@StitchJones Thanks, I started with film and cinematography but film wasn't for me and while I was headed out the door a friend mentioned a music video gig. It was a band I really liked, they weren't English speakers either so I decided to try. Some how we bridged some kind of language barrier, everyone was lovely. I found that they were in it for the love of music, in film it was the love of money. I applied cinematography to my shots and it worked for certain material but not for others. I've had work featured on tour posters, magazines like MetalHammer, certain CD inlays, and more that I've probably forgotten. It's kind of cheating because press credentials usually mean the first three songs and since it's me giving myself the access I often go over the first three. That's Jesse he joked that I made him look like a gremlin then used it as his avatar for a few days and we published it over on Roadrunner for a time too. I prefer shooting more obscure European bands like Children of Bodom. It's a mix of keeping memories, the challenge of the stage, and a hobby that I really like but rarely ever share. People get the wrong idea, it was my 'in' for that music scene and I'm starting to feel like I need to pursue something else. I'm just not sure what, I think I'm photographed one hundred and seven bands but that's counting festivals like Download/HellFest and there are so many bands on stage and so many stages.
@GirlVersusGame its nice to have a career/job whatever, where the tasks are not like jobs, its like hobbies. You want to go into work every day. No starring at the clock waiting to be done. Few jobs are like that
@StitchJones I'll be honest I hardly know what any job is really like because it's all too curated. I never got to do much in film but visit sets like Pinewood in the UK, and people naturally said good job when I technically did nothing. It's different with music I understand that particular genre and know what I'm trying to capture. It's always easier having a lens if that makes sense. I think part of it too is what they say about never meeting your heroes. Most guys in Metal aren't as tough as their exterior but some bands that I really liked or rather some lead singers, just weren't that nice to be around. One particular band that I grew up with the music of put me off their music for life and I'd already assigned so much meaning to their work. I'm sure it happens in every industry, it's just not always expected. Then there's the actual travel, I'm naturally suited to travel but with music you can do one gig in one city one night, another the next, another country three days later and they do it for six months. That's the part people don't see, all of the insomnia, broken sleep schedules, that's why I only did it for the summer. I'd never do it during the winter.
These violent delights have violent ends & in their triumph die, like fire & powder Which, as they kiss, consume.
@GirlVersusGame On the flip side of what you are talking about, I've always been a blue collar worker, now turned full time loser lol. I would never know what your lifestyle would be like. Getting close to musicians and such. I've only been to 3 concerts in my life due to a health issue that makes that environment dangerous for me, so. As a music fanatic, if i was a reg person in that regard, I'd be the type that went to every band I love whenever they were in town. it is what it is, we are all dealt a different hand of cards in life.
@StitchJones I think if I shared some more of my old social media you'd get a better idea. It bounced around as I did, that helmet is an EoD helmet that military use in movies like Hurt Locker. I was on a military base at the time. The top right is the arrival of a president, I took it standing beside security because I was already past that barrier. The plane I took with a 600mm lens, the wolf is just a wolf but I quickly started to notice that my social media wasn't exactly 'normal' so I just stopped really updating things. That and obviously privacy etc. I've been around musicians but never really known them, I've never even picked up a guitar. A lens is a kind of natural divide, I don't think we'd have a lot in common. They started much like you said blue collar workers, working hard to grind shows until they became better known but even now some drummers work two jobs. Most bands now tour because they have to, CDs/etc aren't bringing in the money they once did and Metal as a genre can often get over-taken by whatever it is people listen to on TikTok. It's the kind of genre that has die hard fans that keep it going, without them and without concert goers a lot of those labels would struggle.
@GirlVersusGame they look cool to me. Admittedly, I got distracted by dogs in coats 😄 but the use of light is definitely a stand out feature of the shots. The first two and a third to the middle really stand out to me. There's 5 or 6 in total like that, actually. Very good. If you ever feel like you don't want to hide away your hobby/talents for a moment, then i'm notoriously nosey and will happily take interest.
I won't pry in to the people getting the wrong idea bit, but... f*** people, remember. People can think whatever they like! What use are people? What good have people ever done?People, bah!
When it seems you're out of luck.
There's just one man who gives a f*************ck
⚔️🛡🐎
@Ravix That dogs in coat I met one day out for a walk and their Owner let me take a picture. That's how I actually met Anonymous too. There were some folks protesting Scientology (which I knew nothing about) I took some pictures, we got talking, I agreed with their ethics, found ways to friend people online and then helped fund one of the very first offline Anonymous gatherings. We had authors, survivors etc. There was an odd moment where one of the members showed me his mask, it was kevlar. The police in Paris were that physical, I thought of my own kevlar and we just clicked. I still to this day never saw the German members without masks, even afterwards for drinks. They are that serious about their beliefs, work, it's really admirable.
I know fudge people but I understand that kind of divide and it's wrong to post things like that when you know people don't have them. Then there are the people who judge you for what you have not who you are. It's just easier to remove it all and not really think about it. Also I don't want to be part of the problem, people put so much meaning on things and it's worrying. That's why I won't post in the gaming tats' thread. I always saw hobbies as something you did for yourself, I know it mentions photography on Youtube but I pulled those videos too. I've probably removed every hobby off of the internet since then. And now that I think of it the last non forum comment to me was 'you are part of the problem', the world is a very different place at the moment. Or maybe it always was.
[Image Removed]
Another perfect example of what I mean. Top right is No Man's Sky, one of my all time favorite games, beside it a custom book from someone I tried to promote (her work was so good) some art (I covered most I don't share that part of me anymore to anyone) the wolf is an exception I love wolves and he came out really well. But then there's the car, which to me was normal until I saw Bruce Wayne driving the same one. It was 'normal', but it's not, if I scrolled ever higher there would be other cars. It's just not compatible and once you finally realize that you can't mix and match because it's all 'normal' to you (as in me) but to everyone else it paints an automatic picture. Also the black and white image is Papa Roach, I grew up listening to them too.
@GirlVersusGame yeah, I think I get what you mean. And agree with the internal ethics of your reasoning, but then part of me is like "but it is still just you as you are and it is something you enjoy, and hobbies are simply meant to be enjoyed, after all" I get that it can be 'weaponised' in a way when people want to project an image, and that can be a slippery slope, especially with social media. But it is still hard for me to understand as I do find it hard to actually judge people like that (like in the negative manner of 'being judgemental' about someone), but sometimes I forget that I am very differently wired to a lot of people, for better and for worse.
I also know some people from industries who have to project a certain personality and lifestyle and I think the fact that this type of thing exists encourages people to also try to do the same regardless of it'll they actually need to. Again, social media is something I do not like on a personal level, but I do understand its uses. It is just a shame that its uses (the projection of certain lifestyles and images) can also lead to people falling into traps when they don't need all the noise and the extra stress that it causes them as it is hard to keep up.
But on the other hand I do quite like to share being a big geeky nerd with other like minded people now (hence being on a gaming forum) as it is something I kind of missed out on growing up. People's geekdom was always there around me, but it was more of a passing background and went over my head at the time. But I always loved how much other people loved it, and I still do. I just join in with it more actively now.
I can be a bit stupid and oblivious on matters like this though, but because my personal intent is never to harm by sharing what i'm interested in with other people with similar interests, or with my stupid jokes and satire (of course, if someone is here actively targeting people or here on a proper windup then I will defend quite aggressively or return the windup to sender ten-fold 😬) but I just assume everyone else is like me and understands my way of thinking, when it isn't always the case.
In simple terms, I see someone post something they enjoy and I think 'that is interesting, fellow nerd, let us now do an overly complex handshake or bow to acknowledge our culture's ways' 😁
But, I mean, maybe I will call you Bruce Wayne from now on, if that makes things easier? 😛 The values and ethics hidden beneath the mask, but not the literal mask of Batman, the figurative mask of Bruce Wayne himself!
@Ravix I did like Batman until the Justice League movie when he said his superpower was being rich. I saw that not as a superpower but as a weakness and it made me physically wince. Previously in my mind Bruce Wayne was the costume and Batman was the truth. Something really bad happened to him as a child and he became what he needed to be in order to bring balance, he did it from shadows, no one knew his real identity and he didn't need them to know. He didn't have BatSocialMedia, he only had signal in the sky and that was just to beep him when there was an emergency. I don't think social media was an emergency, more like an experiment. I can live without it. I originally joined for the 'social' part and the whole thing just seemed like one big popularity contest.
I'm probably looking too deeply into it but Batman was out there in those shadows, he was making a difference. That's originally how he did become my favorite (only?) superhero, I could identify with different parts but the most important parts felt more real, the others were something he just had to do in order to keep doing the right thing. That's also why I never watched Iron Man, I like the actor but I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Tony Stark as a character. I liked The Shadow too, partly because of Alec Baldwin (he's a good looking man) but again he was similar and he was so in that darkness that he took the literal name Shadow. He beat people up, even shot them and it was for the right reasons. You can probably tell that I don't watch a lot of super hero movies. It's just very hard to reverse my ethics when I know it can lead to being someone I'd personally have disdain for. I already have to project a certain image offline, multiples even, maybe even involving actual masks (Eyes Wide Shut joke) then again everything has it's basis in reality. Even Batman, there's probably someone out there right now beating someone up for the right reasons.
How did you miss being a geek/nerd growing up? Does it go back to what you said about Soccer? when you were one person in one place, then another in another place.
These violent delights have violent ends & in their triumph die, like fire & powder Which, as they kiss, consume.
@GirlVersusGame yeah, that's what I was getting at, with Bruce as the mask. 100% the Bale Batman, not the other thing it became when they changed from Nolan. Holy S word, Batman - Bateman. Bateman is definitely what happens when the money and power takes the other path. Sorry, weird brain being weird about the 2 Bale roles and the similar spelling. Both wore many a mask too 👀
I don't think everyone needs to connect with comic book heroes like that, either. And Tony stark is a tool (but they do at least acknowledge that he is a tool) My first real taste of comic book heroes was the batman arkham games (i think) and they were all given to me second hand by someone that I suspect wanted me to evolve to be more geeky by playing their old games 😂 (and damn, it actually worked)
On your assesment: it was partly what you say, and partly that I just didn't get into anything much young as I played a lot of sport, which in turn took up most of my time. Music and movies were always there and there abouts, and that was my creative outlet too, but being a full on geeky/nerd, not so much. It developed slowly over time as I much prefered the company of my alt friends to the others, and still it was mostly me being into the music and movies and then some games later, rather than all the other little hobbies and fandoms people had. I mean, it was only about 2018/19 that I got into The Witcher which is my biggest geekdom, and not a great deal later we all had the change of Covid and the world was much different again after that, and I leant into it even more as I enjoyed it and it is both nostalgic and new. Don't get me wrong, i've always been weird as fudge, but I was markedly 'less weird' when I was actively involved in more sports and football, because you are just about passion and aggression on the field of play and more casual stupidity and fudging about around those people, but that was about as deep as those relationships could get. But I still liked it, because I was brought up playing sport all day every day when possible. But there was probably a bit of a switch, as you know. I mentioned being a bit of a chameleon previously, I believe. Sometimes it is just easier, and it was kind of natural to me. And I was far more at home within the counter culture as a teen. High school helped open my mind more to all these new and interesting people and cliques and they all had their own hobbies (building pcs, war craft, anime the traditional geek stuff) and as I already had a tonne of weirdly adult music and obscure film interests courtesy of siblings and cousins going into high school, I was already ahead of the game in that aspect and could show those who were starting to form their own counter culture identities some more advanced stuff, haha. If it sounds weird it is only because it is. Weirdness will always be the key, and our collective weirdness formed us all into these liberal, messy, depressed teens and we stuck with it. Still though, I didn't commit to full nerd, and I still haven't to be honest, i'm just able to be more nerdy than Inwas. And this is also explained by the part where any money I got as a youth inevitably went on partying, football, skateboards, BMX's, albums, and just doing random stuff, living wild and free as much as humanly possible. I think at some point you are kind of limited to how many hobbies and pastimes you can have, too. But I can also afford to do a little more within gaming and stuff I do like now than I used to be able to, so I can get much deeper into the hobbies that I do have, so I appreciate that is one element too. I have always been an advocate for maybe moving the planet, altereing our biology and you know performaing a little black magic so we can have longer days and longer lives to get everything we want to do done though 😅 I've yet to succeed at this. But maybe a lobotomy to remove some desires would be more suitable. Being able to function on less sleep helps a little bit with this though. (Oh Shlap. I should've at least lyricised this part and said a D.I.Y Labotomy. - Old School Reasons)
I will say, it feels like I've lived about 5 lives, if that makes anything clearer or less clear. Obviously I haven't, but I have crammed a lot in and maybe i'm finally starting to relax a little bit more than I used to
What better time to pop 'Time to Waste' on. See you in the music thread 🫡
When it seems you're out of luck.
There's just one man who gives a f*************ck
⚔️🛡🐎
@Ravix Only five? You need to get those numbers up, I'm kidding but I understand what you mean. Just hobbies alone (and I'll forget some) I've tried, gaming, drawing, piano, cello, fencing, krav maga, calligraphy, reading, music ice-skating, chess, flower arranging (yes that's a hobby) photography, painting, ballet, and more I'm forgetting. Candle making that's another (less said about that the better) horse riding. Others like yoga and swimming, shooting and dancing aren't really hobbies in the sense of the word, but again I definitely forgot a few. It would be nice to want to pick up a game controller, it's been days and I don't feel that pull.
'we all had the change of Covid and the world was much different again after that'
Would you believe I didn't even notice lockdown. I did manage to catch Covid and had to be even further sequestered away, it was like having my own little Cuba. Not an actual island, just all of those rooms etc, I did whatever I wanted because no one wanted to get sick. That was my lockdown, it was a positive experience. I played my music loud, may have had a few drinks, I even called it the republic of (insert name here) It was a complete reversal of 'normal' I paid for it after (truly) because I really did go a little wild but when people mention lockdown I think 'my lockdown was good'.
I think I was drunk too. My friends reaction said it all, the cat. I think I went a little crazy being alone because even right now just a room away there is someone just doing their thing, the word bodyguard is a bit dramatic. He might as well be a piece of the furniture because they are rarely ever conversationalists and they have a job to do so I don't try. When I was that sick no one could see me and I really did do what I wanted. I wasn't in England at the time either, my parents were deathly afraid of Covid. My friends would say 'oh how awful get better soon!' but I was having such a good time until I got better and the full extent of the damage was seen. I shouldn't even smile remembering it because I know it was such a bad time for everyone but it gave me that one moment where I got to actually do what I wanted. And well the results were chaotic, I'm sure something must have snapped. Obviously I'd never do that again. My friends were just as shocked. That's the first and last time I ever rebelled, they even took my rifles until I learned to respect firearms again.
These violent delights have violent ends & in their triumph die, like fire & powder Which, as they kiss, consume.
I see it as a kind of slipping off the rails, and why I find it easy to consent to such things. It's not that I think I can't take care of myself, I know I can't. Usually I'd just game in a situation like that but it's not working, He's only been gone one night and feels like a week. It's a very strange feeling, all I've been doing is listening to music for every minute of the day. It's not even that it's that one specific person it would be the same with whoever I was with, they complete a kind of mental circuit that I need to operate and without it I don't know what to do. When I was small music was just there, no matter what was happening it never went away, I could always rely on it being there, tonight is the same. Gaming should be but I'm just not feeling it all.
It might get lost in translation but if someone said 'lay down and go to sleep in the dark' that approach is kind of forceful, if it was 'I want you to sleep' that's an order but only involves one person. If they said 'I want you to want to go to sleep for me', it clicks. It says if you do this for me and if you want to do this for me then I'll be happy. You did what they asked, it was for them but you also benefited.
On a normal night W/we'd be out until maybe three but I'd be asleep either once we returned of fall asleep in a car and wake up the next day in a bed. I've woken up in other countries before. it's just the act of not having someone not physically here helping to move that along, it's very odd I know but that's how that mindset works especially when it's 24/7 which is why I tell people to be cautious if they are considering to do it. If you live that long your mind clicks into that natural order and without that actual controlling force you effectively shutdown in a way.
@GirlVersusGame in relation to Covid story: truly fascinating 😁 like I say, I can't judge, I will just take it for what it is. Someone's own story, life, experience. And thus it is fascinating to me, nothing more, nothing less. (And now I knownyou are now laughing about it, so that is good)
Oh, but now you're going to awaken my desire to encourage rebellion in people. I can't help it. Maybe not in an unsafe way, but in as interesting and fun a way as humanly possible. I mean, I've already permitted you to have a drink before reading this 😬, so I might wait and let both threads converge so we're not having two conversations at once. But still. The urge is taking over to encourage more rebellion 🙈 do it. Or... yes, do it. No. Maybe?
All that is in my mind now is... can you command the 'not bodyguards' or staff to do things or get you things if you need something? Or is there an overriding command from 'above'? This is an important aspect of my post. Because maybe just once a week, or once a month you just need a time to relax and be free, no consequences? It sounds like it would be a good emotional reset and be of benefit to you, and thus make everything else much easier for everyone else. Solid reasoning, I think. Justification is like 90% of the battle. I'm trying to solve a riddle for you, create a scenario where you can safely loose control for a set time, and then simply return to 'normal' afterwards, refreshed.
By the way, I wrote another post the other day, but didn't post it. I probably will, at least temporarily, just to give you some context for some things. So if you see something that starts with "Oi" and then an awkward flippant remark, it is the post I made a few days ago. At the moment it feels like I have posted it and you have read it, when that is not the case. So the basis for these chats now are lacking a little context from the moment last week when my empath sensors kicked into overdrive when talking to you and vermines. I will post it after this as I converge the two chats we're having, knowing it is kind of outdated content, but still partially relevant to now.
And now the two chats converge here. Now I know you are wetting yourself laughing about your Covid rebellion reaction, it kind of plays in to the earlier part of this post. Encouraging more rebellion, in a safe environment, for the good of all involved. Does this appeal and sound like a worthy reward for the rest of your time spent obediently? And it really can benefit everyone if it leaves you refreshed and envigorated.
And now you have, in a way, given me the metaphorical key. If you assign time to enjoy yourself this way, your happiness should also please your partner, as I assume he would permit you to be happy, and thus the circle is complete on that front, too. Something to ponder, I think.
I think I covered all angles 😛 rebellion incoming, totally safe and manageable rebellion without consequences, of course.
@GirlVersusGame Oi, I don't think you're paranoid btw... (a reply to an old post) but if you think I think you are paranoid, then maybe you are paranoid 😛 (apologies for opening with a flippant remark, I can't help it, it is basically my default mechanism) I don't think I was ever able to formulate a coherent response to some of your replies recently, I had left a tab open writing some things every so often over a few days, but I gave up even trying. It is way, way, way above my paygrade and far beyond my understanding. But I felt how I felt, it was a gut feeling and an old protective nature kicking in because it felt like I was seeing signs that I recognise all too well. I feel if I explain how I am you will know i'm never judging you by thinking that, i'm almost incapable of actually, formally judging people unless someone is consistently being awful, or someone is actively looking to hurt people with their actions, in which case my time and patience for them expires. (An example of how I process the world can be explained by something utterly throwaway, the tv could be on and someone might say "oh look at x,y,z feature about a person, either a physical one, or the way they speak, act, or whatever, and they will comment about it as if it is a worthwhile observation, and i'll just say "okay?" and wonder how or why people even care to notice these things, like why would it matter? It may be something that has registered with me in some passing way, but i've assigned absolutely no internal thought processing or opinion about it beyond being aware of it, and other times it is just stuff i'd never even notice)
But emotions do resonate, strongly. My teens were full of intense emotional relationships, traumas and pretty much everyone I cared about had some form of darkness, depression or personal trauma that lingered within them and I basically dedicated my life to recognising when I needed to act and be there for those people day or night. It manifested in many ways, but usually involved talking endlessly through the night, absorbing their problems (both figuratively and literally. As some kind of broken Empath. Another reason why I can't watch news media or doom scroll) and looking for the best way to solve any problems, distract them from any negative thoughts, or just be with them in a bubble where only they matter and nothing else exists until eventually they fall asleep (sleep is the best way to forget or process anything that troubles you, naturally, and I could easily guarantee i'd be the last awake of anyone anyway, so it was "easy" for me to just absorb and know I wouldn't waver) so it'd boil down to making any of their problems mine to solve through various methods, depending on the situation, or be enough of a distraction that any negative thoughts slowly melt away for the time being. Of course, then I was left with my own thoughts after, but it was a price worth paying.
But now it seems like you are actually really adept at doing this for yourself anyway? It still triggered my empath sensors though, and it still will when I read your comments, because i'm used to having to be alert for any potential signs. It is weird, I suppose, as we are complete strangers I don't have the usual understanding that I would normally have as a base level to work from, so some things you say might be extremely normalised to you, but if someone I knew said them i'd be on call right away and ready to not sleep until I know they are no longer feeling those feelings. I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, I might have explained it badly, but hopefully you understand where i'm coming from. I'm not prying, nor judging, and maybe you will now know why you tripped my sensors, so to speak. But again, it is well above my paygrade. A life I know nothing of. I am but a simple fool who believes that, no matter what, people deserve to be and are capable of being free, being themselves, and maybe even being happy.
Have you ever read or watched 'into the wild' by the way? About Christopher McCandless. It is somewhat relevant. Not that I think starving in the wilderness is a good idea, but the idea that we are always free and don't have to adhere to set societal norms if we do not ourselves believe in them. I don't know, i'm seriously rambling at this point, for sure.
What I can understand is how right you are about the mess that the news sections have become here. Everywhere is a battleground and it is ridiculous. A bunch of brainwashed people all arguing and spewing out their rhetoric any chance they get, half-baked, recycled, regurgitated from their masters, convinced that it is their own pure thoughts. There's nothing wrong with people being wrong, I'm a staunch advocate for being wrong and admitting my own stupidity, but sometimes people are clearly just seeing part of the picture and reciting things that let them "win" an argument in their own minds.
But wow, a lot of people were just being hateful and assigning traits to entire cultures, races, creeds and religions like it was nothing. And it's especially weird that the new movement that some of these people support do exactly those same things they seem to be against, but because it is framed differently,.in a way they think benefits them, they eat it up, even if they themselves are being played like a fiddle.
"Ooh, these people impose their views on everyone, they are really bad. But these people imposing their views on me and everyone else, ooh, well, I love me a bit of that" it's literally madness. People just want something to be against and something to be a part of themselves. It is so weak. This is why I always default to my personal belief that 'society is f***ed, humanity is f***ed, the planet is f***ed (i'm definitely saying Fudged here 😄) and for those hateful people to please just let me and any like-minded individuals live in peace away from everyone elses tribal BS (short for 'Bothersome Slop', of course 😄) for the little time we actually have on this earth with each other.' Wouldn't that be lovely if society was free of all this nonsense.
I hope the ending isn't too much of a downer, my default viewpoint is more of a constant background hum that allows me exist with the whole "life is a joke" thing, and while I am immensely dissapointed in the human race as a whole, I still look for all the small positives and worthwhile connections and care about things on a more individual, manageable scale 😄 "I can't change the world, but I can change a lightbulb" - someone probably said that, I imagine? It just popped into my head and felt pretentiously positive enough that someone must have used it before, haha.
Again, pondering whether to actually post this or not (it's 7:18am)... I didn't post it. Because now it's 7:38pm 😂 and now it is a new day entirely and we've since talked about a bunch of other stuff) and now i'm at least temporarily posting it. And it is the first half that is the most important half. I got into a full on ramble with the rest of it.
@Ravix I see what you are doing, it's funny but it's not working. It's been water all night.
See now that's a really good question. Technically I could tell that person 'take me out tonight' but I know he'd go through my Partner first and if that was a yes I'd sit there and not talk to anyone and I know they absolutely wouldn't talk to me because they know my Partner. Then in the very rare event that someone did and they tried the wrong thing it would just make trouble and I don't want to be responsible for that. We sort of stick to our own hangouts if that makes sense. Everyone knows everyone, walls have ears, it wouldn't work.
I know I can't just tell him to leave because that's a stone faced no. I tried having fun with some of them before by getting a security radio and DJ'ing down the line but no one saw the funny side of that. Back home it's different, they are my people and the bonds are stronger. We'll watch bad 80's action movies together (that's how I discovered movies like Hard Boiled) sometimes even offline game, and just have that more human connection. Most are ex military of sorts, some have been with my family since I was a teenager and I celebrate their birthdays, make sure their children get what toys they want, I show genuine interest and because of that they do the same. There's a kind of duty to the family rather than to the job, I see them as family.
Here's it's more subdued and that's because at home I'm my parents daughter, but here they see something else and I'm sure it effects that human connection. My Partner doesn't hide it, it's not something he'd have discretion for under his own roof and doesn't in most places we go. He doesn't do it to embarrass me, it's just his normal and our normals click. He helped me a lot with what you'd call indignity, I cared too much what others thought, now I only care what he thinks.
They've seen a lot that and because they are just normal enough people it affects how they see me as a person. Which makes it easier for them to do their job, they aren't looking at me as a secondary client. They rotate, some or are okay, some are just like robots, some do show some interest in say Minecraft because they know how deep into it I get. Others are just hyper focused on the job like tonight. I tried to start a conversation and got no where. Sometimes it's not always men, one of the best bodyguard agency's in London is female. They can go places men can't, blend like men can't and it makes them very good at what they do. That would be more of a concert situation, they'd blend in and we'd look like two friends watching a show.
It's sounds weird I'm sure, having someone just there but that's just one person and he's not the only one. I understand why and I'm grateful. If you are born with that you don't question it, and I've had a couple of experiences where I did need them. I've done what are called VIP safety weekends, you learn how to react in a hostage situation, what to do, what not to do, how to make them see you as a human, and some other more practical things like evasive driving, the former isn't fun but the driving is. I also learned first aid and how fire extinguishers work, I do want to learn how to protect myself too.
I test different ones sometimes with 'can you go get me some candy and soda?' if they say yes I know I have a bit of an in there because I'm not allowed soda, then I'll say 'thank you but I changed my mind' then store that mental note for when I might need something more important. I don't want to get anyone in trouble. I'm not even sure that I do take time off to relax, 24/7 means being there for someone, but obviously they have ways of making you relax too. Do people just relax for a week and lose control? I can't imagine it. I've been all around the world but I don't take vacations, I always thought people do that when they work. I think my need to make that particular Person happy is just greater than my own, which is common with people in that dynamic. Like most things I take it to another level because I'm a perfectionist. That no neck man (my word for them) would never order me around and I'd never try to order them around, they definitely follow up on requests but won't break routine. I'm always conscious that men are men and I never want to put them in an uncomfortable situation, it just wouldn't be right.
I feel most relaxed when I'm with that person. He could just sit there reading the paper for an hour and I'll sit on the floor beside him and that to me is more relaxing than a warm bath. It will sound odd but we don't even talk all that much, of course I listen but he's not a gamer, doesn't really watch movies, certainly not TV, there's the age gap too. We have none of the same hobbies per-say but still we click, some people are just naturals in that role, when you bond those two Naturals/naturals you get something that flows perfectly. I've been with people who I thought 'well I'd do that, but not that' for him I don't see such limits because I trust him that much.
I often wonder how my girlfriend does it. She's not 24/7, and she switches between those roles. It's more than just mood but when she's in one she's locked into that mindset. I think it goes back to whichever gender I was told was more fluid, as in one day they feel feminine then the next masculine, it surely must be a similar mindset. I think mine was just locked in at such a young age that my brain was still developing and once those wires connected it was permanent.
(I'll reply as I read, I see more)
It's not really paranoia, it's just being careful. I'll bend the rules of online communication because if I didn't I know I'd forget how to interact like a normal person and I see 'normal person' as another one of the languages in my portfolio. That's how I justify sneaking around online. A lot of this is beyond anyone's understanding, it's a mix of far too many worlds, I know I'm not a Communist, Capitalism seems to hurt people, but so much of it gets reinforced and it's easier to agree with the order of the day. You do seem very protective, I picked up on that. It did feel like you couldn't understand that I felt no trauma, I really don't. I know there are people in the world who have gone through much worse and continue to daily. I do believe in an eye for an eye but that's not an online thing, I'm not going to go crying to some hackers when someone hurts my feelings. That's abusing power, and it solves nothing. That's why I learned to just cut the connection. You saw that person who messaged asking for money? if anything could give me trauma it was that one action. It showed me a different side of normal people, friends even and I never got over it. People don't always see people as real, they knew I was, I'd sent games to his house, we talked movies, for years. It called every one of those moments into question. Nothing else I ever experienced felt like that. Then there was the fact he said Chicago and a woman's shelter, it felt like they used something I really cared about, I don't understand how someone can put a price on that. He also knew why my Ex was pushed out, I think that's how you form trauma not from something physical but when someone does that.
(reading more)
This will sound odd too but that gender reinforcement I mentioned and that kind of control from not actually viewing someone as 'grown up' I think psychologically I'm still living that teenage mentality. I see it sometimes, like when I move from a book about celestial mechanics (Astronomy) it sort of catches up, then I'll read about quantum mechanics but it catches up again. Obviously that reinforcement is part of it. I'm curious do my relationships sound intense to you? I do think a lot of people experience depression at one point or another, I think that dynamic also bypasses some of that too.
If I'm seeing happiness through someone else and I know my actions affect their happiness then that 'I'm proud of you girl' becomes a reflector, i believe him and then I feel that happiness and pride in myself. It means happiness does become something you can control for yourself but through another person. Without that person it's projected out and vanishes into the ether, they become a kind of reflector and then amplify the feeling. I had no reflector today, so I turned to music and felt through that instead and it worked.
Being there for someone day and night as a teenager and not even as a young adult sounds extremely distressing. I know adults who couldn't do 24/7 because the mental strain brought the whole thing crashing down, I've seen it in almost every open relationship too. People can blend very well but over time those cracks appear, for an adult it can set things and emotions back months or longer. It's not just about all the hands on stuff, it's very mind to mind. I think just mentally caring for someone takes more strain than spending a night doing things to them. I once had to help a guy out of his boots because he was mentally and physically spent after what he did with his girl. There was nothing left. It was the mental interaction that really did it.
That's why it's so much of a weekend or even monthly thing for most people. My Partner doesn't need to work but he does, he needs his space too, and he would rather I do something productive for a while rather than just sit at his feet. I'd lose a part of myself, it's called sub-space it's temporary, if it's permanent you are 'gone' just simply not there. some just want a pet, others want a person, or maybe a mix of the two, I can switch between subspace and petspace very easily. It's because it's already something I naturally dial into. That's why we go out almost nightly, I can shutdown after all of that and he doesn't have to focus too hard on the mental drain of after care. It's the mind to mind aftercare that drains people.
It sounds like what you did was very admirable but sometimes people are so very broken and as much as we want to help them we have to allow things like therapy to carry that weight. For the longest time I did see one almost weekly, I wasn't depressed or sad, it was just to carefully balance things and preemptively look for those cracks, of course there were some minor breakthroughs but nothing of any real consequence came from it. I'm still glad I did it, I did it for him but most people need to do it for themselves.
I only mentioned maybe two percent of life, I've just gotten very good at processing what I needed to and it might be a survival technique. I think teenagers just bottle it all up and then eventually years later into adulthood it surfaces. I remember one night photographing DragonForce, I fell over. They rushed me out and all I could say was 'I'm dying', I saw a doctor and they said it was anxiety. Then I understood what they meant when they said things from the past can come back on you. It's a very rare event but when it happens I can't breath until it passes. I think it's really important to just talk, I was sure all of that was locked and filed away carefully. It hit when I was genuinely happy, like there was a happiness dial and once it hit that point where Herman's guitar was maybe one foot away from my lens and i thought 'this is amazing, this is engaging, I'm in Guitar Hero!' I blacked out. I'm still fascinated of the timing. They gave me medication for it and after three days I threw it away, I learned to just control it through meditation, it works.
It really does sound like you absorbed so much from another person and I know you were doing it for the right reason but you might never have let go of that distress and one thing I've learned to do is call up moments like that, say I'm done with them, and mentally push them out. When I don't see them as my own they start to fade.
A couple of years ago on a game it got back to me that a friend left because, and these were the words of the logs I was shown 'I can't fix her', I had no idea they were even trying to. They'd taken onto themselves to try to fix all of the wrongs that they perceived and then gradually tried to help me in some way. It was news to me, I thought we'd just been conversing. It obviously put them under mental stress and I didn't even know they were doing it. Had I known I'd have reminded them that it's okay to allow people to help themselves too or they might never know how. If you don't learn to cook you starve, I see trauma like that. Maybe I don't see it because I naturally carried myself through mentally or maybe that mind to mind connection I mentioned is strong enough to actually fix parts of a person. He doesn't break me down, he builds me up. But it's a role he signed up for, and I signed up for what I offer in return, the lines are very clear. That's one of the only ways I can see someone shouldering the burden of another person ever working, we aren't built to be someones permanent rock. It's important to focus on you too, I just found another way to do it.
(reading more)
But now it seems like you are actually really adept at doing this for yourself anyway? It still triggered my empath sensors though, and it still will when I read your comments, because i'm used to having to be alert for any potential signs. It is weird, I suppose, as we are complete strangers I don't have the usual understanding that I would normally have as a base level to work from, so some things you say might be extremely normalised to you,
You might laugh be you might have a natural Dominant streak in you. That caring is a big part of actually doing it right, not a lot of people get that part. They think it's about what they can do to that person, or what they can make that person do for them. They objectify the person and disconnect the mind from the body. Over time they cause damage, break the person. I've seen it so many times. People get seriously hurt. The part people don't see is that mind to mind connection, the actual care and the after care. They get distracted by the theatrics I mentioned. I think you saw something and thought 'I don't understand this at all' then your mind filled in the blanks and 'she's in trouble'. It's natural to think that. People naturally think that if a woman submits to a Man there must be some coercive control at play. They can't fathom how anyone would give that much of themselves over to a person willingly. It's that much of a rare mindset. It becomes almost like they view it as self degradation or a self imposed punishment but I'm not a masochist. I don't need to be beaten black and blue to feel, a head pat goes just as far. A lot of people experience the alternative as a kind of a playroom attitude, a little spice to a night and they wouldn't dare dedicate every moment of their waking life to it. With me I can't fathom not doing it, I need to make him happy like I need air to breath or water to hydrate. It would be the same for my next Partner, it's just automatic. I see it as a natural part of how two people share their lives, time, souls and of course bodies. The idea of being an equal partner is terrifying, and to most the idea of not is sickening.
That's why it's so easy for me to talk about it. I think the biggest boon I have is that I can separate 'this is how I need to behave with a Man' from 'this is how All women need to act', if I couldn't it would be a problem. It makes me understand consent better, and yes there is that grey area where if I'm not fully sure if it's yes or no I trust him enough to make that decision for me, which is rare in that dynamic, people do take advantage of others. It happens in all kinds of relationships I'm sure. I think an Empath might naturally feel for a person if they suspected hurt or pain, I think that's why my first date cried. I said it before, I'd never seen a grown man cry, he was so tuned in that he pulled all of that out of me just by responses and mannerisms and went into alert mode.
(reading more)
Have you ever read or watched 'into the wild' by the way? About Christopher McCandless. It is somewhat relevant. Not that I think starving in the wilderness is a good idea, but the idea that we are always free and don't have to adhere to set societal norms if we do not ourselves believe in them.
I actually haven't. I'm not going on vacation to the wilderness if that's what you mean. Actually did that surprise you that I've never taken a vacation? You could argue that parts of my daily life are a vacation to some people. Maybe that's why I've never felt the need, my friend that broke away recently thought all I did was spend my life on vacation. They saw what other people did with those resources and applied it to me, most of the times it's just houses and hotels, dinners, the most touristy I've ever been was North Korea and that whole sentence sounds so wrong. I don't even know what people do on vacation. Going away for me always has some external purpose and I rarely know the purpose. I still see a lot of indoor places, perhaps vacations are more of an outdoors affair. That's what it is actually, travel is a routine, not a kind of wanderlust. I don't think I've ever gone anywhere just for myself, I don't even know where I'd go.
(reading more)
I really didn't want you to worry, when I'm factual it can come out in a kind of blunt manner but that's just because the subject matter is so matter of fact. The mind is something most people have to grow into, maybe their ethics and understandings evolve over time and due to their interactions with other people or environments. I think that's what school is for, not education but to teach children how to socialize. When you remove that ability they go elsewhere for that social interaction, I did and instead of a developing brain following one particular line of correctives it took another route. My 'home work' was to use a password I was given and to report back the next day, everything I saw that night is everything I do and believe in now. Then of course three years of 'this is how it works' really did solidify it. I'm sure I'd be a different person without that derailment but I embraced it and made it work. I'm sorry that your face is wet, too. I do stand by what I said though, you need to admit to yourself that you did what you could in that circumstance and there's nothing wrong with wanting to help. You didn't twist their need for help or isolation as something for your own use, some people do. You have strong morals, you care, in today's world that can be a very rare quality. And to have those qualities that early in life just speaks to your character and to your strength not your weakness.
You should get some sleep though, and thank you really for the conversation. I won't forget it anytime soon, if ever. I just hope you got something positive out of it for yourself. You do need to reflect some of that natural care back into yourself, you deserve to be happy, everyone does. And I don't know your relationship status but you obviously have a lot to offer someone, just love yourself a little first then start from there.
@GirlVersusGame I think I understand a little better now. I did not know there was a distinct difference between the home and away. But your rebellion was when you were home and your situation is different now. Covid was actually quite a long time ago, now. Crazy to think about, really. So I have kind of been mixing up different aspects from family and relationship, I think.
It was still entertaining to read of the rebellion at home, and it got you laughing, so it was well worth exploring those thoughts 😁 a laugh is always worth having. But yeah, different rules now.
I also haven't gamed all week. I think I only played Ghost of Yotei two or three times since getting back from being away for a while a few weeks ago. I don't think I will ever finish the damn thing if I never play anything 🙈
Yeah, I briefly saw that money aspect mentioned, that move seemed shocking and exploitative. It shouldn't matter who has what, or whether there is a positive intention or not (likely it was deception anyway), but either way it is not up to them to initiate that move of asking like that, as it is not their right. If it was genuinely some noble cause that mattered to them i'm sure they would have already been getting on and doing something about it because that is what people do. And what happens after that is 'up to the gods' I don't know how to best put it.
And yeah, the interactions we have had showed me it has mostly been a language thing, and a me thing, and it is still a world way out of my pay grade. So we can basically disregard most of what I previously had said. I was attributing certain things to the insomnia and staying awake late, and a few of the themes discussed were initially triggering that response in me. I think now I have finally kind of explained in my post above, in as best a way as I can, why those things really do trigger that sense in me when see certain things are mentioned.
Because that... that was my 24/7 thing, and that is how I lived a portion of my life, and sometimes I wasn't good enough at it.
You know, after all the music and nostalgia, typing that last part is the first thing to give me a wet face. Thankfully no makeup to smudge. Yeah... (I will also read more if you add more, i've already paused enough, long pauses dom't really come across ina comment, and since my last sentence, I have both let my face dry and re-wet it twice)
When it seems you're out of luck.
There's just one man who gives a f*************ck
⚔️🛡🐎
@Ravix You had me fooled with your half a brain! I could've sworn you had more capacity than that, but I guess ChatGPT can be a life-saver to some nowadays (kidding).
Yeah, I totally understand that that kind of language didn't come out of a place of actual dislike. Hell, I bet if I would go beat-by-beat through my school life, I'm sure I threw some homophobic slurs in there myself as well. Karma got to me in the end, though! I've never been a part of the emo/alt-clique at school, but I think that kind of language is hardly exclusive to it. In all honesty, I'm not even sure we had a "real" clique of emos at my school, but maybe they just bled into the background with the dark colours and moody behaviour. To answer your question however, yeah, I would say Europe is pretty much the same in my experience in terms of the mindless language at least. I've heard "gay" thrown around as an insult plenty, though I suppose I can count myself lucky that it was never directed at me. I'll say I was a late bloomer in terms of when I realised my sexuality though, so I'm not sure I even would've felt affected by it for most of my school life if it did get thrown my way.
As for the "everbody's a little bit bi" part, I didn't notice that within my social groups personally. That's one of the things where I feel like an emo/alt-clique would be more progressive as you said, since in my eyes they're already embracing the unconventional to some degree. It doesn't seem like a reach to then assume that bisexuality would also be an easier topic to tackle for the ones who already feel out of the norm. As for my friends, it's not really a topic that came up often. Sexuality in general, sure, but not anything out of expected heterosexual talk. I've been shown a fair few hot women in my time there and asked for my opinions on them, but I don't recall ever being asked anything like that about a man. I think that came less so from a place of them not accepting it or being actively homophobic, but it just wasn't their personal experience, so it wasn't even on their radar to bring anything like that up. I have to say having to comment on hot women in Mario and Luigi cosplay was a low point for my having to keep up the straight charade, though. There are limits! And I think the word you're looking for in terms of the people who like pop music and dress conventionally is called "basic". 😉
I can't say I've ever heard of Flobots (hence the "basic"), but I'll have to give them a whirl. If I may be so bold as to give you a recommendation of my own... there's a lesser known artist I very much appreciate called Xana, whose 2024 album I had on repeat for a good few months. Since you say you enjoy when artists show real emotion in their songs, I feel like she's one of those with a killer voice to boot. I also think she's very good at writing her songs in the form of a narrative and telling stories through that. If I'd give you any song from that album to try out, I'd say "15" is a good place to start and see if you feel like listening to more from there!
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@GirlVersusGame I really hope the peace talks lead somewhere, even if only to have you be able to sleep better! You've come across to me as a very empathetic person, so I'm not at all surprised that that's the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night. For what it's worth, I personally view the Russian government and the people of Russia as entirely separate things. In my experience with the few Russians I've met and befriended, not one supported what Putin is doing. Of course I imagine the support may be bigger in the mainland than with the ones who leave the country to live in Germany, but it's always good when people remind you that a country is not a hivemind. Like you said with how you feel right not to have been talked into hating the West, I feel very similarly with my opinions regarding countries that aren't in the West. It's easy to fall for the stereotypes and make your opinion of a country and all of its people accordingly, but that's never been the reality in my experience.
I'm happy to keep learning about your background more extensively, because everything you're slowly telling me is putting the pieces together for me on what I was previously somewhat confused about! That said, I totally understand that when you have privilege, it's not necessarily something you want to lead with. Especially when, like you said, you weren't born into a system that you even agree with to begin with. Again, I don't want to presume so correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like you can also easily start resenting the position you were born into. Some people of course take the cards they're handed and run with it not looking back, but you've given me ample examples that you will look critically at the position you're in and try whatever's within your capability to share the privilege with whoever you can. I think that's very respectable, and you don't strike me as someone who is boasting at all thanks to that. I think where nepotism usually gets negatively discussed is more so with the people who wish to not acknowledge the head-start they were given in life. I'm sure there's some who will say "eat the rich!" no matter what, but I think a solid distinction needs to be made between the people who are actively trying to keep the divide versus the people who ideally wish the divide wasn't there, like I feel you are.
Yeah, I definitely didn't clock the small key at all! Truly was just a piece of jewelry to me. I understand that type of "hiding in plain sight" with certain signs. Of course not that there's anything you need to hide, but in the sense that it won't really register except for the people it's meant to register with. This might be somewhat of a forced comparison, but it reminds me of when invisible minorities would have certain codes (whether verbal or material) that would sign to the other person that this is a safe person to approach. It seems to me that this is the same in a way, but the message is simply different. I would be lying if I say I've never fallen victim to the Hollywood concept of elites, but I'd like to think I've grown enough as a person to recognise that much like a country's people, no group shares every thought. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. The way you've described him makes him sound like a wise man and one that serves as the antithesis to the negative portrayal of the elite in media. It's horrible that you can't fully know what happened (even though it sounds like your gut feeling is the worst-case scenario), but I can imagine you're very proud of the man he was. You said you initially saw your move to the UK as a punishment, which is totally understandable to me when you grow up with certain views and values. I'm glad that he was able to share the perspective that he learned over the course of his life however. If I may be so crass, I'd say you're a better person for it and he left a very valuable impact on you.
Do you feel like part of the reason he moved you to the UK for schooling was also because of the danger? The way you described it sounds like that wasn't the primary reason for you, but I can imagine your family would've dealt with a very similar issue as the people who were sent there exclusively for safety reasons. I can't say I've ever seen Man on Fire, but I know it's a dramatic action film about the safekeeping of a child, so I think that already gives me enough of an inclination of what you're trying to get at there. It's fascinating to me to see you describe Moscow as having such a class divide, when the Western view of Russia is always heavily intertwined with the ideals of communism and/or socialism. I'm aware enough that it's natural to happen under any system of course, but I feel like it's hardly something that's discussed by Westerners when talking about Russian society. Of course you have first-hand experience with it, so I'm not even sure how noticeable it is for the average layman living in Russia, but I imagine they're no fools. Tourists might be easily under the impression that it's simply the police like you suggested, but I imagine citizens are more aware of the real goings-on, especially in a major capital like Moscow. That said, maybe I underestimate the effects of propaganda on a population, or maybe we overestimate how propagandised Russian society is. These are the kinds of thoughts that are so hard to differentiate from the Russian stereotypes you've been taught as a Westerner that I'm not even sure what the truth is there, but I have no doubt you might (hopefully) enlighten me there!
I'm super impressed that you speak seven, almost eight languages! Are they all on a fluent level, or just a few fluent while the rest is basic conversational? I always wished I was a polyglot, but then my educational acumen turned out to not be well-suited for intense language learning. I think having to keep up my Dutch while mostly speaking English and over time learning better and better German is keeping that part of my brain busy enough! As for your entry into and exit from the film world, it sucks to hear that your passion was so quickly extinguished. It's not surprising to me at all that when you're in that world of what is, essentially, constant transactions, it can start to feel very similar to the life you've already been forced to live and don't agree with. The fact that that can, in turn, ruin a hobby for you is a shame however, but shows to me that you try (and succeed) to live by a strong moral compass. To have the same thing happen in the music industry... and I imagine the same would happen in many industries, especially when you get closer and closer to the top of each. I think that's just an unfortunate reality of the world we're living in, and I'm not sure how that would or if that even could get better. I do believe as a general rule of thumb that the more power a person has within any setting, the more it'll corrupt them. I'm sure there's maybe a few exceptions you can point to here and there that people would argue are ethical people in power, but I think they're few and far between. It's just not human nature sadly, as much as I'd like to believe otherwise. It doesn't even need to be any politically or industry-leading position. Just look at how people can already act when they consider themselves an "online influencer" of some kind and feel invincible for the first time.
I never considered that gaming could be such a useful tool at letting you get out of your comfort zone and meeting new people of all walks of life. I'd seen it as a community-building experience of course. It's what brought all of us here after all, but I suppose I've never experienced building a community over gaming that was so filled to the brim with different views, values and diversity. Maybe that's just because I'll be in the European servers and you'll be hard pressed to find a European culture that is completely different from another, but when you're sandwiched in with the Europeans through sheer location, I can imagine you'll come across communities with entirely different worldviews to challenge you and how that can be priceless to someone who is open to that like yourself. The messages you've inserted however... yikes. When you come from a place of such genuine interest in other people and their lives only to be met with people who exclusively see you as a means to an end... it must be incredibly demoralising. The audacity of someone to ask you for 100.000 pounds! Not even US Dollars or Euros, but pounds! At least soften the blow by making it Canadian dollars (possibly a poorly timed joke). It goes to show that it doesn't matter which society you grow up in or what values you're taught, there'll be selfish people in any community. I'm so glad to see that you had the people from the Deep Web to support you in those moments and treat you like an actual human being. I don't know how well this person knew you, but hell, I've spoken on a deep level with you for only about a week now and know that's completely disrespectful to the person you are. Whether you then attribute those kinds of requests to selfishness, arrogance or ignorance... it's a lose-lose situation no matter what. If you keep these logs to remind yourself to look out for these kinds of people, then that's only a good thing. No one likes or deserves to be taken advantage of at all, let alone by people they considered close to them.
Well, if we can have one shared experience at least from the examples you gave of how nepotism has affected you, it's almost burning the kitchen down upon first try! My roommate prefers to let himself cook for both of us, as he knows I will somehow get 911 involved. I'm getting more competent with time! It's shocking to me to think you'd never tried anything as widely available as Coca Cola! If I understand correctly, that has more to do with the societal position you're in, right? I assume Coca Cola is available in Russia much like everywhere else. As for the story you gave with the invasion and your base building game, it sucks that people are so instantly reactive. Obviously, it's a very complicated situation and Westerners are more likely to take Ukraine's side in it (as I do), so the reaction is understandable to a degree. I think we lose the plot when it starts affecting Russians as a whole having a safe space in an online game, though. The fact that you weren't safely able to have the Russian flag colours without everyone assuming that you're supporting their cause in the invasion is just one of those examples where I feel like people tend to judge too quickly. It makes sense you'd have that as a knee-jerk reaction with how the server evolves to become inherently political with its flags and colours, but it's worth for people to take a step back and that not everything needs to directly relate to themselves or everything else going on.
Ohhh, it's very interesting to read of the dynamic where you questioning your husband is you questioning your parents. It makes total sense in a marriage and family like that, but I'd never seen it that way. Questioning your parents in the place you're in is, I'd presume, probably the most disrespectful thing you can do. I actually thought that metal music was a lot more political than you're telling me. I thought the appeal of it was a lot of "raging against the system" and such, but it sounds like it's a lot less politically challenging than that. Maybe I'm thinking more of genres such as punk or the like. This is where my limited music taste fails me!
I think it's dangerous to say that you "should" feel trauma from the grooming situation. I think the way you've experienced it where you still feel like you gained something valuable from the experience and can retroactively recognise the issues that were at play is honestly a way healthier way of dealing with it. It's understandable that you'd feel like you should feel more about it, since there are so many situations where people are downright traumatised from experiences like that and that shouldn't be diminished. Fact of the matter though, it sounds like your journey was simply different than theirs even if it shared a lot of the same characteristics, and ultimately you're better off for being able to move past it and talk about it so candidly.
It's funny that people will use the term "too smart for your own good" against you, when in reality it sounds more like they mean that you're too open-minded for your own good. It's a nice way of hiding the actual meaning within a double-sided compliment, but clearly you see it for what it is. But yeah, I think to some degree you need to be able to shut out the outer world when you have great wealth. Especially for someone who is as empathetic as you, there's a lot to empathise with that might eventually drive you crazy. The more you stick within that bubble where all is well and you're not personally running into the daily issues so many others have, the better. It's comfort. That's not to say that people with wealth don't work for it at all or all live entirely comfortable lives of course, but it's more so the privilege that's the comfort than anything else. As long as you didn't majorly screw something up, you always have the calming idea that you are pretty much set for life. Risk-aversion becomes less of a thing, which I think is what holds a lot of lower-class people back. There's not much worth risking if any wrong choice can set you back for life. As for the Dead Space copy, did you get to gift yourself that already? 😉
I'm not very familiar with the Chechens you mentioned, but I have heard a passing mention of that conflict here or there. I'm definitely not as worldly as you when it comes to knowing deeply about many different cultures! If I remember right though, I think there's quite a few more of those "fringe" ethnic groups that Russia feels the need to deal with, right? In these cases, I'm glad you're able to consume so many books! You being well-read seemingly has shaped a lot of the way you view the world... and what made your opinions possibly dangerous to the status quo you're living in. I'm glad to see that you prioritise the former over the latter though, even when your relatives would disagree with that position. You were questioned by the police while taking pictures of your Minecraft world? Was that related to each other or just what you happened to be doing at the time? I did see you mention (whether to me or someone else) that you recreate London within Minecraft for yourself just in case you would ever be unable to return. I'm thinking maybe it has to do with that, but I feel like I'm going down a rabbit hole here that will later be disproven, so I'll let you elaborate the situation!
When you say you feel it impossible to mix with the children of other business people, do you feel like your father's impact is what kickstarted that difference in your worldviews? I'm glad that your friend (who I'm assuming was the queer friend) had a more Americanized upbringing and was able to leave. It's clearly not that simple for you, so maybe you've been cursed to a degree with these kinds of worldviews while in a more restrictive environment. I think ultimately all for the better, but it must be very conflicting on a daily basis like that. And to add your empathy on top of that, I don't know if I'd personally be able to deal! It's easy to think that, but I suppose it's a very different story when it's all you've ever known. I just googled RRK, and I now totally see the kind of people that you're talking about. Funnily enough, one of my Russian friends follows the account (though she's definitely not of that status). That shows me already how well-known this type of person is within Russia, and I assume how much the lower-class will strive or admire such a lifestyle. It's undoubtedly different when you've been on the inside and see the actual inner workings of what that lifestyle entails, including the lack of any real connection as you said they're not actually friends.
When you say you can never go to a place like a museum alone in London, am I right in thinking you're then accompanied by some kind of security that keeps an eye on you? I assumed that your partner didn't follow you around all the time when you live between UK and Russia, but I might be wrong there. It's a shame that you've never been able to fully explore London due to the constraints put on you in whichever way. It's always seemed like an incredibly lively city from across the pond and one with plenty of opportunities. I suppose that's an interesting contrast in a way. Through your privilege, you are offered so many opportunities that regular folks will simply not get... but through your privilege, you're also withheld from enjoying the more simple pleasures of life that regular folks get to experience for free. People say money doesn't buy happiness, and I think that's both true and untrue. I think a lot of what regular folks struggle with and brings them unhappiness can be solved by money. Whether it's never having to worry about healthcare again or being able to treat yourself to a just-too-expensive item you've always wanted at an impulse. If you're a simple enough person that materialistic things and less stressed existence is enough, then sure, I think money can by all means buy you happiness. If you want to actively interact with the world and the people it has to offer however and not shed your empathy, then it sounds to me like it's very hard to balance both those worlds in a way that keeps you in a happy place. It sounds to me like you're more of the latter. Side note: I'm shocked you were in North Korea! I didn't realise Russia and North Korea was close in all honesty. That must've been a crazy experience.
I can understand what you're describing in terms of the "angry nanny" all too well. Not that I have a bad relationship with my own mother, but more so with certain relationships I've had. The men you mentioned you went on dates with who were scared. At the time you first told me this, I didn't fully understand the situation you're in, but am I right to assume now that it was your status and your family that scared them? I can't believe you've had fourteen friendships blow up already this year. I don't know how many of them were particularly close, but that's probably the same if not more amount of friends I've made in total living in Berlin! That kind of purge in a year would destroy my entire social circle. You said you're not going to search for friends anymore outside of the Deep Web, but is that something you've actively done and craved for a while then? Do you have a big social circle of people aside from the people you're expected to interact with? I think your lived experience of generational wealth being about being a property as much as anything else is pretty much what my own interpretation of it has been. I think I might understand it better than most simply because you're not the first I've interacted with of that status. I have a very close Filipino friend who was also born into a rich family. It's nothing like the dynamics that go on within your culture and way more Americanized, but over the long time I've known him you can definitely tell how it can affect a person. Yours is then just a way more extreme version of what he already struggles or benefited from. And I'm so sorry to hear about the friend who used you being one of the few you ever felt more than just friendly feelings for. I can't imagine how much harder that would've made the whole situation to stomach.
Reading about how you have wolves and bears at home made me chuckle a bit. The first time I feel like reading your responses where it actively played into Russian stereotypes! I'm glad that you have those animals to give you the sparkle, though. Animals truly are precious little beings. They can cheer up just about anyone (given the right animal, of course). Would you say Russian media censorship has gotten noticeably worse over time? I always assumed that it stayed fairly consistent, but you said that kids nowadays experienced a different world before being brought back into the censorship. I suppose maybe that has to do with the fact that the internet and social media evolved so rapidly and it was hard for censorship to keep up. That then just seems less like the censorship culture changing however and more like catching up to what should've been the status quo all along in that environment. I almost can't believe that they edited Rocky to be like that, but that is almost unintentionally funny even if the real-world implications of it are of course very bad.
You don't feel like I've made you even a little gayer? My influence is waning! Just kidding, of course, haha. I just think it's funny to play into that stereotype whenever someone brings it up exactly because it is so ridiculous. As I've said before, I haven't been turned even a little straighter through my interactions with the many, many, many.... many... straight people on this planet. And yeah, I'm sure I would subconsciously form an opinion on you if I passed you on the street, but I feel like being gay and being on the other side of that with people is exactly what has made me a lot less quick to judge and open in conversing. I don't want to be stereotyped by anyone, so I shouldn't do it to other people. When I catch myself doing it subconsciously, I actively stop myself from continuing that thought. Many girls have told me exactly what you just told me. You're far from alone with feeling safer with gay men than straight men exactly because you know you're not being sexualised in any way by them. I think it's why the trope of girls having a "gay best friend" is so prominent. It's nice to have someone who wants absolutely nothing from you but your personality, but is also outside of the typical girl culture that you can find plenty friends of as a woman. I suppose it can be a bit of a peek into the male psyche without all the baggage that comes from it! I think in my experience, being gay has also helped me have better friendships. Women might be interested in my gender, but we both know they don't stand a chance and so there's no fear of anything developing. Most men are straight, so there's no fear of anything happening there either. The only place where that kind of stuff would be any thought is among gay friends. And there... well, without going into much detail... let's say gays are very sexually open if you catch my meaning. Not that it's like that with all gay friends of course, but it's not generally something to be worried about.
I did really enjoy the soundtrack of Alan Wake II! I'll have to refresh my memory on the particular song you mentioned, but there's great stuff all around. How cool that a song so meaningful to you ends up in pop culture again after such a long time. I love when that kind of stuff happens. The flowers look so cute! Stereotypically, I love the pink. I think it's hard to see from the picture exactly how big they are, but if you're telling me they're bigger than yourself I'll believe that. I got some flowers at work as a win in a raffle and let's just say... they were not pretty like this. Also, they were fake flowers. In a cheap pot. I'll take what I can get, haha. I have no clue what this EXIF data is you're talking about, but I'm going to assume it's some stuff in a picture that makes the location easier to track or whatever!
I'm glad you've finally been able to catch some real sleep again. I've never really experienced jet lag as the furthest I've traveled is just a country away, but I think I wouldn't handle it well myself. Four different countries in six days is insane! I don't think you're sounding ungrateful. I think you're reasonably reacting to a life with limitations. Of course you would ache for more freedom, just like regular folks will yearn for more access. The sad thing is that it's hard to have you cake and eat it too. You're likely always going to be stuck with some wants of the other side, and I think it'd be unfair to say you wouldn't deserve to feel that way simply because you have certain privilege. Like I said before, privilege in one thing doesn't mean that you have the privilege to do everything. Everything is a transaction. I'm so happy to hear that you've enjoyed our talks and find my interest refreshing. Like I said, I'm not a very worldly person who knows much about different kinds of cultures that aren't the typical Western ones, but I find the subject intriguing. When given the opportunity, I love to interact and learn more about other people and their lives, and you've been a fascinating person to talk with for me. One of my dreams was always to be a documentarian on a social level. Just talking to people, hearing their stories and engaging with their cultures. I think it's how we grow as people and become better off for it as a result. Here's to many more messages and thousands of words for as long as we don't get sick of each other!
P.S. If you ever drop off the face of the site, I'll definitely take you up on that offer and contact (harrass) Furious to share your GoodReads! It's been a pleasure talking with you.
@Tjuz Hi Tjuz I hope you had a good a weekend, I'm definitely going to read through this and reply with the help of morning coffee, thank you. Four in the AM is about ten minutes away.
I have my coffee and I'll read what you said but I need to mention something and it will sound crazy but it relates to my theory of what wealth actually can do to the mind. It focuses primarily on empathy.
@Tjuz aha, there you are. You are much better than me at this whole talking to new people on the internet thing, so I even kept reading through your comment to GvG (partial skim reading at times, come on now I can't be reading all that while also getting ready to reply to you) but I think it was exceptionally well written and I think it sums up how people should see the world and pretty much how I see the world in relation to the things mentioned.
Right, now replying to you. Firstly I will of course now refer to you as a 'basic B****' if that isn't leaning too much on the cultural appropriation side of things 😛 your witty response to me was both perfectly timed and appreciated, so I can but attempt to return the favour.
And I will check out Xana some time, post something in the music thread like a YouTube link of those songs, perhaps. I have no problem with pop artists or whatever they may be. I just usually consume pop from one source... eurovision 😅 (this Ravix sounds suspiciously gay to me, lads) A real 'guilty pleasure' but I usually pick up 2/4 songs I love enough to add to a forever playlist. Cornelia Jakobs is probably my favourite so far. An absolutely broken, raw but gorgeous voice and her entry 'Hold me closer' is my absolute perfect emo-pop combination.
The nearly everyone was a little bi remark, I really can't stress how mad it was. Like the height of the greek or roman empire, but with dyed hair, peircings and converse. I thought maybe even I could be, who knew unless given the right circumstances or liquid persuasion, but I was presented with a choice and then I knew I wasn't. So, you know... Unlucky, mate 😛 it does help one understand sexuality a whole lot more when you have things like this happen though, because there are people in the world convinced it is just something we choose. And that is only ever in the court of those that are bi. And even then the choice is still going to be based on specific connections and attractions under specific circumstances. It isn't just 'I could choose anyone so I will choose anyone' it is still biological, chemical and emotional. It is also a great put down to those bigots who think like that, as you can twist them in loops about whether they chose to be straight and how choices are usually based on open options between multiple things, meaning gay was always a possibility for them to choose. And they hate the type of thinking where their own ideas are turned on them. I also quite liked making those typesnfeel uncomfortable and have on multiple occasions faux flirted and presented people with something they aren't prepared for when they are being genuienly homophobic. It probably was never a smart thing to do, but seeing them squirm at how uncomfortable they are with their sexuality is kind of awesome and it disarms them most times.
Oh and Just to clear up, the bad language came 100% from the chav/jock side, and when I realised, then it was anyone with the sort of same experience as me that i'd also encourage to learn to move away from that kind of throwaway stuff that was programmed into our everyday foul language. There was maybe a few giggling emo girls that would sometimes try and 'break the rules' by saying silly stuff, but that was mostly immaturity and them getting kicks out of that type of behavior (sounds almost an impossibity to say giggling and emo, but it's not like everyone was sad all of the time, most of the time it was like regular youth when actually hanging out, just with the potential to get very messy very quickly. And then 'after hours' when everyone is kind of trapped at home with nothing to do is when it got most deep and you'd get a real sense of what was really going on in everyone's minds. And from that is where the deepest connections came from and the strongest bonds were formed. But I digress)
A lot to unpack @GirlVersusGame but I feel we are more understanding of what we were each talking about now, at the very least. Some things still maybe a little crossed, as it wasn't just the relationship part, but some of the other stuff from earlier which I think is kind of seperate. It did maybe get a bit mixed together with everything else though. Not worth me mixing it up further though, as either way I understand more now, so I will focus on the latest conversation. (I write this part from the future before I am about to post the whole, very long post - thank you for the kind words, I was going to address that aspect after all the other stuff, but i've hit the wall and it has been so long since the earlier face wetting moment that I have regained composure and back to my weird normal self. And yes, in those times it may have been tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world even with some mistakes and lapses, most were smaller scale thankfully, as we learn from this to make ourselves better. And I did get better in some ways, even at the time. And so now we continue on to the more exciting fare that Inhave already written before hopping back to write this bit)
1. I might well laugh, and you might too... but, yes, I actually do have that. And I am fully aware. I am not very adept at using, nor have the desire to conform to all the particulars, the roles, and the full on ceremony and practice of it like those you will have known and met, the whole club scene, for example. But yes, there is definitely an accepted power that can come from within caring, and a caring within power. And it is more a natural instinct than a practice. Okay so it is actually hard to put in words in a 'family friendly forum' which is maybe in part where some confusion arose at the beginning, even Tjuz I think had that moment where they weren't exactly sure if you were eluding to exactly what you were, perhaps. But yes, erm, family friendly... And I agree it isn't anywhere on the masochist side of things, or sadist, and definitely no desire to inflict pain... beyond an established threshold for those that do like it, although (again awkward times ahead) let me say that I do not shy from a little pain myself, but my own instincts are to, when it is known to be desired, take the role you first suggested. Let's say i'm not quite a full modern Nintendo console that is both handheld and plugged in (hopefully you get a laugh from that one) but again, I don't adhere to strictly defined roles in any form of life, or practise it in such detailed ways that you do. Maybe I am actually too boring 😱 but any type of conformity is really hard for me to adhere to, even conforming to a defined role in this... less boring way. Other peoples safety is definitely important, and empathy certainly helps with that, but tbh it is nowhere near the levels where that could ever be a problem anyway. And it is not controlling in a way as some may think, if anything it is more intensely the opposite, simply being intune to someone's needs "Come on, don't beat around the bush", yells Tjuz as he reads through this (gotcha 😛) So yes, I may be too goofy and weird to commit to a scene 24/7 in the same way that you do. But I also am not goofy 100% of the time behind closed doors. And yes, I think the level you go to I probably wouldn't ever assume was a regular occurrence so maybe that played into my other instincts being triggered a bit, too. Overall it is quite funny really. Again, I still find it overtly weird at how standardised everything is in this particular community that we are referencing. As a creative, I kind of bring that to all aspects of life, so boundaries (i may have chosen the wrong word as boundaries are probably the exact word you would use for defining safety) are less defined and I am a more a freeform person. If we are to nerd it up a bit D&D (dungeons and dragons, clearly. Slightly tweaking a code you use) is also something natural and enjoyable to me as someone that likes to be challenged... mentally 👀... Again, in a loosely defined way, it is more a 'vibe felt' with someone, rather than a structured 'scene'. I wouldn't attempt what you have, but I occasionally visit similar themes that you explore.
2. Does it seem intense to me? Yes and no. I think the full commitment to a role is intense, regardless of what anyone is committing to. (I really wish i'd added my movie section comment for a little mysterious context. Look out for that mess another day) Where it doesn't seem intense is because I have always been used to incredibly intense, loving, emotional, visceral relationships and have explored some of those themes within some already intense relationships. But I think living that way completely would be way too draining. I'll throw in an 'especially when you are someone that kind of only finds true (I want to say 'satisfaction' but in a none sexual way at this moment in time to set the scene, which is awkward after the current dialogue) but yes, satisfaction emotionally, mentally, and all the different things that can entail... when there are many people involved. I am someone that can sometimes find myself... not bored...but not fully engaged (satisfied) unless many different facets of my own personality and tastes are being catered to, and usually that requires multiple different people with strong personalities. (I mean even talking to people like you and Tjuz now, it stimulates me far more mentally than everyday routine type conversations, and it is why I insert my weirdness everywhere, I want people I talk to to be enthralled and to enthrall me) This was part of the basis for my whole non-standardised boring hollywood romance post, it is that people are told they have to be in this set relationship that adheres to a certain stereotype, and for a lot of people that just leads to break ups as one or both get bored or are not challenged enough by this set up, and then someone ends up hurting the other emotionally when it could be avoided by having the open style-on/off relationship be more of a common thing. My example doubles down on an emotional level to make the point so we will move away from the other aspect for now, but two people can be madly in love, some time later they are no longer madly in love and things fall apart, and then after more time someone else is met and they fall madly in love. That is a sequence, but the love in both cases is 100% as real as can be. But if you asked the first couple if they saw themselves with another partner in 2 years time, of course they would say no, yet it is the most common thing for that to happen. It isn't rare. So what if we call them soulmates. Was only one the soul mate, is it the current or the previous? Was one a false soul mate? No. Things just changed, but what you felt was just as real. So now what if people realise they have this happening, but not in sequence, but all at once, is it any less real to feel that mutually with 2 or 3 people at the same time? No, it is not. That was part of the basis of my 'thesis' on standardised romance anyway. and one from personal experience. I just find it so weird that it isn't normalised. It is a little bit more seen now, but I think overall people would be better off if they knew early that it is okay to not find love only in sequences. Obviously the logistics can be a nightmare, and i'm not a great example for positive outcomes in the long run, haha, but there are plenty of open or on/off relationships that do last the test of time, right? But, omg, honestly, the pressure I got from my best friend to just pick one person I liked most was pretty nuts, when you know how all-in I am emotionally as a person anyway, and give all of myself, and my mate is like "yeah but... you just have to pick" anytime I saw him. Or just "oooh did you see... redacted, yesterday" ... yes. "Oooh, Did you see... redacted 2 today?" Sigh...yes. just as he knew it would wind me up, and this lasted for a good few years 🙈 like at this point we were well into the college/job and house party years of our self-destructive 'youths', and I won't even mention when there was then a third addition, ffs. Maybe i'm just a bad person, although there was never any cheating or lies, there was just never any full commitment from me at that time because there was never a plausible choice to me. It was what it was. It may seem greedy or stupid to an outsider, but I gave so much and probably wore myself out emotionally in this phase too. And this is after, but kind of continued on top of the other stuff we talked about earlier. Like all of that was still a thing, at times, into adulthood we were all still very emo people even as hormones settled (erm, do they ever!?) and I was still occasionally the emotional support dog for anyone I sensed needed it 😕 (suppose I still am, just way less active) And I honestly think I could only be stretched so far (that's what Tjuz said 🙈 apologies for that unexpected and awfully crass, presumptive joke that I hope you may have read and spat your tea out at as it is made with the intention of carrying on our jests. And if Tjuz didn't read it... boo, but I believe at this point we can all joke about anything, and if not, I withdraw it completely and apologise 😅)
So yeah, it does seem intense to me for you to be so fully committed and absorbed into your roles, but also... not, as in I can understand some mild aspects of it. But it really is quite late and I have gone completely mad in the 'overshare club' and trailed off. If there was any other points I was going to reply to i've missed them, too.
Both this and The Music Thread got completely away from me, so if anyone directed something @ me and I didn't answer, it is not a snub! I just couldn't keep up
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