Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Tjuz Oh okay, I never heard that term before. It's only illegal because teaching about other genders and gay rights is now fully locked down as extremism. I hinted that, perhaps what would happen if I met some of my girlfriends friends and that went down really badly. I meant just to talk to them, she has a bunch of them. They go to clubs and things but I've never met them, and it's been years. It's probably the most confusing part of life, just that one thing. All it is is love, I asked my Partner too and I knew by his reaction that he wasn't buying the 'because it's wrong', but we didn't have the conversation. I do have my three questions for you. If they get removed for being inappropriate then I'm really missing the mark. I wrote one each week, so three weeks three questions with the best English I have.

I have three questions for you. I saved them for last. Obviously I'm curious about you too.

My first question (week 1)

I'll avail of my friend from Saint Petersburg to form both. When she would visit, Moscow, London, wherever. I've lived in many countries, she would always visit. There was a limit to how long she could stay indoors before the walls closed in, it didn't matter how many acres of land there was. On the third day she'd take a book, dismiss any offers of a driver, take a car, and just disappear for hours. I'd wake up and she would be gone. Three days was her limit, she would find a park or such and sit there reading. I do that too, but 'outside' means high walls even if they are in the boundaries of that draw distance. So yes her limit was three days, my record was one year. I know it was a year because I remember visiting relatives for Christmas and never leaving my home again until we did it again. I didn't even notice the seasons, it was quite some time ago but time didn't register. It was normal.

So my question for you is this. If you did have all of the above, the amenities offered to my friend, food, drink, what you called luxury the first time we talked. How long do you think you could last before those walls did close in? I would assume that the answer might differ per-person and the reasoning might possibly be divergent, but I don't think most would last a year. Perhaps a kind of mental break might occur. But that's okay because the doctors would come to you. Now apply the lack of outside media as in the news media, which for me now has been five years, six in January. Nor social media so you can't 'talk' to people. You would be effectively cut off from knowing what's happening around the world, and as for privacy that too is limited because you would never be alone, for your own good. Others come and go and you have to keep up appearances. I.E. you can't slouch on your appearance, there are no 'days off'. I'm genuinely curious how long you'd last. I'll admit it's an impossible question but I still have to ask it.

My second question (week 2)

Have you read, or seen The Devil Wears Prada? During the finale Miranda (Meryl Streep) delivers a very important line. Her protégé Andy (Anne Hathaway) has decided that she wants to leave her position, and in doing so leave behind a life of luxury and Elitism. Miranda believes that her lifestyle is highly coveted. She believes that everyone covets power and influence because it's all she knows. It's a critical moment. Andy ultimately weighs her personal ambition against her personal values, and decides to leave. Andy had a choice, she had the ability to confront her own reflection in the mirror. She understood how ruthless she would need to be to acquire prestige. She understood the price of choice. The line is 'Everybody wants to be us'. Us is important, she's acknowledging that she'd already had to be ruthless in order to attain that position of power. I see it as the moment where Andy is no longer an outsider looking in, rather she has become just like Miranda. The realization then comes that she's sacrificed her integrity to belong to a world that once mocked her. It then becomes a catalyst for her to walk away. I believe it showcases a very real truth. That society values status and power over personal well-being. I don't think you can really win when the price is your humanity. Do you?

My third question. (week 3)

Do you think you can miss something you've never had?

We discussed philosophy recently in the book thread. MD82 mentioned Marcus Aurelius, I followed up with Friedrich Nietzsche. Both understood the importance of solitude. They saw removing oneself from the herd as a way to work on your authentic self, and that through isolation one could attain clear thinking, and self-mastery. This is a common belief in philosophic teaching, one I've always embraced. I don't see solitude as loneliness. I see it as a way to work on self-improvement, and to learn. I prefer to learn about something after the fact, years later in a well written book. Fact checked and tangible.

This also goes back to what I originally said about being decades behind you. I can, and do live in the now, my idea of now is very different than yours. The very nature of generational wealth means we are born into old world standards. I don't see now as 'insert breaking news story here', my days aren't defined by what's happening in the world. They are defined by my own obedience, thoughts and how I conduct myself around the Ones whom I matter to. It keeps my mind free of unnecessary clutter, I don't waste time worrying about the things I can't see, I'm simply not aware of them. Nor most days the days of the week, certainty not the months. I see that as inner peace. And some people need a little inner peace to function.

I don't embrace or follow societal standards because I'm not a member of that society or the world as a whole. I embrace the laws, rules, protocols and structure of my own society. One that might seem intense, strict, exploitive, violent even. A society you might not understand, but I don't understand yours either. I've only ever been shown one way to live, through another Person.

Agoraphobia doesn't mean a person has to spend every waking moment thinking about what's out there, I don't (it's not mine) I focus on something else entirely, personal growth and learning. You said you'd miss your privacy if you did have someone follow you around all day with a bulge in their jacket, that you'd struggle to put a price on the balance between privacy, safety and freedom.

I find it hard to miss the things I've never had, does that make sense?

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@GirlVersusGame Well, I'm happy to answer any questions you have, so here I go!

As far as your first question, like you said, it's a rather impossible question. I can only compare it to my teen years. Practically my entire time in high school (which includes when I first joined PushSquare!), I was not doing well mentally or physically. I would go to school, yes, but it'd be highly inconsistent. Lots of times I'd be genuinely sick, and other times I would fake illness for weeks just to not have to go. I think, at my worst, I had an attendance of roughly half the time I was expected to be there. I was "lucky" enough that I was able to get away with it in the sense that I was dealing with genuine physical issues for a lot of my childhood, so I was always able to blame it on that whether it was real or not. Eventually, I faked it so bad that I was out for months. This is going to sound pretty sociopathic because it is, but I had actual physical and mental rehabilitation courses for about half a year when I pulled that one off. It ultimately resulted in my having the "perfect" excuse to quit school entirely, and so I did.

Of course in those times I was still forced to go outside simply by having responsibilities as a teen, but when school fell away and the rehabilitation dried up... it was me and my four walls for a couple of years there. There'd be weeks where I would have absolutely no reason to go outside and all and I wouldn't. Eventually, I got more therapy and such that gave me at least a weekly outing of two hours, but that's still mostly what it amounted to for a long time. So... there hasn't been any moment where I've genuinely not seen the outside for probably more than a month, but if there hadn't been any responsibilities, I can imagine there would have been. There's no way I would reach a year simply because my family would bring me outside for birthdays or Christmas and such, which I would've never said no to. But I do think I'd probably last longer than the average person with the walls closing in because I've already been there. The only thing there I can't imagine is being completely cut off. Being online was basically my lifeline there and kept me even a miniscule of sane amongst all of my issues. Maybe if it hadn't been there, I would've felt the need to force myself outside much like your friend did. Or maybe I'd have given up the fight by now and I wouldn't be talking to you here. Who knows? I think it would've had to be one of those options, because a whole year without much in the way of social interaction or seeing the outside... I can't imagine I'd make that.

As for your second question, I'm gay! Of course I've seen The Devil Wears Prada! Though admittedly I don't remember it very well nor do I remember the specific moment you're talking about. I agree with you that there's no way to win while preserving your humanity. I often joke with my roommate about how I'd be a monster if I had any real power over people. I don't think I'd actually be, because I hope I'd feel too bad, but I do genuinely believe that the risk would be there. It is a perfect lens into how I (and I think a lot of people) view the world. As we've talked about before, power will always be corrupting to some degree. Whether you try to resist it or embrace it... if you get into a position like Miranda Priestly, you're not going to preserve the humanity you may have once had. I just don't think it's possible when people become numbers and power equals responsibility. Or maybe you never had the necessary humanity to begin with and this is exactly what you've been working towards all this time.

I will honestly say I don't know if I'd be reflective enough to make the same decision as Andy. It's the ideal of course. Stick to your morals, your values and be successful either because of or in spite of them. But Miranda is right with saying one thing, that positions of power will always be enviable to those who are not in them. I think it takes a very strong person to be able to look at themselves when they start morphing into that and then reject it. The allure will be undeniably strong when you anyway live in a society that, like you said, values power above all. It doesn't even have to be something as drastic as Miranda's position. It can be something way less impressive, but if it can give you the feeling you're above anyone at all, it can be dangerous. It just takes more and more strength the more power it will bring you. And would I be strong enough to reject that like Andy did? I am not sure.

And for your final question, I think it makes total sense that you'd not be missing anything you've never experienced. And I would be lying if there aren't benefits to the way your privacy is invaded either. That how I see it maybe. As invaded privacy. But there's also an element of safety that comes with it that I wouldn't get just walking about. There's no one there looking out for me when I get myself into tricky positions, which I've come to learn the hard truth of all the same. I think that's where it also plays into not being able to miss something you didn't have. I've not had that feeling of safety, so I might not understand the benefits of it and prefer my privacy. I can't miss that safety like you if I've not had it myself. The same way you might not miss your privacy if you've never had it. It just comes down to different lived experiences. I think you can envy what you haven't had, whether it's that or money or friends or whatever, but the term missing inherently implies you've lost something. I think at that point it comes down to how your view yourself. Does someone find themselves deserving of something they've never had? In their fantasy, should they have it? In that case, they might feel something close to what missing something really is. But I don't think it can ever really be the same.

I'm sorry to hear your friend didn't end up messaging you when you hoped she might. I know the word hope might stand out to you, since I know you're very well aware of her reality and that any way she might engage with you could be a risk to her. That said, it's not surprising you'd miss her and still hope that in whatever way she can, she might want to reach out. I'm sure it was disappointing if nothing else. And no, I don't think the messages you shared read in any way as a goodbye. I'm sure that was entirely intentional and carefully thought through as well. Maybe the emojis were unusual like you said, but there would've been no reason for you to think that's what was happening at that exact moment. I don't think there's a hidden message there you can try to understand, even if it would help you with some sort of closure. I wish I could say differently and point out something you'd overlooked. I can't pretend to understand her actions and motives, but I'm sure she had and continues to have her reasons to stay distant. It's horrible for you, but I hope that you continue to find some comfort at least in knowing that she's safe.

And yeah, my tag is: lineliar. I mentioned it before, but I think you might have read over it or not realised that's what I was saying, haha. No worries to rush. I'm not worried about a bunch of creeps adding me suddenly. I think this forum is pretty safe from that! Whenever I see your request come in, I'll pick up the telephone and say hello, hello baby, you called, I can't hear a thing?! (Truly remains one of her best songs, though I'm partial to Judas as my all-time favourite single.)

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@Tjuz This is going to be long because I sliced appropriate pieces from some what I wrote over those three weeks. There are three hundred thousand characters, that's one hundred thousand a week, the majority I'll have to show you privately. I had literally nothing else to do all Christmas, but write pieces.

I thought everyone wanted to go to school? Maybe not, I once faked an illness so I didn't have to fly somewhere for lunch. I took bits of food then put them on floor, poured water on them then 'I've been sick', he knew it wasn't real, but I tried. If you faked sickness did your Parents not just call a doctor and say 'can you see please what is wrong with our child'. Or we're you just so good at that didn't even know?

Of course in those times I was still forced to go outside simply by having responsibilities as a teen, but when school fell away and the rehabilitation dried up... it was me and my four walls for a couple of years there. There'd be weeks where I would have absolutely no reason to go outside and all and I wouldn't. Eventually, I got more therapy and such that gave me at least a weekly outing of two hours.

• I have to admit I do like walls, I once tried the Metal Gear Solid thing, you know? a box. I saw so many cats do it on Youtube so I figured why not. It didn't last long, someone said absolutely not. It wasn't that bad, comfortable actually and kind of safe. I asked could we maybe try it with dinner today, my Partner wouldn't budge. He said it was to regressive, that inside is okay but a box just isn't. I did it during Christmas too and didn't tell anyone, then it broke apart. It was for exercise equipment or something, I put some books in there and figured, why not. Gravity or cardboard strength prevailed and it broke apart.

What did you do inside all day? I'm guessing play video-games and write. I didn't always have problems with the outside, that event I told you about, the political thing, that was the first and I did what you did with therapy etc. Then I met my Ex and we moved to his home country, we still lived in London but it was his home base so to speak. Then it happened there are again, or almost did. After that I was done with going outside, I understand people want money etc but take money not people. The second time was louder, recent, the PS5 was out. There won't be a third time, my mind won't even let me stand on the street and that's with many obvious friends. Sometimes it's four, it's called walking the diamond, so one in-front, one behind, one left one right. I don't want to be borrowed again, the last time was too much. England is the number one capital of people borrowing and people don't even realize it, all during lockdown it happened because peoples security weren't on site, they had no schedules, sitting ducks. We were fine, we never not have people, but still. That's what confused the U.K. police when someone tried to snatch my phone, that man had no idea what he'd just done. I'll add it near the bottom. I don't like phone thieves, people depend on their phones for contacts, emergencies etc. He'll never do it again, very doubtful.

I'll share what I'd written about that part. It was during the, trying to put myself there mentally to see what I'd write down. Maybe it will help to understand it. It's not inappropriate, just factual. You can see where it sort of veers off as that anxiety climbs. I learned to do it so I could understand the root causes.

People do tend to know him so it's not too bad. We either know the owners of each venue, or we own and run them ourselves, we don't frequent public venues, we need the discretion. But like I said the boundaries of the world map are small. It's like how I told you The Upper East Side was all I saw in New York and I lived there for a time, I couldn't break those boundaries. The discretion wasn't there outside of those boundaries nor that social circle, it became the whole city to me, just like London, and by extension Paris. It's like the Devs didn't have to build the whole map, I don't see it. It might render in from above as we travel, but I never visit those points of interest. Hence I've never been a tourist. In a way the Devs don't even need to render in the streets either, especially here. We race so fast through traffic that everything is a blur. That's what diplomatic travel is, fast, always fast. Especially now with so man red roads (high risk) I only see our cars in front and behind, we've traveled this way my whole life. If we drive slow in London it's like someone hit slow motion and all of that traffic starts to render in. If I don't refer to those things in such terms I remember it's 'real life' and that anxiety hits even harder. I see it all as render distance. It's a struggle to even type it.

It's easier in a museum, there's so little foot-traffic when we go and I find it easier to get lost in the art. Classical music is Intrinsically linked to task completion, it sort of carries me along, but again it's temporary. That's also why I've seen Phantom of the Opera possibly one hundred times, it's easier to attend the theater if I can use reputation as reinforcement, I know every lyric, word, instrument and sound before it happens meaning it can't be sudden anymore. The auctioneer's hammer during the prologue always used to make me jump but then the more I attended each show the more I knew it was coming, now it doesn't affect me at all, the same for the overture following the auction house opening where you can feel the building vibrate when that hits. I'm due another Phantom top-up, soon.

I can't do that with outside, everything and everyone is a series of passing random events. I don't know who each person is, what their intentions are, what they might be thinking, or what they are capable of. Or why there needs to be so many lights for everything, or so much sound, and all at once. I build that same city in Minecraft and all I hear is Vivaldi, there's no one on those streets or traffic, it's quiet and peaceful. In real life you can't just pause, rewind and learn the pattern. Which is honestly terrifying. I don't know how you do it. I didn't even understand why people walked on both directions on both sides, I thought pathways were like roads, one way. I thought they had speed limits too. I'm anxious even thinking about it. And to think people do that every day, they walk by all of those other people, you might even. And that's above ground, the London Underground is full of people too. I've built that to scale too and it's quiet down there. There are no actual trains because it's Minecraft but I can walk miles across the city safely because I built it and I know I'm the only one there. I don't need the outside when I can build it then go there safely. It takes a couple of years of course but I have the time to do it right. It stays day-time in my city too.

You could call it agoraphobia but there are too many contributing factors to limit what happens, and there's the other reason for security, that's normal, it comes with the life/wealth. People always want what others have and when you have too much, risk level increases substantially. I'll give you a better idea of a figure on Discord. It related to my last friend who tried to get me to buy him a house, it didn't end well. But such is life, I'll show you the conversation on Discord you'll understand why friends aren't a thing anymore. After him I was done, every account went under prior authorization, so technically I can't get swindled by friendship again but still he was number thirty two. I see no thirty three in my future. I keep friend sheets, copies of when those friendships went the way they do, his was wall to wall profanity. I can only Discord it. The things he said were, really bad.

Once those walls do start to expand I have to leave and we go fast. Whomever is with me understands the signs, we have hand signals, grips etc. If I don't my heart starts to speed-up and once the dizziness sets in my legs and everything else go with it. That's what happened when I tried that grocery store, it wasn't even that big or busy, it was just impossible. I don't even know how people handle that much choice, how do you choose between one of hundred chocolate bars or one of fifty packets of potato chips. And even if you have a favorite how do you know, wouldn't it mean you already tried the other forty nine. And then I'd wonder what happens if they stop manufacturing or stockpiling your favorite, you'd have to go through them all over again to find a new one. Beverages too, there's easily one hundred sodas, you'd die from all of the sugar before you found that right one.

I don't know how you do one day. I'm assuming you wake up, decide what to wear, decide breakfast, then do things, decide lunch, do more things, decide dinner wear if you even do that, decide dinner, do you actually cook your own food? or is take-out and things? do you have dessert every day or just on the weekends? then you have to decide what to wear for bed then do it all over again, for forever. Then what happens if you have a job? I imagine Is it just a set routine like Clerks or Clerks 2 or even Empire Records. Or The Office, that wouldn't be too bad, I like Michael.

(that cluster of questions happened when I tried to put myself mentally out there, you don't have to answer any of them. I'm sort of seeing it as an observer too)

That was also me trying to explain what's known as a broken brain reward system. I can't mentally choose for myself, I do it by proxy. I'll explain it better on Discord. Control isn't forced in my life, it's a survival tool. I hit a brick-wall when I try to choose for myself. Hence I tend to only play Plus+ games now, Sony chooses for me. That's the lightest part of it, obviously there's more related to choice and without my Partner I don't have that proxy ability to choose, if you can't choose you can't function.

How do you even decide what food you like? did someone teach you how to cook? or do people just randomly learn through experimentation, what happens if you can't sleep and didn't sleep but have a job, do you have to still go? How do you even decide to sleep if you have no bedtime, do you just pick one yourself? what happens if you lose your keys and can't get into your home because only you live there but you have no proof because it's inside? if you see a cat that looks homeless can you just take it home, or do people frown on that? if you use a bus do you have to tell the driver to stop or do they just know already? what happens if you have to go to hospital but if you have no money, is it free? Is it true that rent is free? someone told me that before but it didn't make sense. Do strangers ever just walk up to you and start conversations? how do you even meet people if you don't know them by association, just walk into places and introduce yourself? are homeless animals free? or is there some kind of limit? how do you feel safe at night without weapons or do you just not worry about it? How do you know when you need to take a vacation, do you just one day feel some kind of fatigue and decide you need to fly somewhere else. Do people answer the door if they aren't expecting someone or is that dangerous? do people really walk around outside all night or is there just some agreed hour where it's not safe out there?

How do you actually get a job, do they ask for proof of school and what if you were home schooled, then you can't? if you get lost walking around do you just ask someone, or is that weird? do you actually go on vacation if you don't speak the language? I've only not spoken the language in Japan and parts of Asia, we just stared smiling at each other for ages. What's stopping you from just eating chocolate for lunch instead of a salad, or alcohol how do you even know when to start or stop? Is that why people get drunk? It's not true that soda is drugs for children? my Mum always said it was. Did you pick boyfriends or did your parents do it for you? did your parents let you outside as a child or is that not a thing for you too? Did you have to wait for your parents to talk to you first or could you just start conversations, what did you even talk about? If you want to get married do you need their permission or is that not a thing for you? what's normal breakfast to you? was school just lessons all day or did you do anything else there? how often do you think you cross the street? or do you just not need to. Do you change shoes for things like that, if you know you'll be walking around a lot? If your parents were there all the time what did they do all day, didn't they get bored of being at home, do you? Have you used a taxi before, did the driver just start talking to you or did you have to start the conversation? do you have a set amount of money per day, per week or per month? what happens if you spend it all? do you set aside outfits for each day or randomly mix and match when you wake up?

It seems like everything you do must be choice but surely it's somewhat on auto-pilot too or maybe you keep a list then repeat your purchases and actions. I have a million questions sorry.

That same head hurt you feel trying to figure me out, I feel that trying to figure you out. I'm not being rude, I just struggle to put myself in your shoes. Even if they are very nice shoes. I don't know what people do out there, only through TV shows and some movies.

I don't know how you live out there, I can't imagine waking up some day and someone opening the door and saying 'you must go out there now and live' is that even what happens? Or do you one day decide you want to do it, why do you do it? I always thought people live with their parents then when their parents pass they make a Family and then they repeat the process. It seems to be a lot more complicated than that, or is it like me where they send you somewhere else to live. Is there just something that makes you want to be out there? is it just to make money so you can buy clothes, games etc? or is there a major factor I'm missing.

I see Control as survival, my mind can't cope without it. I can socialize when he's by my side and we have those controls in place. The contributing factors have to be present and operating in unison or I can't be there.

Sometimes I think I should just bring a box with me like in Metal Gear Solid and see if that works. I've tried it before at home but my Partner always tell me to get out and relinquish said box, he doesn't like it. I think that's why cats like boxes too, they probably feel safe in there. (chunk missing, Discord some time) It's part of knowing how to prevent things. It's prevention not detention. Then adapting them to life. I call it prevention, security is prevention too. Understanding psychology helps my Partner to prevent many things.

There was this too (I've sliced out what surely must be appropriate material)

You could call it sheltered.

I heard the police use that word when they questioned me. Someone tried to grab my phone, I wasn't alone, obviously (chunk missing I.E. don't steal peoples phones) The police came, put me in a car and asked questions like 'who even are you?', I had no I.D., just diplomatic papers etc. The only I.D. or paperwork I have is what my Family issue, I don't think I've ever had I.D. of any kind. What do you have to carry with you in-terms of daily paperwork? What do you need it for? U.K. Police need reasonable suspicion, that (censored, don't steal peoples phones) but they can't stop you and ask for paperwork?

I probably have papers for driving, that's just track days, I never even thought to ask. So you can see why those police were getting no where. I tried to explain that I was jet-lagged but they were asking me if I didn't have I.D. then how did I enter the country. We have no check-in for travel like you know it, my passport control is automatic. And so I had no I.D. or anything like that. Travel is covered by Someone in advance. Our air-crew need one hour for notice/flight checks then we are in the air and gone. That's how I had one hours notice myself for 'wake up we're going to Japan', I boarded that flight in my pyjamas, I was still half asleep. I've slept during most trips, and the notice is sometimes that short. I told you that what you see as luxury, I see as jet-lagged and tiredness? this is why. It flips your idea of time around. I think I learned to tell the time around age sixteen, I didn't need it for anything, the months of the year were around age eighteen. That's weird? but again what did I need them for. I still have to perfect the twenty four clock.

I could end up somewhere tomorrow too. It happens often when a new games releases, I'm excited to finally play it, then, no we must leave. it's just part of life. Sometimes I'll have notice the night before, but not always. I don't know what my Partners business is but he needs to travel, which means I need to travel. Amber said she knows months in advance, that almost knocked me over. I told her I know an hour in advance, that knocked her over too. That's what I mean by falling asleep in a car and waking up halfway across Europe. That might sound luxurious but you see it as a vacation, it never is. I've never been a tourist, I wouldn't even know how to do it. It's one room to the next, I don't go outside there either unless it's a private restaurant or private residence. It's like if you woke up and walked from one room to the next, picked up a book and sat on the floor to read it. My mind sees it no differently, when there is a view or city-scape my mind sees it as a screen-saver. I see cars as render distance, air travel too, places render in but I'll never see them in person so the developers don't have to finish the map.

They asked for my address too, I started listing them off, I didn't know that people only have one or two. Then I started asking them questions like why did you take paper out from under your hat don't you have a better place for your documents, how do your police lights work because we use police lights too but we're not police, I asked if they had children, what each button in the car did, could anyone join the police, if they ever just used the sirens for fun, just so many questions, I was very curious. I'd just moved to London, it was another planet. My embassy representee arrived soon after, cleared it all up, they arrested that man, an apology was issued and if there were a court day it was done through someone else too. I doubt he tried to steal another phone again. When they were leaving I heard one of them say I was really sheltered, I didn't know the word. I have exceptional hearing because I sit quietly for many hours a day, I heard that word, checked in my Dictionary and they were right. I adopted that word, I see it as a very realistic representation of how I understand the outside world. My record for a busy London street is two minutes, then I have to get back into a car or a store. So instead I build the same street on Minecraft and live there.

But I do think I'd probably last longer than the average person with the walls closing in because I've already been there. The only thing there I can't imagine is being completely cut off. Being online was basically my lifeline there and kept me even a miniscule of sane amongst all of my issues.

• That's why I bend and break rules to get on the internet. What you said about a lifeline, I had no friends, then one day I did, now I don't because they were the wrong friends.

because a whole year without much in the way of social interaction or seeing the outside... I can't imagine I'd make that.

• Seeing the outside, I was I think ten years old the first time I was outside. As in not in the district we lived in, I'd visit relatives of course but we all live very closely together. That was the first time I saw nature etc but I can only tell you about it on Discord. I still see it as good memories, regardless. I'm not sure about social, I'm still trying to figure that part out. If this is being social then, that's good.

I think it helped that I didn't know the months of the year, or the time, so there was no real passage of time, if that even makes sense. I know time exists to you, I don't really experience it the same way. I had sixteen years of no time,. I had some in the music industry but that wasn't real. They Truman Showed me, so I quit. The person who helped me set up this website account, they also helped me see that truth in that job. I thought I was with a certain company, they asked some other people, I was apparently authorized by the ticket vendor. They lied to me for over a year, I followed time then because covering shows was a schedule. Every email I'd sent went no where. I found out when that person friended me at a show, emailed me some of their work (I was getting them credentials for a music festival) they said they'd sent the pictures, nothing, so they tried again and again nothing. What do you even say to that. It was very recent, months ago. I stopped listening to Metal after that, until Ravix mentioned Underoath that night, then I started again. I liked what I was doing but the word you mentioned the nepotism, ruined it.

I often joke with my roommate about how I'd be a monster if I had any real power over people. I don't think I'd actually be, because I hope I'd feel too bad, but I do genuinely believe that the risk would be there.

• That's what keeps me awake at night. One day I will, and depending on what I learn from real people, determines many other things. At the moment I delegate through Someone else, it's not abdication. But you understand some other elements, maybe you see why they are there. The world isn't getting any better, I can't do what Andy did. There is no walking away, I'm not sure what the future will be. But in two weeks everything I thought was 'right', I began to question it, everything but you. Then I saw my lack of understanding of what's appropriate and I questioned if I'm wasting my time trying to fight it.

It just takes more and more strength the more power it will bring you. And would I be strong enough to reject that like Andy did? I am not sure.

• Ditto.

Does someone find themselves deserving of something they've never had? In their fantasy, should they have it? In that case, they might feel something close to what missing something really is. But I don't think it can ever really be the same.

• I'll show you the things that person wanted, on Discord. You can tell me if it was too much. It was more than the person who tried to defraud my domestic violence charity. Much more.

And no, I don't think the messages you shared read in any way as a goodbye. I'm sure that was entirely intentional and carefully thought through as well. Maybe the emojis were unusual like you said, but there would've been no reason for you to think that's what was happening at that exact moment. I don't think there's a hidden message there you can try to understand, even if it would help you with some sort of closure.

• Amber said almost the exact same thing word for word. Thanks.

And yeah, my tag is: lineliar. I mentioned it before, but I think you might have read over it or not realised that's what I was saying.

• Sorry I didn't realize, I sent a request after Discord needed to make me pick out cleaning products for verification. I failed them and had to retry. Imagine if they asked me how you boil water, obviously in a kettle but I don't even know how hot it needs to be for tea. I'm waiting on Tea Simulator PS5. If it has an orange cat in the window frame then I added the right person, mine has a picture I took in the hall, Amber A.I.'d a picture on top for me. I can switch it when I'm sure I added the right person. Yours if it says 2017, I asked for 2017 too, so we're matching. I thought you said your thought process was linear

(edit, I see you, I'm jumping browsers again) If this gets removed I'll notepad paste it to Discord.