind of (trauma?) you see, just isn't there for me, more-so 'big deal it happened, so how? and why?', I don't get bogged down like SnowRunner in the past, I study it like Disco Elysium or L.A. Noire. I believe in 'why' not 'why me', I'd never let the latter cloud my progression, I don't feel the latter. If I spend years connecting the dots I can present my findings as 'real' and make a difference. I can't do my batman thing if I felt those things, it's a super power. I didn't just watch Batman, I studied it, that was the only way I registered certain qualities in myself and it worked. How? They write books about the psychology of Batman, and of other characters, very in-depth, well-written, that's what I did.

That book might bore you to tears, I saw it as something else.

I don't need to feel what I highlighted to understand it, but I can't understand it without the source material. And it needs to be properly compiled and without bias, just honest and blunt, like me. If someone hit delete right now on what I wrote, I wouldn't know why, I'd be blind to the reason and probably just log off again, I think you deserve honesty, not confusion or to worry about someone when they are really okay, they just don't know how to show it. And I don't.

I use knowledge, facts, and my resources to understand that same past, if I can use it to help someone in the future or in the present, then I've done some good. It's really that simple. I don't want to confuse or offend anyone, just make a difference and raise awareness to something I do understand.

If I felt even one of those emotions you mentioned, well we'd never have even met on here because I wouldn't be on here. I don't mean that in a negative way. That super-power allows me to stay goal orientated, gives analytical clarity and provides a bridge that I need to understand other people. Your world is different from mine in a billion ways, I'm curious of yours. Where else will I see it? Movies aren't real and I don't watch TV, I haven't seen the news-media in six years now. I've been getting it here, from you, from others, bite-sized. If someone said 'you are part of the problem', they did, do you think I understood that? I didn't know what they were talking about, that particular issue had been kept from me. I didn't even know what Covid was before I caught it myself, you think you are out of the loop? You really aren't, I can't name even one thing that happened in the world throughout the whole of December, or perhaps in the whole of twenty twenty five (I'm thinking and other than gaming, there's nothing) Here's an example, I didn't know who the current U.S. President was until I was in the same room as him, that's not a joke, why would I need to know? What bearing would he have on my day, or any other world leader I've met, that's your world not mine.

That might sound weird? that's life. What difference would knowing even do? I'm no politician, so why would I want to know about something I can't fix? why do you? You aren't a politician either, it's not your job to fix that issue. It's up to whoever caused the problem, not you, nor me. It would just be doom and gloom all day and it might slowly wear you down. Especially if you allow it to cloud your perception of the world, you'd externalize it all as 'the world is a horrible place', is it? I doubt it. I've been all around the world and see none of it, but I refuse to believe it's a bad place.

I'll find out on my own terms, factual, and over time, not 'breaking news', just tell me in ten years. I've no time in my day for doom and gloom, Every day is an opportunity to study, to learn, to grow not to allow something out of my control to Control me, I have a different kind of structure for that and it works.

I don't need to self-validate emotions to learn, if anything it makes it easier, there's less internal clutter. I have a lot of empathy for you, absolutely overflowing rivers of it (should I not?) and I understand you have it for me, I just don't register it internally, just the language of the words meaning. If someone does delete this I'll find a way to get it to you, even if I have to pay Underoath to turn it into a song, the alternative is enabling some kind of confusion. Why would I do that? You've been honest with me, I'm honest in return.

I took every word you and Tjuz said to me, copied it (big document) then showed it to someone on another network. Someone I trust. A number of days later they returned with their verdict, I need them to be blunt, they were. I asked them what I'd missed. Apparently a lot. I did the same thing yesterday when three of my posts were deleted. I needed the clarity. I was blind to the bluntness and what was 'wrong' about it. If people expect you to know right from wrong when you have no basis for it? Then what? you leave and return to the world that you do understand. I understand those rules, I understand that train of thought, I'm trying to understand yours. There's no other way to do it, it's either this or nothing. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt.

If you are familiar with H.G. Wells and War of the Worlds. Pretend I'm a martian, Red too, and all of the other martians have lost their minds.

'as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as one with a microscope' I'm the one with the microscope, not those giant walker things on Horsell Common, and if you live in Surrey that's just a coincidence. What I'm saying is that our worlds are so far apart that we might as well be those one hundred and forty million miles apart. Earth called those Rovers 'Curiosity and Perseverance' for a reason. I understand both meanings, and as long as I have both I have a way to learn, and to grow. That's why I've talked to you, and the others. I'm not sad, I'm curious, very very very curious. You would be too if ninety nine percent of reality was kept from you, what would that make you? One percent.

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@Ravix Goose maybe? I don't really know my birds at four in the morning.

I genuinely thought you were talking about it weeks ago to me as well, as you were asking why people would even want to ever go outside and stuff like that. I don't know if you outright said it, but, you know, some of the things we talked about were kind of mental health related anyway.

• That's sounds like something that would naturally come out. I don't know what's out there or why people do it. I spent the first ten years of my life inside, my parents were off the grid so it was just me, staff, etc, I didn't even notice those years. I do remember the first time I saw nature though, that was surreal. I wasn't inside because I had agoraphobia, no one brought me outside, not past my home at least. I normalized that, it still feels normal. The agoraphobia part is due to due incidents of people wanting what others have, which I understand but take money not people. So after the first time that agoraphobia developed, then subsided a little, then a couple of years ago it happened again, they didn't get me but it was enough to amplify what was already there. It all combined like that game with the big ball that rolls around collecting everything and my mind said 'nope we're not going out there again', I agreed.

And you have definitely mentioned panic attacks before. But I don't want to be too forward and just ask stuff on the internet in an open forum or make you feel bad about anything.

• I don't feel bad about it at all, I don't miss what I never had. I hardly went outside before those two events. Each one was in a different country, the last one was only a couple of years ago, very loud, very public, they didn't care if anyone else got hurt. Greed blinds people too.

I'll show you an example of where my mind was at the time. And give brief context. After the first time I was terrified of everything, one noise, the breeze, I started stealing peoples firearms (Russia legal) and hiding them in my bedroom. It was like the Hitman game, I was wandering the environment lifting everything and bringing it back to the bunker under my bed. They started to find them.

So to fix the problem I was brought to an arms show, to buy some small rifles of my own. I saw this truck, it was doing a life fire exercise, so loud and powerful, like brtbrtbrtbrtbrt, amazing. There were Navy Seals, Spetsnaz, all kinds of military from around the world doing exercises, that's how I've photographed so many special forces units. But my eyes were locked on that truck. I saw it as 'that's safety, I need it!!!', I thought it was the answer to everything.

'we are really trying for that thing' that's my friend, the one who fled Russia. for all the years we knew each other I wanted that truck. She didn't know why either.

I thought 'I'd go outside' if I had that. I was a child and thought I could drive it around and be safe, that's a Gatling gun. So I asked my Dad for my birthday 'what?! no', then I met my Ex and asked him for another birthday 'absolutely not', then I asked my current Partner for a recent birthday. He looked into why I even wanted it, realized something that no one else did, now I don't need or want it anymore. He saw the connection, the soldiers during the exercise looked just like the ones who helped remove me from that first event. No one else realized that, so for years I kept asking for that truck. I even asked Santa, no truck. But now I don't need it, would I accept it? Absolutely. That's also why I do need that little extra Controlling guidance in my life, without it I'd be zooming around with a Gatling gun. I'm not kidding.

uh oh, we're going to end up having two conversations in parallel again. but it is amazing the depth you can go with these things. And I will reply to some of the stuff from the music thread.

• I have to. To quake and shake and cry would be to admit defeat, it's better to push forward and understand something. My Partner is a big part of that too, when we first met he introduced me to daily therapy. That lasted for months, now it's only once a week, that's mainly prevention and a familiar face. I didn't even speak before he did that, he's a very Intelligent Person and fixed a lot of things. Now I have the ability to analyze anything, good, bad, it doesn't affect me because I feel neither. Just study it.

Yeah, i'm not saying anything is factually right or wrong about those things, so you know, I was just surprised when you said about snowmaiden and talked about the suggestive way it is used now.

• In the spirit of honesty. I was raised to reject traditional moral rules, particularly concerning certain conduct. You see restraints, I'm morally unrestrained. Which normally isn't a problem because life is life but you are Ravix and you live in a very different world. In a different society, where people are more 'oh that's naughty, you mustn't do that, where are your morals?'.

I don't want to turn your hair white with what I think is con-sensually acceptable in my life. The things I talked to Tjuz in private probably would. But that's all by choice, all by consent, the same way I told you tonight that I applaud anyone who wants equality in gender, I don't want it. I'd rather lie down and die in the forest like that Norwegian man said on this thread, he meant it about losing nature and staying inside. If someone tried to force gender equality on me tomorrow, hell no, you keep it, I'm good thank you. I know my place and I'm very comfortable there on the floor. I wasn't raised with equality, my relationship isn't built around it, I enjoy the massive discrepancy, it's bliss. Which I'm sure is extremely hard to understand, but it really is. I'll always put Him first, by choice. I have a little snow maiden in myself too, but this is PG and like I said you need your hair colour.

but I can't lie, I believe kids need to be protected better from some things, which you also understand.

• I agree, but I can't discuss that past here and again you need your hair colour. I'm an adult now, I'm self-aware.

If we can veer off, the UK is kind of known for having kids shows use adult oriented jokes (hidden meanings). That kind of thing is hilarious, and probably not damaging as kids wouldnt have a clue what they were on about anyway, and it is more to make young parents laugh, or stoners. Mostly stoners.

• I have no idea I was never allowed to watch Western children's shows. I saw badly dubbed Sesame Street, and I think that's about it. I haven't seen things like Pokemon, or the others, but I know Sylveon from the Build a Bear store, the others? no idea. I don't think I was shown U.K. children's shows either.

It should be a parents job to protect.

• I'll be blunt. In my Family the tradition is for the women to raise the girls, the men raise the boys. Instead of raising me herself my Mum purchased an island somewhere (no idea where, still) and went off the grid, my Dad showed up ten years later and realized she'd just left me at home with staff etc. I'd see him maybe once per year and he had no idea. Ten years, she bounced between properties in Europe too, I can't say I know what a parents job is. I believe children need to be protected but parents are another species to me. Security isn't, that's protection. That truck I wanted, that's protection, parents protecting? I honestly don't know because I have very little reference point there.

but then kids have access to so much tech these days, too so you'd hope they are protected.

• So did I back then, and that's why I do what I do now. And a lot more, I know what can happens when that access is allowed, I experienced the results for ten years.

Let me slap this in the chit chat thread, instead of replying in music, at least. But I might post some Eddie Vedder in the music section now, for fun and extra confusion.

• Slap away, it looks like it's almost five in the morning. I'm going to see if sleep happens, He's away on a business trip, I'm still jet-lagged so I stayed in England. I'm going to copy this, if it's gone later (today?) I'll show it to a friend and ask her to explain what's not appropriate (I'm blind to it honestly) Then try to do it again. Thank you for the conversations, you helped again without realizing it.

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@Ravix I'm going to explain to you why I needed (thought I needed that truck) I don't think it's inappropriate either, people see the same thing when they watch documentaries on hostage situations and footage of theater sieges. It's hard to explain a lot of it, no one really filled in the blanks, maybe one day.

The same thing I'm going to say happened to lots of children in Moscow but none of them will talk about it, I've tried to get more context for years. Those records are sealed by State Intelligence. England is the number one capital of people borrowing, English Folk don't even realize it, but it is. It's never reported. All throughout lock down people were lifted because groups knew they'd be at home. I was only in school in England for maybe three months and I knew at least four people who'd had it happen to someone in their Family, or to someone they knew. One girls Family, sent the money, and never got her Dad back. South America.

Mine wasn't fun by any stretch of the imagination but I've replaced a lot of the 'bad' with curiosity because it did lead to that first burst of agoraphobia. Then the second event amplified it, then a third event solidified it in stone. After this first event I stopped wanting to go outside. I already went no where alone. It's short and I don't remember a lot of it. I think it's important because it shows what happens when one country goes somewhere it shouldn't , and does things it shouldn't. Which is probably where my anti-war sentiment originated from. That early, it became a template for how I see conflict today.

I'm not giving the age but I'll say ten for example. We were coming back from the city. Driving on a red road. Basically a road where Party Officials/State Officials/Etc have to go fast, often with blue flashing lights, no slowing down and never with a single vehicle. It's red because it's a stretch of secluded road and it's the kind of place an ambush might happen. There had been an alert sent out that day, we only had one car. We should have had at least two maybe three. Some back home have ten, even travel with a converted ambulance, people take security seriously. I'll never give my current number, but it's definitely not one.

It was the driver and I, he was driving normally because he had to answer a phone-call. Protocol in that situation is that a passenger never talks to the driver, phone or not. It's no different than trying to have a conversation with a pilot before take-off or while performing a landing. They need to retain that heightened state of awareness. The same when I'm 'shopping', we just use hand signals and hand-grips, then leave when we have to. I have to respect their methods and professionalism. He was trying to talk on the phone, and to me at the same time. He missed some obvious warning signs, we were being followed by two vehicles. My fault, not his.

Someone hit us from behind and ran us off the road. I just remember flying forward but in slow motion, which is really weird to say but it honestly did feel like time slowed down. He'd locked the doors and they were shouting to open them (armored) I'm not sure why he did, that model could have taken a round from a rocket. They only had rifles. Either way he did and they cut my seat-belt with those big scissors gardeners use, then shot and injured him. He was fine, big strong man, I spoil his children rotten at every chance. He still feels bad about what happened but I've never blamed him, I was at fault, he wasn't.

They took me, somewhere. I think we drove around all night because it was dark when we got there. There were five men, all in black with army pants, a woman who I'd say was in her twenties, blue jeans and black sort of nuns-habit. They all had firearms, but I'd been around them my whole life so that didn't bother me. They weren't loud, didn't shout at me, didn't do anything dramatic like tie me up, just told me to sit quietly. They went through my bag and found nothing really, just some pens and a sketchbook, which they let me have. I don't know what you'd call the building, I'd call it a dacha. A sort of little country house. I knew it was the countryside because they'd go outside to talk and smoke cigarettes, they'd leave the door open and I'd hear birds and things. At night I heard things too, possibly foxes. Something.

There was a tiny blue kitchen, tiny green living-room with a sofa, a TV that was never turned on, a tiny bathroom, a tiny bedroom (mine) Not much else. I just thought 'Adults, this is fine'. I didn't even register what had just happened. They had no idea who I was. They'd been driving that road looking for diplomatic plates, that's why the alert was sent out. They asked me three sheets of questions, none I could answer. They were asking where my parents were and I was trying to explain 'what parents?', they didn't understand at all. I did give them my Dad's name, that stopped the questions. Then I suppose they made some calls outside. I'm still not sure what they asked for, someone else told me it might have been a swap. It's hard to know, so many records are sealed. I've made requests and have always been told not to ask about it, not to talk about. My Mum calls it a phase, then it happened again, not a phase.

I know where their county is now, I didn't then. They got more, not friendly, I'm not sure what the word is. They saw me as a person when I told them my name and talked about life, which was brief because all I did all day was play. My routine was wake-up to breakfast, someone dressed me etc then 'go play', that was it, I had no bedtime, just 'sleep when you get tired'. Which is what I still have except 'go play' has been replaced by study, read, tutors, physical training, art etc. Back then there was no routine so I couldn't really tell them anything. I don't even know what children do today, unless it's movies but Adventures in Babysitting and Goonies are a bit of a stretch. What did you do as a child?

The woman gave me cheese, bread and my very first soda. Which must have been strange for them because she gave me the whole bottle and I had no tolerance to sugar. I'd hardly even been given sugar before because 'candy was drugs, soda was drugs'. It was like drinking rocket fuel, I couldn't sit still. I've never had soda since. She could cook too, some kind of rice and meat dish. I think even tea, but no more soda.

I have no idea how many days it was, I spent most of the day sitting on the sofa drawing while they talked among themselves. I know I wasn't allowed to draw them, they'd seen I tried and took the paper. I think it was the woman I tried to draw. I think I asked about the TV too, but now I think it was broken. That was pretty much how each day went, then at night I'd just sleep. Oh they had a radio, so there was music too, but briefly each day and never in the evenings.

Then one day the woman started talking about children to me and I thought she meant me. She'd lost her children, in a military operation that my country were responsible for (exactly) and I think something snapped. Moods changed, they talked about reliving me of my head, and I absolutely did not want that. That's why my Ex beheaded two hundred of my stuffed animals, he knew it would get a reaction when he mailed them back. It did, it amplified not wanting to go outside again. He accidentally left one head with the rest. I renamed him Fred the Head. I brought him everywhere, he shows up now and then because 'you left this here', Fred gets around, but yes I wanted to keep my head. Is Fred weird, maybe?

I think it's weirder for a grown man (Sadist/psychopath) to remove two hundred stuffed animal heads, I don't even know how long it took him. I don't know what he did with the heads either, he mailed back the bodies. He knew what he was doing and was aiming right at what I wrote above, it worked. We went into lockdown for a week until he could be tracked down. They were checking airports, airfields and cars for him, that was the third burst of agoraphobia. My mind said 'okay we are 100% most definitely positively absolutely not going outside again!', I agreed.

He was out there, and tried to get me back for weeks. My friend had been compiling conversations with me for months, she was trying to get enough evidence to give to my Family so I'd leave him. Then one night she convinced me to call to be pulled out. It's a number I can use any time to be removed from wherever I am. People come, and do the rest. Anywhere, anytime. My friend knew all about it.

They came right to the restaurant, got him to stand down, physically took me straight to a waiting plane and he went ballistic. They'd disabled his cars outside too, so I'm sure that didn't help. I didn't care about anything but my stuffed animals, they were and are my children. He knew and went straight back to our home and did that. He's why you asked about that Maroon 5 song, he's that 'Animal'. He's persona non grata in London now too, or I won't live here. If word comes down that's he's been spotted we go into lockdown again, or leave the country for an undisclosed location.

She was right, he was trying to remove every online contact. The guy he tasked to do it read every PSN message and if it seemed like I was a little too friendly with a boy or girl then boom gone. I'd slowly been losing PS5 friends and thought they were unfriending me, they weren't. He was doing it for months. Then I'd ask and 'people are just that way, you don't need them'.

My friend thought he was trying to isolate me because we returned from a trip one day and all my PS5 contacts were gone, my encrypted emails were cracked (not easy) my phone contacts were gone and all my message histories. About a month later my friend convinced me to get pulled out. I see the same thing now when I work with domestic survivors and organizations. That kind of crazy doesn't choose a class, it's everywhere, and unfortunately rampant. The difference is that he had unlimited resources, and he was hell-bent on taking me back. Hence my third top-up of agoraphobia. I don't need a fourth.

I was ducking as I passed windows at home, stealing peoples firearms again, sneaking into peoples beds at night (while they were in them) Staff and anyone staying over were freaked out. One lady thought I was a ghost because I appeared at the end of her bed in the dark, she screamed the roof down and the guys came rushing in. It was the long hair and nightgown, most people don't expect such a thing at the end of their bed in the dark. She was so scared, even after she knew it was me. I got in big trouble. Then they put a man in my room at night with a book or newspaper and a big big rifle, I still didn't sleep. I wanted the very big rifle and they absolutely weren't giving me one (just as well)

That continued for I don't know how long until my Partner attended a dinner party, he asked was I not tired. I told him no, and that I was in trouble for sneaking into peoples beds at night. He said he wouldn't mind if I snuck (sneaked?) into his. He asked my parents if that was okay (I was the legal age) they said it was. So I did, he was a gentleman and didn't do anything untoward, I even ate breakfast after he suggested it.

Three days later he convinced me to go into the city for dinner, we were the only ones there, they closed it for us. My parents needed me out of the house, I was being too much of a ghost and a ninja so they gave him a one month observation arrangement. The next day we flew to London together, one month later we sealed the arrangement and now he's my sun, moon, stars, world, universe and multiverse, my happily ever after. When I do venture outside it's because he's got the skills, and psychological know-how to make it possible, if even briefly. No one else could or can. He understands my psychology like you understand that medieval game you are always talking about, inside out basically. So outside becomes possible, a little.

But yes after those six people mentioned my possibly not having a head things changed. They did things, said things. That was the end of the sofa. They took my drawings too (I wish I had them today) and locked me in the bedroom. I think that was only one day. I drew on a wall, they didn't care. I had to do something to stay active. I didn't even have any stuffed animals there, just some ceramic duck I found.

I went to bed as usual then woke up that night, or the night after to a lot of shouting and so many lights flooding in, they'd covered the windows and I still saw light. I went under the bed. I heard a lot of fire crackers, then nothing, just crunching and it got closer. Someone shined a light under the bed, I saw the flag of my country on their shoulder. He pulled me out, covered my eyes with their arm. He must have had gun oil on his sleeve because now when I smell that type I'm sort of back there again, prevention means I and everyone else use an odorless kind. It was really strong, and sort of embedded itself in my memory. So did he, I remember his eyes clearly, even his eyebrows, I never saw the rest of his face but I remember those eyes. He was young. I never got to thank him, I do want to, someday. He carried me over those crunchy things (glass I'd assume) then over more things (those people) I might have looked (I won't say) but they were gone. This is the common result in such events. Pointless loss of life.

He brought me outside sat me down, on something. I don't know the name, the back part of a truck. I'll use a picture for reference from maybe a week ago, I did go 'outside' sort of.

And you had some influence in that. Like I said to you last night, you helped and you weren't even here.

That part of the vehicle, and yes that does count as outside. It's when we went somewhere isolated after all of the static of Christmas. My friends on the other network kept saying I needed to go for a drive, you did too, then Tjuz, then my Partner said the same thing. I met everyone (even you) half way. It counts. I managed twenty minutes then we left again. He does want pictures, memories etc, but outside of said vehicles, it's easier said than done. I walked a little then straight back to the cars, then we left.

After that soldier sat me down on that back part he started to talk, I heard nothing, I just saw his mouth moving and his eyes. I'd like to know what he was telling me but it's gone, like a lot of those other memories. Then something hit? happened? I don't know but I lost a week and remember nothing else after that. I was told about some things that happened after, I remember none of them. But I've seen some of what they mentioned, in my more recent behavior to certain situations.

My take-away is this; (hence so very anti-war)

I saw what I experienced as collateral, others might see it differently. No one was right in that situation. What I saw as safety and freedom that night is now seen as the complete opposite somewhere else. I need the whole story to understand something and to make up my mind, I was only given one side. That woman tried to give me hers too, I understand her mood. I don't remember much else about it, I dream about it and it's very vivid. But the whole thing was so random, they had no idea who I was so it couldn't have been personal. They saw a symbol, leverage, I'm sure they had some kinds of demands and instead they lost something else. It's pointless, a cycle of continued aggression and collateral. I don't even hate them, nor can I hate a whole country for the action of six people. I'm not sure what unit was sent that night (I have an idea) but they are somewhere else right now continuing a cycle that is once again pointless and some other child is suffering because of it and unlike me they probably have nothing. Pointless is the only word I have, others around me have other words. They weren't there, I was. I have to live with it, they don't.

I've tried to find that dacha but had no luck and if I ask offline I get shut down, I'd like to see it. Maybe to unlock some more memories, perhaps pay respects to that woman, bad or not she was still a person and she'd lost more than I did, and have. So I get it.

The second event was faster and only lasted maybe ten minutes. They did it in a country where it was common, it was much louder. I'd been playing Valhalla that day, then we left for something. They hit us once we got there, and in public too, with zero regard for other people. I heard they'd been hitting villas in Spain too, possibly some other regions. This is very common and like I said it doesn't get reported, ever. It's handled internally, countries don't want the image of 'it's not safe here for investors'. All I'd say is watch HEAT, that's what it felt and sounded like. I don't fully know who they were, I know what they wanted, me, ransom. I've talked to people who've been borrowed before but it's always something more close to home. I talked to someone through an organization recently who said a parent lost custody and took them across State lines, for years. I told them my experiences with being borrowed, the same with the others, different worlds. I don't think most people have agoraphobia for the same reasons, either way that's it. And very PG I'd say.

So in a nutshell, that's why I wanted a Gatling gun. I don't anymore, I have Someone better than that.