Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Ravix You had me fooled with your half a brain! I could've sworn you had more capacity than that, but I guess ChatGPT can be a life-saver to some nowadays (kidding).

Yeah, I totally understand that that kind of language didn't come out of a place of actual dislike. Hell, I bet if I would go beat-by-beat through my school life, I'm sure I threw some homophobic slurs in there myself as well. Karma got to me in the end, though! I've never been a part of the emo/alt-clique at school, but I think that kind of language is hardly exclusive to it. In all honesty, I'm not even sure we had a "real" clique of emos at my school, but maybe they just bled into the background with the dark colours and moody behaviour. To answer your question however, yeah, I would say Europe is pretty much the same in my experience in terms of the mindless language at least. I've heard "gay" thrown around as an insult plenty, though I suppose I can count myself lucky that it was never directed at me. I'll say I was a late bloomer in terms of when I realised my sexuality though, so I'm not sure I even would've felt affected by it for most of my school life if it did get thrown my way.

As for the "everbody's a little bit bi" part, I didn't notice that within my social groups personally. That's one of the things where I feel like an emo/alt-clique would be more progressive as you said, since in my eyes they're already embracing the unconventional to some degree. It doesn't seem like a reach to then assume that bisexuality would also be an easier topic to tackle for the ones who already feel out of the norm. As for my friends, it's not really a topic that came up often. Sexuality in general, sure, but not anything out of expected heterosexual talk. I've been shown a fair few hot women in my time there and asked for my opinions on them, but I don't recall ever being asked anything like that about a man. I think that came less so from a place of them not accepting it or being actively homophobic, but it just wasn't their personal experience, so it wasn't even on their radar to bring anything like that up. I have to say having to comment on hot women in Mario and Luigi cosplay was a low point for my having to keep up the straight charade, though. There are limits! And I think the word you're looking for in terms of the people who like pop music and dress conventionally is called "basic". 😉

I can't say I've ever heard of Flobots (hence the "basic"), but I'll have to give them a whirl. If I may be so bold as to give you a recommendation of my own... there's a lesser known artist I very much appreciate called Xana, whose 2024 album I had on repeat for a good few months. Since you say you enjoy when artists show real emotion in their songs, I feel like she's one of those with a killer voice to boot. I also think she's very good at writing her songs in the form of a narrative and telling stories through that. If I'd give you any song from that album to try out, I'd say "15" is a good place to start and see if you feel like listening to more from there!

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@GirlVersusGame I really hope the peace talks lead somewhere, even if only to have you be able to sleep better! You've come across to me as a very empathetic person, so I'm not at all surprised that that's the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night. For what it's worth, I personally view the Russian government and the people of Russia as entirely separate things. In my experience with the few Russians I've met and befriended, not one supported what Putin is doing. Of course I imagine the support may be bigger in the mainland than with the ones who leave the country to live in Germany, but it's always good when people remind you that a country is not a hivemind. Like you said with how you feel right not to have been talked into hating the West, I feel very similarly with my opinions regarding countries that aren't in the West. It's easy to fall for the stereotypes and make your opinion of a country and all of its people accordingly, but that's never been the reality in my experience.

I'm happy to keep learning about your background more extensively, because everything you're slowly telling me is putting the pieces together for me on what I was previously somewhat confused about! That said, I totally understand that when you have privilege, it's not necessarily something you want to lead with. Especially when, like you said, you weren't born into a system that you even agree with to begin with. Again, I don't want to presume so correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you can also easily start resenting the position you were born into. Some people of course take the cards they're handed and run with it not looking back, but you've given me ample examples that you will look critically at the position you're in and try whatever's within your capability to share the privilege with whoever you can. I think that's very respectable, and you don't strike me as someone who is boasting at all thanks to that. I think where nepotism usually gets negatively discussed is more so with the people who wish to not acknowledge the head-start they were given in life. I'm sure there's some who will say "eat the rich!" no matter what, but I think a solid distinction needs to be made between the people who are actively trying to keep the divide versus the people who ideally wish the divide wasn't there, like I feel you are.

Yeah, I definitely didn't clock the small key at all! Truly was just a piece of jewelry to me. I understand that type of "hiding in plain sight" with certain signs. Of course not that there's anything you need to hide, but in the sense that it won't really register except for the people it's meant to register with. This might be somewhat of a forced comparison, but it reminds me of when invisible minorities would have certain codes (whether verbal or material) that would sign to the other person that this is a safe person to approach. It seems to me that this is the same in a way, but the message is simply different. I would be lying if I say I've never fallen victim to the Hollywood concept of elites, but I'd like to think I've grown enough as a person to recognise that much like a country's people, no group shares every thought. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. The way you've described him makes him sound like a wise man and one that serves as the antithesis to the negative portrayal of the elite in media. It's horrible that you can't fully know what happened (even though it sounds like your gut feeling is the worst-case scenario), but I can imagine you're very proud of the man he was. You said you initially saw your move to the UK as a punishment, which is totally understandable to me when you grow up with certain views and values. I'm glad that he was able to share the perspective that he learned over the course of his life however. If I may be so crass, I'd say you're a better person for it and he left a very valuable impact on you.

Do you feel like part of the reason he moved you to the UK for schooling was also because of the danger? The way you described it sounds like that wasn't the primary reason for you, but I can imagine your family would've dealt with a very similar issue as the people who were sent there exclusively for safety reasons. I can't say I've ever seen Man on Fire, but I know it's a dramatic action film about the safekeeping of a child, so I think that already gives me enough of an inclination of what you're trying to get at there. It's fascinating to me to see you describe Moscow as having such a class divide, when the Western view of Russia is always heavily intertwined with the ideals of communism and/or socialism. I'm aware enough that it's natural to happen under any system of course, but I feel like it's hardly something that's discussed by Westerners when talking about Russian society. Of course you have first-hand experience with it, so I'm not even sure how noticeable it is for the average layman living in Russia, but I imagine they're no fools. Tourists might be easily under the impression that it's simply the police like you suggested, but I imagine citizens are more aware of the real goings-on, especially in a major capital like Moscow. That said, maybe I underestimate the effects of propaganda on a population, or maybe we overestimate how propagandised Russian society is. These are the kinds of thoughts that are so hard to differentiate from the Russian stereotypes you've been taught as a Westerner that I'm not even sure what the truth is there, but I have no doubt you might (hopefully) enlighten me there!

I'm super impressed that you speak seven, almost eight languages! Are they all on a fluent level, or just a few fluent while the rest is basic conversational? I always wished I was a polyglot, but then my educational acumen turned out to not be well-suited for intense language learning. I think having to keep up my Dutch while mostly speaking English and over time learning better and better German is keeping that part of my brain busy enough! As for your entry into and exit from the film world, it sucks to hear that your passion was so quickly extinguished. It's not surprising to me at all that when you're in that world of what is, essentially, constant transactions, it can start to feel very similar to the life you've already been forced to live and don't agree with. The fact that that can, in turn, ruin a hobby for you is a shame however, but shows to me that you try (and succeed) to live by a strong moral compass. To have the same thing happen in the music industry... and I imagine the same would happen in many industries, especially when you get closer and closer to the top of each. I think that's just an unfortunate reality of the world we're living in, and I'm not sure how that would or if that even could get better. I do believe as a general rule of thumb that the more power a person has within any setting, the more it'll corrupt them. I'm sure there's maybe a few exceptions you can point to here and there that people would argue are ethical people in power, but I think they're few and far between. It's just not human nature sadly, as much as I'd like to believe otherwise. It doesn't even need to be any politically or industry-leading position. Just look at how people can already act when they consider themselves an "online influencer" of some kind and feel invincible for the first time.

I never considered that gaming could be such a useful tool at letting you get out of your comfort zone and meeting new people of all walks of life. I'd seen it as a community-building experience of course. It's what brought all of us here after all, but I suppose I've never experienced building a community over gaming that was so filled to the brim with different views, values and diversity. Maybe that's just because I'll be in the European servers and you'll be hard pressed to find a European culture that is completely different from another, but when you're sandwiched in with the Europeans through sheer location, I can imagine you'll come across communities with entirely different worldviews to challenge you and how that can be priceless to someone who is open to that like yourself. The messages you've inserted however... yikes. When you come from a place of such genuine interest in other people and their lives only to be met with people who exclusively see you as a means to an end... it must be incredibly demoralising. The audacity of someone to ask you for 100.000 pounds! Not even US Dollars or Euros, but pounds! At least soften the blow by making it Canadian dollars (possibly a poorly timed joke). It goes to show that it doesn't matter which society you grow up in or what values you're taught, there'll be selfish people in any community. I'm so glad to see that you had the people from the Deep Web to support you in those moments and treat you like an actual human being. I don't know how well this person knew you, but hell, I've spoken on a deep level with you for only about a week now and know that's completely disrespectful to the person you are. Whether you then attribute those kinds of requests to selfishness, arrogance or ignorance... it's a lose-lose situation no matter what. If you keep these logs to remind yourself to look out for these kinds of people, then that's only a good thing. No one likes or deserves to be taken advantage of at all, let alone by people they considered close to them.

Well, if we can have one shared experience at least from the examples you gave of how nepotism has affected you, it's almost burning the kitchen down upon first try! My roommate prefers to let himself cook for both of us, as he knows I will somehow get 911 involved. I'm getting more competent with time! It's shocking to me to think you'd never tried anything as widely available as Coca Cola! If I understand correctly, that has more to do with the societal position you're in, right? I assume Coca Cola is available in Russia much like everywhere else. As for the story you gave with the invasion and your base building game, it sucks that people are so instantly reactive. Obviously, it's a very complicated situation and Westerners are more likely to take Ukraine's side in it (as I do), so the reaction is understandable to a degree. I think we lose the plot when it starts affecting Russians as a whole having a safe space in an online game, though. The fact that you weren't safely able to have the Russian flag colours without everyone assuming that you're supporting their cause in the invasion is just one of those examples where I feel like people tend to judge too quickly. It makes sense you'd have that as a knee-jerk reaction with how the server evolves to become inherently political with its flags and colours, but it's worth for people to take a step back and that not everything needs to directly relate to themselves or everything else going on.

Ohhh, it's very interesting to read of the dynamic where you questioning your husband is you questioning your parents. It makes total sense in a marriage and family like that, but I'd never seen it that way. Questioning your parents in the place you're in is, I'd presume, probably the most disrespectful thing you can do. I actually thought that metal music was a lot more political than you're telling me. I thought the appeal of it was a lot of "raging against the system" and such, but it sounds like it's a lot less politically challenging than that. Maybe I'm thinking more of genres such as punk or the like. This is where my limited music taste fails me!

I think it's dangerous to say that you "should" feel trauma from the grooming situation. I think the way you've experienced it where you still feel like you gained something valuable from the experience and can retroactively recognise the issues that were at play is honestly a way healthier way of dealing with it. It's understandable that you'd feel like you should feel more about it, since there are so many situations where people are downright traumatised from experiences like that and that shouldn't be diminished. Fact of the matter though, it sounds like your journey was simply different than theirs even if it shared a lot of the same characteristics, and ultimately you're better off for being able to move past it and talk about it so candidly.

It's funny that people will use the term "too smart for your own good" against you, when in reality it sounds more like they mean that you're too open-minded for your own good. It's a nice way of hiding the actual meaning within a double-sided compliment, but clearly you see it for what it is. But yeah, I think to some degree you need to be able to shut out the outer world when you have great wealth. Especially for someone who is as empathetic as you, there's a lot to empathise with that might eventually drive you crazy. The more you stick within that bubble where all is well and you're not personally running into the daily issues so many others have, the better. It's comfort. That's not to say that people with wealth don't work for it at all or all live entirely comfortable lives of course, but it's more so the privilege that's the comfort than anything else. As long as you didn't majorly screw something up, you always have the calming idea that you are pretty much set for life. Risk-aversion becomes less of a thing, which I think is what holds a lot of lower-class people back. There's not much worth risking if any wrong choice can set you back for life. As for the Dead Space copy, did you get to gift yourself that already? 😉

I'm not very familiar with the Chechens you mentioned, but I have heard a passing mention of that conflict here or there. I'm definitely not as worldly as you when it comes to knowing deeply about many different cultures! If I remember right though, I think there's quite a few more of those "fringe" ethnic groups that Russia feels the need to deal with, right? In these cases, I'm glad you're able to consume so many books! You being well-read seemingly has shaped a lot of the way you view the world... and what made your opinions possibly dangerous to the status quo you're living in. I'm glad to see that you prioritise the former over the latter though, even when your relatives would disagree with that position. You were questioned by the police while taking pictures of your Minecraft world? Was that related to each other or just what you happened to be doing at the time? I did see you mention (whether to me or someone else) that you recreate London within Minecraft for yourself just in case you would ever be unable to return. I'm thinking maybe it has to do with that, but I feel like I'm going down a rabbit hole here that will later be disproven, so I'll let you elaborate the situation!

When you say you feel it impossible to mix with the children of other business people, do you feel like your father's impact is what kickstarted that difference in your worldviews? I'm glad that your friend (who I'm assuming was the queer friend) had a more Americanized upbringing and was able to leave. It's clearly not that simple for you, so maybe you've been cursed to a degree with these kinds of worldviews while in a more restrictive environment. I think ultimately all for the better, but it must be very conflicting on a daily basis like that. And to add your empathy on top of that, I don't know if I'd personally be able to deal! It's easy to think that, but I suppose it's a very different story when it's all you've ever known. I just googled RRK, and I now totally see the kind of people that you're talking about. Funnily enough, one of my Russian friends follows the account (though she's definitely not of that status). That shows me already how well-known this type of person is within Russia, and I assume how much the lower-class will strive or admire such a lifestyle. It's undoubtedly different when you've been on the inside and see the actual inner workings of what that lifestyle entails, including the lack of any real connection as you said they're not actually friends.

When you say you can never go to a place like a museum alone in London, am I right in thinking you're then accompanied by some kind of security that keeps an eye on you? I assumed that your partner didn't follow you around all the time when you live between UK and Russia, but I might be wrong there. It's a shame that you've never been able to fully explore London due to the constraints put on you in whichever way. It's always seemed like an incredibly lively city from across the pond and one with plenty of opportunities. I suppose that's an interesting contrast in a way. Through your privilege, you are offered so many opportunities that regular folks will simply not get... but through your privilege, you're also withheld from enjoying the more simple pleasures of life that regular folks get to experience for free. People say money doesn't buy happiness, and I think that's both true and untrue. I think a lot of what regular folks struggle with and brings them unhappiness can be solved by money. Whether it's never having to worry about healthcare again or being able to treat yourself to a just-too-expensive item you've always wanted at an impulse. If you're a simple enough person that materialistic things and less stressed existence is enough, then sure, I think money can by all means buy you happiness. If you want to actively interact with the world and the people it has to offer however and not shed your empathy, then it sounds to me like it's very hard to balance both those worlds in a way that keeps you in a happy place. It sounds to me like you're more of the latter. Side note: I'm shocked you were in North Korea! I didn't realise Russia and North Korea was close in all honesty. That must've been a crazy experience.

I can understand what you're describing in terms of the "angry nanny" all too well. Not that I have a bad relationship with my own mother, but more so with certain relationships I've had. The men you mentioned you went on dates with who were scared. At the time you first told me this, I didn't fully understand the situation you're in, but am I right to assume now that it was your status and your family that scared them? I can't believe you've had fourteen friendships blow up already this year. I don't know how many of them were particularly close, but that's probably the same if not more amount of friends I've made in total living in Berlin! That kind of purge in a year would destroy my entire social circle. You said you're not going to search for friends anymore outside of the Deep Web, but is that something you've actively done and craved for a while then? Do you have a big social circle of people aside from the people you're expected to interact with? I think your lived experience of generational wealth being about being a property as much as anything else is pretty much what my own interpretation of it has been. I think I might understand it better than most simply because you're not the first I've interacted with of that status. I have a very close Filipino friend who was also born into a rich family. It's nothing like the dynamics that go on within your culture and way more Americanized, but over the long time I've known him you can definitely tell how it can affect a person. Yours is then just a way more extreme version of what he already struggles or benefited from. And I'm so sorry to hear about the friend who used you being one of the few you ever felt more than just friendly feelings for. I can't imagine how much harder that would've made the whole situation to stomach.

Reading about how you have wolves and bears at home made me chuckle a bit. The first time I feel like reading your responses where it actively played into Russian stereotypes! I'm glad that you have those animals to give you the sparkle, though. Animals truly are precious little beings. They can cheer up just about anyone (given the right animal, of course). Would you say Russian media censorship has gotten noticeably worse over time? I always assumed that it stayed fairly consistent, but you said that kids nowadays experienced a different world before being brought back into the censorship. I suppose maybe that has to do with the fact that the internet and social media evolved so rapidly and it was hard for censorship to keep up. That then just seems less like the censorship culture changing however and more like catching up to what should've been the status quo all along in that environment. I almost can't believe that they edited Rocky to be like that, but that is almost unintentionally funny even if the real-world implications of it are of course very bad.

You don't feel like I've made you even a little gayer? My influence is waning! Just kidding, of course, haha. I just think it's funny to play into that stereotype whenever someone brings it up exactly because it is so ridiculous. As I've said before, I haven't been turned even a little straighter through my interactions with the many, many, many.... many... straight people on this planet. And yeah, I'm sure I would subconsciously form an opinion on you if I passed you on the street, but I feel like being gay and being on the other side of that with people is exactly what has made me a lot less quick to judge and open in conversing. I don't want to be stereotyped by anyone, so I shouldn't do it to other people. When I catch myself doing it subconsciously, I actively stop myself from continuing that thought. Many girls have told me exactly what you just told me. You're far from alone with feeling safer with gay men than straight men exactly because you know you're not being sexualised in any way by them. I think it's why the trope of girls having a "gay best friend" is so prominent. It's nice to have someone who wants absolutely nothing from you but your personality, but is also outside of the typical girl culture that you can find plenty friends of as a woman. I suppose it can be a bit of a peek into the male psyche without all the baggage that comes from it! I think in my experience, being gay has also helped me have better friendships. Women might be interested in my gender, but we both know they don't stand a chance and so there's no fear of anything developing. Most men are straight, so there's no fear of anything happening there either. The only place where that kind of stuff would be any thought is among gay friends. And there... well, without going into much detail... let's say gays are very sexually open if you catch my meaning. Not that it's like that with all gay friends of course, but it's not generally something to be worried about.

I did really enjoy the soundtrack of Alan Wake II! I'll have to refresh my memory on the particular song you mentioned, but there's great stuff all around. How cool that a song so meaningful to you ends up in pop culture again after such a long time. I love when that kind of stuff happens. The flowers look so cute! Stereotypically, I love the pink. I think it's hard to see from the picture exactly how big they are, but if you're telling me they're bigger than yourself I'll believe that. I got some flowers at work as a win in a raffle and let's just say... they were not pretty like this. Also, they were fake flowers. In a cheap pot. I'll take what I can get, haha. I have no clue what this EXIF data is you're talking about, but I'm going to assume it's some stuff in a picture that makes the location easier to track or whatever!

I'm glad you've finally been able to catch some real sleep again. I've never really experienced jet lag as the furthest I've traveled is just a country away, but I think I wouldn't handle it well myself. Four different countries in six days is insane! I don't think you're sounding ungrateful. I think you're reasonably reacting to a life with limitations. Of course you would ache for more freedom, just like regular folks will yearn for more access. The sad thing is that it's hard to have you cake and eat it too. You're likely always going to be stuck with some wants of the other side, and I think it'd be unfair to say you wouldn't deserve to feel that way simply because you have certain privilege. Like I said before, privilege in one thing doesn't mean that you have the privilege to do everything. Everything is a transaction. I'm so happy to hear that you've enjoyed our talks and find my interest refreshing. Like I said, I'm not a very worldly person who knows much about different kinds of cultures that aren't the typical Western ones, but I find the subject intriguing. When given the opportunity, I love to interact and learn more about other people and their lives, and you've been a fascinating person to talk with for me. One of my dreams was always to be a documentarian on a social level. Just talking to people, hearing their stories and engaging with their cultures. I think it's how we grow as people and become better off for it as a result. Here's to many more messages and thousands of words for as long as we don't get sick of each other!

P.S. If you ever drop off the face of the site, I'll definitely take you up on that offer and contact (harrass) Furious to share your GoodReads! It's been a pleasure talking with you.

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@Tjuz aha, there you are. You are much better than me at this whole talking to new people on the internet thing, so I even kept reading through your comment to GvG (partial skim reading at times, come on now I can't be reading all that while also getting ready to reply to you) but I think it was exceptionally well written and I think it sums up how people should see the world and pretty much how I see the world in relation to the things mentioned.

Right, now replying to you. Firstly I will of course now refer to you as a 'basic B****' if that isn't leaning too much on the cultural appropriation side of things 😛 your witty response to me was both perfectly timed and appreciated, so I can but attempt to return the favour.

And I will check out Xana some time, post something in the music thread like a YouTube link of those songs, perhaps. I have no problem with pop artists or whatever they may be. I just usually consume pop from one source... eurovision 😅 (this Ravix sounds suspiciously gay to me, lads) A real 'guilty pleasure' but I usually pick up 2/4 songs I love enough to add to a forever playlist. Cornelia Jakobs is probably my favourite so far. An absolutely broken, raw but gorgeous voice and her entry 'Hold me closer' is my absolute perfect emo-pop combination.

The nearly everyone was a little bi remark, I really can't stress how mad it was. Like the height of the greek or roman empire, but with dyed hair, peircings and converse. I thought maybe even I could be, who knew unless given the right circumstances or liquid persuasion, but I was presented with a choice and then I knew I wasn't. So, you know... Unlucky, mate 😛 it does help one understand sexuality a whole lot more when you have things like this happen though, because there are people in the world convinced it is just something we choose. And that is only ever in the court of those that are bi. And even then the choice is still going to be based on specific connections and attractions under specific circumstances. It isn't just 'I could choose anyone so I will choose anyone' it is still biological, chemical and emotional. It is also a great put down to those bigots who think like that, as you can twist them in loops about whether they chose to be straight and how choices are usually based on open options between multiple things, meaning gay was always a possibility for them to choose. And they hate the type of thinking where their own ideas are turned on them. I also quite liked making those typesnfeel uncomfortable and have on multiple occasions faux flirted and presented people with something they aren't prepared for when they are being genuienly homophobic. It probably was never a smart thing to do, but seeing them squirm at how uncomfortable they are with their sexuality is kind of awesome and it disarms them most times.

Oh and Just to clear up, the bad language came 100% from the chav/jock side, and when I realised, then it was anyone with the sort of same experience as me that i'd also encourage to learn to move away from that kind of throwaway stuff that was programmed into our everyday foul language. There was maybe a few giggling emo girls that would sometimes try and 'break the rules' by saying silly stuff, but that was mostly immaturity and them getting kicks out of that type of behavior (sounds almost an impossibity to say giggling and emo, but it's not like everyone was sad all of the time, most of the time it was like regular youth when actually hanging out, just with the potential to get very messy very quickly. And then 'after hours' when everyone is kind of trapped at home with nothing to do is when it got most deep and you'd get a real sense of what was really going on in everyone's minds. And from that is where the deepest connections came from and the strongest bonds were formed. But I digress)

A lot to unpack @GirlVersusGame but I feel we are more understanding of what we were each talking about now, at the very least. Some things still maybe a little crossed, as it wasn't just the relationship part, but some of the other stuff from earlier which I think is kind of seperate. It did maybe get a bit mixed together with everything else though. Not worth me mixing it up further though, as either way I understand more now, so I will focus on the latest conversation. (I write this part from the future before I am about to post the whole, very long post - thank you for the kind words, I was going to address that aspect after all the other stuff, but i've hit the wall and it has been so long since the earlier face wetting moment that I have regained composure and back to my weird normal self. And yes, in those times it may have been tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world even with some mistakes and lapses, most were smaller scale thankfully, as we learn from this to make ourselves better. And I did get better in some ways, even at the time. And so now we continue on to the more exciting fare that Inhave already written before hopping back to write this bit)

1. I might well laugh, and you might too... but, yes, I actually do have that. And I am fully aware. I am not very adept at using, nor have the desire to conform to all the particulars, the roles, and the full on ceremony and practice of it like those you will have known and met, the whole club scene, for example. But yes, there is definitely an accepted power that can come from within caring, and a caring within power. And it is more a natural instinct than a practice. Okay so it is actually hard to put in words in a 'family friendly forum' which is maybe in part where some confusion arose at the beginning, even Tjuz I think had that moment where they weren't exactly sure if you were eluding to exactly what you were, perhaps. But yes, erm, family friendly... And I agree it isn't anywhere on the masochist side of things, or sadist, and definitely no desire to inflict pain... beyond an established threshold for those that do like it, although (again awkward times ahead) let me say that I do not shy from a little pain myself, but my own instincts are to, when it is known to be desired, take the role you first suggested. Let's say i'm not quite a full modern Nintendo console that is both handheld and plugged in (hopefully you get a laugh from that one) but again, I don't adhere to strictly defined roles in any form of life, or practise it in such detailed ways that you do. Maybe I am actually too boring 😱 but any type of conformity is really hard for me to adhere to, even conforming to a defined role in this... less boring way. Other peoples safety is definitely important, and empathy certainly helps with that, but tbh it is nowhere near the levels where that could ever be a problem anyway. And it is not controlling in a way as some may think, if anything it is more intensely the opposite, simply being intune to someone's needs "Come on, don't beat around the bush", yells Tjuz as he reads through this (gotcha 😛) So yes, I may be too goofy and weird to commit to a scene 24/7 in the same way that you do. But I also am not goofy 100% of the time behind closed doors. And yes, I think the level you go to I probably wouldn't ever assume was a regular occurrence so maybe that played into my other instincts being triggered a bit, too. Overall it is quite funny really. Again, I still find it overtly weird at how standardised everything is in this particular community that we are referencing. As a creative, I kind of bring that to all aspects of life, so boundaries (i may have chosen the wrong word as boundaries are probably the exact word you would use for defining safety) are less defined and I am a more a freeform person. If we are to nerd it up a bit D&D (dungeons and dragons, clearly. Slightly tweaking a code you use) is also something natural and enjoyable to me as someone that likes to be challenged... mentally 👀... Again, in a loosely defined way, it is more a 'vibe felt' with someone, rather than a structured 'scene'. I wouldn't attempt what you have, but I occasionally visit similar themes that you explore.

2. Does it seem intense to me? Yes and no. I think the full commitment to a role is intense, regardless of what anyone is committing to. (I really wish i'd added my movie section comment for a little mysterious context. Look out for that mess another day) Where it doesn't seem intense is because I have always been used to incredibly intense, loving, emotional, visceral relationships and have explored some of those themes within some already intense relationships. But I think living that way completely would be way too draining. I'll throw in an 'especially when you are someone that kind of only finds true (I want to say 'satisfaction' but in a none sexual way at this moment in time to set the scene, which is awkward after the current dialogue) but yes, satisfaction emotionally, mentally, and all the different things that can entail... when there are many people involved. I am someone that can sometimes find myself... not bored...but not fully engaged (satisfied) unless many different facets of my own personality and tastes are being catered to, and usually that requires multiple different people with strong personalities. (I mean even talking to people like you and Tjuz now, it stimulates me far more mentally than everyday routine type conversations, and it is why I insert my weirdness everywhere, I want people I talk to to be enthralled and to enthrall me) This was part of the basis for my whole non-standardised boring hollywood romance post, it is that people are told they have to be in this set relationship that adheres to a certain stereotype, and for a lot of people that just leads to break ups as one or both get bored or are not challenged enough by this set up, and then someone ends up hurting the other emotionally when it could be avoided by having the open style-on/off relationship be more of a common thing. My example doubles down on an emotional level to make the point so we will move away from the other aspect for now, but two people can be madly in love, some time later they are no longer madly in love and things fall apart, and then after more time someone else is met and they fall madly in love. That is a sequence, but the love in both cases is 100% as real as can be. But if you asked the first couple if they saw themselves with another partner in 2 years time, of course they would say no, yet it is the most common thing for that to happen. It isn't rare. So what if we call them soulmates. Was only one the soul mate, is it the current or the previous? Was one a false soul mate? No. Things just changed, but what you felt was just as real. So now what if people realise they have this happening, but not in sequence, but all at once, is it any less real to feel that mutually with 2 or 3 people at the same time? No, it is not. That was part of the basis of my 'thesis' on standardised romance anyway. and one from personal experience. I just find it so weird that it isn't normalised. It is a little bit more seen now, but I think overall people would be better off if they knew early that it is okay to not find love only in sequences. Obviously the logistics can be a nightmare, and i'm not a great example for positive outcomes in the long run, haha, but there are plenty of open or on/off relationships that do last the test of time, right? But, omg, honestly, the pressure I got from my best friend to just pick one person I liked most was pretty nuts, when you know how all-in I am emotionally as a person anyway, and give all of myself, and my mate is like "yeah but... you just have to pick" anytime I saw him. Or just "oooh did you see... redacted, yesterday" ... yes. "Oooh, Did you see... redacted 2 today?" Sigh...yes. just as he knew it would wind me up, and this lasted for a good few years 🙈 like at this point we were well into the college/job and house party years of our self-destructive 'youths', and I won't even mention when there was then a third addition, ffs. Maybe i'm just a bad person, although there was never any cheating or lies, there was just never any full commitment from me at that time because there was never a plausible choice to me. It was what it was. It may seem greedy or stupid to an outsider, but I gave so much and probably wore myself out emotionally in this phase too. And this is after, but kind of continued on top of the other stuff we talked about earlier. Like all of that was still a thing, at times, into adulthood we were all still very emo people even as hormones settled (erm, do they ever!?) and I was still occasionally the emotional support dog for anyone I sensed needed it 😕 (suppose I still am, just way less active) And I honestly think I could only be stretched so far (that's what Tjuz said 🙈 apologies for that unexpected and awfully crass, presumptive joke that I hope you may have read and spat your tea out at as it is made with the intention of carrying on our jests. And if Tjuz didn't read it... boo, but I believe at this point we can all joke about anything, and if not, I withdraw it completely and apologise 😅)

So yeah, it does seem intense to me for you to be so fully committed and absorbed into your roles, but also... not, as in I can understand some mild aspects of it. But it really is quite late and I have gone completely mad in the 'overshare club' and trailed off. If there was any other points I was going to reply to i've missed them, too.

me right now, haha

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@Tjuz I still haven't read your reply but I did skim the top and saw something about do I resent it. I won't even fully answer that yet, I'll say I resent what I've seen it to do to people and I'm not talking about riches, I'm talking about very heavy duty generational wealth. Some of this will sound really strange but I've had a long time to carefully place everything I'm about to say, I've taken a lot of past and present day experiences and formed a hypothesis which focuses heavily on empathy and why I have some very strong feelings about what wealth actually does to a person.

I have to use my cousin as an example, she was my best-friend growing up. We were probably six years old when we really forged a strong bond, we played together, watched every Disney movie together and knew all of the sing along versions too. We would stay in each others homes and would use the same bedroom but had separate bedrooms. I was maybe eleven years old and she was maybe twelve. I woke one night to the feeling of something touching my hair and when I opened my eyes she was standing by my bed staring at me. It was the exact same stare I get when I read something really quizzical like theoretical physics I adopt that stare when I'm trying to understand complex theories and formulas. She was studying me, trying to understand how I worked but the hair stroking put me to sleep. The next day we were playing with a toy that had buttons and pictures. You press one and it would say 'this is the zoo keeper we have lions in the zoo - rawr' and it would do this for different animals. She moved closer and started to pet my hair again, and then we formed a game called kitty and person. It was just children playing, it evolved into chocolate buttons for tricks, there were adults around us and no one questioned it, even when it got to the point of saucers of milk and again not one person said a word. This was our friendship and we normalized it because the adults did. Then one day we were at her home and we were being summoned to dinner, she turned and said 'no kitties at the dinner table' before I could even say anything her Dad closed the door and they went to dinner, I sat down and did some drawing. As an adult I can see the issue there, a major one. She was slowly compartmentalizing people and animals but she wasn't doing it based on biology like you would normally do. She was doing it based on behavior and on the response given to her action. No one corrected her. Then I thought back to when we used to play dress up and how controlling she was, she always wanted to be the stylist not the model.

One day I stopped seeing her. Three months went by and I thought she was away in another country because I'd spent a whole summer in South Africa and knew people sometimes did that. The door opened and her Dad walked in with my Mum, it was a big room so I didn't hear the conversation but they were staring at me so I knew they were talking about me. He took me outside, sat me in a car, the driver got out and started putting bags and cases into the trunk. They said we were going to visit my cousin, I thought airport. We were in what you would call the suburbs, trees, isolated etc, lots of our families lived in close proximity, I knew all of the different turns and which home they lead to.

We didn't go to the airport or to her home. Instead we drove for two hours (I watched the clock display) then stopped at what you call a gas station, both of them got out and talked very briefly, the driver went inside and my Uncle started the car and we drove again, which was again odd because he didn't drive. After about twenty minutes we arrived at some really big gates, bigger than mine so they stood out, we drove for again for I don't know how long. It was a very long drive way, until we reached a big building that to me looked like a hotel. I could see through the glass door, it had a reception and concierge staff. Someone came out and they both brought whatever was in the trunk inside. My Uncle came back after a while, turned on a TV in the (headrest?) then left again. An hour went by and nothing, so I climbed from the back through the seats and tried the doors and they were locked. Then I went to the back again and climbed up to look through the window, tint means you see out but no one sees in.

I saw the person who helped with the bags etc and I'm sure he knew I was there. It felt like he was looking right at me and doing nothing. There were curtains on the sides of the back windows too but they were open, I was sure he saw me. Almost three hours passed and he finally returned, said something like 'there we go', started the car, drove back and switched with the driver, they turned on the radio for the back of the car and talked among themselves, I only heard the music, brought me home and that was it. Years later I found out it was a home for girls with behavioral problems. If I counted right she was there for six months and when I saw her again she treated me no differently. The last time I was home (recently) we sat down for a movie, she patted her lap and I lay my head there just like before. It was no different, instead of chocolate buttons it was truffles. My Partner watched and I know he felt like something was off. I kept glancing over to try and read his face, my parents never said a word either. My cousin formed that idea of who or what I was as a very young child, no one guided her out of that pattern of thinking, I'll be home for Christmas soon and it will be exactly the same.

The way we did play is technically something I do with my Partner too but it's more like something we do when he comes in from a trying day and wants to spend some time with me without expending himself further, we both benefit and we're consenting adults. It's not draining for either of us, just quiet time but with that actual tactile connection. Then after an hour or two he brings me out of it and tells me to go do something more productive, he knows the distinction between those headspaces and it's all very natural and caring. Why did a twelve year old have that mindset, adults were always around us and sometimes a couple of feet away and no one called it into question. The same way my parents didn't question a sixteen year old (legal where I was) with a forty two year old man, then after my first three dates they set me up with that 24/7 lifestyle dynamic. They saw nothing wrong with it, nor do they today, they think it's an easy way to keep me in line and stay goal originated.

Over the years I started meeting other what you would call old money families, I'd spend a long time in Paris and they'd act the exact same way. We were different nations, different cultures and the only thing we had in common was that wealth. They were very odd, and that's a lot coming from me. Just so strange and cruel, for absolutely no reason other than they could be. I treat those around me like they are my friends, if they are coming to make the beds then I want to have a conversation with them, the same if someone brings me tea I actually say thank you and ask them about their day and show them what I'm doing in a game, I ask about their families, I probably ask them too much but I want to get to know them not their name tag. So many people I know don't. They don't see them as their equals and that's the normal thinking, but I think fudge that. I talk to everyone and sometimes they don't talk back but I always try.

I once met a family in America, of a similar standing and there it was again. One of the boys told me that his parents would leave for vacations, not take him and his carers would look after him. That happened to me too, it was making sense. I remembered my grandparents on my Dad's side. They came from a similar background, they had banks, post offices, shops and they raised their children to be lawyers, and business men. My Mum would bring me to see them, she'd talk to my Grandmama and they'd have tea, then once my Mum would leave she'd usher me into the TV room, and leave. This happened every time I visited, apparently she'd just go shopping. I'd ask people where she was and they said not to worry just watch TV. So that's what I did, hence I've seen so many movies, there are TV channels that show nothing but movies.

And here's where it got weirder, I can't understand this part. One day she did bring me shopping, we went a toyshop, she had me pick the toys I'd liked, then just leave without them. It was like she was giving me a choice then cancelling it out. But at the same time she did give me toys, just not that day, she seemed to get something out of giving me the illusion of choice. The burger I probably mentioned before, that was her too. We were out and I wanted to try fast food for the first time, I was given a huge burger, took maybe two bites and apologized that I was full. She wrapped it up and put it in my bag then we left for a funeral mass, after church there was a reception with drinks and such, cake too I wanted cake, out came the burger which was now cold. She made me take some more bites, after that we left for someones home, more food more refreshments and again with the burger.

She made me finish every piece, throw up, then bring me home. I told my Partner about that very recently because he'd ordered a burger for me while I was in the restroom (what I mean by someone else choosing meals) He didn't get audibly angry but he was fuming, he had them take it away and bring something else. I thought that was normal behavior, now I think it's psychopathy and it's not just on one side.

My other Grandmama was different, I loved going there. She was very proud of her gardens, knew all her flowers and picked berries for tarts that she actually baked. One day I was sitting in the grass talking to some flowers (I was a weird child) and I felt someone come up on me, that feeling you get when you feel like a wild animal is about to pounce. I looked up and it was a different uncle, he looked terrifying and I ran, right across the grass, the gravel and straight up those stone steps, I got maybe half way up when he caught me and start to strangle me and bang my head off the steps. I didn't remember anything after that but apparently the guys pulled him off me and (this I only learned a couple of years ago) I'd actually died, they even said I was blue like in Avatar. It turned out my Grandmama was ill and it was terminal (she hid it from me) she wanted to bequeath her estate and holdings to me. However if I was out of the picture my Uncle would stand to inherit it all because he was her son.

He was no pauper, he had a home in the countryside for his wife, a home in the city for his girlfriend, at least three vehicles and at least two businesses. I'd visit one of his antiques warehouses from time to time and just experience the history of what I could see. What I'm saying is he was in no way struggling, it was pure greed. He was going to remove me from the picture, vanish me and take it all. That's also psychopathy, there it was on both sides and again the only thing that connected the two was money, greed and power. I think the things I saw as a child which I'll never repeat were done to remove my empathy, if I cared too much they'd see it as a weakness and try to toughen me up in other ways, it never worked. I'll tell you a stupid example and you can laugh about this. I rotate my stuffed animals so ten out of almost two hundred always get that daily bed space, I spend time arranging them so each one is paired properly, then I'll enter the room again if I think I did it wrong. I obviously know they aren't real but they have faces, back stories and such. I've been doing that my whole life and never stopped. I think that's empathy, I care about living things and people too, a lot, especially animals. I once threw someones rifle into a river because they had shot a deer and that didn't sit with me well. I paid for it obviously but I was so angry. I would have loved a pet deer, I would have let them stay in my bed, washed them etc, everything, but they just wanted to shoot it. That makes no sense to me, I was never brought hunting again.

I've seen examples of people in my family and in others without empathy over and over again, which is why I said 'I think we do it to ourselves', I really do. If I'm right then they just gave up on me at a point and that pack mentality labelled me as a weak so they recycled me into something else. I don't want to hurt people, I understand shooting back if they shoot first but that's provoked. There are other examples too of course but my cousin really stands out because she never changed. I saw a lot of wrong in Paris and these people didn't just own the street they owned the area code, their behavior was generational. It's how they raised their children, it was normal. In TV shows you see families use love to raise children, then the child understands love and in-turn projects that love outwards to others, they aren't unaliving each other or doing all of the other things I won't mention. No one ever said to me 'this is love' it's something I found from TV shows and internet places where I shouldn't have been. When people say 'this corporation has no soul they just made one hundred people redundant before Christmas', that's why.

They don't see those people as human, not at all. They see them as statistics and numbers, they move numbers around to make a profit and that's simply all they care about. I hear how people at the top talk about people at the (bottom sorry) and it just feels wrong. I see people being treated in the absolute worst ways in some places I visit, those really dark corners and it just kills me sometimes. I love my family of course but I know there's no reciprocated empathy. That's why I live this kind of lifestyle, I can carry out an action to make someone else happy, do my absolute best, strive for nothing short of perfection and once I get that 'good job' I know I did it right and then I feel happy for it. We don't use the L word, no one ever has, just being enough is all I need. No one taught me how to feel, I learned in my own way. It might not be perfect and I can't do it alone but I do know that right from wrong. That's why I resent, what that power and wealth does to people especially when it's generational. My family goes very far back, they still operate on those same policies that got them to where they are now, there's no such thing as 'enough' never enough.

I'll read what you posted in a moment.

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@Tjuz I'm going to answer little pieces at a time and update this.

If I understand correctly, that has more to do with the societal position you're in, right? I assume Coca Cola is available in Russia much like everywhere else. As for the story you gave with the invasion and your base building game, it sucks that people are so instantly reactive.

• Most Russians I know drink those soft drinks and use Western products, even during sanctions it finds it's way in. Largely because we already had those channels, ports etc. If you ask me those companies honestly don't care. It's about profits for them, they can say one thing in the public eye but do something different in the reality. It's not that soda is a kind of 'you can't drink soda, you must drink this champagne instead!' I was just not allowed soda, maybe it was the sugar, maybe it makes children rebellious but it was strictly forbidden so by the time I did try it, very strange taste. Doritos I might try some day, but I'm not in a hurry. I think you don't miss junk-food if you've never had it and when I see some of those they look a little artificial.

I think people are so quick to react when it's a no pun intended - a Mob mentality. They slot into one unit of thinking a kind of hivemind and need to follow the leader. Also so many people couldn't previously even find Ukraine on a map, it was that much of a follow the leader attitude. Social media drummed it up further with so much uneducated quotation on both sides, it's like when I saw what happened in Israel and they were showing videos of captured Israeli generals but I recognized the insignias as Armenian military staff that the Azerbaijani's had captured in Baku. I think social media was needed but not false figures and fake news, that goes for both sides. When you can confuse people you can control them, you teach them to fear, show them an offer of protection and slowly over time their rights and freedoms erode. I know a lot about that. I've been to places like Syria and Iraq, so much was lost for nothing. I had such a different view of Syria before then, it was all hidden so well. Now I know the truth, I've seen what a barrel bombs can do. Another fresh example is my time spent in the Balkans last month (hence why I speak Albanian) parts of Kosovo are riddled with unexploded landmines, most likely left on the way out. That's not military strategy to me, it's collateral damage. Unfortunately our armies exceed in that department and I don't like it, I don't believe in innocent people losing their homes, their lives.

In fencing there's a balance, you respect the other person, you know where you stand and you know where they stand, it's equal footing and it depends on skill. It also involves respecting your opponent, you work in unison and in a kind of chivalry. There are penalties for going out of those bounds and you don't use excessive force. I don't see that in modern military engagement, I saw a lot of propaganda from both sides. My attitude wasn't 'we're going to win' it was 'why are we doing this'. I was been given a story and I couldn't believe it, so when people reacted with fudge you (insert name here) I took it onboard and did what I understand in war. Dismantle and get out, I tore that thing down as fast as possible. I've had to leave places fast before, actual real life places and my mind went into standard operating procedure. I didn't want to erase my work or myself but it's all I knew.

I personally view the Russian government and the people of Russia as entirely separate things.

• Thank you truly, that's how I view every friend I've ever met in places where you conform or become tagged as a trouble maker and they get removed. That's why that UAE thread bothered me. Sometimes we live under such conditions but that doesn't mean we agree with them. Like gay rights, I just see love as love, love comes as a God given right, not a government given right.

Some people of course take the cards they're handed and run with it not looking back, but you've given me ample examples that you will look critically at the position you're in and try whatever's within your capability to share the privilege with whoever you can.

• When your life is that deck of cards you learn to read the rest of the deck, each key figure of the court are organized in a way that makes sense, when you see that order on a daily basis and the kind of undying loyalty to that court you understand how to play the game. Maybe you shuffle it a little and gamble to create a better outcome. I've tried to help a lot of people and any time it backfired I paid dearly but that person was playing another game. I had strong feelings for him, and I knew he was lying to me, it went against every other conversation we ever had. He was putting up a front and I saw right through it. He only saw the potential jackpot and was willing to try to use deception to get it. Poker is about the cards not the words and he had only words. My logical mind kicked my heart out so to speak (it was automatic) and I told someone offline, I threw away any notion of him ever caring about me.

Verbal calls aren't binding in Poker, neither was he. That's how my mind dealt with it, I saw it as a game he was playing with my heart and something kicked in to logically deal with the situation. Which might be why I feel trauma differently, it became a lesson and one I cling tightly to even today. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't need a hit and run (Poker) I didn't even see it as cashing out. I wanted to leave the table and go back to playing Bridge with someone more worthy of my heart, Bridge isn't about lucky shortcuts and certainly not about bluffing, it's about respecting the other player. Something he obviously never had for me to begin with.

This might be somewhat of a forced comparison, but it reminds me of when invisible minorities would have certain codes (whether verbal or material) that would sign to the other person that this is a safe person to approach. It seems to me that this is the same in a way, but the message is simply different.

• I understand codes more than I can even talk about. Every community has it's own codes of conduct, some make it visible for example with ink and if I went to venture out into the hall right now I might see such a person. I have no ink because once again that's part of that gender divide and of a kind of ranking system, much like military. The more stars one has the higher their rank. The visible symbol I adhere to is mainly for when we are out and about but under his roof a collar is exactly what it sounds like. One might sparkle, the other might not, and maybe there are different types. Sometimes you need to choose functionality over fashion.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. The way you've described him makes him sound like a wise man and one that serves as the antithesis to the negative portrayal of the elite in media. It's horrible that you can't fully know what happened (even though it sounds like your gut feeling is the worst-case scenario)

• That goes back to my post about empathy. Some people have none and they make power plays to benefit either themselves or others. He was a good man, maybe he didn't always have time for me and maybe he could have done more to stop certain things but he did care in his own way. I think it's a show of strength when you can sit quietly in a room with a person who could do something like that and simply do nothing. All I see are people react, my reaction is personal choice, the choice to do nothing is still a choice and goes back to what I said about Viktor Frankl 'Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances'. My circumstance puts me in a room with that person and my choice will always be to do nothing, I'm not afraid of them. I'm afraid of myself and I don't want to lose my humanity, I've fought too hard to keep it.

Do you feel like part of the reason he moved you to the UK for schooling was also because of the danger? The way you described it sounds like that wasn't the primary reason for you, but I can imagine your family would've dealt with a very similar issue as the people who were sent there exclusively for safety reasons.

• This is tricky, you know how fire crackers sound? I was once at a funeral service when I heard what I thought were fire crackers, they weren't. I've heard a lot of fire crackers since then. In most developed nations a bad business deal doesn't result in that, people talk it out they don't fight it out. That's what I mean by soldiers. It doesn't get reported. It becomes a kind of feud and it never ends, Albania is similar. there's a tradition known as Kanun, it's more tribal, more secluded and it's very old. It's the embodiment of an eye for an eye, to those tribes and clans it's part of their culture. It's a kind of code of law, you have to respond in kind. When you grow up in that system you have to either learn to protect your self (boys) or be protected (girls) It doesn't end with children, I won't go anywhere without that security net. Going out with one person in a city like London is a luxury, back home it's many and that's the rule for a lot of people caught up in that system. It's the strength in numbers mentality and mostly preventative. I like to think of it as having something and not needing it than needing something and not having it. It's different for boys/Soldiers, they do what they do and they grow up very fast, they have their own way of doing things and it's more upfront.

When you enforce that gender divide so strongly you aren't just telling that one person that they are weak, you are marking them as weak to anyone else who might be looking for a way in. People have all kinds of reasons to want a way in and it's almost always by force. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't to be hurt either. I might not agree with certain customs but I understand the need to protect a person over trying to protect your money, I'd always choose the person.

Being sent to England was two-fold. It wasn't London first, it was the countryside, near a certain school. That was the education part which quickly collapsed. The second was the Person I was with. He was a close friend of my Dad's and he knew how broken certain things or pieces were. He sort of adopted me in a way and helped me to fix those pieces. He was also what you might call a strict disciplinarian but he never did anything without reason, not once. He made sure I was home schooled, made sure I had books, talked about what happened in those chatrooms and offered a way to make sense of it. I accepted and carefully learned the ropes so to speak, he saw it as one of the only ways for me to make sense of what happened.

I started to shut-down once that chat server was taken down. I'd had three years of someone talking to me, showering me with all kinds of compliments, effectively bombing me with love and dictating a schedule that wasn't his to give, but I did every single thing he said and with a smile too. Each day I raced to my computer to learn something new, it was a global group and I had one million questions for each one of them

It was a school of sorts and I don't say that lightly they actually had a school roleplay room for only adults and used to joke about having a real one. It was far past routine. And again no one questioned why I was on my computer all night, they were just happy to have me out of the way. I'd become so dependent on him so fast, I wanted to make him happy because he completed something I was missing. I yearned for his approval because his approval was engagement. It was like the butterflies feeling but daily, it didn't even matter if he wasn't talking. I'd hear his office a lot of the time, and hear his sectary coming in and out and just sit doodling and listening to music and talking/listening to random people.

His schedule become mine because no one gave me one, there was previously no bedtime it was sleep when you are tired, he gave me that schedule. If someone (I don't like the word staff) is there to bring you food and refreshments then that's what they do, no more no less, then they'd leave. They never asked questions either. When he was gone I just lost it, there was no rebelling, just nothing there. It wasn't even really the adult things he showed me, it was that older figure who seemed so wise, warm, protective, and I knew that if I wanted to feel happy all I had to was to make him happy, there were awful things going on in those rooms and he was selective enough to shelter me from some of the things I'm so glad I didn't see. I was happy with him but for all of the wrong reasons. I wasn't looking it as a future thing because I had none, I don't even think I knew the days of the week. I was lucky if I knew what planet I was on when he was gone.

I'll tell you one of those crazy head-games one of the others played on me because it shows how far gone they are too. When I was told that girl died in a car crash I was devastated, maybe a week later one of them said he was her brother and he could bring her back from the dead. I believed him, all he did was log back into that account and I thought I was witnessing real magic, I thought she came back from the dead to talk to me. That really messed me up for a long time because I wanted other people to come back to life and they didn't. Then of course I found out she never existed. It's mindblowing how anyone could say that to a child.

It's fascinating to me to see you describe Moscow as having such a class divide, when the Western view of Russia is always heavily intertwined with the ideals of communism and/or socialism.

• It's a huge divide and it's right in-front of peoples eyes. When I said the dead person in the snow I meant I saw an actual dead homeless person in the snow, no one cared. I did care, some people live in Russia others survive. I see ordinary Russians as surviving, to me that makes them survivors. Some people still hang onto that old Communist ideal but they want the lions share, for most it's Capitalism. They got too much of a taste for it when they carved up so much industry overnight, then those conflicts started. It was about taking what you can by force, it still is. Hence our armies are in another country unprovoked.

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so hard to differentiate from the Russian stereotypes you've been taught as a Westerner

• A lot of those are real, the old joke that everyone has an Uncle who is an ex KGB or a Gangster, that's normal enough when consider how big of a security state we are. We protect our own abroad too, not just at home. I can't elaborate there. I'll give you an example of a stereotype, Oligarchs/New Russians are such a stereotype that for a time you could buy jokebooks all about them, and little statues of business men. But it's real and people would judge me as one without knowing the difference. Maybe if I had the boy's ink, but then they might run away too.

I'm super impressed that you speak seven, almost eight languages! Are they all on a fluent level, or just a few fluent while the rest is basic conversational?

• A big part of that is travel, socializing and having such a mixed family. English is almost fluent, French is fluent, Albanian is better than my English, I can understand most Slavic languages because they are so similar. I picked up Italian from an ex girlfriend, very crazy girlfriend. I got by in Mexico with the Spanish I had, Czech I learned from spending so much time there and again there were enough similarities. I have no Mandarin, no Japanese (both of those are extremely difficult) I have a little basic Arabic, I can understand Serbian enough for a basic conversation because again it's so similar but I have to speak it very slowly due to the structure. I was listening to Serbian pop music maybe an hour ago and Albanian rap just before that.

I think English and Arabic are the hardest. English because for example 'breath in, breath out', but if you breath out on a glass window and it remains it's 'breath' but sounds like brett. Those small nuances trip me up some times, German goes right through me and I understand none of it. If I could learn one language it would be Breton. It's from Northern France and is currently endangered, I think it sounds lovely in song. Maybe in forty years it ill be extinct. It's not as hard as people think to learn a new language, at least if it's your choice. I think like a lot of things it's time, I'm fully aware that people have schedules, jobs, etc but think of all the free time you might spend on a game. And then there's the reason for even needing a language. I think English schools teach a small variety and then you choose one. I have no idea about America.

As for your entry into and exit from the film world, it sucks to hear that your passion was so quickly extinguished.

• I was but I'm not anymore. Almost every person I met in the film industry were there for the money, almost every musician was in the music industry for the music. Their morals are oceans apart. I think it's that Actors need the spotlight to play to, a musician just plays, often for themselves. With film it's not bad at a kind of surface level, the higher you go the worst the people get. All of those stories are real, it's systematic and expected.

It's not surprising to me at all that when you're in that world of what is, essentially, constant transactions.

• That's what wealth actually is, one big transaction after the other, until you wake up one day and realize you were a transaction too, because like I said we do it to ourselves. If we can do it to ourselves then anyone is fair game.

I do believe as a general rule of thumb that the more power a person has within any setting, the more it'll corrupt them. I'm sure there's maybe a few exceptions you can point to here and there that people would argue are ethical people in power.

• On the surface they might look ethical but the walls have ears, I've learned not to be surprised anymore because every one of them has skeletons in their closet. I've only ever seen it result in taking liberties either with things or with people.

I never considered that gaming could be such a useful tool at letting you get out of your comfort zone and meeting new people of all walks of life

• It's one of the only ways I found that provided a level playing field and then allowed me to convert that interaction into good conversation but it's in the past. At the start it was great, I met a lot of people on games like Littlebigplanet from all of the world and we started to click with some things. Then moved from game to game until somehow I had seven hundred PSN friends, I don't miss it at all. It's one of those things that are how you say good while it lasts. I should miss it but I don't.

Ohhh, it's very interesting to read of the dynamic where you questioning your husband is you questioning your parents. It makes total sense in a marriage and family like that, but I'd never seen it that way. Questioning your parents in the place you're in is, I'd presume, probably the most disrespectful thing you can do. I actually thought that metal music was a lot more political than you're telling me. I thought the appeal of it was a lot of "raging against the system" and such, but it sounds like it's a lot less politically challenging than that. Maybe I'm thinking more of genres such as punk or the like. This is where my limited music taste fails me!

• Husband? I honestly almost choked laughing sorry. I'm not married, Partner/Owner is absolutely not Husband. I believe in our D/s dynamic but marriage to me sounds like real slavery and there's a big difference between a submissive and a slave. Which I'm sure sounds wild to hear that comparison. To think you'd have more freedom being Owned by someone than married to them. Everything is still in my name, my parents are extremely particular with that. I've never signed anything over to any man, including my Ex. I'd be happy never getting married I don't understand marriage at all. It would be questioning my parents because they set up our arrangement, his family and our family are associates but absolutely not by married. We can tighten bonds and bind relations without having to go through a church. I respect marriage as a concept and all of the pomp that goes with it, also the part where you get married in the eyes of God. It might be hard to understand but there is a there is freedom in having someone else control of that freedom. Hence also having a girlfriend, I would never give up having both. It's two parts of the puzzle that when connected helps me see clearly. I don't think that Metal was rebellion, I think it was a type of music that no one understand so they had no idea what I was listening to. The other night a band called Chvrces was blocked by my browser and I tried all kinds of VPNS. When I asked on the DeepWeb they said they allies of gay rights, so my browser was absolutely blocked. It's that serious now, they are seen as extremists because of just standing up for difference. My parents always viewed Metal as 'noise' they never saw me as rebelling, they saw it as damaging my ears. Screamo especially.

I think it's dangerous to say that you "should" feel trauma from the grooming situation. I think the way you've experienced it where you still feel like you gained something valuable from the experience and can retroactively recognise the issues that were at play is honestly a way healthier way of dealing with it. I

• I did try to understand what Ravix said about trauma and I understand the English meaning. It will sound awful but I think there was a trade off, I lost something and then over time gained something. I like helping organizations who combat this sort of thing. There's not enough being done about it it because parents simply don't understand how easy it is to snare a child. The attitude I always see in the cases that organization deals with are 'not my child' but it was your child. You can't raise children on tablets and consoles and expect a sort of babysitter role from a device. I enjoy gaming but I know it's a gateway that the wrong kind of people do exploit. Tonight I looked through an old PSN account and scrolled all of my messages, everything from 'let's go on mic don't tell anyone' and 'I'm giving you permission' so much slipped by but I didn't understand. It's probably why I did have so many friends and parents need to do better. They can prevent this from happening if they gain that awareness and send them outside to play, not sit them on a tablet all day.

You're better off for being able to move past it and talk about it so candidly.

• I have to. When people don't speak up it becomes an almost non issue and once Roblox landed on the PSN I went into overdrive. They have a history of protecting the offenders and punishing the victims. For me it was a forum just like this and it happened so fast, just click one link and it was done. I'm amazed at how fast he did it and how fast I went with him. He did it like a magic trick. First it went to a site and I used that for maybe a week, he always knew when I was online and would say 'such a person will appear any moment now, watch this' and they did. He knew because he was using a program that worked with the site but he could use externally. To me it looked like magic, I was enthralled how he knew so much. I didn't know the other girls on that ice skating forum were him. He'd say 'I know what your favorite flower is' and he was right, or 'I know what scares you' again he was right because girls talk but they weren't real. I had maybe twenty four friends on that forum and at least eight of those accounts were him. Imagine trying to rotate eight accounts, but he did. It was so cunning and so patient. It was a game, he did it very slowly and was probably keeping notes as he went.

I couldn't understand how he did so much of it until we left the surface web. It had been magic and it kept me engaged. Then I saw that the group was his, moderator you say in English and thank God because he did keep me safe. I wasn't to be online without him, no one was to talk to me without going through him first, I know I was lucky. After two years I think he was starting to regret what he did, like I said he started seeing me as a person, they don't always. I find it really important to recognize the tricks and methods used to do that. There's a couple of aspects that I wouldn't describe because it was too dark but I always put every other detail on the table, it's the only way to understand that predatory mindset. Every one of them in that room were hiding a secret, their spouse, family, neighbours didn't know. They perfected staying hidden in plain sight, the women too. It wasn't even strength in numbers because they operated solo offline, they'd been doing it so long that they'd evolved and no suspected a thing.

It's funny that people will use the term "too smart for your own good" against you, when in reality it sounds more like they mean that you're too open-minded for your own good.

• I never looked it at that way but it's interesting. It never came up until t.A.T.u. and my questions about gay people. I just didn't understand why it was okay for two girls to be together but not two boys. I must have hit on something because that was the end of the discussion and it didn't come up again until I said I liked both boys and girls. And even today, even after talking to you I'm still very confused about sexuality. Now it's gone from taboo to actual extremist material. It didn't hit me until maybe a day or two after we first talked.

I saw how strange it sounded (to you) for a heterosexual male to treat having two women (who were together as a trophy) I sort of mentioned it to my Partner and he instantly changed the subject. I said I thought God says who can love who, not governments. I still don't understand why we're beating people up for love and putting them in jail. I ask and still 'it's just wrong' but then 'I like girls too' 'but you are a girl' it makes no sense. It's confusing the ever loving fudging Christ out of me and all I can think is they turned my preference into a commodity. It's the only answer I have. It just feels like even love is one rule for me and one rule for everyone else. Nor can I understand the dangers of being gay, only the danger of being gay when it's against the law.

I'm not very familiar with the Chechens you mentioned, but I have heard a passing mention of that conflict here or there. I'm definitely not as worldly as you when it comes to knowing deeply about many different cultures!

• Basically there were a number of terror attacks on Moscow throughout the years, one particular bad one was on a theater. a lot of innocent people. Then sprinkled throughout were other attacks, but in the ninety's we invaded their country. It's a long story but because of my Party upbringing it was made clear that the Chechen's were in the wrong. Of course my question 'why what happened?' 'they are just bad', and that was it. Put this way what if years from now I was born instead of a number of years ago. Would it be 'Ukrainians are bad', we invaded them too. I don't know what kind of story we'll tell our children. It's absolutely senseless, I know no other English word for it.

I think there's quite a few more of those "fringe" ethnic groups that Russia feels the need to deal with, right?

• In my words I call that racism. The groups would be Central Asia/Africa, visually different, different cultures (and yet I eat their food) Something from the start I never liked was racism. I've been too close to that political racism, it's not my family they aren't that way but as you know when you move between different circles you encounter people. I mentioned my time in Paris and how horrible that old money family was. They were extremely racist and I did not like that one bit. Which they picked up on and I won't elaborate on their response, but it wasn't light. I don't understand racism in my country because I don't understand not liking someone because they have a different skin colour or other features. I've been to so many countries and saw so many faces, skin colours and people were just people. I wasn't afraid of them, I was afraid of the people who were afraid of them. My brain just can't push past a why. This is an awful example but I don't know how to phrase it. There are two cats, one is black, the other is white. I just see 'cat', not the colour. I'd be happy to play with either.

I'm glad you're able to consume so many books! You being well-read seemingly has shaped a lot of the way you view the world... and what made your opinions possibly dangerous to the status quo you're living in.

• I'm really careful with my reading. The site I host my library on is one I frequently hide, adjust and even change the account name on. I did it over the weekend again. I have a lot more leeway in London but I'd never do this back home. My methods is to form a question then read about that subject, if a book gives me that answer then I'm happy but I did get caught reading about the Chechen War and I got an earful. I was considering books about gay rights, even on Kindle I'm nervous. I know back channels but still that thing with Chvrces made my ears perk up on the alert. My browser locked me out and that doesn't happen. This is new, making gay music extremist propaganda, I listened to Lady Gaga and of course Queen with no issues. My friend checked and explained, but it was the weekend so he was smoking marijuana. I understood most of it as some kind of 'they think being gay can spread to other people', which makes no logical sense. Is that something you've actually heard before?

I don't think I'll ever understand anti-gay things to be honest, even if it was gay people can't make babies they can adopt babies and a lot of babies will need to be adopted after this war finally ends. It doesn't bear thinking about, but sometimes I do.

When you say you feel it impossible to mix with the children of other business people, do you feel like your father's impact is what kickstarted that difference in your worldviews?

• I think children of most Oligarchs are just awful people. We both have the same shiny things but they rub it in peoples face, drink until they pass out, sexualize anything with two legs, break expensive things for the sake of it, say the most awful things about people. They just don't have empathy, they really don't care about anything. They didn't come up with the same ideals, there's no structure.

I'm not sure what comparison I can make because I've been around so many people from Hollywood kids, Saudi kids, and some British Royal kids, there was always varying degrees of not caring. Hollywood kids were just living in their parents shadow and harmless enough, Saudi kids were as you say a mixed bag, some guys were okay and we had some good conversations but never 'met' on some things. Our worlds were too different, I didn't even pray, now I do but that's different. There was a girl who's parents were related to the British Royals, everything was 'yes please' 'thank you please' she had manners. We got on well until we discussed music and movies, she had none of either. That was a little too odd even for me. She'd seen none, as in zero.

I find no common place with Oligarch kids, it's all about making as much of a visible scene as possible. I don't know if you noticed but I've never taken drugs, I'm fine with wine, everything they ingest is some kind of drug. I think the last straw or the defining moment was when we were out one night in Moscow, maybe nine of us. It started to get progressively worse, I told him he was far too young and I have specific preference, he wouldn't push off until someone came over and did it for me. It was near the end of the night and I'd had enough, I just wanted to go home. There was a bottle left on the table and someone came to clear the table, he started giving them grief, the person moved to clear my side and when they leaned their head went down he poured the bottle on their head. You know this saying to see red? I saw red. One of my guys rushed over because I think I was going to whap that idiot with the bottle, I was so angry. Then noticed I was wet too, it went everywhere, covered both of us and I told him I'd tell my Dad what he did if he didn't apologize to us both, he did and fast.

My mind automatically said 'absolutely disgusting behavior' and I wanted to throw the bottle at him but didn't, I told my parents that I didn't need friends, that thank you but I'm fine. I never went out with that group again. When he phoned the next day. I told him to never contact me again and to remove any pictures of me from that page or I'd send someone to go do it. I refreshed the page an hour later and he'd done it. They are cowards and bully smaller people for amusement, I didn't bully him I made a factual statement, someone was going to go over to his home and get my pictures off that page. I wanted nothing to do with them again. I don't have the words for how disgusted I was, I didn't care that I was wet. Just the fact someone could do that. Wrong is the only word I have. I should have told my Dad, maybe he could have done with some lessons from a real man. His Father was an idiot too and had about as much dress sense as an elf in July.

Something I didn't mention in what I said about empathy. And again it was so 'normal' that it didn't even occur to me to say it. Correct me if I'm wrong but regular (ordinary sounds wrong) parents send their children to school to socialize not just to learn. Which if I'm right means they spend less time around their parents, instead it's other children. I've seen how other children govern play but my cousin is a product of what I'm going to say. This is hard to explain. I'm going to try to describe what I think school does and why it's important. Children learn from other children as in to be social, adults serve as role models as sorts for education, language skills develop, you learn around the world about history, if there are business classes you learn how money and economies work, you are told what each job in life does and then study to get to get a particular job. You then use those earnings to provide for yourself and the family you make.

The way it works with generational is, you might go to school but you aren't told 'study hard', it's to keep up appearances, there's no pressure to learn just to attend and if you do make waves be discrete enough so it can be covered up. It's not 'I must get a job to survive', it's as you said nepotism, you know you'll be provided for. Other children become something you see as a comparison of wealth, not of interests like music. Or it becomes 'my Daddy makes his money by doing X Y Z' they aren't living for themselves, they are living for their parents because they are raised to inherit and to steer a ship. They become an investment. I touched physical money eight years ago because I wanted to put some coins in a fountain. It's not a case of learning how to manage money, that's a job title for someone a money manager, they do all of that. Money gets replaced with power, it's about how much power and influence you can gather, it's a currency of it's own.

You can teach a child about money by presenting them with some coins and notes and saying 'see this? this is how it works'. The only way you can teach a child about power and influence is to hold it over someone else, and make that action visible to a child. That's what I mean by 'we need to toughen her up'. It's done from a very young age and it's not always subtle, it discombobulates the child, they see something that should be awful but are told 'this is right, it's normal'. Home schooling means you don't even get that 'away time' from the adults around you, I learned to see staff (again I don't know another word) as people because everything they did was to help me, if I needed food they'd bring it, if I needed to go somewhere they'd bring me, I engaged with them and sometimes they engaged with me. If you talk to someone they become 'real', not just a name or a function, then slowly you gradually build up a dialogue. At the same time there is a push-back on both sides because maybe they are told to not engage with you or you are told not to engage with them. That's rebellion too but unlike the other kinds of rebellion they can get in trouble too, so I'm careful.

I have a hypothetical for you. If you form a friendship with someone who helps you like that, becomes friendly and interested in you as a person but they also have a job. You see them daily, it's a routine like 'it's nine in the morning, such a person will come soon with tea'. What you don't realize is their routine becomes yours too, nine in the morning becomes 'I'm going to tell them about a song I found', not 'I want my tea'. Sometimes they might want to converse with you too, and sometimes they just won't, maybe it's professionalism (white gloves mentality) or maybe they are afraid of you or what you represent and think you have a bad side that they haven't seen yet and won't take the risk. There's an unspoken understanding with adults, not children.

Maybe one day someone decides that the person was tripping up in their duties, and that maybe if they spent more time on their work and less on talking to someone then they wouldn't be called up for it. That person then becomes a display of power, maybe someone hurts them for not doing their job and as a chain reaction you feel that hurt too because you were the one who got them in trouble. That's how you toughen someone up. You take something natural like the need for conversation and say 'you did this'. It confuses the child, the child didn't lay a hand on the person but it was their actions that caused it. It becomes a lesson in cause and affect. I don't know what happened to my cousin to make her slot people even me into categories like that but she's an adult now and hasn't changed. I remember that 'kitties don't sit at the dinnertable' day like it was yesterday, it was so matter of fact, she learned it somewhere. We watched the Aristocats, maybe it was that. I'll never know, I just know her Father should have stepped in that day. Unless he was behind it, I've never understood him at all.

When you say you can never go to a place like a museum alone in London, am I right in thinking you're then accompanied by some kind of security that keeps an eye on you? I assumed that your partner didn't follow you around all the time when you live between UK and Russia, but I might be wrong there.

• I like the word friend but the definition of the job is bodyguard, which I'm not fond of but in the Middle East they call them bullet catchers which I think is worse. All I can think of as a reference is that movie Man on Fire, I saw that movie and recognized a lot of myself in it. The person was hired to do a job, through conversation he became less cold, he saw her as a person not as an asset that he was paid to protect. I saw guardianship, maybe others saw something else. I know it was a movie but I took some lessons from it, I even read the book. You know the saying kid gloves? Think of someone who can switch between kid gloves with you, then boxing gloves if someone becomes a threat to you. I'm not saying they are gentle to you, if they think you need to leave it's 'we're going' it's not something to debate because they know their job better than you do. If the bond is there they might want to protect you for 'you', that's happening less and less because of war. It flips a switch to a more higher alert phase, very strict professionalism. That's what happened over the weekend, I couldn't reach him at all. Also my Partner was away and I'm sure that was part of it too.

It's a really odd concept for a lot of people, needing someone to accompany you everywhere. Is it the lack of privacy part? I kind of see it like 'if you fly somewhere you need a pilot' so to me it becomes 'if I walk somewhere I need a friend'. People in the music industry had friends too, which made it easier to blend into that world. The photos I shared with Ravix and Stitch were possible because that press-pit was full of security, some of mine were there too but people would be none the wiser. I was able to take my photos, enjoy my hobby and be part of something bigger. I felt part of each concert because in a way I was, but a lot of it was seen through a lens too. I call that compromising. In film you have what's called a closed set, that's security too. We probably have different definitions of walking too, I mean outside but not outside. If I walked out the door know I'd walk through the garden etc and get air, I know someone would be watching but they wouldn't be right on my heels. I don't take walks down the street if that's what you mean? If I want to go to a bookshop we park by the door, it's done with structure, it's not wandering casually between stores. I've never done that. If I'm out with my Partner he's my mental security but we are never alone, they see everything. Which is what I mean when I said 'under his roof', they see things the guys at home/my parents home wouldn't see. I'm trying to think of even one moment where I was alone, as in your definition.

I think my definition is that technically I'm alone right now in this room, but if I walk through the doors into the hall there's someone there, if the house was empty then that to you would be alone. I've never lived in an empty house. I think also you might mean physical closeness when you mentioned a museum, that's a right beside me kind of thing. A painting is in their field of vision too but they are focused on more than those brush strokes, they are focused on the finer details of the room or whoever might be walking by, I don't impede on their concentration. That goes for driving too, I'll try to talk to them when we get back home, maybe discuss the exhibits. I can't when we're out, it's like distracting a pilot during take-off or landing. My Partner doesn't always travel with me, friends always do, and when we arrive there are friends there too especially back home. I've seen some parts of London by either car or by air but that's the same for everywhere I've lived. I knew the Upper East Side of NYC, that became all of New York for me. I know other parts exist (DareDevil has Hell's Kitchen) I just don't see them.

Through your privilege, you are offered so many opportunities that regular folks will simply not get... but through your privilege, you're also withheld from enjoying the more simple pleasures of life that regular folks get to experience for free.

• I'm not sure how to answer that. Except maybe with a question, if you yourself decide to just go out without a schedule what do you even do? just walk randomly from place to place for the air or is there a goal? If I was playing Infinity Nikki there's a goal but I see things too. If you live on that street then you see the same things again and again, why do you do it? Is it just to be outside or is there a part I'm missing.

People say money doesn't buy happiness, and I think that's both true and untrue. I think a lot of what regular folks struggle with and brings them unhappiness can be solved by money.

• That's the divide. In my situation actual money doesn't exist, I don't see it, don't touch it. For everyone else they handle it every day, the reinforcement is there and they in-turn learn that this object provides goods and services. It gives them morals and teaches them the importance of what it can do. It's a kind of respect. I understand that by definition. I was never told 'you need X amount to do this', I was told you 'you need permission from - to do this'. I never saw money as fixing a problem, I saw a person as fixing a problem. If I did have some problems, money won't fix them because that other person only values power and influence.

An example might be through colour, money is all different colours and so are walls. Colour is something that lasts (as a concept and an idea) but paint fades. It can temporarily enrich your life and make things look very nice and quite presentable to others. Eventually you might to see that paint fade, maybe even crack. The only way to fix the problem is to keep applying paint, I see paint as covering up something that to me was already beautiful in it's own way.

Whether it's never having to worry about healthcare again or being able to treat yourself to a just-too-expensive item you've always wanted at an impulse.

• That's why I believe in philanthropy, I know how broken so many healthcare systems are, it's a way to try to bring some balance into alignment and why that person in that PSN knew to try what they did. It was something I had a passion for and I knew it was for the right reasons. The friend who left more recently, one of the things they said to me was 'if I had four million dollars my life would be perfect', I asked what they'd do with it and I was given a list of what they'd buy. Then I asked how would you protect it? how would you invest it? They didn't comprehend that someone would try to steal from them, kidnap them, nothing of the sort. A couple of years ago in London (broad daylight) someone driving a Veyron had their windscreen smashed and were pushed off the road to rob them. That one car was worth three million pounds, they wanted the watch. My friend didn't understand the risk. There's always risk when you have something that someone else wants. The only way it works is if you sequester yourself away safely, by doing that you switch one life for another, and in my opinion you lose your identity in the process. I can only see one angle, I try to see both. Everyone has some kind of hardship, maybe we hide it better.

I'm shocked you were in North Korea! I didn't realize Russia and North Korea was close in all honesty. That must've been a crazy experience.

• It's how their children are raised. They live in a kind of bubble that I identify with (in parts) I'm not saying I identify with the one Party ideal, that's how you get racism and people being jailed for loving someone who just so happen to be the same gender. I identified with how we were raised, the same hobbies (that were often chosen by someone else) the push for absolutely unquestioned etiquette and obedience to their parents, I saw that in them too. The push to see The West as an enemy (which I don't) the kind of ushering and set-dressing of your environment, they saw what their parents wanted them to see. I saw that dead homeless person in the snow, they didn't. It was more than that too, they didn't travel so they didn't see how other cultures live. We were there for diplomatic reasons, not a vacation because like I said I don't do those. When it's that kind of attendance it's focused a lot on 'try our cuisine, come see our parks etc', what I saw was a really unsettling hero worship or fandom of 'we fought in this war, we did this' it was destructive not constructive. War was hero worshiped, war is killing people. It was just rows of things that in my mind were for, and properly were used, to end lives. They didn't view it as 'this is the past', they viewed it as an on-going war mentality. I didn't see it as a place, my feet were on the ground but my mind wasn't. I can't find the words. I think I just went into auto-pilot there, it was too surreal.

I can understand what you're describing in terms of the "angry nanny" all too well. Not that I have a bad relationship with my own mother, but more so with certain relationships I've had. The men you mentioned you went on dates with who were scared. At the time you first told me this, I didn't fully understand the situation you're in, but am I right to assume now that it was your status and your family that scared them?

• Oh she wasn't angry by default, she was protective and we did a lot of things together but she had a temper and when it came out it was for a reason. I'm not sure what my relationship with my Mum is, she's perplexing.

They were pre-screened, I didn't just meet three random men from the internet. One was in shipping, the one who cried. The other in hotels and I think gyms, the pilot wasn't commercial. I have no idea what made that first man cry. Maybe it was me, maybe I did something on auto-pilot and it was a redflag for him. No one entered the room it was just the two of us. The second one was the two of us, but he did leave the room then came back with 'this was a mistake', the third said the same thing. When it happens back home/Moscow I know why. It's the same reason that idiot Oligarch kid apologized after that drink when I said I'd tell my Dad. He had a good reason to be afraid of that outcome, maybe someone gave those three men a reason, I didn't.

I was perfectly polite and cordial, I listened to everything they said at dinner. I just wanted to try dating. I believe in subtly, those around me don't always. Friends do have a habit of losing my phone number though, after a while it's no longer a coincidence. If I was to hazard a guess I think certain people want to associate with certain other people because the image they portray is perhaps dangerous and mysterious, after some time they realize it's not an image it's that persons life. If that were the case I'd understand why those last two men reacted the way they did. It's possible they thought I was the daughter of an Oligarch, which I'm not. Then someone reminded them of the difference, which made them decide it's best to not pursue further. I would have liked to have spent more time with the first one, he was very kind, humble in a way too, if only just to talk.

You said you're not going to search for friends anymore outside of the Deep Web, but is that something you've actively done and craved for a while then? Do you have a big social circle of people aside from the people you're expected to interact with?

• The DeepWeb is a mix of just casual chat in chatrooms run by people who's ideals match mine, we're all there for a reason, we help each other, we're not on there to hurt anyone, I've grown good connections with certain people and groups on there, none of us want to see the world burn. Their methods are complex but not malicious, I've learned a lot about networks and computers over there, it keeps me a couple of steps ahead. It wasn't always as needed, maybe it's just war, words become weapons, my family wouldn't be happy if they knew I was against war, it would be bad for me but it would be worse for the person who told them. It's not ideal, it's that little bit of contact that I know I need to stay strong in my resolve. Propaganda isn't easy to live under. You are constantly thinking 'maybe they are right', now more than ever where Europe became the enemy. I can't believe that, I won't.

When you mean social do you mean friends like in TV series like Buffy/Xander/Willow? That kind of a way? None, no one like that. My girlfriend has friends but our lives there are one hundred percent separated. I've had PSN friends but was told they weren't real then they proved that themselves with their actions. I mentioned a best-friend on the movie thread before, that's my girlfriend but obviously we have a structure/guidelines too. We're very tight-knit, it's always been that way. We'll move somewhere, associate with specific groups, but there's always some kind of previous connection, at our core we all already know each other because we all follow that similar structure. The guys under his roof are his people, his family. The guys under my roof are my family, my people. I don't even think of not having any, if that makes sense? I'm surrounded by people quite frequently but of a specific kind, sometimes worlds might cross and I'll meet a favorite singer, I'll know their music not the person, they have no common-ground. Do you have friends, what do you do together?

Would you say Russian media censorship has gotten noticeably worse over time? I always assumed that it stayed fairly consistent.

• That's tricky because when I say decades behind I mean the kind of extreme censorship people are seeing now is similar to the kind of curated experience I've grown up with. A regular person might see that an App they used become banned like say Twitter, whereas I was never allowed to have a Twitter. It's the same idea of 'you'll be exposed to this content, so you can't have it', only now it's the Government saying it to ordinary people. I haven't had something like SnapChat either because I was told the same thing and now it too is banned because terrorists used it. I know they don't beat up people and put them in jail for protesting in London, I've seem them. I'm not sure that people do protest anymore. If I watched TV it's controlled by the State so everything there would be customized as you say. I think I last saw Western news five years ago, and TV maybe three years ago. I know Roblox was banned for being gay, not because it housed so many Groomers. You'd be arrested for explaining a lot of the gender information to me, probably tagged as an extremist. I used to use Reddit but don't really anymore, I know it's been banned before on and off. I'm not allowed to have Facebook and I'm quite certain that's banned now too but obviously VKontakte isn't because it's our Facebook and one hundred percent under monitoring.

It's gotten worse for ordinary people but when you are raised by that system it's already part of your life. With my President there was a kind of media push, I'll try find one one. This is what I was guided towards, it's a song about wanting a man like Putin, and the reasons why, strong, etc.

It's in the lyrics 'my boyfriend is dumb, he smokes and he drinks, my boyfriend is dumb like Austin Powers (The West) I told him get out I need a new boyfriend, I saw him on TV yesterday, global affairs, with a similar man I'll feel okay, I decided my man must be like Putin'. You hear that enough as a young girl you believe it. It becomes a template for what you need to how you say, aspire to be with. I hear it now and I can feel my childhood. I also hear my childhood in Underoath and all of those bands but they didn't speak clearly to me, songs like that did, they were in my language and directed my way. I was always shown pictures of him with animals and I love animals, even images of him playing piano and I do that too, and of course a military commander. That's what I mean by Memes, I have a hard time seeing through them because some of those same Memes were used to portray that same image. It's very hard for a mind to see past that when it's daily and everywhere you go and all people talk about. I don't think I'll break past a lot of that, it's too rooted. It's also a man not a boy see? As in you don't want a boy you want a strong man, there's no comprise that's what the lyrics tell you. I believed it all.

You don't feel like I've made you even a little gayer? My influence is waning! Just kidding, of course, haha. I just think it's funny to play into that stereotype whenever someone brings it up exactly because it is so ridiculous.

• I understand it and you but that stereotype would get you hurt or worse in my country and I'd hate that. If you look a certain way (even if you're not gay) that can be a risk too, people assume, often wrongly. Just looking gay is dangerous now, or those Pride colours, very dangerous. My friend fled because she was gay, we had a really strong friendship (maybe too strong) I talked to her for years almost daily, we even played online games together.

She was a little older but the nicest person, she knew who my family were and converted that fear into something else. She actually talked directly to my Dad, laid her cards on the table and he respected her for it. She was educated, very well spoken and we even talked some English together, she understood my way of life and never ran away, I had to learn not to spoil her but she was just worth it. I still message one of her accounts when I start a new game, or it's a holiday, I did it for almost three years now, the 'read' notification never pops up. It's sort of like a conversation but not, I think one day she'll see it but I don't know. This was the last confirmed one then I never heard from her again. I thought she just didn't want to be friends anymore until I saw gay people being arrested, then I understood. When you say a friend she was the last one.

I don't know where she was when we talked, I'd thought Saint Petersburg then after she never replied I'd realized she hadn't even been using Russian throughout the whole conversation. I naturally switched languages because she did. I think she was already leaving Russia or had left and that was some kind of farewell. I could in theory find her, she doesn't want to be found and I don't want to put her in danger. After talking to you it only occurred to me that she was openly gay, we talked daily for years about everything but homosexuality. It never came up. Maybe that's what she talked to my Dad about, maybe she agreed not to. I didn't see it as gay because it was two girls, I'd been told it was gay if it was two men. Now she can't even be herself in her own country, but I can because 'it's okay as long as you still have a Man'. Things weren't always like this, I've never missed anyone before but I know I miss her, it's the one thing I can't turn off.