Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

Expand

@Tjuz Your timing is very strange, I just finished writing out the last of the reply to your previous post. As in just in the last five minutes. I'll paste it here.

(This was after reading the rest of your post/Tuesday)

Four different countries in six days is insane! I don't think you're sounding ungrateful. I think you're reasonably reacting to a life with limitations. Of course you would ache for more freedom, just like regular folks will yearn for more access.

• I think people see travel as a luxury because they translate it as (vacation/holiday) I'll give you an example, this was also very recent and this is the standard, maybe it even happens tomorrow. I'll say you (you, because I know no other way to describe some things. I jump languages too often to get that part right)

You wake up at maybe nine in the morning, breakfast is there (which someone else chose for you, for healthy reasons) what you are to wear that day is laid out (someone else chose that too because you represent your people/family/name and keeping up appearances is key) someone a 'friend' walks in and tells you such a person will be up in ten minutes and they have one hour to get you ready before you leave for (insert country/city) That's travel, you just woke-up and are told it's time to get ready, then leave to some place, and you best hope you have the language so that you can be social.

You don't question it and say 'I'm tired, I need more time, a game I waited months for just released'. You just do it because you are on someone else's schedule not your own. This was the same even as a child, my family just stopped bringing me because I couldn't keep up, like the boy I mentioned in America. I could be going somewhere but I'm not looking at 'things to do' when I get there, there are none, no sights or sounds. I've never been a tourist. Another example, a similar situation. You found a game you really like, it has a seasonal event with something you really want, you either miss out on that item or you ask someone offline to run the event for you on your account. People were talking to my account so many times and assuming it was me, it wasn't. I call that compromise too.

W/we rarely discuss travel before it happens, unless he's doing something specifically special for me, but that's different. Car to car, house to house, that's one of the realities of generational wealth. I'm not sure where people get the other ideas from, maybe Hollywood I'm not sure but as whole we're assets for our families, as I said a transaction of sorts. Privilege, real privilege, it's dangerous. It marks you for life, there's a risk around every corner, no matter where you go on the planet there's some threat. And like one of those clips mention 'touch wood', that did happen and it was enough to put me in that mindset where I will protect myself, that's self preservation. That's why I found gaming, it's safe, you can explore, learn new things, experience stories, and most of all everything you earn in that game you know was by your own hard work not someone else's. Not once did I pay to win, when I left that game I gave every coin away, I was there for the challenge not the reward. That's my idea of luxury, somewhere to breath safely, every time I said escapism in relation to any post about any game I mean literal escapism.

There was a website I used to use where you could place pieces of fashion, music and other interests in a collage, I tried to do that with these clips. Maybe it will explain some of the things I can't, our ideas of normal are quite far apart. Some of those friends knew me very well offline. They read between the lines. Some of that text might seem peculiar, alarming even, that's life in a very small condensed nut-shell. That Person the 'Mr', might have come across as intense or overbearing, everything he's over done for me was in my own best interest. I'm lucky to have people like that it my life, they help me to steer with a moral compass. Most don't get that, and you see the results in the world today, there's so much chaos and so much comes from the top.

I've been to some very dangerous places due to that political side of my family, I've normalized many things and made exceptions for others. If you see mentions of concentration camps, I was brought to them by someone to counter-act what I was seeing in other places. I already knew conflict was wrong but I was shown clearly what humans are capable of, it's all about balance. That funeral mentioned was political, I jump at any loud bang now. I was there to show respect not to be blown up, I know war far too well from experience. I read about it so much because I want to know and understand everyone's position. That was the end of diplomatic travel for a long time and part of why I stayed inside for so long, that's not normal no matter how you cut it. And that party, I went out that night to dance, someone else decided on the destination while I was asleep. There was a major security threat, that's what I mean by dropping everything. I woke up in a room with no idea how I got there, my friends nick-named it The Hangover because the movie is about someone going missing during a night out.

One of my dreams was always to be a documentarian on a social level. Just talking to people, hearing their stories and engaging with their cultures.

• People who live like this tend to not speak up because we're severed from ordinary people. We're patient because we have to be, secretive because it's all we know. Everything people know about us is second-hand, it comes from social media (which is fake) or Hollywood, it's theatrics, the reality is very strict, we don't mix because we aren't allowed. I've found ways over the years and it's helped me see the rest of the world in a different way. That's something I do value greatly, the compromise is knowing it's something I'll never have. You as a person can always work your way up, you have untapped potential, society tells you that you can't, the media and nonsense distracts people from becoming more than they are, consumerism tries to sell a reality that goods will make you happy, I don't believe they do. I believe that over time the things you amass slowly begin to Own you. You lose your identity and it's replaced by shiny things, a stereotype, maybe I can speak at length about multiple subjects/topics but there's no one there to listen. I'll tell you something that's the God's honest truth, you follow the months of the year right? I follow the days of the week, not months and then those seven days rotate back onto each other. That kind of control isn't just the dynamic I consent to in a relationship, it was the same as a child, we're purposefully disconnected because if we see the reality of the world then maybe we might start caring about it.

Our worlds can be that far apart, and most likely are but I see you as a person not as a statistic nor do I judge anyone by their social, economic of political standing. My world is separation and I own that because I have no choice, intense at times too but my favorite Play isn't without reason either. Talking to you is defiance and especially now during war time. My logical mind understands societal hatred, my heart recognizes Romeo and Juliet. I recognize the duality, even the futility, I call myself the one percent because I'm a minority in my own social standing and in my own circle, not because I see myself as better than anyone who is outside of either.

Here's to many more messages and thousands of words for as long as we don't get sick of each other!

• be-careful what you wish for.

I've read through your reply multiple times and started my response, but I'm not done yet so I will refrain from posting it for now. Just want to make sure you're aware I'm working on it to not make you think I'm ignoring it!

• Don't worry about that, I know people have jobs, schedules, routines, hobbies and such. I've been out all day, that last post was an amalgamation of replies when I could get a chance to do it. The parts I didn't know how to describe I clipped from logs, devices, That was the sugar-coated side.

Expand

@GirlVersusGame I fully agree on those sentiments, even though I don't think I have heard those artists before. And yes things really don't matter, we pretend they do, but it is usually more the meaning behind them. You understand this as a movie and music lover, and games in a way, too. Things don't matter, but things often contain art, and art matters a lot as it is a connection with other people's creativity and emotion and spirit. Sometimes entertainment is just entertainment that passes the time as you relax and acts as dopamine hit, yes, but oftentimes it is still more than that.

I would also say that even if you think you don't want or need a physical vacation, or if you don't think you can have one, or that if you feel you don't deserve one, whatever it may be in your current situation, then hopefully you can still find a way to have one at some time, I hope there is a way for you, because it helps a lot of things, it really does. Even if it is literally just some time for yourself, it is still worth spending that time on yourself. We should always make time for ourselves in any way we can. (But I won't assume to understand, again, and i'm not great at flat out asking specifics, I just hope that you can see a way where it is possible to take time for yourself in spite of everything. Are experiences like photographing bands, stuff like that, not on the cards any more? I know it isn't a vacation, but it is still a personal experience you connect with)

I do not know 'Extraordinary Ways' but I do know the aforementioned Moby and 'Extreme Ways' which is apt.

[i] I didn't have much to say, I didn't give up the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself and closed my world
And never open up to anything that could get me at all.
I had to close down everything, I had to close down my mind
Too many things could cut me, too much could make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces [/i]

Think I finished editing.

Expand

@Ravix Things don't matter, but things often contain art, and art matters a lot as it is a connection with other people's creativity and emotion and spirit. Sometimes entertainment is just entertainment that passes the time as you relax and acts as dopamine hit, yes, but oftentimes it is still more than that.

• I can see what you mean, I see art in games, movies and music. I think my definition of things were cars, planes etc, something I shared with Tjuz that he might miss. My Partner might give me a stuffed animal, my Step Papa then responds with a car. I see more value in the former, the latter was done just to one up and it's constant. The attitude I'm around almost ninety percent of the time is that things bring happiness. Then I think like paint they keep repeating the process because those cracks I mentioned show. By the same token I know from talking to people how much value they put on 'if I had this', which I understand, I still want the plush.

I have horses in the countryside, a dog there too. They are cared for by the same Person who helped me see clearly when I first moved to England. That's a vacation or sorts, I've an arrangement with a kind of farm that has pets too. Actually, I'm not sure I should say this but it's kind of funny so maybe you'll laugh.

So this goat. We were one day driving through the countryside and the driver had to stop to receive a call, he got out of the car walked a few steps away so I quietly opened the door and saw a field and a gate. He was so preoccupied that he didn't noticed me calling it over and getting it into the car. Then I ran up and climbed into the front instead. He had no idea there was a goat back there until it started making noises. They actually scream if you can believe it, we almost crashed because it was so sudden. We stopped and I managed to talk him into letting me bring it home for one hour if I promised that he wasn't involved in any of it. Long story short I had to write an apology letter to the farmer. I don't just randomly borrow animals, it looked alone and hungry. I don't think I've ever borrowed any other animals but that was quite funny. I remember the call to my parents 'she did what? actual goat?'. I managed to get that goat out of the field and into the car in under three minutes. I call that an achievement.

Even if it is literally just some time for yourself, it is still worth spending that time on yourself.

• I can't, my mind can't handle it. The touch wood thing I mentioned to Tjuz means I'm terrified of being alone. It's one of those experiences that no one wants, it becomes a kind of sensory overload and everything shuts down. Even loud noises or sudden movements can do it, tonight someone accidentally dropped a phone and I jumped. I've had all of the therapy to combat that it always comes back. The outside world as you see it is absolutely terrifying. Video games help to sort of ease one into it but that has a shelf life.

Are experiences like photographing bands, stuff like that, not on the cards any more? I know it isn't a vacation, but it is still a personal experience you connect with)

• They can be on the cards but I hit a point of realization where the person who magically left the job before me didn't actually randomly leave. They were compensated to move to another position. I thought I was actually involved in something, then I realized my emails were actually bouncing. I was giving all kinds of feedback, ideas and spending a lot of time on something that was one percent rigged. It was film all over again. I stopped listening to Metal for a year, that night we were all sharing music had been the first time in a year that's why my wrap-up had none. Who gets hired to a record label with no experience in the industry? I did because someone else set it up and once I found out I said thank you and quit. I enjoyed listening to it over those nights but I don't want to show my face for a job that was given to me.

It's not right, people work hard to go up the ladder. The thing that got me is that people on here thought I was older because experienced jobs usually mean you spent years to get there, I see it as a fraud to continue in that industry. I have my charities, it's something no one gets involved in because they don't understand philanthropy like I do. I'd like to be a zoo keeper but I fear if I say that I'll wake-up to a jungle in my bedroom. Then I'll hear London Zoo is missing a number of animals. It's funny but I wouldn't put it past certain people. I've woken up to less stranger things.

What's stopping someone from borrowing one those sheeps in your picture? I see no fences.

I'm probably still within a rebuilding phase, truthfully, even though the real bad stuff has passed and I managed to still forge a life I can live, but I have my own mental and physical traumas and my own beliefs that deep down I am still not good enough for anyone, especially when I was not dealing with stuff properly. But I don't know, I have had various blurs or glitches where I am less able to do things, broken up with some 'normality' in between.

• I think anyone who thinks they are broken can be repaired. That man in the countryside fixed me when I was in pieces, when I say I was gone there was nothing there, I even stopped talking. He used the reverse (fixing the mind) of what the Americans call enhanced interrogation and took all of those little pieces, removed some, more or less reassembled what was broken and I'm eternally grateful for it. I don't think that therapy would be the right name, intense absolutely, systematic even, but it was a life-line. That's why I'm able to slot and compartmentalize so much, I learned from an expert. You should never ever think that you aren't good enough, that's absolutely untrue. Everyone has something to offer another person, you just don't see how good a person you are. That crazy ex-girlfriend I mentioned, she's an example of someone who could make a person think they weren't good enough, it was abuse but no one even saw it because she was female and we hide everything so well. There's a myth that only men abuse women, women abuse women and women abuse men. I watched her go out the door by her hair that night, that was the end of any relationship with her. She did damage that again had to be repaired. I think sometimes all it takes is one instance of a person saying we're not good enough for some switch to flip, and then we believe it. Not only that be we carry it throughout life.

We do it to ourselves too, we make ourselves think we just aren't good enough then we look at others and think we don't deserve what we see. It's a really dangerous thought process, one I've seen in people when I used to play online games. People on there were racking up so many hours because they had nothing else, I listened and helped where I could. I think mental health is one of the most important things there is, someone else looks after mine and again I'm grateful. If you can talk to someone, anyone, do it. I come from a world where being tough for a man means either showing it in fists or in other ways. Tough to me says admitting there's a problem and allowing yourself to feel those emotions, then to try to find a safe and healthy way through. Not to self medicate, not to drink it away, it's so taboo for men to share their feelings and I think that's just so wrong.

Expand

@Ravix That was my idea with the goat. To try and hide it as a pet, in a matter of minutes I'd pictured our life together. I didn't know they eat everything and jump on cars. They have hard feet so they leave marks too. I don't know what a sheep would do in that situation, maybe just stand there and technically lamb is tasty but I'd never eat a goat (knowingly) I've had some strange pets, I won't mention but most got too big then got dangerous.

I've been thinking of the countryside, I go every so often to check on my dog. He can't stay here, there were fights with the other dogs and it's not worth getting either side injured. He was raised as a kind of guard dog, he's able to push you to one side while aggressively bark at whoever is approaching from the front, it's hard to describe but he uses his weight to push you out of the way in a kind of constant movement. He wasn't raised to be around other dogs. So maybe, I'll be going home soon either way and that's technically the countryside, except now there are a lot of passing aircraft etc, for obvious reasons. Part of me wants to watch because I find aircraft interesting but the other knows where they are going and then I don't.

I might catch the Roadrunner Band, the company I was with handled PR for them, Nuclear Blast and a couple of other labels who came through Europe. I might miss it too, I have really selective taste in some music. A lot of press releases went through for much smaller bands that were picked up as support, that's why I respect the music grind. It's very hard to make it now for Metal bands, if you don't get a good support slot you might never be seen or heard. It's actually webzines that are keeping a lot of names out there, not magazines or websites, it's very fan-heavy. Labels aren't sending people out there to find talent anymore.

I warned you that your brain is far too powerful for me.

• I think I've just found ways to slot things and hyper focus to avoid other things. I'm still technically in school too, I still have tutors for languages and things, that's not counting a personal trainer, I don't like sitting still, that's when people start to dwell on things. I already had an hour of mathematics today.

I was probably now coasting along whilst still kind of shutting an important part of myself away, shutting my emotional brain off out of old survival instincts. Like the Moby song, but then maybe I forgot to actually re-awaken that important part of me.

• That sounds like me when I get insomnia. That touch wood thing means I can't fall asleep if I'm alone. For a time I'd ask someone to sit there and read their paper or book while I slept, then it worked. I woke up one night when they weren't there, grabbed a blanket and went looking for them. I still do that. I'd rather sleep on a sofa or the floor than sleep alone. That whole thing, being taken away from people like that is something that happens to very very few people, it sticks to you for life. Your logical mind says 'I'm safe now' but one loud noise and you are right back there. I leave London every time Guy Fawkes Night comes up, it's just pop pop pop all evening. That's me avoiding the issue for mental/emotional self preservation. I don't think you should shut your emotional side off, it will just keep layering up until you'll develop anxiety or worse. If you don't have it already.

You are pretty good with advice, you should do something with that skill too.

• That's where charity work comes in, I discretely help victims of grooming and other things. There's been a shift of 'it happens to everyone', so they don't talk about it. In a way it does happen to a lot of young girls especially over social media, it's become 'just get a thick internet skin', that tough skin breaks years later when you realize what actually happened. That's where the extent of my advice goes, the rest is just me trying to be human. People on those online games told me things they'd never told anyone, I didn't realize people held onto things so long and kept it so closed off. The reality is that the mental health service especially in the UK is a shambles, they don't focus on actually helping people. Instead they hand them a bag of drugs and tell them it will pass, then those same drugs have side-effects. That's not medical help, that's putting a small plaster on a problem.

Also that Moby song, you know what's weird? I've heard that many times and not once did I see the lyrics or even 'hear' them. It was always the mix and piano that I focused on until you mentioned it. I can't explain that at all, I'll sometimes return to a song and because my English improved and I'll maybe understand the meaning. Maybe I heard something else. I don't even think First Cool Hive had lyrics. I think with Moby I got used to listening to the tempo and instruments more than the words. Portishead was a lot easier, they had similar acoustics but sang so slow.

I have a question for you. When you mention having a normal life, what does that actually entail to you. Do you mean from a relationship standpoint or are you sort of secluded too? You mentioned physical at some point too, is there some physically stopping you from pursuing relationships or and such or is it just all of that self doubt?

Like, if I don't like me, and yet other people seem to consistently insist that they in fact like me, then I must be doing something right. Maybe that isn't healthy, it has, I admit, led to some interesting, confusing, and at times volatile relationships and interpersonal dynamics

• That word volatile is never good. I've been there and it's never worth the novelty of what comes with it. That girl I talked about was fine at first, then she started to drink heavily, take drugs, she turned into a completely different person. So maybe I have the wrong word but that volatile part came out and it was a tornado.

I hope at sometime you find inner peace in regards to how things went with your sister.

• Thank you and I have. She was living with that and with what I call a mind that wasn't her own, that was volatile too. I know partying didn't help, I think it amplified things and brought something to the surface. I'm glad she's somewhere much better. I've been to a lot of funerals and they didn't touch me the same way, it just made me realize how important it is to tell someone they matter to you. I'd had given everything to get her better but we don't always get that choice, a strong lesson came from it, something I'll never forget.

Expand

@Ravix We may have crossed streams Winston. See I can make jokes too. I think what I mean is that in business if you stay going in circles without make a decision, it's what's known as analysis paralysis. It means you can't progress forward and you then spend a lot of time procrastinating about how you wish to proceed on a project. That's kind of how I look at events, feelings in my life. If I don't deal with the issue, and if I spend time dwelling on something I'll hit that stage where it's just a loop of procrastination. That's part of how I compartmentalize things of the past that would otherwise try to drag me down into the water. I don't drown in my emotions if that makes sense? I just slot each event, analyze, sort it and move to the next one. I can do that with almost everything but that touch wood situation. The outside part isn't bad because obviously there's the actual security and that's part of life regardless, I'll never be outside alone so I don't have to worry about that part. I grew up that way too with what Tjuz called bodyguards and what I called friends, that's very normal.

The rest, the loud bangs, the fear from sudden movements, that's just something that can't be fixed. The sleep thing is different, I'll go into light details. I don't even have many.

Last night I went to sleep with my Partner, I woke up at maybe five in the morning and he was there but then I heard a woman's voice to my left, she always comes from the left. I have no idea why. She was one of the people who were wherever they took me. It sounded like she was in the room, obviously she wasn't. It's some kind of loop, the brain playing tricks.

Then I went back to sleep and had a dream of those same people chasing me and my dreams are always incredibly vivid, they grabbed me and I woke instantly. That's a kind of loop of a dream I get every so often except last night I tried to shoot them with a rifle that was much too small and missed all three shots. Also the sky was purple and walls were red, it changes now and then. The part where I instantly wake up has happened more times than I can count.

That's the part that can't be fixed. The actual event itself is very blurry, I remember things like being driven off the road from the back, being somewhere, being asked questions and not being able to answer a single one, them saying things/doing things/etc then either it was hours or days but actual soldiers came at night, there were noises, fire crackers etc, then I saw a soldier in uniform and he put my face in his arm (probably so I didn't see what happened)

Then nothing, I should remember being brought home to my family but I don't. To me now as an adult I'd assume that would be a key memory. I remember the car/part clearly, even the song I was listening to then flying forwards because they drove into us from behind and then another something turned to pin us in. I think most of the scratches and bruises were the crash. My driver blamed himself for a long time but he did his job, he was shot and injured but was fine. He's still with us in the job and I'm close with his children, I spoil them on birthdays and holidays. When it's political and these things happen it doesn't go to the press, especially in Russia. I don't know what they wanted, I can't remember even one of the question they asked. I never asked my parents if it was hours or days, I'd assume it was days because sleep must have been involved.

I know who did it, I just don't like blaming an entire nation for the action of six people. I'd like to be able to sleep alone but I don't hate them. There are words like PTSD but I don't personally subscribe to that, there are always people I can bring a blanket to so either way I'll sleep. I'm just glad it doesn't affect the daylight, probably because it was dark there all the time and those soldiers came at night too. The voice is the weirdest part, and obviously I don't like the dark. When I try to see the other five I just see shapes, and when I try to hear them it's jumbled, I've had all of the therapy, best doctors etc, I think it just is what it is. I can't dwell on it, there are things I could have seen but the soldier blocked my eyes so I'm grateful for that.

I feel it more in December because it's dark so early. I think sleep is incredibly important so I'm glad I do have my people etc, like most things I just make what I do from the situation. He's not away without me all that often, it's mostly the dreams. I did some anonymous victim support things but no one in that server/chatroom experienced the political kind so it didn't really go anywhere. I don't think the jumping from loud noises will ever go away, but some people are naturally jumpy too. I have full faith in my people, I'm not afraid of being out with them. It's the idea of being outside/or inside without them that's terrifying but I'll never have to worry about that. There's good, there's bad and I always just pick myself up (or someone else does) and just keep on trucking as they say.

I can't help anyone who's been through that, it's too blurry and so much was either not recorded by my brain or it was cleared by someone else. It would be un-ethical to even try to offer advice on something that is so discombobulated. The internet stuff, definitely, I saw three years worth of that psychology at work and gained a strong understanding of that kind of mind. It's ghastly but it's a unique perspective, I'll keep using it until either I break ties with that organization or they dissolve. Technology is always changing, methods change but that kind of mindset is more or less set in stone. There are all kinds of other things I've slotted away that'd you'd call trauma (in English) but they are dealt with too. Well maybe not the fox, I still get a bit odd when I see one but eventually that too will lift. If I didn't have this attitude I'd get how you say bogged down? like in the game Snow Runner, no forwards, no backwards. I'm no use to anyone if I'm stuck like that, I'd rather just switch to manual and push through the mud than let the vehicle idle and do nothing. And like in the game I don't care if I get dirty, it washes off.

Expand

@GirlVersusGame I've probably finished about half of my response so far, so I'll post it here for now and post the rest when I finish it in full!

I’m shocked that your story with your cousin went to the point of actual saucers of milk! It definitely sounds like a more extreme version of what you mentioned of her being the stylist (or some might say the dominant one) in the relationship. Of course since you were kids, it outed itself in a way that seemed innocuous more than anything. After all, I can understand why adults wouldn’t quickly say anything about their children playing pretend. That said, the way you’re saying it sounds like it went a lot further than that and someone should have intervened at some point while it was happening. I’m sure you didn’t even give me all the examples you could have. I suppose their version of intervening was to send her to the school for girls with behavioral problems, but that seems extreme and somewhat like handing off their parenting responsibilities. I can’t help but think but a six-month stint like that could’ve been avoided if someone simply took the time to teach her that what she was doing was inappropriate behaviour. Maybe I’m too optimistic on that front, since I don’t know how much of it came from a place of nature vs. nurture, but the way you described the situation made it sound like the parents were entirely uninvolved until it reached a point where they went for the extreme.

Even then, it doesn’t even sound like them sending her to a school like that ultimately changed her for the better. Maybe I’m presuming and there were a lot more to her issues that you didn’t discuss beyond this that it did actually help with, but if she continues this behaviour into adulthood whenever you see her, it seems to me like both the (lack of) parenting and her sequestering were for naught. Not that I’m saying she’s not a well-adjusted adult at this point except for those moments obviously. I don’t know her beyond what you’ve told me and I’m simply basing an image off of this story, so maybe I’m being harsher on her family than I should be. I will say as a side note, why do you think they brought you with them to the school while your uncle went inside and left you alone for hours? I was thinking this might serve as a warning, but you said you didn’t find out the actual reasoning for the visit until a long time later. I’m not sure what the whole purpose of bringing you along to that as well as creepily leaving you locked in the car for that time was. I’d assume some sort of power play, but even then I don’t really understand to what end that would’ve been. Were you just supposed to put two and two together as a child and realise that you were where your cousin was and to not land there yourself?

I’m not sure what you mean in terms of why your parents think you stay goal-oriented by matching you with a man twenty-six years older than you. Is the goal in this case being put in your place with an older man and knowing your “goal” would be to keep him happy at all costs? I suppose I can see how that aligns with wanting to keep you in line. I do fully understand what you’re talking about with how cruel people can be to those they consider strangers. Obviously we have different experiences on that front, but I think it comes down to the same necessary empathy. In your case it’s the treatment of hired employees within your circle. In my case it’s not my own employees, but I’m still able to see how people treat and respond to people offering them a service in shops and such. I’ve had a harder time noticing the bad with the language barrier in Germany, but some of it transcends boundaries. I work in customer service myself, though thankfully exclusively through phone calls, mails and chats. Not sure how good I would be at keeping up a happy facade with a difficult customer in-person. I’m fairly easy to read when it comes to my tone and facial expressions, which are nicely hidden in my current line of work. I’ve seen the dehumanising things people can do against those in service of them as well as been on the side of the people attempting to dehumanise me. I’m not surprised at all that the situation only worsens when you have people in actual measurable power. I appreciate that you aim to be different on that front, as I do on a daily basis.

The story with the burger is absolutely disgusting. The whole part with giving you the idea you would get toys to the point they’d let you pick them all out only to take the chance away right in front of you is one thing. To hold so pettily to an unfinished burger to the point of having you throw up is just inexplicable behaviour. Or so it should be, but I think you’re right on the money pinning it on psychopathic tendencies. I’ve heard these kinds of stories even from regular folks. I’ll never understand why anyone would want to humiliate a child like that, which I’m rather glad about. These are not the types of people that should ever have children or even be in charge of children for a short spell. I’m glad your other grandma was a lot more loving and caring, but holy shirtballs! That’s an absolutely insane story, but judging what you’ve told me about how you feel your father likely died, far from a rare occurrence in the oligarch lifestyle. I’m so glad that you survived with (seemingly) no lasting injuries! Most importantly, I’m just happy that despite having all those kinds of experiences and being exposed to witnessing horrific situations, you had the stronger mentality to avoid those habits and apparent joys. The more you tell me, the more I’m surprised you were ever able to turn out as empathetic and kind of a human being as I’ve read you are. Everything in your life was against you turning out that way, from the social circles you were mingling with to the familiar relationships you grew up with, and yet here you are. A better person than, I imagine, most if not the whole lot of them. If anything, I have to give you props just for that. It’s honestly impressive. Nature won over nurture in this case, it seems.

I definitely recognise what you said about false figures and false news on social media in regards to horrific conflicts like Ukraine. I’m probably fooled more often than I’m not, but I do tend to take everything with a small grain of salt nowadays. Terrifying to think that we slowly have to be on the lookout for AI generated content that’s looking more and more realistic as well. One of the things that also annoys me about social media in these situations is the way some will use their support of a cause for clout or to aggrandise their importance to the cause. The amount of people whose entire shtick on their social media for example is stuff like “leave a . for this or that”, which is just clear engagement-baiting where you are adding nothing of value to the conversation nor helping the cause. They’ll go after influencers for not speaking out about specific causes they “care” about, but their “caring” only shows in the moments where it’s hip to be for the cause and quickly dissipates as soon as it’s not the major conversation anymore. Not to mention that said “caring” is exclusively through the means of that kind of engagement-baiting and harassment, or maybe they even put a flag in their bio, which is all just so incredibly surface-level that it constantly pisses me off. Not everyone is like that of course and some do genuinely empathise and actively try things to help, but they’re a small minority in my experience.

It saddens me to see you compare your relationship to this person you cared for as him having tried to blind you in poker. To think that, like you said, you weren’t even a player in the game, but simply the jackpot he tried to win. It’s so dehumanising, but I imagine this kind of behaviour happens fairly often whenever you come into contact with someone who isn’t as financially well off as yourself. There’s going to be vultures in every class waiting for their time to strike. You’ve said you’ve learned from that experience, which no doubt you have. I wonder if you learned from it in the sense that you recognise the signs better and are able to avoid those types of people for the most part or if it has resulted in you being less open with people you know to not let them so close? As for your physical protection, what you said about you being marked as weak and therefore vulnerable by the gender divide is very interesting. I don’t think I’d ever seen it as a knife that cuts both ways like that, but it makes total sense. I think I would resent needing security on me at all times, so I’m glad you at least have your times in London where it’s less present than others. That said, I understand the need for preventative measures in a situation like yourself. You never know when the next psychopath might show up, and they’ve harmed you in the past as you’ve told me. When you live that kind of life where such dangers are realistic and happen, it’s only natural to be more protected. I’m happy that you can at least find common ground with the people who protect you and that you can see them more as friends. The benefits of having empathy!

It’s a shame that the education you initially came to the UK for collapsed, because I think I would’ve loved living in the English countryside! I am a small-town boy after all, so I very much romanticise that image even if I think that I would find it highly inconvenient nowadays. It sounds like your time with your dad’s close friend was highly positive though, both in terms of your general development as a human being as well as just a pleasurable experience overall. He sounds like the opposite of the grandma you talked about earlier, where he is disciplinary on a fair level instead of on a sociopathic one. He sounds like someone who genuinely tried his best and had a good influence on you, which I cannot say for every person you’ve mentioned to me, so that alone is almost worthy of acclaim. I had no clue people even did school role-play in some chatrooms! Maybe it was highly specific to the one you were in, but it reminds me of doing Hogwarts roleplay on Habbo Hotel. I guess that’s not all too far off, so maybe I’m a hypocrite for questioning it at all! I know what you mean with the feeling where you rush to your computer to talk to this person over and over again, having butterflies in your stomach on the way there. I’ve been there, though it didn’t last nearly as long as I had to cut him off after about six months when I realised he betrayed me in a certain fashion. In retrospect, it’s bad that he had the power over you to dictate your schedule and all, but I can understand how that felt comforting at a time where the real-life adults around you were just happy to leave you by yourself. It gave you a routine like you said and things to look forward to. The way you elaborated on the lie with the girls he pretended to be is absolutely horrific… I can’t believe anyone would lie about being able to bring people you cared for back to life. Not to mention that he was at least eight of the girls you spoke to himself. You’ve really given so much reason to lose belief in the basic humanity of people.

It’s interesting to hear about how Russian society has evolved to be way more capitalistic when the Western image of the country remains rooted in its communist history. I suppose once you give into the greed that naturally comes with capitalism, there’s not much holding you back to stick with the communist ideals. In general, I personally feel like communism is more of an ideal than a sustainable political system to begin with. I’ve had some heated conversations with certain people (like the aforementioned six-month stint) regarding that, but I think it’s overall a fairly accepted position. It doesn’t seem to ever really work on a long-term basis, because sadly the greed of people will always overpower any true aim towards equality. When you say you were able to buy jokebooks about oligarchs and such, I assume you mean even within Russia? That surprised me a bit, as I thought that kind of stuff would be censored by the people in power as well. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with having people in a less fortunate financial position make fun of you however, since it doesn’t actually change anything about the situation they or you are in. Let them feel like they have some power over you with their words without it being anything substantial.

I do envy that your position allows you to travel across the world to all those countries and learn all those languages however! That’s certainly a benefit to it, especially with how interested you seem to be in different cultures and the people within them. Are you one of the family who takes more advantage of that by actually immersing yourself into the countries as opposed to just visiting, or would you say that’s actually a similar approach many oligarchs take? I imagine many might not feel the need to meaningfully engage at all. I like the song you shared! Every country has their own version of Madonna apparently (though I couldn’t think of a Dutch equivalent really). It’s interesting how even the harsh realities of living in a more unstable country like in the Balkans seep into their pop music. I’m equally not very well-versed in German or its music yet, but I try here and there… and there’s definitely some German songs I’ve found that I really like. Fun fact: Germany is obsessed with rap and it’s their leading music genre I’ve found. At least among the young generation that I mostly interact with. I saw someone mentioning Breton recently and I think it was probably you. I did a little deep dive into the language after that. It was fascinating to learn about it! I love learning about those little tidbits of cultures and languages that are near-extinction.

What you said about musicians doing it for the love of the music versus filmmakers doing it for the money rings true to me. I think there is a contingent of filmmakers who are big enough to be able to make what they want and truly care for the art, but a lot of it is commercialised and there exclusively for profits. It sucks that the finances are such a huge part of the industry, because I feel like if given the opportunity, plenty of filmmakers would kill for the chance to bring their vision to life in a way that stays true to their passion. That’s where I imagine it helps that music will always have a lower barrier of entry than a medium that requires full crews to create something people will want to watch. I think with the tech industry taking over film, it’s only going to get worse than it already is on that front. They don’t see anything but numbers. Do you know the saying “one for them, one for me” in film? It’s a transaction of wealth and continued prominence as much as any. As for the more ethical seeming rich still being inhuman behind the scenes, I wouldn’t say I’m fooled by that. That’s why I only offered those people as a possibly a few exceptions, but even then I’m thinking in numbers I can count on one hand if any. I feel like the people in power have become only more brazen in recent times as well and nowadays are more likely to say the quiet part out loud.

Haha, calling your partner a husband was the unconscious stereotyping of yore seeping through, as I’m well aware that’s not how your relationship functions! I understand you paint the difference between married and owned as a different type of dynamic, with the former being the more negative one. I do view marriage in somewhat of a romantic light personally, which is another spot where the naïveté comes through, I’m sure. I’ve never actually been in any committed relationship, so I still have a lot of hurt to learn first-hand. That said, I’ve never understood sharing ownership of all your valuables and your life with someone else, so I think you’re on the right side of that by keeping everything in your name. I’m sure it’s practical as well for someone in your position, but either way, I don’t think I would want anyone to lay claim to anything I have just by the way we adhere to each other on a legal basis. Have you ever heard of a TV show called You’re the Worst? I’m going to spoil a part of how it ends now, so if you’re interested just skip over this part. What I want to say about it is that the way that show ends with them canceling their wedding, sitting in a pancake restaurant and deciding they don’t want to get married and instead choose each other each day might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. There’s something much more powerful about the concept of you specifically choosing someone at all times and being able to leave without hassle if ever you fall out instead of being locked into a life you’ve come to resent. I’ve heard of CHVRCHES and it doesn’t surprise me that they’re very queer-friendly, but I’m shocked that even that can get you blocked now within Russia. I don’t even know if they’ve been openly expressing that throughout their music. Even having that opinion on the backside can already result in censorship. Crazy.

My parents let me online without supervision from a very young age. I think I was diving into avenues of online socialising as early as eight or nine years old. That said, they would always talk to me about what I did online and make sure that I knew what to avoid and how to deal with certain situations. I always really appreciated that they trusted me to make the right decisions as that gave me the freedom to meet people and explore society from my own room. Not that I didn’t have any friends in real life, far from it, but I was the kind of social butterfly kid who never wanted the interaction to stop. Or you could alternatively call me an attention-seeking kid (and adult)! What they did was dangerous, but luckily I got through it without any scars and had enough guidance to avoid bad situations. I count myself lucky there, as I’m sure not everyone in my position there would’ve had the same experience. I imagine for women it can be all the more dangerous. Even as a kid, I already saw the differences in how girls were being treated compared to myself. I’m just happy I was never a part of those types of behaviours, and was more likely to call them out and become protective if anything. The types of messages you mentioned are exactly what I think of when it comes to that. I’m glad that you’re paying it forward with your privilege to work with organisations to avoid those types of engagements for the young folks nowadays. With how much more accessible everything’s become, the danger has only spread as well. Speaking of Roblox, I heard recently that the CEO made comments regarding the amount of predators on their platform and essentially refused to refute or condemn it. The least he could’ve said was that they are actively working against anything like that on their platform, but he wouldn’t even go that far.

Out of curiosity, how long did it take for you to start asking questions about queer people? Obviously they shut it down quickly, so I’m sure it wasn’t much of a conversation, but I wonder how old you were when the thought of that first crossed your mind. But yeah, when you even discuss it with your partner nowadays and he reacts like that, I can imagine how the topic stays confusing in your head. I’m assuming it always feels like you’re making progress in the way you’re thinking about things only to be told different views towards it in your daily life. I’m glad that your compass is strong enough that you know from yourself that there is no issue, but no one is immune to having their thoughts scrambled simply from having conflicting thoughts put into them. For what it’s worth, I obviously feel like you have the right end of the stick there. All the danger that comes with being queer is purely from society and nothing that inherently comes from within. You could quote suicide rates and such, but that’s all societal pressure. You could argue STDs, but that would be less of an issue if it was broadly accepted in these places as proven in the West. You could argue surgeries or hormone therapy in the case of transgender people, but that would also be way better if trans people would have better access to medical care.

What I’m most aware of when it comes to Chechnya is the mass killing of queer people in the last decade. You told me that Russia invaded the region in the 90s. I’m wondering if that then means that it came from a Russian directive or whether Chechnya still has their own people in charge despite being under Russia in modern times. Either way, what happened to them to start with sounds like a bad situation. It’s so often where terrorist attacks performed by few end up being negatively impactful to so many. I won’t say much more about it as I don’t want to tread where I don’t have much knowledge, but it reminds me of the way Europeans or the US looked at Arab countries after certain terrorist attacks. In the US, they went as far as to invade as well. It is all racism in the end. A person of non-native ethnicity performs a bad act and you don’t hear the end of it. A person of native ethnicity does a bad act and it gets a lot less publicity. There’s no other way to look at it other than what you said: racism. That said, countries are so diverse nowadays in terms of ethnicity that it’s hard to even say one ethnicity is the rightful native, but I had to put it in some terms that made it obvious what I meant and didn’t sound prejudiced.

It really shows how times have changed that you were able to unapologetically listen to Lady Gaga, but that now something as mild as CHVRCHES is getting blocked. I didn’t realise until talking to you that even within Russia, queer topics were getting progressively taboo. I just assumed it was taboo to begin with for the most part and that a regression was practically impossible. Clearly I underestimated quite how much a society can regress on “controversial” topics like these. I’ve definitely heard the thought that gay people will spread their “affliction” to others. It’s basically what every ignorant person thinks in the West as well. Think of the situations like with drag queens reading books to kids and how that was allegedly going to make the kids queer. It somehow makes sense in their brains, because they don’t consider the other side of it at all where I wasn’t turned straight just by consuming so much straight media. Like I said, I do find it funny to joke about it, but like you said, it’s only because I’m in a position of privilege geologically that I am able to without repercussions. If I knew I was in a place where this was less accepted, I’d do a lot more to hide queerness as much as I can. Unfortunately, I have been blessed with a high voice and the typical gesturing people associate with gay people, so it takes a lot to do that! They wouldn’t be wrongly assuming in my case, which would just make it all the more dangerous for me.