Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

Expand

@Vermines I know you said you don't want a reply but sometimes I'm stubborn and I've just had my daily coffee, this is one of those moments. I want to be clear that I'm not dissecting your words or thoughts to the point of counteraction. I just naturally have to take words and constructs apart to understand them, it comes from being in a place where the information that I want to know clashes with what I 'need' to know. (books are rebellion) Or rather people only explain enough so that they can imprint their kind of thinking onto you, that's why I've had a little trouble trying to understand 'some' of the things you are facing but not all.

I see a lot of similarities in our lives and that for me is quite strange, I'm not being flippant, it's true. You say you weren't ready to be out, I can relate with that but in my own way. Ravix thinks I'm paranoid because sometimes I have bouts of insomnia, that's not the case at all. I don't go anywhere alone. It might be hard to understand but I don't think I've ever been out anywhere alone so I can't even imagine what that might feel like especially if you aren't comfortable with your body.

A lot of people experience a kind of body dysmorphia, girls especially. Maybe we do it to each other? There's a lot of pressure to look your best and even when you do there's the nagging feeling that perhaps you could do better because of how it reflects upon the Person you are attached to. Which again is why I used the word trophy before. Then when you do feel your best you question if someone else is talking to you based on those looks, or who you represent. I joined this site last December and didn't want to be judged on my looks. Some people show interest for the wrong reasons and I don't like it. Some people revel in that kind of attention and think perhaps they do it because something is missing, or perhaps it's a kind of leverage. It's very hard for me to elaborate, it's very pot/kettle/black. Life can be very complicated unless there are guidelines to follow and not everyone needs them.

I think your idea of out and my idea both co-exist in some kind of mixed reality. We both perceive threats from the outside and unfortunately those threats can be very real. I don't like the idea of something bad happening to you or anyone else because they are different, you don't have someone with no neck to take those blows. It's such a disappointment that society can put that kind of pressure on orientation or self.

The truth is I was reaching out because I had to. I need help. I don't fit in normal everyday social media roles, I generally hate people.

• Why do you think it's wrong to reach out when you need to? I reach out to people all of the time, I've learned that loneliness only leads to bad thoughts and bad actions, against others and against yourself.

This might be hard to understand but it's possible to be in a room full of people, and still be alone. That's how I've spent most of my life, I don't want that to happen to you. I stayed up all night talking to ethical hackers (white hats) fixers and generally odd people just so I had someone to talk to. They know me but they don't 'know' me, they might agree with my goals, they might even care a little but I'll never know if they care because of what I can offer as a client or perhaps it's something else. I can't distinguish between the two. Perhaps war brings like minds together, I don't know. This is my first active one. I do however believe that it's also possible to be at war with your own mind, especially if someone has gotten in there and scrambled your senses. Which as I've already eluded to has happened. I kept my empathy and I feel tremendous empathy for your situation and for you.

You didn't bother anyone, caring isn't bothering someone. I provided an example of that last night. That person cared, to someone else it may have appeared as bothering them but they don't know that person. When they said they care I believe them, many times people like that have proved that they are true to their word. My word is my bond, I do care about what you are going through as do many others here. I'm sorry that it's overwhelming to feel cared for, I've been there too and there was no kind of commodity that could ease that inundation of doubts, fears and second guessing.

I understand what you mean by a safe space but listen for a moment. Cages, even gilded ones aren't there to keep others out they are there to keep you in. It took me a very long time to realize that. I've had safe spaces online and they never lasted. At least not on the surface-web and I really don't think you need to be delving into the deepweb, it's an acquired taste that requires safe guards and people who can help you navigate. In a way social media felt quite similar, my friend said overwhelming and that word definitely fits. It was overwhelming to me at first because I was connecting with strangers who were saying the nicest things and showering me with compliments.

It took a very long time to see the forest for the trees. This is why I now call it para-social media. They didn't know me, they knew my things and some how wanted to live parts of my life through my pictures. I was sharing nice things because to me those nice things were part of normal life, I had no reference point for any other way of living. I didn't just arrive on social media, it was curated. Like most of my life, someone else organizes everything down to the finest detail and social media was no different. I think in a way it was being used to reinforce my idea of what was normal. You emulate what you see, I saw the children of other 'business people' flaunting what they had, then that becomes normal because you aren't taught to be humble. It's done to remove your empathy so that when you do come of age you can do what needs to be done to ensure the machine continues to run, even if it runs people over. You have empathy, but you need to re-direct that empathy right back to yourself. Please don't judge yourself to the standards of social media, it's not a lens into peoples lives, it's a filter.

I am trapped in my head all the live long day. I have spent 7 years on my own and this year has been tough. I suppose on the outside looking in I am doing ok.

• Again this is what I mean by being at war with your own mind. I need to ask, if gaming is a hobby why not find a group of people going through the same thing and spearheading a kind of active in-game community/chat? I did that for quite sometime and it helped, I talked to people all over the world and while some people could do with maybe not chewing a straw on mic, or perhaps turning down their music, it's something. I stopped when my Ex decided I wasn't allowed to talk to other boys, which then evolved into other girls too. He made sure they heard everything, you don't have anyone looming over you like that. Perhaps take advantage of your time and see if it works? Or am I wrong in assuming transpeople socialize with other transpeople by default? It's a very confusing topic, but I don't find you confusing. I think there is strength in numbers and in unity, unless perhaps you don't like online games?

I've been on Hormones for 3 years

• Oh boy, welcome to womanhood chick. I can understand some of what you might be feeling, I've had a lot more than three years to balance all of that inner musical chairs. I've also learned to hold onto different emotions and compartmentalize them to fit the particular situation but that's a survival technique. That goes back to what I said about my behavior reflecting on others, and how every action has a consequence. You don't need to worry about that, but I think maybe you do? From where I'm sitting you appear to be suffering from mood swings, that's normal, compartmentalizing them is not. Unfortunately many of my tips to deal with hormones are either not PG or involve firearms, just not at the same time.

I have 2 friends, both far away from here in Cambridge, and I seldom see them as much as I wish. We call once a week, its great! But, I was looking for something else and I found it here.

• You found something here, that's not a bad thing. I found something here too, the only difference is I spent a year carefully watching how the cogs moved and deciding if it was a good fit. I did that for myself, no one else ushered me here. The irony is that now this and gaming are taboo and entry points to free thinking 'different' people and ideas that threaten how I'm supposed to perceive the world right now. People have said some things that did upset me but I understood where it came from, the entire internet was in that camp. It was weaponized by someone else, not the person, they were part of that feedback loop. I hate to say it but I've seen the same thing with sexuality, orientation, and different ways of life bit that's not the user-base it's some idiot with a throwaway account who is so bitter with themselves that they have to take it out on someone who can't defend themselves. One day they'll meet someone who can, then they'll sing a different tune. I mean what I said about there being strength in numbers, there are more good people here than bad.

I deal with a lot of hate outside, and I get a lot of names. I have to be careful who I trust. I have good and bad days, but my sensitivity to stuff has been climbing. I no longer feel that safe anymore. I have been living in my head too long. I don't know how to relax inside, or outside. It has been getting harder for me.

• Refer to everything else I said about our commonality. I wish you could feel safer outside and I wish it was the kind of safe that didn't involve a bulge in a jacket (I won't elaborate) I only know one kind of safety and only one way to respond. It's survival and involves that strength in numbers that I mentioned. I don't know what's happened to England, it too has been a curated experience. I only see what someone else needs me to see and when I do drive it's track days. That's not a road, that's a high speed hamster-wheel. I like cars but I never discuss them, I understand that divide. I don't know how they can fix England and help people (different or other) feel safer on the streets. In a way we walk the same streets but we don't. We breath the same air but we don't. Why do you think you triggered me? because I may have stayed up for a couple of hours worrying about another person? did you see what my friend said? 'kindness sticks especially with you', they meant that when I do care it's genuine care. I can't turn that part off. I turn other parts off when I need to but never that.

I felt inadequate. For instance, I know Q is not a derogatory term, and I know when its used as vile ammunition against us! But, why I couldn't articulate like Tjuz did, instead I reply with a google link. I felt stupid, like I had missed something and doubted my own own take on that term. If I could write like that, I would be so happy. God, I sound creepy......

• I'm sorry but my not being able to say a word that can also be used as derogatory for some is another part of myself that I can turn off. I don't swear, I'm not a prude it's just something that's frowned upon and goes back to what I said about enforced gender. I don't know if you saw my playlist when you left that comment, I like everything from classical to rap so I'm exposed to 'possible' derogatory words. I just won't use them if there is that doubt. The mentality I was given is that boys are soldiers and girls are princesses, if you keep enforcing that on someone even into adulthood you remove their ability to see it any other way and like I said we're at war on more than one front.

I didn't see a Google link, perhaps it was blocked on my end. I'm constantly trying to stay one step ahead of a system that wants to criminalize difference, my methods might seem elaborate and perhaps even baffling. Everything has a reason. Tjuz might be older (no offense @Tjuz) they might have more life experience, they may have (like me) had to learn English in such a way where articulation was key. I don't think you'll understand this but it's better to speak for yourself than to have someone else speak for you I.E. my choice being circumvented by an Intermediary. I had no choice, therefore I had no voice. You have one, use it. Why do you think you sound creepy? I've talked to so many deviants, groomers, the worst of the worst and you are practically Edwardian compared to a real 'creep'. Do I sound scary? I think sometimes I do but that's because so many contributing factors in my life and situation are, the result is isolation. I'm approachable here because I'm able to put myself here and show people who I can be when I'm given that breathing space (which is again taboo now) it's a luxury I'm not afforded offline. Those three men I mentioned were scared off by someone or something. I had to leave school because each time a body showed up in the news children made jokes that I knew who did it, I don't know what you went through in school but I don't think it was happy. I found my solace in homeschooling, it's not always practical but I'm grateful I had to chance to at least try the former.

Then I fudged it, because no matter how hard I try I cant succeed at the moment with social interaction and my head at the same time, and yet I need it. A perfect storm of push and pull explodes into this mess, and me having to explain again.

• That sounds like a hormonal imbalance, yes three years is a long time in numbers but the human body and mind are far more complex than one number. You are going to feel up one day, then down the next. You'll feel like you have lost your marbles but it's only your mind playing tricks on you. I once had to take ant-depressants and after less than a week I threw them into the snow. I felt like I didn't even know myself, I understand that from time to time people need medication but that was the end of it for me.

How can I expect anyone to like or love me in life if I hate myself.

• May I be blunt here? I understand the concept of love, and have seen all of the movies about it but no movie or book will ever explain it to me. It's not something you spell, it's something you feel. I think the people I've been with have loved me in their own way but you have to be careful with self-hate. Nothing and I mean nothing good comes from hate. It's completely self-destructive and unfortunately there are people who can and will find that quality in a person and use it to fulfill their own need to hurt. You're hurting enough. I would like to say that the answer is to find someone who loves you for who you are first and the rest will follow, but my belief is that like attracts like. You need to love yourself more, find the good in yourself.

I need no replies, that's not what this is about. I'm not mad! A little needy, but not mad. I don't need constant validation or attention. I don't expect a thing, but I will keep my comment activity to the news section with occasional smiles if its of interest. I wont make the mistake of trying again. I cant anyway at the moment. I loved getting to know some of you.

• You might not 'need' a reply but like I said above my stubbornness told me otherwise today and sleep brought a lot of clarity. I really don't like insomnia, my friend telling me to run in circles was kind of funny but they were right. I've been cooped up somewhere for the last few days and we're finally leaving for England. I don't really know anyone here, nor what we we're even doing here. It's an odd feeling to be somewhere and not know why, but it's one I'm quite familiar with. Perhaps you can relate in your own little way, however I do know why you are here now. What you call 'needy' is defined as lacking certain necessities that are required to live. I have all kinds of necessities that I don't need to 'live', but I do need human contact to survive and so do you. I found human contact in so many of the wrong places but you don't have to. You might think you are weird, and creepy as you put it but to me you are perfectly normal and pretty which might be hard to believe if you had so many people say that you weren't.

You are all so freakin smart its not even funny. I cant keep up. I have such admiration for you all. I have no skillset to speak of and I must have seemed so basic.

• I didn't wake up one day with a language, I worked hard to get there and still do. I don't think education is intelligence, it's what you are willing to absorb on your own. You need to absorb the fact that you are a good person and that you do matter. There are exceptions where a hobby may have been thrust upon me, but a lot of my reading interests aren't because like I said books are rebellion. Right now your mind is rebelling and a lot of it could be down to a hormonal imbalance which (I'm no Doctor) should in theory level off once you do finalize the surgery you mentioned. Would you rather have a skill-set that's of use to you? or that's of use to someone else? You do have skill-sets, you just can't see them. You aren't basic, nor are you the other word you called yourself above.

My parents were cold, ignorant and callous when they turned. and it was feral.

• I left this part until last. Family is everything to me, I'd die for them and they'd die for me, it's crucial to my upbringing. At the same time I understand what you mean by cold and that goes back to what I said about the removal of empathy. In a sense I did 'come out' but it was seen as an extra chess piece, not an inner quality. At the same time the piece that moves in an L (love) is the Knight and I like him too so to me it is an inner quality. I'm not forced to pick and choose like a bucket of Haribo, I can enjoy all of the flavors. You never really did make a choice, you are just you and I'm sorry but if your parents were too blind to see who you really were then perhaps they have to consider an eye exam. You may think you locked yourself away but parents know their children, even if they say they don't. If they admit the signs were there then they show weakness. What you showed is strength, they could do with a dose of strength too but it's not your job as their child to do it for them. You made your move on that chessboard and they need to respond less with their 'feral' emotions and more with the strategy that leads to clear and brings about the result that is healthy for all parties involved.

I fear some humour was lost on me, but seeing as I am the queen of bad jokes and irregular timing, I cant really talk.

• Humor is lost on me all the time, it soars right over my head like a jet. I might see the trail of smoke or have some kind of familiarity with how that machine operates but I'm forever trying to deconstruct every nut and bolt until I get to it's core. Sometimes that can be part of the language barrier, other times it just boils down to the fact that we are all individuals with our own quirks, oddities and eccentricities. It's better to own them.

Here's my favorite joke: What make of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound Maybe it's bad, I like it.

Tdlr - You don't need to reply.

you matter.
you are loved.
you are needed.
you are capable.
you are beautiful.

Even if you don't see it.

Expand

@GirlVersusGame Intersex is a term for people who were genetically predisposed to and born with bodily traits of the opposite sex. So say you are born a biological male, but also have some parts of the reproductive organs characteristic of a biological woman for example. Anything that deviates from the norm in how a typical male or female body should function on a genetic level. It's a very small amount of people who would fit the bill (or actively identify it to begin with), but it's included within the acronym. I've personally never met anyone who was intersex.

Yeah, if something is being told to you as a fact as a child, you're simply not going to question it. The older you get with that mentality, the harder it'll be to shake even when you try. Let alone start finding issue with it to begin with. It's as cyclical as anything throughout generations, and it takes awareness and the undeniable existence of people like the queer community to even make a dent in that. It's not even that it always comes from a bad place as we mentioned. Ignorance can be just as harmful as negligence. I actually heard a story somewhere a few days ago (and I can't think for the life of me where) that this reminded me of. It had to do with the fact that when illustrating children's books, it's seen as incredibly important to be true to life in how you portray real things on a psychological level. For example, if your story involves an illustrated elephant, it needs to look like an elephant. A child is going to read your book and assume that what you're showing them is what's true in real life, because they are establishing the very foundations of common knowledge. I think the same goes for their views on societal values.

I'm sorry that you had such a hard experience when first entering the world looking for a relationship. Like you said, that must've been incredibly confusing for you and affected your self-worth for a while. I think I get what you mean when you compare your current view of relationships to an arranged marriage. Maybe an open marriage would be the better term for what you're doing, unless I'm reading into it wrong? I still don't really understand the whole trophy part of it all when it comes to the male in the relationship, but I don't think it's necessarily due to any bad explanation on your part. It might just be that some things straight people think and do will always remain beyond me! I'm glad at the very least that in the example you gave last nothing happened despite your partner offering. It sounds to me that the fact you would even be unsure right now of how you'd have felt about it, it likely wouldn't have been a positive experience for you. I do understand that you feel the need to factor in how a rejection would reflect back on you and your partner however, so it's no doubt a lot more complicated than it may seem to an outsider like myself.

As for the grooming you've experienced, it's absolutely insane that it started with those kinds of lies... not to mention the fact that he held onto those secrets for two years. That said, I won't pretend to have total moral high ground, because I've had my own webs of lies in certain occasions that got out of hand as well. Luckily, only time it truly affected other people and never to the emotional degree that he initially manipulated you, so I'm happy to say that I have at least grown as a person on that front. I can definitely relate to the subtle control a person starts having over you with the examples you gave as well in my past abusive relationship. It truly creeps up on you like you said, and at some point you're not even fully aware that it's happening until an outside party hears you tell stories and starts questioning what is even going on there. I'm happy to hear that at least with time he showed some growth himself and that your relationship presumably became less toxic. It's not often that it happens that way around, but it's good that you can still acknowledge both the bad and the good of that time. No one should force you to feel anything in particular about it, because it's exclusively your lived experience to feel any way about. The fact that having that relationship did also keep you safe from all kinds of worse people out there that you might've otherwise had altercations with is also way better than if your life had turned into some kind of "evil begets evil" narrative. And for what it's worth, from everything you've been telling me, it sounds like you've only come out stronger on the other side.

I'm shocked to hear about the example of the teacher! I'm almost sure that wouldn't fly in either of the Western countries I've lived in. Especially Germany, which I know takes its education system very seriously and sees it equally of importance in raising children as simply educating them. You're right in that people underestimate the danger they could be in from people who seemingly are just positive influences on their lives. It's almost a cliché with media like true crime, where the narrative of it will begin in some manner like: "She was just a neighbour, but no one knew the dark secrets she harboured…" Because yes, you can just never know. I don't think that's a justification for paranoia or social anxiety obviously, but you do need to be aware of it if nothing else to keep yourself safe. I'll say I'm a fairly naive person. I have never really grown out of my childlike naivete, so I will at almost all times assume the best in every person. It hasn't always worked out for me. Sometimes in much, much worse ways than others (the former being as recent as a few months ago), but I refuse to let it break my spirit and start seeing humanity as a whole as something I should fear. I need to be aware of the risks that are always out there, but for my own sake, I need to keep believing that people who I meet are ultimately good until proven otherwise. I'm impressed to hear you're affiliated with that organisation which seeks out the people we should all be aware of! That's good work you and them are doing, and I applaud you for it. Helps keep the naive people like myself safer! I've done some "vigilante" work in my time (to make it sound cooler), and I always think back very positively to the impact I had in exposing certain people who otherwise might have had a real negative impact on people.

And no offense taken in terms of your tag where you call me ancient! I'll just retreat into my tomb once again after this post. You can wake me up in a few hundred years when archaeologist want to inspect my sarcophagus. In all seriousness, I've simply had to grow up quick and I've been around older folks on the internet for as long as I can remember. I actually only just turned 25 recently, but I do feel like I've had plenty enough life experience in my time that I have value to add to these types of conversations.

P.S. Love the new profile picture!

***

@Ravix I totally agree with what you said around the increasing culture of music somehow being woke. I feel like pop music has almost never been more devoid of any meaning to society at large. If I think of major songs that truly tackled society in a way where people are asked to question oneself, I'm not really coming up with any examples that were in the last decade, but can come up with multiple that originate from the 80s for example. Maybe something like "Born This Way" from Lady Gaga could be considered a touchstone moment for the queer community in particular in terms of songs that really took off, but even that was already in a landscape where in the West it was becoming more accepted. I would also say that to criticise any type of media for being "political" is to have no media literacy. I think most good art is inherently political, because practically almost everything is in some way political if it is also meaningful. And good art for the most part strives to be meaningful, or you'd get the alternative social media brainrot. It's especially funny when people will, for example, criticise a franchise like Star Wars for getting political, when the whole basis of their narrative from the start of the first film is politics. Just because it's set in a fancy space setting does not mean the messages don't translate to real life, because it's where we all take inspiration from and where the political beliefs come into play in a less theoretical fashion. That last part is pretty much what you said, except in a more long-winded fashion! Not sure if I've worded that all completely right to my satisfaction, but it's almost 2AM and I need to go to bed!

I'm glad to hear that you had a similar experience to my dad where you realised the hurt you might be causing someone and changed your ways because of it. That kind of stuff is undeniably nurture instead of nature, but it can still be hard to kick for some. I got lucky with my dad being able to change on a dime, and the people around you I'm sure were lucky to have you be the same. It's only a shame that not everyone can have those experiences where they realise the "nurture" part of their upbringing is not necessarily what they need to hold onto for life, and they're free to question their surroundings and bring an empathethic view to other people. That might just be the naive part in my talking like I mentioned in my response to GVG however! The world is a lot less rainbows and leprechauns with golden pots that I sometimes hope it is. That's why the feel-good stories like you just provided help! And don't worry, I still drank an energy drink about an hour ago to keep me awake enough to type these responses in any discernible way! I was ready and energised to read through that block of text, haha. I'll put on the songs you've recommended tomorrow while on the way to work! I'll let you know my thoughts.

Though I will say, and not to disappoint you, my open-minded way of looking at the world in general might have given you a wrong view of what my music taste is like. I'm generally fairly diverse with all my media, but music… is my least diverse of the bunch. To answer your question without going on about it forever, no, I don't generally explore much within the older world of music and mostly stick to new releases. Sometimes I'll hear an older song that goes into my rotation of course, like Kate Bush's "Babooshka" most recently, but it's a rarer occurrence. It's not that I have anything against exploring more, but I have hardly enough time to keep up with the new as is! I think I have my plate full with all the films, TV shows and games I tell myself I'll watch or play before I die that to add music to that is going to give me an aneurysm. But my preferred genre of music is... the dreaded pop music. And even then, it's 90% pop girls. Think your Kelly Clarksons, Lady Gagas, Rihannas, Demi Lovatos or Keshas. It's simply what I grew up with as I came into my teens, so I was predisposed to this being what I listen to nowadays. I do pride myself on having put in more effort to deviate from the mainstream in recent years though, but I remain within the range of those types of artists and the music they put out. It's just smaller artists with similar sounds. I'm sure when it comes to music, you have an endlessly more diverse taste than myself! If you have any recommendations within that space, new or old, that you'd like to name, do let me know! I am always open to venturing out and discovering new music in my work-mandated two-hour weekly travel. Even if it's something that doesn't necessarily fit that mold, but you think I might enjoy for whatever reason! I do surprise myself sometimes with the stuff I hear and end up liking (like Rammstein's "Sonne"), so maybe there's hope for my music taste to not be incredibly, stereotypically gay yet.

Expand

@Tjuz You sound so much older and I understand what you meant having to grow up too fast, it makes a lot of sense. I'm somewhere between trying to grow up for myself (I'm younger than most people here think, of that I'm certain) I've just had a lot of opportunities layered one on top of the other that might take most people a while to get into or through, but a lot of that is special access. It's kind of hard to forge my own way when someone else already has the keys and wants to hand them over, I've bounced between so many different industries in such little time. I'm not sure where to go next. Obviously I like gaming but now that's also taboo because I can't convince my parents that offline means offline, but I don't want to sit around all day bored either. One of the last things my Ex tried to do before someone else severed that relationship was to make me quit gaming entirely. He absolutely hated it. Near the end he would leave my friends stranded in a dungeon by unplugging my controller and saying it was passed my bedtime. I only mained a Healer and they'd be stuck trying to find another because people didn't like playing support. For all the not liking gaming he sure knew how it worked. I can call him an Idiot because he's gone now. My current Partner is kind of 50/50 with it because he has his own businesses to run so he's gone a lot. I just know not to push it, and besides it's probably not healthy to spend hours gaming. Also I think the greed I'm seeing in the industry is making it easier to just focus on small bite sized Indies. They seem to build from the heart.

I think also that my other tastes might be rather old fashioned so maybe that confuses people, one of my 'are you going to bed yet? friends (who again just messaged because insomnia came knocking) compare it to the Amish except instead of Pennsylvaniya Dutch we speak Prada. It's not the worst comparison. At the same time the gender enforcement I mentioned to Vermines means my family and families like them don't want their daughters to grow up, maybe not ever. It's a strange contradiction of having to be in a very adult world but ultimately being treated as a child. It seems to be part endearment and part something else, or rather you have to switch between the two depending on where you are and who you are with. There's someone on here who creates art and they said it was them as a child, it's like that except it's projected from someone else onto you. I have for example over one hundred and sixty stuffed animals and very few I bought for myself, you would think God would run out of makes of animals by now. They just keep coming.

I think I get what you mean when you compare your current view of relationships to an arranged marriage. Maybe an open marriage would be the better term for what you're doing, unless I'm reading into it wrong? I still don't really understand the whole trophy part of it all when it comes to the male in the relationship, but I don't think it's necessarily due to any bad explanation on your part.

• I actually don't believe in marriage, it's a really strange concept or perhaps I haven't met someone who I saw myself spending my who life with. A whole life is a long time. We don't even have an open relationship per-say, I'm not even sure what it is. I think He's just the type who likes having more than one girl and it's bonus for him that I like girls too. That arrangement two weeks ago is common, it's just something He seems to do and I know better that to question Him about it. Which sounds bad I know but again legal age means consenting adults. My Ex was different, he once broke someones arm for putting their hand on my leg. It's like when children won't share their toys except they are grown men. I don't pretend to understand them, it's not like they understand me either. I know He doesn't like men. I've never been with a man who does, but it would be interesting.

I have trouble visualizing it, I haven't seen guys together before except that one Morrissey concert where two of them kissed and the person who came with me (the not alone thing) said I was 'gone'. I must have been staring but they didn't seem to mind. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it, my best comparison would be the first time you hear a very moving piece of music. Just instead of Lacrimosa from Mozart's Requiem it's visual. You feel a kind monumental almost epochal moment in your view of the world, you see two people together and you don't understand how. Your mind sort of detaches from your other senses but your sight sees that happiness between those two people. Then you remember the judgement and guilt of the piece, and just like Lacrimosa you leave behind that powerful moment and fade back into quietude. I never forgot that moment. I believe music holds memory.

I'm shocked to hear about the example of the teacher! I'm almost sure that wouldn't fly in either of the Western countries I've lived in. Especially Germany, which I know takes its education system very seriously and sees it equally of importance in raising children as simply educating them.

• The Teacher was American, the Sailing Instructor was American, the lawyer was Australian, the Mechanic was Canadian, the Drunk was American, the other Teacher was English, the Evil hurtcore woman was English and her daughter too (who pretended to be my friend for a year) that woman sent me a video of a rabbit being kicked to death. That stayed with me for a very long time, and of course my Groomer was Russian (and knew my step-Papa, hence offline too) it's people all over the world. I was talking to the Sailing Instructor when he got caught. He was telling me the Principal was going through his office, that was a really strange day. After that I never heard from him again. It's awful but you get feelings for these people when you are in that situation and don't realize that what they are doing. It felt like mourning a friend when he never returned to that room. I even remember what music I was listening to when it happened, but I don't remember how they convinced me that what he'd been doing was okay. I have a kind of theory. If you've seen hunters (I only shoot cardboard) they get a taste for that first blood and then spend years perfecting their craft, it becomes a sport which they normalize. They become the ultimate predator and the bunny becomes the prey. I think it's something similar to that, it releases similar chemicals in the brain and gives them a rush which they continue to chase. I don't think they ever stop until they are caught.

The same goes for so many of the others, obviously I knew hurting animals was wrong and I still love animals dearly. I don't think people are born bad either, I think something bad happens to them and they emulate what they see. They were selective in what they showed me so I'm grateful for that. Time-zones probably figured into it too. They'd just talk among themselves and I'd sit there listening to music, sometimes they'd leave and go to other rooms and I saw a dozen with different themes but never spent any kind of significant time in there. I think also my language skills weren't good enough to follow a lot of that text-based chatter, it went fast some days and slow on others. There was even a woman who worked at Disney World which now to me sounds awful, at the time I looked up to her because she knew so much about the characters and we could actually talk Disney. Memory is a strange thing, when I zero in so many more names, days and events come flooding back. She was with the Lawyer/His, maybe he warped her or maybe she was just that way when they met. She was kind to me but obviously now for all the wrong reasons.

P.S. Love the new profile picture!

• Thank you, I waited almost exactly a year to do that. I don't actually watch Anime but my original avatar was from one of the few that I liked.

Angel Beats! is set in the environment of a high school in the afterlife, a type of limbo for people who have experienced trauma or hardships in life and must overcome them before passing on and being reincarnated. description from Google.

I liked it for the sountrack and learned to play some of it's piano pieces. Unfortunately it was complicated with the person who introduced Anime to me. His Mum thought he was gay because he had posters on his walls and little model dolls (which I liked) but he certainly wasn't gay. I simply told her 'he's not gay we did things upstairs' then she got off his back. We actually didn't he was too close to my own age. I never saw him again, his Mum went from 'gay is wrong' to 'loose girls are wrong', I think she just wanted something to hate. Little did she know I only only had eyes for his Dad, which is kind of funny now. I tend to just not post pictures anymore because I don't have social media anymore, near the end I noticed (my parents too) that lifestyle pages were stealing my images which then led to fake pages used to snare people. Vulnerable people looking for companionship, I'd trace them back to West Africa and Singapore but Western social media are useless at fixing that problem. It really annoyed me that someone out there was having their time, resources and heart stolen by some parasite who used my face. The last one I found had mine mixed into the same page but there were two other stolen sets of images too and somehow people actually believed three people were one. Maybe it's the extreme end of para-social media. They purge the fixation by becoming what they covet, it's disturbing. This will sound awful but it's worse having images of you as adult in circulation than it is of you as a child, the past already did it's damage, now people put words in your mouth when others already do that in your actual life. So you can see why I was so reluctant, it becomes a kind of fatigue. It's just gone Four I better run. I'll spell-check in the lunch time.

Expand

@Tjuz I went through everything again and now I see where it's getting confusing, I need to go into more detail because a large part of what I said requires a little more knowledge in something that is second nature to me, but misunderstood by many. It should clear up a lot of what I said and I'm going to keep it as tame and as educational as possible. I'm not sure how much I'll say so I'm using a fresh reply, it should also be easier to follow.

I'm going to start with four scary letters BDSM, it's not that but it's everyone's first reference point. Maybe they see it in a movie, a book, on a site or perhaps even in a game. What they are seeing is presented in a fictional context, I don't want to call it entertainment because that would be unfair. For many people the activity is something that's reserved for the weekend so to speak, they can take it or leave it and still function in normal society. For some it is a daily thing but everyone I know who's done that eventually found that the rush of dopamine started to lessen over time. For others they simply don't have the time and physical energy to frequently expend on another person.

It is however the first contact point for a person when they enter that community/scene or venue. People gravitate to it for different reasons, for many it's curiosity. For others they already have a clear idea of what they want, that doesn't mean the source material provided a realistic portrayal of what was attainable. I'll give an example. When I was with my Ex we'd frequent a club, I knew everyone there and he'd introduce me to new people because I had a natural talent of putting people at ease. Protocol means he introduced himself first, then I had the name of the person. Let's say for humors sake it was Tjuz (I had to) so I'd say 'pleased to meet you Mr Tjuz' and his response was (sharply) 'it's not Mr Tjuz it's Master Tjuz' that one word sent out a redflag that was picked up by anyone in earshot. I'm sure I made some kind of sound, it was so shocking to hear someone break the rules so blatantly. My Ex's reply was 'It's Mr to you and Sir to me' and that was it, he marched off with me in tow and everyone knew to be careful of that guy.

Firstly it wasn't his place to correct me, it was the Person standing beside me, secondly that word 'Master' is not a word you'd demand especially if the person you are saying it to is for want of a better word Owned. You mentioned marriage, I believe in collars not rings, both can sparkle. I did everything correct, I didn't even make eye contact until told to, I knew the protocol and he didn't. It's a major taboo and a sign that he wasn't experienced but presented as if he was. Had I also been new and gone home with someone like that, well anything could have happened. It's a community that much like what I've learned about the gay community, looks out for it's members. Like I said I knew everyone there, they knew I didn't cause a problem so even if they didn't hear the conversation they understood the message. You learn to read body language and mannerisms because you need to. This goes for both roles, it's a kind of unspoken language that ensures safety, just the right look can be enough to have someone swoop in and get you out of there.

That person gained their understanding of people like us from somewhere else, possibly pornography. Which in and of itself isn't material to be frowned upon, sexual repression isn't healthy. It only becomes a problem when someone takes that fiction and tries to make it a reality without knowing what they are doing. A lot can go wrong, it could be something simple like a rope pinching or compressing a nerve, restricted breathing and so on. That's why his response was a redflag. S/m is also misunderstood at times, both are primarily there for the giving and receiving of pain. A Sadist has no way to feel that dopamine rush unless they carry out an act that inflicts some kind of physical, emotional or mental pain. And well a masochist wants to receive that pain. And it's not that either, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain but again it can dissolve into theatrics and be more about the show than the people involved. I say can, but not always, I'm going by my general experiences (I started at sixteen years old, perfectly legal where I was) the people I know, have interacted/played with, and then giving a brief (careful) overview. It might be educational, I've seen all kinds of people search for something different and more power to them.

It's actually D/s, Dominant/submissive which encompasses elements of what I already mentioned but isn't for the weekend. It's a 24/7 commitment to a set of rules, protocols, standards, ethics and ideals that are required to form the full picture. I'm not sure how much you know about ballet (I'm trying not to stereotype but you like Barbie too so) it requires so much stamina, control and absolute precision. If you falter you can get injured, and that's the physical side. It's also about the commitment of both (or more) people involved. My commitment would obviously be to my Partner, it's mind and body. Completely and totally, where the only compromises are the ones clearly stated. If there is that grey like I mentioned then their role supersedes my doubt. The reason is that I trust more in them knowing what's right at that moment than I do in my ability decide if I want to proceed. Which can be dangerous if not managed correctly, total power exchange can be dangerous too.

Above all it's trust, I have to trust Him with almost every aspect of my life (obviously there are limits imposed by people above Him) but it's his job to know how to properly guide me through that day, week and so on. My job is to make sure that his needs are also met like what I mentioned about that restaurant two weeks ago but then I realized there are two kinds of restaurants and if you didn't know about the other kind it might seem more perilous. London like most cities has seen an increase in higher rent, especially for goods and services. Some (many now) establishments have shifted to members only. That simply means they are still a restaurant/etc but in order to keep profits up they decided to go strictly private, they can charge more and people pay a lot for discretion. I never name names but you can probably guess what that means.

It's the kind of discretion where maybe you drop something that falls under the table, you then spend who knows how long down there trying to find it. Perhaps the other diners didn't even notice you pop out of existence until you respawn, or perhaps they weren't even looking. The staff know you didn't despawn, they don't interfere and your evening continues. My Partner took location and privacy into account first, like most things it wasn't the first time. It may be seen as a precarious action in the 'real' world but I never claimed to even understand most of that normal.

I have to be able to trust Him and he has to be able to trust in my ability to not question Him. Even if sometimes I might not agree with something like for example what to wear that evening, what to eat, a particular bedtime (a stickler as they say) and maybe I was just about to finish something in a game and need to wire it up so my factory keeps running. If he said stop what you are doing and attend to my needs, then it's done without throwing a tantrum. He then provides something that works in tangent with other aspects of the day, like for example food. Someone else might prepare it but maybe I'm not hungry. I understand that there are people who can't even afford to eat but I have a somewhat complex relationship with food. The person who prepared it won't tell me to go eat, but my Partner will. He won't force feed me but he'll nudge me along just enough that I do. Or ensure I only drink one coffer per day and then cut me off.

It's coming from that place of care. I didn't have that while I was away and I hardly ate, nor slept. He knew when he saw me yesterday that I hadn't and didn't need anyone to tell Him so it was off to dinner, and then I did eat. Sleep is different, you can't force it onto someone, it either happens or doesn't. It all goes back to what I said about there being two reflections. My actions and how I present myself reflect directly on his ability to keep me on the right track, and few people can do that. He doesn't need to threaten etc, my automatic response to wanting to make Him happy and proud results in that action being carried out. If I can't look at myself after what I did, then it's time to adjust, adapt or overcome until I can.

It's a mindset most people won't get unless they are wired that way. I want to be clear that being submissive doesn't mean you are weak, it's quite the opposite. It means you can call upon your inner strength and believe that the Person you are with can literally catch you when you fall. It's a different kind of protection than a man with no neck can't provide, I trust that they can do the job they are paid to do but that's as far as it goes and frankly I'm a better shot. I think there's too much theatrics involved what people normally see which causes them to miss the finer points, which probably scares them off trying for themselves. And if they do go in expecting theatrics they realize it might not be for them.

My girlfriend is somewhere in-between. I'm sure there is a gender that involves the person choosing if they feel more feminine or masculine depending on their mood (which sounds utterly fascinating, it's like being able to experience two worlds almost at once? at least it sounds like it) (I don't recall the name, I'm still trying to understand Intersex and the fact David Bowie also liked boys, also that Queen was gay) it's like that instead the switch that takes place is between Dominant and Submissive. It depends on her mood, and as long as he gives that okay then the former is acceptable (with me, not Him, sorry that was a funny visual) mood might not even be the right word, it's a feeling I've never experienced because I'm entirely focused on the latter, I don't have a word for something I've never felt. It needs to come from the right place. People aren't punching bags and it's not about taking a bad day out on someone. You don't just go over someones knee because they feel like getting some aggression out, although she has her moments. It's about meeting your needs while in that particular headspace. We share more of less the same age too, which makes it easier for her to switch back and forth. It's like in Forrest Gump with her, you never know which chocolate you're going to get. But again as I said about body language and mannerisms, I can usually tell.

It's straightforward for me to explain the finer details because I see nothing wrong with any of it. I understand that to some even mentioning the word sex is taboo but so is the word 'gay' in my world. I've had someone pick and choose what's taboo and what's not, I view it as expression. A kind of ultimate expression or being together that I simply can't feel any other way.

Expand

@GirlVersusGame Ah, thank you for that latest response. That definitely cleared up a lot of what I was a bit more iffy on before. I understand you didn't directly talk about it in the first place, because I imagine it can be a rather intense subject for some. I appreciate the clarification though! It's helped me understand the dynamic between you and your partner better than I did before.

When you say you have special access to certain opportunities, is that then through something like nepotism or are you speaking of something else? I'm not sure what exactly could help you get into fields in quick succession otherwise, but I'm sure there's plenty of other ways that I am not personally aware of. If I was, I'm sure I'd have a better job than I do now too! It's a shame that the people in your life look at gaming so negatively. Of course everything can be a bad thing if too time-consuming, but if you're a reasonably well-adjusted person, you can know yourself how to moderate it! You seem to be passionate enough about it, or else you wouldn't have joined a forum like this. Despite all the taboo and views on gaming, would a career within the gaming sphere be something you'd enjoy, you think?

For what you said about parents not wanting a daughter to grow up, I might have a harsh observation I'd like to ask you whether it might be true or not. In terms of the BDSM, which includes a sense of control, would you say it's at all similar to being under the watchful eye of a parent who doesn't necessarily want you to become your own person? And if so, do you feel like being treated like that by your parents might in some way psychologically make you more open to a relationship like that? That might be heavy talk and I might be completely wrong in assuming there could be a connection, but I'm curious to ask your thoughts on that nonetheless.

I'm glad you were able to witness that beautiful moment of those two men kissing. The kind of realisation that it sparked in you is exactly why I get pissed off when someone's argument against homosexuality is the age-old: ''I don't have a problem with it. Just don't do it where I can see it.'' I've never asked any heterosexual couple to hold in their intense feelings for each other in front of me before, and I don't understand why you would ask that of someone whose love you might not understand either. Not like we all need to forcibly start kissing each other on the street, but in those moments where romantic stuff like that can come from the heart, it's important for people to see that that's all it is! Two people in love who want to share themselves with each other. It's a beautiful thing and nothing to be hidden behind a living room curtain. I'm glad that's the way you experienced it, even if you were not previously exposed to it.

I'm not very familiar with anime, so I can't say I recognised your previous avatar from Angel Beats. It had served you well for all that time though. It was a very cute picture! I'm sorry to hear about that guy who enjoyed anime. I think for many older people it seems to them like a very feminine interest. Probably simply because the art styles can be so colourful and/or oddly sexualised, but luckily we both know better that anime doesn't say anything about a person. Well, other than they're most likely nerdy in some way, haha! It sucks that your pictures were used before in such a harmful way. I understand your reluctance to use it here then, but I'd imagine the PushSquare forum is probably the last place any aspiring scammer will look for pictures to fool people with. Let's hope it's staying within this ecosystem this time around!

I really appreciate your detailed description of what your relationship is like and the scene you've become a part of. Obviously I was aware of the big word as you said, but I never really educated myself on what that can mean on a relationship basis rather than a purely... carnal basis, let's say. I'm actually pretty sure you just helped me to understand one of my friend's relationships more than she ever did, which I've now become almost certain is within that same structure. I'm glad we're able to educate each other on stuff, it's the joys of life! And I'll be able to shedthat preconceived notion of what it is now and understand there can be a lot more at play. I'd say more about it, but since this isn't my topic of expertise, I've simply appreciated reading about it and have nothing of value to add. It's fascinating to me, much like what you've said of stuff I've told!

And as for the gender where you can feel more masculine or feminine depending on the day, that'd mostly fall under non-binary. Which, as I think the name already gives away, is people who don't feel like they fit either the mold of masculinity or femininity and simply will be as they are. Basically results in exactly what you described. Not having to subscribe to any particular gender ideology, because you feel like you fall to the side of each. And for the record, I don't see anything that you said as wrong or taboo either, much like you offer me the same grace and understanding! If I wanted to be a prude, I was born into the wrong sexuality, haha.

Expand

@Tjuz When you say you have special access to certain opportunities, is that then through something like nepotism or are you speaking of something else?

• Well to explain that I need to go deeper, because now I see that can be confusing. I'll give a brief rundown of the Russia people don't see and then it might provide a kind of clarity as to how you can be cut-off from everyone and everything else. It's part by design like I previously said but it's also down to being a product of your environment and a consequence of system that those who came before you constructed. I'll just make it clear that just because I'm part of the system I don't agree with it and many parts are hard to explain without someone thinking it sounds like boasting. I think it was designed that way to reinforce the kind of divide that does separate both worlds. I good example is Mumbai India. The higher-up the more you see, they can't hide the slums. That was one of the ways I learned about poverty. I saw that window as a kind of lens, it's something you aren't meant to see but I did and then I had questions which became a better understanding of that wealth divide. The same for São Paulo and it's Brazilionares, they are surrounded by actual poverty, but find a way to block it out. Those people had nothing and I had everything, it made no sense how God could allow that to happen, then I realized that God didn't control this planet, money did and still does. Poverty in Russia was easier to hide because you aren't slowly driving by, you are racing through at such speed that what you are seeing through that glass is just a blur. Google Migalki cars and you'll have a visual reference point.

I see Nepotism the same way as someone might see what happened to me two weeks ago as a courtesy. I'm saying I'm a commodity in a way because I represent my family and their business interests in London. For the most part it's mundane and no different than that of a socialite. It's not about talking, it's about listening and then maybe that's the end of the interaction. I do believe in equality, I'm not sexist, the rules I follow are just very different and I don't necessarily think it's a template for a normal life.

You mentioned open marriage and I said I believed in collars, and like rings they sparkle. There's a subtle reference in that new profile picture, and you probably missed it because you didn't know what to look for. It's a small key and on the top is a ring of diamonds, to the casual observer it's just jewelry. In essence it's a symbol, a reinforcement and to others (I mentioned courtesy) it's a kind of indicator that they have to go through an Intermediary/my Partner if they want to make an approach. Their reason for that approach may differ but that rule remains. Nor am I told what the reason was, it's because it just is, no more.

We're a very tight-knit community too, like I said we watch out for each other but in very different ways and Nepotism is that other kind of key. Mine is just more obvious because of that gender enforcement and I'm no soldier. I think there are so many wild and nefarious ideas about the Elites because it gets the Hollywood treatment then when the facts do emerge conspiracy theorists scramble to form connections and parallels. Somewhere in the middle there is a kind of truth but it's so ingrained in you as a person that you don't even see it. To an outsider or TikTok'er they'd say 'oh my God that girl is being trafficked' and yes it does happen to some obviously. Perhaps we do it to ourselves. At the same time I understand the meaning of futility.

I think there's a point in wealth where you don't even see it anymore, it's there because it's there just like the sun is there each day to provide light, warmth and life. I don't think about money because I don't like to think about the divide it creates, that's why I like waiting for PSN sales, it levels the playing field in my mind and allows me to be more like other people. I've seen how people here and in other places talk about wealthy Elites, they hate us and I understand that. Overnight the word Oligarch became a target on my back, they blamed us for starting a war without actually understanding that we have our own divides too. Some Russians in London are there because they were exiled by the State, if they return they'll have an accident. My actual Father had an accident, they said it was self inflicted. I don't know and I'll never know. My step-Papa is a very different kind of man. He's from a different kind of life with it's own Authority, customs, rules, protocols and reactions to an action. My Father was more diplomatic and tried to teach me values and instill something else. I learned chess from him and my love of reading. He sent me to the UK because he knew what would happen if I stayed in Moscow and forgot certain values. I saw it as a punishment but like everything you don't always gain perspective until time passes. The picture has to come into view for that kind of availability in clarity.

Others came here like me for schooling because it's too dangerous to do it back home. School is a routine, it means someone knows your movements on a daily basis and children become a target of rivals and others who can't get to the parent so they'll go through the child to get there. Have you ever seen a movie called Man on Fire? apply Mexico to Moscow and you might understand. Yes the English school system is very good (from the brief time I spent there) but for most it's safety. I learned to shoot so I could shoot back, not so I could go to the countryside and engage in some jolly clay pigeon shooting.

London is actually quite safe, unless some idiot tries to snatch your phone without realizing someone is subtly following behind. Then they rethink their life in crime because they performed an action that had it's own reaction and a Russian reaction is not always the same. It's still a divide, someone might not see it but you are still not alone. In Moscow it's obvious because it needs to be, especially during war time. We also have different laws, in Europe you have the law of the land. In Russia we have a different kind of law, then the law of the land comes secondary. Which is why even under sanctions things flow the way they do, the system was already there. Invisible but highly efficient. It can't be dismantled and to sanction one nation doesn't work because we're rooted in every other nation too. Sanctions were done to try to force ordinary people to rise up and form a Coup, it's those normal people who suffer not the people on those lists. Obviously there was no Coup.

If you went there as a tourist (even before the war, I still see tourists) you might see blacked out cars with police lights and assume it's the police, it's not. It's the kind of security that's afforded to you when you blend Nepotism with what I call life. Russia is a very different country and Moscow is a very different city. Nepotism didn't happen over-night, it was a blend of the State/Nomenklatura (Communist Elite) and 'only the strongest survive'. somewhere in the middle Oligarchy entered and the lines blurred. They became a symbol of a New Russia, Moscow became a monopoly board. Then London, Germany, Spain, America and so on. Now it's the UAE. There is absolutely nothing out of bounds and I mean that. We learn your languages (I speak seven and I'm learning an eighth) study your economics, learn your ways and adapt. I adapt in my own way too, I learn because I do want to understand where I am, I do want to know the customs, eat their foods and even hold conversation. That's why I find it hard to be near racism, I want to know the culture even their faith, then make up my mind.

I'm strong in my own ways, but the people beside me are stronger, their approach is heavy handed and mine is to just listen and watch. To most Russians they saw the system as the rising of a kind of Nouveau Riche with all of the visible trappings, the West didn't see that until much later. They saw it with sanctions, most of those vessels 'magically' appeared back in Russian waters because it was never about a dollar amount. It's about a message. My family pre-date that system and my values don't align with spending each night coked out of your mind. I was decades behind because every tutor or lesson I had was based on that much older Communist system. We all exist in the same eco-system but we all have our different methods and goals. My goal is to try to by happy, maybe that's selfish.

It's not about land, people think it is because they are seeing soldiers, not generals. I don't call myself an Oligarch, some do but I call that guilt by association. I've never been sanctioned nor have I had my passport taken, nor am I a Mafiya but again there's guilt by association because my family is so mixed. When you live that way you have to keep moving between those worlds, those people, those rules and those protocols all the while trying not to lose whatever identity you do still cling into. For example I see 'gamer' as an identity and something I did for myself. When I draw I can call myself an Artist, hobbies allow me to form and maintain those little aspects of personality. I do find it easier to just let someone else guide me, which blends into how I understand and engage in relationships. It provides a kind of safety and piece of mind that a room full of firearms can't. I've 'worked' in the film industry but that open door was as you said a product of Nepotism and once I did reach the 'top' I saw sexism, favors, greed, and using people as commodities. That's no different than where I'd been so I quit. They ruined a hobby for me. That's why my DVD collection cut off at a certain point, I stopped watching movies. The same for the music industry. I've tried to make something for myself and can't because it's not what you know it's who you know.

I do attend parties like last night but I'd rather be at home trying to unlock the Christmas tree in Satisfactory. I was offered something in the Russian games industry but it would mean moving home and I think it was only dangled in-front of me to make me give up my life here. That part bothers me. Gaming wasn't always taboo and now it is because they understand that it has a sub-level of connectivity and community. Community means free speech and free thinking. Also maybe you meet a boy in chat that you really like and then a problem arises, or even a girl. Or of course a Groomer, but they were easier to understand which is awful to say. My Partner knows I game and doesn't give me a hard time about it as long as I limit my time and severe interactions with my friends. I once had seven hundred friends on the PSN, the little box in the corner that tells you when a friend logs into the game (beside zone chat) was zooming past. Then the invasion happened, I was starting to get disconnected from all of my sites, games and accounts. At first it was like losing a limb until I received a message on my remaining PSN account. I realized who my real friends were. The person who said 'you are a living being', was someone I met on the DeepWeb. They had more ethics and care than any of my so called normal friends.

That's the price they put on my friendship and overtime I realized that's all I'd been to my online friends. That was said that over the PSN. I didn't flaunt what I had but they knew and they faked friendship to try and get favors and in-game items. I was doing it because I saw it as kindness. They also knew I was involved in charity work and tried that route to touch my heart. They said Chicago specifically because they'd seen something in the media and knew I was involved. I didn't know that part because I don't watch the news media and at the time I was trying to help a charity there. My Family name must have come up and he caught it, then tried to as they say to pull on the heartstrings. Once again it was the DeepWeb who showed actual care.

I'm using visual representation because people judge books by their covers and I hold onto some logs (even-though I shouldn't) as a reminder. I can't game when I'm home, especially now where there's such a tightening of the reigns and a kind of 'I told you so' mentality to the rhetoric. Or for example 'online friends aren't real, they'll use you', they did. I take 'if Europe wants a war we'll give it to them' very seriously, it kept me awake at night for a reason. I'm told enough to stabilize a kind of mental goal based/victory mindset, but my heart says I'm being lied to. For example yesterday I was told we captured another city, which I was expected to feel good about. My smile was automatic and it wasn't even mine, it was automatic because it had to be.

I understand Nepotism because it's something I've always had to engage with on what is probably a day to day basis and it's so ingrained that I probably don't even notice it anymore. Like a lot of things I don't see the difference unless I'm given a lens to compare the two and that's kind of what I use this site for. I'll give an example. A couple of nights ago someone mentioned Doritos and Mountain Dew in relation to the Game Awards, that was the end of the conversation because my reference point was gone. I've never had either. It's not because 'big bad Western snacks are bad!', I was never allowed junk-food and I'd have no tolerance for it. I tried Coke a' Cola for the first time maybe two years ago and it was like drinking cough medicine. I tried grocery shopping for the first time last year and had to leave because it was too overwhelming. I don't know how people do it. I live by what's known as a concierge service, companies like that handle everything and I mean everything. I tried baking and almost burnt the kitchen down. I wanted to try fast-food as a child, couldn't finish and had to carry it around all day until I could finish it, now I never want to try it again. It's hard to envision but if someone else chooses your meals then you don't actually have that option to experiment, maybe they do it because 'this is healthy' 'this is not' after a time you stop wanting to even try new things.

It's the small trivial things that become roadblocks of a sort and of course the world is chaos at the moment, people point fingers and I cut the connection. I saw what people said here during the start of the Invasion, I didn't have an account but I still read peoples opinions. I understood their point of view to an extent, but the interior reinforcement was always louder. I was playing a game that had base building when the invasion happened, chat went crazy. I had to start dismantling flags and colours in my base because everything started changing to yellow and blue and they knew me by my nationality. Less than an hour later my game was switched off and I had to leave London. The term 'drop everything', it was that. I lost contact with everyone and never got to explain my side of things. Even if I could have I probably wouldn't have known what to say 'there's a Nazi running Ukraine' is there? I've seen no flags or symbols to say so. Then I was told to adopt that Z symbol that everyone saw, I still have to wear it depending on attendance. There are only so many times you can misplace something, it's small but to me weighs a tonne. It's like pinning every death that's occurred to your jacket.

Also I do support the site, but that's subtle too and I'll let people come to their own conclusions there. I'm not a believer in take-take-take without giving something back. I just give back in a less visible way and that's because I live in a less visible world.

For what you said about parents not wanting a daughter to grow up, I might have a harsh observation I'd like to ask you whether it might be true or not. In terms of the BDSM, which includes a sense of control, would you say it's at all similar to being under the watchful eye of a parent who doesn't necessarily want you to become your own person?

• Yes. It's to keep a person small, docile and controllable. You aren't assuming - you are being factual. It's less effort for them to keep tabs on me if I'm with someone who can already do that and report back. I'll never question him because if I do I'm in affect questioning my parents and by consent he could in theory raise his hand to me if I did become problematic. They use my natural preference as a commodity which is why I've never understood sexuality like you can. I see Men with a preference for girls, and then nothing else. That's why those two men kissing shocked me so much and why I stared. The song was 'there is a light that never goes out', it did when I went home because the person I was with told someone and 'that's the last time you go there'. I wanted to see Placebo live so many times and now they too are viewed as propaganda. Metal was never taboo because no one understands the lyrics and it's such a male Dominated genre that it enforces what you already think or were told. My access to the Metal industry was amazing but they never talked about gay rights, free press, nothing like that. I thought I was making inroads myself and then realized that so much of it had already been arranged.

My Ex was arranged too but he was too violent, not to me per-say but I saw how he conducted himself with others and quickly understood his capability. I understand the pack mentality too, but being rabid is still being rabid. He was too dangerous so the relationship was severed. I've seen a lot of bad things, that eye for an eye I mentioned is an extension of that. It desensitizes your mind to a lot of awful things, which is probably why the DeepWeb chatrooms were so easy to fit into. I've seen it all either by accident or because someone showed me. I think I lost the ability to see between that violence and it's worrying.

I don't engage in a dynamic out of some kind of self hate, I don't believe in self destruction. I think I've just been part of that particular one for so long that I don't see any other way of doing it. I started when I was sixteen years old and have never met anyone else who started that 24/7 dynamic so young. That Grooming incident went from age twelve to fifteen, so why did I start that dynamic at sixteen. I don't know, I think maybe I saw something and rather than let it cause trauma like Ravix calls it the experience was used as something else. I feel no trauma from it, but I should. Nothing is ever done just for a single reason when that individualism is non existent. It all feeds back into a kind of courtesy system, perhaps favoritism is the term. I know they don't want me to become my own person because they know I do rebel with so much reading and I buy books faster than anyone can screen what I'm reading about (but I'm still careful)

The term I was given was 'you are too smart for your own good'. I think wealth naturally dumbs some people down, you get distracted by pretty things. If someone holds up a doll and says 'look over here' you don't see the homeless person dead in snow because your attention was diverted. It's not that you didn't want to see that person. Then you wake up one day and you realize you became that doll. You are a man who plays with dolls, all the Men I know play with dolls in a different way. If you are surrounded by pretty things constantly and smothered in flowers you adopt that role. Which of course feeds back into someone not wanting you to grow up. It's also a distraction, like if you play with a kitten and hold up some ribbon. There's the reaction 'thank you ever so much Sir!' when really 'you could have just given me a copy of Dead Space', but I'd never say that.

Free speech can't exist if you are incapable of it yourself. Now this has become a blueprint for my Homeland. Difference has gone from taboo to extremism. Children don't understood what it means to be different. Women are being sexualized more than ever and men are literally going to war. I didn't even understand what it meant to be bi-sexual. I thought every girl liked both, and Men only liked women. I still struggle to see it any other way, when I do my head starts to hurt. Gay rights were 'it's wrong, end of story' and that was that. Another example 'Chechens are bad, they kill our people', then perhaps I source a book about that conflict and form my own opinion. That's why I've read two hundred and seven books about war, I even read about my own country because I want to see what if anything reflects on the truth as I know it. Then maybe it gets too personal and I have to stop.

I don't for example have outside lines and even if I did I don't know who I'd phone. Part of it is also what it means to be Russian in the UK at the moment, especially when there is that political connection. You represent the company so to speak, I'm not a politician, it's by association of State. I'm only privy to so much and certainly not enough to pose an kind of threat. Did you ever see me mention being questioned by the police while taking pictures for my Minecraft world? They asked other questions too and they were as confused as I was. They knew straight away that I'd been absolutely disconnected from so much. I had more questions for them than they had of me.

Like I said soldiers on one side, princesses on the other, it's part gender divide and part of how the system naturally governs itself. Not all families are like mine, it's an exception to the rule because we make the rules. My friend in Saint Petersburg was different, she was Americanized and her parents were very warm. We knew each other offline and even in online games. She fled to Europe after the invasion. I find it almost impossible to mix with the children of other Business People because they are so far gone. They didn't have strict upbringings instead they were given nightly parties and told to go wild, that's how you lose empathy. I don't like the way they talk, act, flaunt and while yes my ways can also be provocative to a point but it's not always by choice. It's part of a kind of expectancy of, dress, behavior, obedience and so on. You are told how to act, how to sit, not to stare, when to talk, when to listen, all of which can cross-over into the D/s dynamic. It's more than just social graces and etiquette.

For a very brief time I was with a group known as the RRK, you can Google that along with the word Instagram beside it (if it's not locked) It was part of a curated friend experience and they weren't friends, they were part of the problem or rather when they come of age they will be. They are allowed far more freedoms because they are only focused on shiny things, I do have and like some shiny things but I don't need the world to see. I prefer a shiny Platinum trophy because I know I earned it. Maybe I earned something last night too but I was operating on insomnia and don't even remember. I did finally sleep after, I'm told nine hours and thank God because I was starting to feel that odd cold shaking, that is the first sign things aren't good.

It should be hard to talk about these things, I should feel what Ravix called trauma but to me it's just Thursday and tomorrow is Friday. I can separate a lot of things but I can't feel what other people always feel when viewing a certain perspective or outcome. I can for example just go shopping or to a museum or maybe a walk but obviously never alone. I can count all of the parts of London I've seen in five years on maybe ten fingers. It's sort of like going out of bounds in a videogame, the developers enforce that rule because they don't want you to see behind the curtain. If you do the illusion falls and you could even fall through the map and die. That's sort of how it's explained to me, it's 'too dangerous' so you believe in your mind that it is and develop a kind of fear of those outside places that exist just off the map. The internet is similar, when I say Google it's not Google like yours. It's a kind of filtered browser so I use my own tools and tricks to get into deeper networks and have that little bit more freedom. Now that has become a kind of typical web experience back home, so much has been blocked on the civilian web. It's like when I went to North Korea, I had to do so much to even see Netflix, they'd probably jail a Westerner for the things I did but they see Russia as 'one of us', the children I talked to treated me like a movie star and it was so unsettling. They have no idea how the world works, none at all.

I'm not very familiar with anime, so I can't say I recognised your previous avatar from Angel Beats. It had served you well for all that time though. It was a very cute picture! I'm sorry to hear about that guy who enjoyed anime. I think for many older people it seems to them like a very feminine interest.

• I wasn't either, I've watched maybe three in total. Angel Beats, Rozen Maiden and Maloka Magicka. I met him through the PSN and we set-up an accidental meeting at a toy-shop. Then over time carefully tried to make plans to meet again. I didn't see his hobby as feminine, I saw it as sexual expression. Those models etc weren't very modest and I thought 'so this is how boys learn about sex cool'. His Mum saw something else and was perhaps racist, in hindsight I think maybe she could have been. All of his collection was Asian based and she called me a loose foreigner. I'd just put her mind at ease by telling her that her son wasn't gay because we kissed, then the gay hate went out the window and she replaced it with something else. I haven't talked to him since then but I do hope he got out of that house. I couldn't react when she tore into me and she had no idea who I even was, I never made it obvious.

Afterwards a kind of nanny? I don't know another word for that role. Imagine an older female who helps you with things like hair and make-up but can also fight her corner and swing a hairbrush with the best of them, she went absolutely postal. That's just the reaction I mentioned, anger, raised voices and threats. It's in politics too 'we have more nukes than you' it's a kind of mental illness where you learn to destroy a person before you learn to fix the problem of even wanting to destroy in the first place. It probably played into those first three dates too. Those men were scared, the first one had actual tears. I've seen it in friendships too. Profiles go offline, phone numbers get disconnected, people vanish. I count fourteen this year. Possibly fifteen. The last one was very explosive. It left me with a lot of mixed feelings. I understood that their situation, and that global economics meant so much hardship but they weren't looking for a conversation they were looking for a dart board.

The part they didn't understand was that you can't give away your possessions and live a humble life if you yourself are someone else's possession. That's also how I see generational wealth, you are born into it and then become part of that same portfolio, then when needed you are used to ensure it all stays in the family. Relationships too, you stick with your own because you are told over and over again that the outside world is dangerous, that strangers will hurt you.

They were right about my last friend, that person did. I never told anyone but I liked him more than just liking someone, I don't think I'm going to look for friends anymore. On the DeepWeb yes because I have a system in place there but the world is too chaotic now and the surface web is a reflection of that. It's seeped into every hobby I've ever had and now gaming has become so greedy, I don't want to support those companies. It's supporting the problem. People have a saying that the rich get richer and poor get poorer, that's Earth right now. The only way I can leave that behind is by delving into those game worlds and getting a little lost there rather than here. It's not perfect but it's more productive to spend all that time trying to learn to play a cooking simulator, or gardening simulator or even a fireman simulator than it is to wait at home all day for your Owner to return, like again a cat.

Those shiny things I mentioned, one I do take advantage of are animals, they never lose that sparkle and the world is full of so many makes of them. At home we raise wolves, big ones. There are bears too, those memes aren't just memes. That's the strange thing about meme culture, sometimes I'll ask a friend 'is that real?' and most of the time 'no it doesn't work like that in my country' but so many Russian memes are the reality. Which is why I stopped looking at those too, I can imagine what they look like now. I haven't seen live television since, maybe five years ago. It could even be longer. That kind of gradual control of media is what Russia is experiencing now. The only difference is that young people already knew what it tasted like before it happened. Mine was always very selective, you know Pokemon? I've never even seen it. I've seen Russian dubs of Sesame Street by a man who is probably drunk and didn't want to be there. The first time I saw Rocky the ending was edited, Ivan Drago hits Rocky, the crowd cheer and the credits run. That's propaganda, you can actually raise children on propaganda. Look at other countries who still envisage the Communist structure, I'm sure they are told the exact same thing. There's a movie called The Kingdom (sorry a lot of my references now come from movies) at the very end there are two sides. The patriot who is asked by a child why they were there 'they hate us' and then it cut to a 'terrorist' and another child asked why they were doing what they were doing 'because they hate us'. I see far too much done of hate and fear than I do out of love and learning.

Maybe I'm just some naive little girl like certain people want me to believe but I've read absolutely everything you've said and not once did I think 'this is propaganda, he's trying to make me even gay'er' I just thought you were a normal person who also knows how to live, love and learn. I do know if you passed by me in the street you'd form an opinion subconsciously. It's far easier to do that when there are so many people providing proof of a stereotype especially in a city like London. Social media has made wanting a certain lifestyle more important than anything else, they romanticize wealth and make children value things over people. With gaming there was always that equal footing, until as you see above my 'friends' showed their true colours. My trust in people took a dive as they say. Don't take this the wrong way but has a girl ever told you that you are easier to talk to because they know you don't want something else out of the interaction? I think you might be the first gay man I've ever had a discussion with and by that I mean (knowingly) It's really refreshing, it's other feelings too but all positive and I know you have a different preference so I'll just say you are handsome.

Tonight I'm told we will take Donbas, but last night was 'maybe more peace talks'. It was never this confusing, the rhetoric was there of course but obviously I wasn't seeing soldiers on the street and massive billboards of why we need to fight. I saw a different kind of soldier and of course we had our wars but it was among each other. Now innocent people are at the end of even bigger barrels. That's the part that makes no sense, I can deconstruct almost anything, view each side, then start to see how and why it came to being. War isn't nature, even if you were raised to believe that it is. I stopped playing war video-games years ago, it's easier to face the reality of some kind of monster with knives for limbs than it is to face the reality of towns and cities flattened by care packages.

Also I've never played Alan Wake but I'm told Poe's Haunted song features. Which is odd because it's one of the very first English songs I learned the lyrics of, then years later read the book House of Leaves which was written by her brother. The song was actually a love song to the book. My introduction to the song was Blair Witch 2, it plays on the credits. I even listened to the soundtrack on the way to school it was that long ago, it feels like yesterday. Maybe that's part of enforcing that kind of gender divide too? If you can never technically be seen as grown up you lose that track of time because those around you treat you no differently and do so much to make you remember that. I got flowers tonight too. I've stripped the EXIF data and replaced it with something else, also the focus is de-liberty shifted so the DoF only shows the flowers. They are bigger than me and that's normal. I wrote this throughout different parts of the day and sent it when W/we got back, thankfully an early night.

It's really hard to not look tired, insomnia is very strange because you feel tired and your body starts to react as if your legs decide to flounder. I didn't sleep the first night but said I did and then it backfired because we did go out the next night. I'd actually just lay there thinking and when He woke-up pretended to be asleep. Thank God I did sleep last night but I'm told it was for most of the day and now it feels like lunch-time but it's after midnight GMT. You see on social media people want the jet-set life, they can take the discombobulation that comes from dipping in out of different time-zones. I think I was in four different countries in six days last week. My internal clock is still trying to re-adjust and when I move it's like a ripple effect between what you are doing and the time it takes to finish that action. I've never knowingly taken drugs before but I imagine the feeling isn't too far off that. Summer is actually worse, you could be anywhere at any point of the week. Which is ironic because I've probably seen every country in the world but have never once been a tourist, I lived in NYC and never even saw the Statue of Liberty. It's like I said before you are 'there' but not because the separation is that wide. The world becomes a kind of set-dressing and the window a screen-saver that changes sporadically. I know people might think 'oh wow I'd like to have X amount of games, etc' take them and I'll take whatever it is you do, swaps like that only exist in movies.

You don't get to choose Family, you don't get to choose life, and you don't try to leave either when you know that every action has a reaction. There's no where I could go, I haven't touched physical money in maybe eight years, I wanted my pilot's license so I studied hard and read over fifty books on aviation, I know how aircraft operate, I understand all of the controls and even tried to date a pilot like I mentioned, but they keep putting it off so I stopped asking. When you are without you always have the option to work harder and make something for yourself. In this situation there are no options like that, you just accept the flowers and get on with your night. I don't want to sound ungrateful, sometimes it's just hard and people rarely ever take an interest like you did. It's a very new feeling one I don't have a word for yet.

Edit: I just saw that UAE thread again and I think I'm done ever posting on those news articles ever again. If I ever do just suddenly drop out of contact maybe you can reach me through Goodreads or something, Furious has me as a contact on there. I can also find other ways but I'm done with that side of the site and it's bedtime.