Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Tjuz Hahaha! I love that you got him back with the Russian. I actually mentioned to my Russian friend that you told me "matt" also means mother in Russian. She was very impressed, if slightly confused, by my knowledge of it, haha.

It can also mean something else, as in 'bleep your Mother', if you know what I mean? but when you said it first I thought of the former. There are many ways to swear in Russian and it's done with a kind of passion but I tend to stick with fudge, Tartar sauce, and clusterfluff. That's just because profanity is frowned upon, and you already know what the result would be if I did. People around me swear like sailors. I haven't used any in about ten years and that was singing to N.W.A. when I didn't know what any of it meant, I probably said more than fudge the police. I'd have to check the lyrics. I'm listening to MachineHead right now, he just said fudge and a whole wardrobe full others, funny timing.

As for GamerGate, frankly, you're better off not knowing. It was a total mess and a dark point in the gaming community. You can research about it at some point if you're interested, but it was simply incredibly toxic and sexist.

I think I understand. Sexism like that has always existed in Russian gaming communities, we have what you might call clear lines that wouldn't be normal in Western gaming communities but it's just an extension of how normalized sexism is as a whole (which you wouldn't like at all) I don't notice it, I've normalized it. If it's not a normal part of Western society then it doesn't belong in Western gaming. It's cultural for me, strict gender roles like I mentioned, and the same thought process sees it's way deep into gaming. This counts mainly for our own communities and since we don't exactly mix it stays in-house so it's probably not widely known? I suppose what you'd call misogyny I'd call normality, and doubly so in those gaming groups and communities. It's not a hatred, or even a toxicity either. Patriarchal perhaps, Controlling? most certainly.

For me the problem was Elitism, as in always having to be the best of the best and the top of the scoreboards, also the divide between 'we won't run with that group they are from X or Y or Z'. The divide wasn't always language and more often it was regional or global, and so I never really knew anyone from places like Germany, England etc. You might call it a cycle, one you get locked into by association and other cultural factors. On the plus side if for example I was playing Conan alone and some random clan came and smashed my home up I'd just have to ping my team and a lot of people would come online and turn that clan's home to rubble. That was one of the benefits to that Patriarchal system, as in 'you killed one of ours, we'll kill all of yours'. People always thought I was alone, I wasn't. The same for games like Rust, I'd be busy building while the guys were out. Some randomer would snipe me, an hour later their whole base and everything in it was gone and suddenly I gained yet even more materials to build with.

Similar to what I said about the nukes in Fallout76, that's why I ran two consoles. There were so many toxic groups on there, that second account was just for running Nukes. Then I'd distract the attackers with my main account, they wouldn't see the Nuke launch and they certainly didn't think I and that pinged player did it because 'I was hiding in my home'. A couple of minutes later they'd figure it out, they were in the wrong for trying to steal a base spot and harass a player. They'd send floods of messages to 'leave so we can load our main base', they'd built on the same spot and couldn't load their base unless they jumped instances. They were using broken weapons too, it took Bethesda years to remove them. I removed players like that with nukes, and without that Patriarchal system I wouldn't have had the back-up to do it.

Some of the people might have been a little bit more progressive (Latvian/Lithuanian and Ukrainian guys) but the majority of guys I ran with weren't. I don't mean verbal abuse, more like 'you are support, we'll kill this thing' if that makes sense. I've never played anything but support in multiplayer. It's not harassment either or 'girls shouldn't be on this game', it's just very defined. Or for example 'we're going off to kill and farm this thing, you need to craft food etc', which probably sounds bad but that's the way those guys were raised and I don't think you personally would like that (because I understand your feelings on gender rights and advocacy) I still don't even know what equality is, inside gaming or in the real world. I don't think that should be the case for everyone else and if people push it through toxicity then you have? or had a real problem on your hands. I'd assume they weren't raised with that gender divide? rather they adopted it or became radicalized by someone else. I haven't played with any Western gamer groups so I'm not sure how that would work, more balanced perhaps but then it depends on your idea of balance. Either way I don't game online anymore. It's probably become even more reinforced if current cultural reinforcement is anything to go on. I just know you don't want that for your world, gaming communities etc, so people should fight that kind of thinking if it's not part of their normal. And if they already did? then good job.

@Ravix I was going to say something to you then completely forgot.

I remembered. There's a medieval TV show on HBO at the moment. You'd like it. A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. If you aren't already watching it.

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@Tjuz Tartar Sauce because of the Greek Tartarus, I don't say Hell or Heck so instead I use a kind of Hell from 700 B.C. as in Hesiod’s Theogony. Most people aren't up on their ancient Greek or mythical cosmogony so it becomes a kind of loophole, especially offline.

I'm not surprised to hear that the ingrained sexism within Russian culture is something you've had to deal with your whole life. No wonder you would've normalised it at this point.

• My original answer was going to be a very short 'why? it's normal', then I was going to log back out and do some gaming. But then something interesting happened and this post was born.

(If it gets unborn I'll have to ask someone to go over what stood out as inappropriate. I read it three times, it seems okay, I'll make an offline copy just in case. It's now two nights of trying to say what I was going to say. I'm trying to understand sexism too and my English is dreadful right now)

I realized I'd never even looked up the definition of the word 'sexism'. I'd originally guessed it's meaning. Easy fix right? Not really. I did the obvious and checked the definition online and was given this 'I can't answer this request. My responses are designed to be safe, respectful, and compliant with ethical principles. You may ask another question'. That's my browser blocking me from asking what sexism is.

You see this 'ethical principles?' I had a class on those, a home schooled one on ethical principles and I learned nothing from it. The whole thing was 'you can't do this, this is wrong', but they never said why.

I reworded my question multiple times and every single time I was blocked. It locked up, then I had to restart my device. I was originally going to run this conversation through A.I. instead of with you (sorry) but Soviet Skynet said no and I'm having a hard time getting Google unblocked while away. I understand why today (tonight) I didn't last night. I wiped my search history and went back to my reply. Today I did get the definition through Amber and she sent this "prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex. "sexism in language is an offensive reminder of the way the culture sees women".

Discrimination, I know that word and it's not good. I thought sexism was something else, but that definition is accurate about certain things. I'm going to try to blend what I said last night, then I'll know if what I said before I knew the meaning lines up too. It might be long (it was, I tried all night) I remember seeing three hours had passed and some of that time was mental roadblocks, I'd looked up some other definitions and I'd been wrong about those too.

This is what I said without knowing the meaning and I'm keeping it because it's telling.

I've hardly used English in two weeks maybe three, this might come out rather discombobulated but here goes. It feels normalized in a good way, it's my core foundation and belief structure for life (but on a personal level, not projected onto others) If it wasn't there then there would be no life. I'd wake up and think 'what am I even supposed to do today?' or 'what do I wear today?'. Your daily routine is an enigma to me. I couldn't even tell you what my favorite foods are, I'd have to ask my Partner. But should that be the case? I don't know. That's a grey area. (I was wrong here, that's not sexism, but the roots of sexism lead to that situation and were reinforced by that upbringing hence that's normal to me and not to you)

If you were with someone tonight would you equally vote on where you go and what you do? I can understand principal of why you might, you'd see choice as balance and being equal, equal input in the decision. I'm not sure if that's cultural, I imagine your morals came from your parents? You had to get your normal from somewhere, that's where mine came from.

That's where I tried to reword another question to the A.I. and this was the response, so I asked you instead.

Was sexism part of that? it's possible. I remember your reaction to when I told you that the women in my Family raise the girls and the men raise the boys. You said almost word for word the same thing as Amber. There's about five thousand miles separating the two of you, but the reactions were the same. She probably saw that as sexism, but never used the word. For me that's tradition, it's to instill old world values and virtues etc but those values lend themselves to the definition of sexism. You both had the same reaction to 'goal orientated', except she was a lot more vocal and colourful in her response. I mentioned it to her recently again and her opinion hadn't changed, or her colourful words. It wasn't weird to her, it was simply 'wrong' and she didn't budge. Not at all.

I just checked the definition of normalized, to be certain. It's thus 'the cognitive process of rendering unusual, stressful, or extraordinary situations, behaviors, or emotions as "normal," ordinary, and acceptable. It is a psychological mechanism—often called habituation or desensitization—whereby the mind gets used to anything, allowing individuals to adapt to new or even harmful situation'.

This is where I hit the first mental roadblock and another hour passed before I knew what to say.

That's not at all what I thought it meant. I didn't think it was a negative thing until tonight. I thought it was a positive process of adaptation to make you stronger. I can see the accuracy in that definition, it caught me off guard. Unusual and extraordinary are also accurate but only when compared to your (Tjuz) normal. I should see a harmful situation? I don't. If you were in this situation for a day you'd probably jump off a balcony, scale some walls and run away quite fast, but you have a reference point for something else and I only have life. I know this because of what you said on Discord about Amber doing the Mamabear thing 'That kind of controlling nature won't do you good mentally in the long run', I didn't see her words or actions as Controlling, I understood her approach and it worked. She did get through to me, I listened. I appreciate her ability to say it like it is even if you thought she was scary (which she laughed at) I know far more scarier people. Her heart is in the right place and that's what matters.

Past situations are different, I can say that was harmful and quite pointless. There are easier ways to shape a person, at least I think so, if that's even what it was. Your guess is as good as mine? I sent you something about that, then deleted the original link twelve hours later. You'll have to tell me if you didn't get it, I still have a copy of that file on another device. It could be desensitization too. I don't have doctor patient confidentiality it always gets back to someone else so you were the only person I ever mentioned that to but only after what you told me first. I kept that event secret for years. Told no one.

Then I checked another definition, and yet another hour passed because I didn't know what to say.

I need to check another definition, 'Desensitization is a psychology term related to a treatment or process that diminishes emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulus after repeated exposure'. I don't have an emotional response anymore so that's also most likely accurate. I don't remember wanting anything else though, maybe because I'd been introduced to nothing else?

Relationships probably factor into it too. Those men were old school in their ideas of equality, as in there was none. And sexist? (by definition absolutely) Which was fine, it never caused any major issues except for one particular event that I did share on Discord but you haven't seen it yet. It was in response to something you said about the month of August, I haven't signed back in yet. It was similar to what you said, the way you described it. Except I saw it more as disappointing than the other word you used. It technically was the word you used but in that dynamic things like sexism etc, they aren't black and white and that grey is very grey. Rights etc weren't exactly how you say, part of that life, I'd signed mine away. That might sound extreme, but that was my first Partner. My current is different and in hindsight he used manipulation, and then continued that manipulation for years until I hardly even had vocabulary left. Which I'm still trying to get back.

This is what I mean. When I showed my current Partner that, he saw red. That was me asking someone else who was further along in that dynamic, a little older and more experienced. I needed to know which parts were normal and her answer was a red flag that I missed. My English was still coming along, would you sign away your human rights? No fudging way, you'd run. I did, you can argue that it's not even possible, in that part of the world it was. We weren't in a place known for equal treatment, he pretty much owned the region. And no one else in my life questioned it, so why would I? I didn't even Google it, he was so handsome and full of promises. I think anyone in that situation with a person like that, even if they knew what sexism was they'd normalize it almost overnight. I normalized some things so much that my current Partner spent two years trying to remove them, that's telling considering how he's wired too.

That was years ago, I wasn't as switched on, I'd just hit the age of consent. Literally the night we met. He knew what he was doing and I didn't. You'd run away from that situation? I didn't I thought it was normal. I signed on the dotted line because I was told to and because I was lost in his eyes (like Sinatra's truly) by definition he was the most sexist person I've ever met. I can't think of anyone in my world who's come closer to that, so you can imagine that reality. But I didn't know what sexism was back then, or that it was a bad thing, I thought it was expected and in some ways it still is but my Partner is human, not a monster. There was no one there to say it was wrong, instead it was reinforcement for doing the 'right thing'. Years later I was counting the remains of my stuffed animals after he Patrick Bateman'd them all. That person I asked could have told me 'that's a bad idea', but she didn't. Maybe she was told not to, I'll never know. Now I shake myself and say 'what the fudge were you thinking?', I wasn't, someone else pushed me into it. Do you think my current Partner tried to get me to sign my human rights away? absolutely not.

Other than that it's always been smooth sailing. We always synced in our beliefs and what we see as balance. Did someone else put that balance there? most definitely. My idea of balance would be highly oppressive to you and in any normal situation that could be abusive (it's not, I'm an adult) It's possible that sexism laid some of those early foundations. You heard the music I was given, and certain music videos. I can see how that kind of material could maybe shape a person and in all likelihood it did, or at least help to reinforce something that was already building. Now it's rock solid, not budging.

Next day kat again. I think I applied the above wrongly, It was more this 'Sexualisation in Commonwealth English) is the emphasis of the sexual nature of a behavior or person. Sexualization is linked to sexual objectification, treating a person solely as an object of sexual desire'. I can see that, and I own it but was I right about sexism laying those foundations too? probably. And being honest, my mind doesn't see that as wrong, it just says 'but I'm an adult so that's fine'. There's some kind of mental block there too.

I checked another definition to avoid more confusion 'Ultimately, while the desire to hold power over women is a core component of sexism, being assertive or holding a Dominant personality type does not automatically make a man sexist', agreed. 'However, strict adherence to traditional, forceful, or "Alpha" masculinity often correlates with sexist attitudes, as these behaviors are frequently based on the assumption that men should control or hold power over women', agreed too, but that doesn't take professional context into account. I think sexist people can exist anywhere, gaming for example and in any relationship. Maybe women can be sexist too? I wouldn't say my Partner is sexist, just strict to in that above adherence to tradition and tradition is absolute, with zero compromise. Which again is fine, it works. Someone put that tradition there obviously and it makes sense (to me) I'm not sure what was put in you, and I don't mean that in a rude way, I simply don't know but it's got me curious (then my browser blocked my research again) I'm going to assume you learned about it through school and your parents, or careful observation. The saying to be a product of your environment fits my understanding.

There hasn't been much to compare life to, and do people even compare their life to anyone or anything else? I always assumed that would be disloyal, possibly even ungrateful. I didn't have my first friend until sixteen and we were from the same culture, if she saw it was wrong or weird she never said. I think you might be the first to use that word, sexism, unless Ravix did too. Amber has hinted at similar things but not said it. That likely makes you the only person in over twenty years. Which doesn't surprise me. I'd never discuss this offline, suspicions would be raised and rightly so. I'm only trying to see both sides of something I don't understand, I know that's not how it would be received.

I took what you said before and during Christmas, and asked Amber the same questions. I looked at all of that feedback and compared the results. I knew then that I didn't want something I've never had. If I were in society it would be different, society to me is real survival. Real Russia is also survival, my type or survival is different, I see more in their actions than in my inaction. I don't think everyone wants to be out there among the herd but they do it (possibly?) because they have to and I'm sure they would want equal placement and equal treatment when they do it. That part I understand, everyone deserves the same payment for a job well done. And the safety of a healthy working environment. The same for a gaming environment. Behind closed doors? I don't know. Everyone is different and I'm severely limited in what I get to see or experience. That's not just because of gender, it's a consequence of that generational system, I saw the same thing in that little British royal girl, I still can't get over 'I've never seen a movie'.

It's different when you remove society, or rather when you are completely removed from society and certain elements (normality?) are replaced with very high walls and locked doors. There is no outside influence in my life, it's all completely internal. There is just 'don't ask why'. Your words are different. They are something I can take onboard and not have to disclose, because my mind is more or less my own. I don't think treatment in such a situation ever changes or evolves. I'm still a child to my parents and they make no secret of it, are guys my age considered so? absolutely not. They grow up faster, much faster. There's no real childhood there, none that I've seen. We learned to shoot at the same age but I shoot paper, they hunt and that to me is wrong and unnecessary when you already have food on your plate. They dress and act older from a young age, I've seen cars go to thirteen year olds in my Family, all males. I'd argue that a thirteen to fifteen year old in my Family is generally seen as a man. Maybe even younger. That's not culture, in Russia that age would be eighteen so again it applies to what I said about a system removed from society. It's part of that insular old world system. Their responsibilities are different and that's by design, what do they do? No idea, it's not my place to ask. I can guess, but I don't ask. (next day kat again, that's sexism too)

They do adapt and grow, they have to, both physically and mentally. Some of that is culture too, to be strong, to build your body up. I understand it, I do physical training but not like that. I'm about to start up Krav Maga and Systema training again (martial arts) I'll get to punch and kick some guys (hard, they can take it) that's an exception. Normal days are 'go play', (that's sexism too) and it should bother me but I've turned play into study. You probably wouldn't like that either, or maybe you would if play was gaming. I can't picture you as a house pet though, my mind can go to a lot of places just not there. Ravix is already a rabbit, so maybe. He has the ears. I can see the visual. The rest not so much.

Sexism maybe narrowed my point of view? (do you think so? you might have the most normal point of view I've seen) but that wasn't by choice nor is it (I can't think of the word) purposefully done to make another uncomfortable. I'm struggling with knowing what's appropriate-cy. It's like if you were in a dark room and you had to cross it without bumping into someone, or poking them in the eye. Ultimately you want to get out of that dark room to a light switch but not blind someone in the process. A.I. is kind of like night vision goggles, but it's not real and the answers are limiting. Especially when that A.I. isn't actually ethical at all, it's just as narrow in it's own point of view.

A lot of it is systemic. And you may or may not know this next part?

If you take Russia for example, there is a discrepancy between wages as they pertain to gender. Women would earn up to thirty percent less (sometimes forty) and that's widely known (Germany is different? I'd imagine so) Accepted? I don't know, my Family are different. If a woman works for us they do get equal pay, sometimes more depending on the assignment. You'd want to be paid more for putting up with me right? I understand it. That's business, business is fair. They become part of that same system, insular and we have our own balance regardless of the region. In those regards we do promote equality. If I heard otherwise I would pull rank and make sure they were taken care of. That's doing the right thing for someone else, my Dad taught me that. It came late as a lesson but it stuck.

It's different when it's Family, given the values and virtues I was raised with and what I said above? Most likely yes that's purely sexism but would you question your own Family? I can't, don't and won't. I see nothing good coming from rocking such a boat. I'd only be reminded of why things are the way they are. And I'll admit that since talking to you I did very briefly question possibly one or two very extremely small things, but I can't change those things so I just reminded myself that they are normal and my thinking reset to that default setting.

There's never been any other alternative, nor has anyone ever suggested any other way of living. Movies maybe? but they aren't real. Which is why I hit a wall of confusion when you did explain equality as you see it, maybe it goes back to the definition of normalized. It doesn't feel bad or wrong, it would feel bad and wrong if the direction and structure wasn't there. But forced? that's different, maybe acceptance is something a person grows into? and eventually they can't live without it, maybe the opposite becomes completely alien. Which honestly the kind of freedom you do have, that sounds otherworldly to me and sexism was most likely behind some of that too.

I just had to ask permission to go outside for five minutes of air so I could think, and no I wasn't alone but we aren't at home and it's after two in the morning. Who knows what's out there. Is that freedom? that's also a grey area, and by outside I mean a rooftop terrace. The view was pretty though, obviously I can say it's the Paris skyline, it's never not pretty. I think that's why people come here, for that romantic tourist side. I'm assuming what you see as freedom comes as a default, but that's limited by gender in my Family too. It's like I said Oligarchs protect their money, we protect our Families. Our guys can handle themselves so I don't see that discrepancy as sexist. I agree with it, though that could also be a little agoraphobia talking too? If it wasn't there then perhaps I'd see it differently and want privacy and the other one you mentioned which I forgot. I would think yours comes as default because you were told, go to school, go to college, get a nice boyfriend, get a job, make a Family etc and most those things are done solo? For example no nepotism or hand holding. It's you out there alone and gender doesn't? or shouldn't affect how that journey goes. Speculation yes, but I think I'm right.

I wasn't told to do any of those things. Just inherit when of age, and to do what I'm doing now. Ive already met both requirements early in life. This is basically as good as it gets (the saying from that Jack Nicholson movie) I'm not even sure what else I'd want? or should want, most people want things. Things don't count because I can have all of the things, dreams are different and I should have some but I don't. I'm happy just waking up healthy each day, and even happier that I got sleep in the first place. You probably have some kind of prospects? for a lot of people I imagine they channel that kind of auspicious drive into a career? I don't know what you want to be when you grow up, technically you are already grown up but does gender in Germany limit that? Can a man and a woman work the exact same job? no matter what the job is? Do you have female firemen? We technically don't.

There are legal restrictions to certain job types back home, we did have a weakening in restrictions but they went out the window in a big way, especially with conflict. Now gender roles are even more strict. If a woman did want to be a fire fighter it would be very complicated, not direct, more like volunteer support (like in gaming again) and less like a paid/insured career. It's how you say, a prohibited profession for women. As I said we're going backwards. There was a recent push to change some of that but law makers said certain jobs are dangerous to a woman's reproductive health. That's sexist? maybe. I can only ask you, and what if said woman doesn't want to have children? There's no way I'd ask that offline. There are other banned jobs like working around chemicals or maybe construction. I'd have to check the banned job list. It was once at five hundred then they reduced it to be more modern but conflict is impacting policy so that's probably gone backwards too. I remember when I was six years old I wanted to be a cosmonaut and I was laughed at, I took to reading about astronomy instead. For the longest time there were no women train drivers or truck drivers, I've played all of those simulators, trains, trucks, firemen, construction, they might seem boring but realistically I'd never be allowed to do them in real life so I want to see for myself.

It took me almost two hours to dig that hole, that grey stuff is cement. It's how you make foundations. I'm legally by gender banned from doing that in real life. Is that different in Germany?

You asked me about Kuwait on Discord, I never replied properly. I had to be a little evasive at the time. I'd recently tried to talk to someone my age in the UAE, I was curious to see if there were similarities but she refused to say a word. Instead she told on me. Instantly. I just wanted to understand how her situation and circumstance worked because she was from a certain lineage too and I wanted to know if it affected certain things. I assumed by gender we'd be on the same page. There was no solidarity there. She just hushed up, left the room and then a couple of minutes later her Dad appeared and 'why did you ask her that?', lesson learned. I thought they were harmless questions, they were not. I can't say what her Dad's response was, that's not ethical in the West, nor was it ethical to my Partner. It created static so he put me on a plane to Kuwait and stayed there while he finished up business. I got two platinums though. Was that sexism? probably, it's not my culture or my religion. I was curious about her priorities. I wonder if that's how it would be seen with us talking talking, you and me. Maybe. Things keep getting banned and restricted, even questions.

I have one priority, and that's most likely another consequence of sexism, like so many other things but I own it through consent because that's a system that works with my default programming (I have to use gaming speak, too many mental blocks tonight and my language is lacking severely)

I took a lot of what you said, pondered it over, took what Ravix said, pondered it over too and 'yes but that's Europe/England'. I could only understand it from your or his point of view, I couldn't apply it to myself even just theoretically. It wasn't a mental block, it just wasn't there. Maybe those files just weren't installed? It certainly feels that way but it depends on what environment you are running in too. My operating system works exceptionally well in my own environment, I understand the architecture and the Architects, but I blue-screen quite literally when I try to enter yours.

Yes this is long but everyone is asleep and I've been pondering the words for a couple of hours now (next day kat again, two nights now of pondering)

It's going to be odd to say this but I see some of your thinking in my girlfriend. She has that same approach to equality as it pertains to gender, Western and modern. We are both wired very differently but we click. I'm going to choose my wording very carefully.

She carries herself in a way that fits your description of equality. Hence why she rarely travels with us, some of those places are known to be sexist or lacking in human rights and in gay rights (if I have the term correct) Put bluntly 'she don't play that', not at all. Perhaps it's because she is gay and has gay friends? I don't know, we've never discussed it. I would assume mixing with such people would have some kind of bearing on how to see the world? I don't know what you and your friends talk about, maybe I'm wrong and it's gaming, not the world or gay rights. Nor do I know what she talks about with her friends, I'm sure it's not about me. We have a non disclosure agreement, they probably don't even know I exist. They know her dynamic, but that's all. I just know she can be vocal if a man does do something untoward to her. I've seen that outcome, she sent the last one to school. He assumed wrongly that she and I were of the same mindset because we were both seated with my Partner. No one stepped in to stop her. It wasn't their place to do so, and it was his mistake to make. I just watched too. Distance is prevention, there's a fiery temper there. The saying, don't judge a book by it's cover? That's her. She's the furthest thing removed from accepting sexism. That's how I can understand why you don't like a situation built on sexism, I compared you to her and saw a lot of similarities there.

Instead of words she speaks through actions, or lack of them. For example I'm still away for Paris Fashion Week, I mainly went for her. Haute Couture Week ends tomorrow then I'm free to do more balanced things like gaming, and reading. It's been fun but very hectic and a little panic inducing because there are a lot of people, but I know it means a lot to her. I was just happy she enjoyed it. I never saw her over Christmas then I went straight to the Middle East and I didn't see her there either, this is me making up for it. We'll go South after this and I'll make up for it again there for a time. Two days in two months isn't how you say, equitable or fair and I understand her not wanting to visit either regions. You yourself wouldn't go to either, nor would I blame you for it.

Her reasoning for not going matches yours, even with safety it doesn't match her idea of what's 'normal or equal'. You are both, aware and cognizant of inequality and not to a fault. Rather it's to pinpoint accuracy. You both see any understand something that I don't and that could be because of normalization. I don't know any other people to compare such things to, nor is there a way to do it offline without raising eyebrows and I know better than to raise suspicions out of mere curiosity.

I'd say Western gaming groups in my experience don't really have that gender divide where, like your example, women are expected to fill the support roles.

• The most interesting part to what you said is that it reflects the current real life conflict and I'm not sure how well known that is? I did main support in those games, healer, sniper. That's exactly the same role women are filling in the military right now. It's not mandatory conscription for them (is that sexist too?) they too fit the roles of medics, snipers and very controversially drone operators. Which I can't understand. Why anyone would want to do that. It's not real combat it's completely unethical and causes massive collateral, why would I woman want to do that? we're supposed to bring life into the world not out of it. I'm mentioning it because that's the same cultural normal that I also experienced in gaming. Right down to the actual roles and their names.

Non-solo gaming was a complicated area. After littlebigplanet I was done with gaming, because Someone else said I was (for obvious reasons and for the time they were right) Those people weren't friends like you know friends to be and that was a really bad situation but it didn't sour the hobby. I was sixteen when I did get back onto a console and those were all solo games like Minecraft and a bunch of openworld games. It stayed like that for another two years. That Person who I was with didn't allow online gaming, social media, phones, etc, I understand why. I had Youtube and I think nothing else. Either way I was busy catching up on sixteen years worth of movies and TV shows. I was watching sometimes four or five movies every day. I saw half of the 80's in one year, then the 90's. Gaming was only part of that. I think it was TV shows that made me want a little more than just me, if that makes sense?

Maybe it was Buffy that did it. I'd seen the movie years before and she was more or less solo there. Then I saw the TV show boxset and she wasn't, so I watched more shows and kept seeing a similar formula. There was always this emphasis on other people. I remember waking up one day and telling my Ex that I too would like some friends, it's a very clear memory and not all that long ago. He suggested I have someone else make the introduction which made sense and worked out. Which basically means curated friendship, which might sound odd but people don't just fall out of the sky and if they did I'd question why.

Long story short I ended up with a Russian clan who played Day Z which I too did want to play, I still play it solo (it's slow but doable) It was a good match and the way we met meant I knew them offline too, they weren't random strangers. We meshed well, had the same language, culture and balance (sexism too, I have to be blunt) So naturally I was support.

The problem with a game like Day Z is that it requires time, scheduling and the careful syncing of time-zones. It was fun for a while but the rest of the group/Clan had schedules, jobs. I'd been playing everything else offline, A.I. doesn't have time that needs to be respected, you turn the game on and it's there, it's simple. Humans are very different and timing was everything. It's not just a case of logging on one day randomly and putting some hours in, that would be ideal. The reality was very different, I know where I'll be tomorrow but most days I don't. I couldn't tell people if I'd be online or not, I didn't know either and sometimes I couldn't even tell them where I was at the time. Maintaining friendships and being social in a productive capacity aren't always possible when living like an economic nomad. It wasn't that I didn't trust them, I either didn't know or couldn't tell them. It was fine at first until it really wasn't.

For example we'd once planned a big raid on some Belgians in our area and a date was set. We'd stocked up, geared up, gone over entry points, maneuvers. I was going to provide sniper support, we'd been watching them for days and knew when to hit. I'd been practicing on people, but not double tapping. I let them bandage, I wasn't after their loot, just the practice of a moving target. I'd sit in the hills above certain populated areas for three hours with my tea waiting. That raid was to have the perfect window of opportunity, we never offline raided, only when another squad or Clan were also online so it was fair. They knew we were gearing up for a fight. Day Z isn't the kind of game that promotes chivalry, Clans want that action, it's why they play those PVP servers. We weren't preying on peaceful people, everyone was there for the same reason and we'd clashed previously at the airfield. Dangerous place but so much loot.

We'd put in so much planning and been talking about it for days so naturally I was looking forward to it. The day of the raid came and I was woken up by 'you have one hour to get dressed, we're flying to X today' and that was the end of my involvement in that raid. I couldn't argue, or make a fuss over a game, real life always takes precedence. I really liked sniping, I had three hours allocated for it (my daily gaming allowance back then)

There was no calling off the raid over one person, we'd gotten intel that they were going to try to counter-raid us with another Clan (the Dutch, which sounds funny 'the Dutch are coming!') The guys were down one and still carried the raid off, but they weren't happy about it and they made no secret of that when I did get back online. That's when I saw a different side, which matches some of the other words in that sexist definition, but it was my fault.

I'd logged off the day before with really a good long range rifle and a lot of 7.62mm rounds. They needed both and I had no way to tell them I wasn't going to be online, nor could I return the rifle. Over time I kept missing more and more raids etc so I thanked them for their time and quit. The next batch of friends were different, I didn't go through someone else to make that introduction and I lied about certain peoples nationalities because I did want to mix more. It will sound weird but I really wanted to meet a Canadian, at the time I hadn't visited Canada, there were a couple of cultures I wanted to mix with so I lied and said it was other Russians. I wanted to mix with people not of that system. Like what I'm doing right now. Going outside of that system (then) was a bad idea. You saw some of those logs. I don't need to explain why. That outcome followed into this relationship too, there's no way in God's green Earth that he would allow me to game online or even have friends. That conversation just wouldn't happen and he's right to take that stance, that last guy I showed you, that wasn't long ago. I thought I'd never see another PS5 after that. I've explained that I need the PSN for updates and for Plus+ but this is my current account.

The number one, that's my friend who fled Russia. Her account never came back online. My Partner is wise enough to know what that number one means, he checks it from time to time, I can't blame him for doing it, I don't trust myself either. I had six hundred contacts before. Who were they? no clue I just kept pressing accept and that was a bad idea. One I'll never repeat, and can't. Is six hundred contacts a lot for you? I'm sure it was a lot for the person who was tasked with removing them, I hope he had sore fingers after. I took one of his phones a couple of weeks later and threw it into the sea, no one ever knew. I had it in my bag the whole time, right into Davey Dzhons locker, he had to replace it out of his own pocket and he got an earful because it had private numbers etc on it, maybe don't wipe my device in the first place.

Would you say you enjoy being the support role and would anyway choose to play that if you didn't feel pressured into anything, or would you ideally like to explore different types of roles in multiplayer games?

• I'm not sure, it wasn't a choice and I think like most things that aren't a choice you just learn to like them and then apply yourself to the fullest because that was the role you were given and anything short of one hundred percent would be dereliction of duty. Which is probably not why you game? From what you said on Discord they sounded like a de-stresser but I can't feel stress so games just become a form of task completion and multiplayer was no exception. I did it to try to promote that sense of achievement your supposed to get from gaming, I didn't feel it back them either. Maybe it was a social experiment too, I was curious how people worked. At least in a different setting, I don't think I learned anything from it really because the situation was so similar to actual life. I'm not even sure what another role on a multiplayer game would look like. I'm hitting a brick wall trying to answer that, I never thought about it before. I never even thought of it as pressure before but by definition it was. Maybe that goes back to normalization again. That's the hardest question yet, it shouldn't be but I have no answer for it.

All of my other online gaming experiences were back in that original Littlebigplanet situation. That was pressure, and that was maybe twenty games, all boring all online but I didn't know how to tell anyone offline nor did I even know it was wrong. That group played Battlefield so I played Battlefield, that was support too, Siege and The Division were the same and I think Wild Lands. I remember few of those games now, I wasn't very mentally there, very detached, but sometimes I'll remember when I see the name on the store. Most if not all were shooters. Now I don't like shooters but if they update Wild Lands I'll play that solo, surely the A.I. team aren't that bad. Maybe I can leave them far away and do missions solo.

Most online games can be solo'd but few games like that respect your time and I'm on Someone's else's offline time, that makes online games/friends completely non-viable.

Then there's the current geopolitical state of the world right now, that also factors into it. I think my tally for messages on my account after that was just shy of seventy, you only saw the sugar coated ones. It's an experience you don't forget so soon, I won't. It's part of my identity, something I can't toggle on or off, it just is. That locks a person into a certain grouping too, especially now. We mixed more a couple of years ago, people are still on various servers and break through bans but the grouping is tighter now. Organized of course but wouldn't you want to mix with other nationalities?

That situation lost me a lot of the last few remaining PSN contacts and I can't say I've missed them. I thought I would but there's a kind of relief that comes from knowing if someone is your friend for a specific reason, now I don't have to ask myself that question anymore because there is no one left on there and if their final goodbye was (bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep) were they friends? probably not. I think, and this will be hard to explain. But if you went sixteen years without friends, actually eighteen if you count more than one friend. Then suddenly one day you have six hundred, then another day you have none again. Would it really matter? I can't explain that feeling, I was more accustomed to the eighteen years without so mentally it was easier to shift back to that situation. It wasn't like for example tiny Tjuz goes to school, makes friends, then to college makes friends, then gaming and makes more friends, the next day tiny Tjuz has zero again.

That to you would be a shock to the system? I just slotted my old normal and carried on with my day. Similar to what I said about poker. It was that same kind of compartmentalization because those people tried to swindle me too (after I left) 'He only saw the potential jackpot and was willing to try to use deception to get it. Poker is about the cards not the words and he had only words. My logical mind kicked my heart out so to speak. Verbal calls aren't binding in Poker, neither was he. That's how my mind dealt with it'.

By applying that same system to all of those people, I felt nothing. I left the PSN, Xbox and then left the country an hour later. Not one of those people ever got in touch again, only to ask for things. I had billions of in-game currencies and items, how much do you think I gave away? nothing. I'd rather let my accounts rot than allow myself to reward any of those people and their awful attitudes.

I should feel bad about this too, but I told one person I'd give him one hundred million currency in one game and to meet me in a particular server instance. I'd been running four consoles on that game, I had fifty accounts to hold all of the currency. He didn't know that I was aware of what he had been saying about me, that person on the other end of chat smuggled out the logs. Maybe three weeks worth and even though I wasn't there the conflict was constantly in the media and every time it came up they mentioned me, so I planned on giving them something else to talk about.

The one begging had the nerve to pretend to be a friend for handouts. I'd seen weeks of what he'd said about me after I left. I had someone from another network join the game, join the group and tell me exactly what they saw. I paid them for it too, it was worth every penny. Then I had them invite one of my accounts to that same Discord I'd been kicked from, scrolled back and it was all there. Not only that, I saw them trying to figure out how to swindle me because they knew I had enough currency on there to crash the economy and they wanted it all.

That's why I'd been getting so many messages asking for handouts because 'I left the game' and they assumed I was naive enough to fall for those fake pleasantries and that perhaps I was desperate for their fake friendship (this is why I told you I'd rather play tennis with the wall) they'd all been sending the same message. I spent hours (until three in the morning GMT) running that guy in circles, until finally he realized he was getting nothing. I then told them all on Discord that 'hello it's me', then left. Attitudes like his and my 'friends', ruined that game and every other game for me. I wasn't angry, I was disappointed that they thought they could trick me. Had I not been getting those messages I wouldn't have gone to those lengths, I wanted it to stop and my method worked. Someone offline watched the situation too. Word traveled around that my 'friends' were getting nothing. Then that person I sent into their Discord told them 'I've been spying on you, bye', that was my overall response. No one has messaged that account since. Was that wrong? I think trying to swindle a person was also wrong. I thought I'd feel something after my careful checkmate, not really. Is that an appropriate response?

The person offline said it was. It's not every day I hear 'I'm proud of you', that person was and I believed them. I'd been friends with those people for years, none of it really meant anything. It was a very important lesson, one I've never forgotten, nor one I thought I'd ever share but you seem to think it's weird to allow yourself to be entirely cut-off from online friends, would you want them after that?

If we're going to have to live in a system like that, we might as well get the most out of it

• You meant gaming, I apply also this to life. You either sink or swim, I'm not one for drowning and a head above the water still counts as holding your head high.