Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Th3solution @FuriousMachine It truly is a song that will stick with you forever whether you want it to or not! Like Sol said, Kristin Chenoweth was a great origin for the character and song... but I do really love Ariana Grande's performance in the film and the song. You'll have to let us know once you eventually get around to watching the films! I'm biased as a musical fan as well as someone who had wanted to watch Wicked in some form since being a child, but I loved the duology.

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@GirlVersusGame Haha! I didn't make the connection with Tartarus at all, so the loophole still works swimmingly. That's a fun fact. I'll have to keep an eye out for that in case you ever mention tartar sauce again! Crazy that even just the definition of sexism is getting blocked in results for you. I suppose it's hard to feel oppressed when you can't know what you're up against on a theoretical level. The fact that you felt the need to Google the definition because you'd only ever assumed previously is enough proof of that. Many wouldn't even have your resources to do any of that, nor did you actually manage to get it through yourself instead of a third party! What did you think the definition of it was if not related to discrimination?

I did mostly get my morals from my parents, despite us still obviously disagreeing on certain views. My mother is a lot more open-minded than my father ever was, though I feel like he's grown a lot in recent years to be more mindful of his language and other people's identities. I think my coming out had a lot to do with that. I do agree with Amber in how she speaks on sexism and the way raising is based on your gender in your experience. It's not something that's exclusive to your society I'd say, but I think there's a lot less boundaries within Western culture in terms of what you are and aren't allowed to do based on your sex. I do understand where that type of raising originates from, and I wouldn't even say it's as much sexism as it is stereotyping. If it was just sexism against women, I'd argue boys wouldn't equally be expected to fit into one particular niche. That said, it does often evolve into sexism towards women or even men if they eventually do choose to break out of that.

I think the definition of normalising doesn't need to be inherently negative, but it is most often used when talking about the ''wrong kind'' of behaviours. A more positive example of normalising would be in my personal thought process when realising I was gay. It wasn't normal to me because I hadn't grown up with role models around me or it even being talked about near me, so I also had to go through a similar process of normalising what being gay meant. In that case, it was all for a net positive, though I'm sure there's plenty of folks out there who might argue the opposite. But like I said, most often normalising is associated with something negative, as I would personally argue it is in your case. I'd never tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do either however. Ultimately, your life needs to feel right for you, and for as long as you're comfortable in what you've normalised and don't feel actively hurt by certain behaviors or those around you, I'm in no position to speak on what might feel immoral to me.

I will say I received the file and am making my way through it! I just don't have a lot of free time to read, so it's taking me a while. The only time I have much free time is on Wednesdays like these where I'm at the office practically doing nothing, but here I don't have access to it as I know it has sensitive information and I don't just want to bring that into public places with me. So, forgive me for the slow pace, but I will get back to you on it! I'd definitely say that you are desensitized to a lot too. I'd say that comes with positives and negatives all the same. Many people have it as a trauma response, which you could argue you might too. It doesn't feel like trauma only because your mind has convinced you not to acknowledge it as such. Like I shared with you privately, I'm sure I've dealt with the same in some recent events. In my opinion, it doesn't affect me negatively, but there's no going around the fact that it can also result in people bottling up extreme feelings that will ultimately do more harm than good. I don't think you're in that camp. I think you're only desensitized to the point you need to be to live more comfortably, and as long as that's working for you, again, there's no shame in it. Sometimes it is just like that.

I'm always happy to hear how you're treated much better by your current partner. If you were still with the old one you've told me plenty a story about, I'm sure I wouldn't be as positive in my opinions. I'm glad to hear you're picking up Krav Maga again! There's no doubt a lot of fun in punching and kicking guys... even if it doesn't take down the patriarchy or anything like that, haha. I'm not quite the house pet like Ravix might be a bunny, but I think you're be surprised by a lot of my day-to-day and dynamics with the people closest to me. There's a lot I haven't told you that I've had to deal with in the last few years. Not because I don't trust you or anything, but simply because it's a hard topic for me to bring up. Sometimes I do feel like a house pet, let's just say for now. Maybe I'll elaborate on it in private.

I do think sexism has shaped your point of view. There's no way it hasn't in the system you've grown up in. Most importantly though, you're curious to learn about the origins and the effects of it it has had. That's already more than a lot of people stuck in that environment would dare to question. You're already a step ahead on that one, and I think that will make you less vulnerable to it in the long-term. Or at least, you might recognise it when it's happening and either actively choose to participate in it or reluctantly understand what's happening. Like you said, you're not really able to rock the boat in any meaningful way, but even simple understanding will help you. Maybe one day there will be a reason for you to rock the boat, and even if not, you'll have known the life you lived rather than stumbled blindly through it none the wiser. Germany is a lot better in equal wages for both sexes, but it's still an issue that persists in the Western world. Not as prominently since there's laws against it nowadays, but we'll still have the occasional exposé about it.

You're right in that I was raised to be a lot more independent than you are. It helps that I was always a bit of a social butterfly/hungry for attention, so I was also never scared to put myself out there. I've had my issues with building that independence, but it ultimately still doesn't come anywhere near the life you were born into living. I wish I'd already be further along and have that boyfriend you speak of, though! There is equality within Germany in terms of the job market. There's no reason there couldn't be a female firefighter. It's still a male-dominated field, but no one is rejected simply for their sex. Personally, I've been through a lot, so even though I would have the ability for prospects within society, I've somewhat lost sight of it or any ambition. It still feels like I'm in survival mode, even with the much larger amount of freedom offered to me by the society I live in. I'm equally living on the day-by-day. You could argue that's been by choice or the cards handed to me over my lifetime, but the reality is that's what it feels like. I've seriously had to consider going back into therapy myself recently and possibly trying anti-depressants for the first time. Maybe that would help me put myself out there again and have dreams, or even function on a more regular basis. I'd be lying if I said that this general lack of functioning hasn't been part of my unresponsiveness towards you in private or even on here. My mind is just incredibly inconsistent when it comes to motivation to do anything at all, so it has nothing to do with you. You might be interested to research ''chronic depression'', which I was diagnosed with years ago and might give you more insight on part of what I tried to allude to before in how there's quite a lot I haven't told you.

I'm sorry to hear about that situation in UAE. That definitely puts a lot more perspective into what happened. It is sexism, and it sucks that there was no solidarity. Unfortunately, solidarty is simply not a given. Least of all with people in your position born into such systems. I'm not surprised she told on you. It's a perfect example of what I was mentioning before however. How your growing awareness already puts you ahead of many. This woman you speak of clearly doesn't feel like she has either the power to question at all or hide any thoughts from their partner. She's clearly a lot more controlled by this person, and in her case, I'd speak about her situation a lot more negatively than yours. Once you've reached that point too, it becomes that much harder to break out of those taught behaviours. You have the term gay rights correct, and yes, my friends do often discuss plenty of topics like that. The kind of stuff that you would be reprimanded for even thinking about. It's never our main topic of discussion, but we have the freedom to discuss any topic as we see fit. I've been to plenty of queer protests/parades with them as well. The kind of places you would never be afforded the freedom to go to, nor would maybe even want to. I think the same goes for your girlfriend, despite her more vocal nature.

I had no clue the types of roles women are expected to film within your society match real-life in the military. It makes sense, but I'd never bothered to make that connection, I suppose. That's very interesting. Also, very interesting that Buffy helped changing your view on friendships, whether they be curated or not. I haven't seen it myself, but I know it's often considered a very feminist show (at least for its time). The fact that it had any positive effect on you like that just shows the power of media, even if it's not specifically the feminism you reacted to as much as the focus on friendships. It sucks that your time with the Day-Z clan didn't work out in the end. Especially since you said they were within the same system and likely knew your situation. Even then, they couldn't be understanding only because it inconvenienced them. All for sexism until it negatively affects them in whatever minor way, I guess. It doesn't reflect well on them either way, no matter how annoying it might've been at the time on a gaming-level to be down one person or a good gun. And yeah, 600 contacts is a lot! I think my Steam account of 13 years has just about 180, haha. That's even including the times where I almost exclusively played multiplayer games!

Yeah, for me gaming is a fun hobby. As soon as it becomes competitive or a task, I'm not having fun. This is why nowadays even with multiplayer games, I will simply not play them if I feel like there's either high skill expected from me or much dedication. I'm just here to log in, have a good time with friends and log out. It's not even about de-stressing as much as gaming not stressing me. It's also why I don't like to play single-player games that have a reputation of being hard. I'm not here to overcome obstacles, deal with toxicity or be annoyed. Anything that makes me feel anything like that, I'm peacing out on quickly. You shouldn't feel bad about running those people who were awful to you in circles regarding the hand-outs. It's the least they deserve, and actually quite funny in my opinion. You can't treat a person like they did you and then expect you to respect them. It might have worked with some for a while, but I'm glad you got a little bit of revenge in the end. It's a shame that it resulted in the loss of any social network for you at the time, but it was good riddance when it comes to them. I'm glad that it didn't affect you in any meaningful way either, because the complicated feelings you might've gotten from it otherwise would've been a pain in the butt to deal with, I'm sure. You can only miss people when you've had a genuine relationship with them... and you do with those people you care for. These were not those people, so they're not worth a second thought.

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@Tjuz This was another one of those all night/next day type replies. Or longer, I've jumped time-zones again and now it's apparently the weekend again.

I suppose it's hard to feel oppressed when you can't know what you're up against on a theoretical level.

(this is probably going to be long, I have hours to myself tonight, I'll keep a copy if it gets removed for saying the wrong thing)

• That's exactly it, I don't see it at all even right now as in today and you know from private what my daily routine is. I said it was intense to people in that dynamic, even they think it's too much and offers no downtime. Intensity is my downtime, it's just reversed. I see it as part of every day normal life, factual you might say but I understand the difference between acceptance and wishing the same on another person and I think that's important. I'd see it differently if I were out there depending on society and everything that goes with it like employment. I'd like to have that conversation with my friend if she ever surfaces. I still don't know how she managed to set-up her own business in such a short amount of time. She was offered help from my side and never accepted. All I can think is it was pre-built in America, we never talked business.

I think it's fair to say that Saint Petersburg and Moscow are slightly worlds apart, the former is maybe more open to certain change and had she tried that in Moscow it might not have worked. It's sort of like people live in Saint Petersburg and they survive in Moscow. Both have similar structure and laws but the former is more relaxed for tourists and more of a doorway to the West. Moscow is more competitive and corporate, one hundred percent business, the energy is entirely different. If a business deal went wrong in her city it's settled in the boardroom, in Moscow it's settled on the streets, a different kind of response and accepted because we're the Wild Wild East, she didn't want that. She could have lived in either city and picked that one for a reason, some people don't like that level of intensity, it's all I know.

I can't name one female in my circle that works, they aren't lazy they just aren't allowed. It would be seen as (this will be very hard to word properly) as if their Partner isn't successful enough and so he sends his girl out there to bring home her own cut. And if that job involves being around others it's 'who's looking at her? and is she looking at them?' I saw that with my Ex, I learned early not to look at anyone at all when we were out, he saw it as something else so I'd pick a point on the table or the floor and focused on that.

There's a word for it I'm sure. That's the mentality, and perhaps that's oppression too. with my Partner it's different, I'm virtually invisible unless he says so, and I prefer that because mentally I only register he and I. It's calming. I'd say certain levels of Control exist like that in all of those relationships but I don't see a lot of people my own age, it's very rare. Mostly weddings and funerals, I know the drill from observing behavior. I think it's easier to justify oppression when you feel like you purchased that person, what I call boys with toys. Most of those guys are married, even my Dad had multiple girlfriends but to the best of my knowledge he was good to them. I met a couple over the years, I know why they were with him. I'm sure an arrangement like that puts pressure on a person to be available etc. They aren't available if they are out working some kind of a job even as a distraction.

I don't know how to explain it because it's a mindset and normalized. I'm struggling to think of even one person who breaks that mold and I can't think of one. Nor can I say that I see the same girl all that often, a revolving door of sorts like all of my nannies. It's similar to that. If one sticks around long enough then maybe they are given a nightclub or something but it doesn't mean they are there, it's sort of like a distraction? like a paper position, something in your name but you don't work there. The overall difference is that they depend on their Partners for everything, obviously for funds too. I don't in that way. It's not how you say transactional, where we are now is in my name not his. But for others it's very different and that's very common in Russia. That whole marry a wealthy boyfriend thing.

He's not with me for normal reasons either and he doesn't want me for my Minecrafting skills or more movie trivia, it's like how you were taken aback when I originally said I talk vocally for maybe fifteen minutes per day. There's nothing to talk about, he enjoys that sense of presence and the kind of unconditional companionship that goes with it. All of that can be accomplished in blissful silence. Those others would be on a payroll of sorts, is my girlfriend? yes most definitely. I didn't randomly meet her somewhere, she's not oppressed and that's solely down to her actual Role. If she were of a different role then yes that would one hundred percent be oppression and I wouldn't do that to someone.

The fact that you felt the need to Google the definition because you'd only ever assumed previously is enough proof of that. Many wouldn't even have your resources to do any of that, nor did you actually manage to get it through yourself instead of a third party!

• I haven't seen Google in so long, I liked it too, it reminded me when there were different holidays/seasons etc because the homepage would often highlight things like that and sometimes it was animated. My current browser gives me security alerts, very different. Google was educational and well done. I've broken onto Yahoo a few times but it's ancient and full of nonsense about celebrities. I don't understand why someone would care so much about another person's life when they have their own to life, it's very strange.

I'm not on any public carriers anymore, like how you might use a phone to make a call? In England it would be someone like Vodafone, mine is private with no outside line which means things like Google can be entirely locked out. There are texts too but they only work on that same carrier and with specific contacts. I get through by using virtual machines then piggybacking onto networks that the guys elsewhere provided. If not for them I'm not sure how I'd do it, virtual networks only go so far now, especially when now it's device specific and mine keep being changed as technology improves. Amber and I were joking a couple of nights ago about Morse code or paper cups with some string. We would need a maybe five thousand mile length of string, hopefully it doesn't come to that. I can't see that happening. They'd always find a way to get back in touch, I'm not worried.

What did you think the definition of it was if not related to discrimination?

• Sexism? I thought it meant looking your best at all times and being seen as a sexual object through expectation while also being available for said reasons which is fine if the person agrees to it, but not if it's forced. That might sound intense but I think that's normal. I'd mixed sexism up with sexualization, they look similar in name/word. No one is with me for the same reason most relationships work and I'd never assume that they were. I didn't know it meant discrimination. It's because it had the word s-x in there and my understanding of s-x is physical, while I see gender as mental. Hence why I thought it was normal when you described gender as being fluid, it's the mind of the person not the physical body. If you said 'kat I feel like mentally I'm X Y or Z', then so? Good for you that means you know who and what you are. I see that as assertive. If you said 'kat I don't know who I am', that would be concerning because you have to live with you. I never thought about it before but if you knew or suspected you were gay then technically you did experience that for a time?

That might be an odd way to look at gender, that's why when you mentioned transpeople I wasn't phased. It's their mind not their body and I have no say over either, hence more power to them. No one ever mentioned sexism to me before, it would have been counterproductive to my upbringing and learning had they. Discrimination sounds more like an umbrella as in 'all' and I wouldn't like someone to have discriminated against my friend. Though maybe they did and I didn't see it, I could have missed a lot with her and maybe that's why she never resurfaced. I wouldn't have liked to see her sexualized either, even-though she was very pretty. I'd prefer she had the choice.

My mother is a lot more open-minded than my father ever was, though I feel like he's grown a lot in recent years to be more mindful of his language and other people's identities.

• That's the reverse of my parents, my Mum is one hundred percent old school but my Dad was more Western in his thinking. He was the one who said it was fine if I liked both genders (I know now there are more but I say both because I'll never realistically know the many others) He respected my friend too and she was female, they had some kind of connection. She had it with my StepPapa too, I don't know why but my Mum didn't like her at all. She doesn't like most people unless they are of the same thinking. If closed-minded is the opposite then that most certainly fits. She likes to build much higher walls, literally.

I think my coming out had a lot to do with that.

• How does that work? Did you one day reach an age and have to tell them both or they didn't already know or have deep suspicions? Parents seem to know their children inside out. With me it was just 'can I also date girls?' because I'd been watching and listening to so much t.A.T.u. then within maybe a day later I was sent a text back and was told it was fine as long as it was both. I'm not sure how old I was, maybe twelve or thirteen. I think it was easier because it was both, had it been 'I only like girls', that would have been a serious problem. I can't even envision that having been the case, maybe I'd have been rewired until I did like both. Or one, who knows. It's how you say, all bets are off? I don't know how it would have worked and I knew I'd have my first real Partner at the age of consent, sort of like streamlined, so no time is wasted on looking for one myself. That's why I asked if your parents chose a Partner for you, now I know they don't.

I do agree with Amber in how she speaks on sexism and the way raising is based on your gender in your experience. It's not something that's exclusive to your society I'd say, but I think there's a lot less boundaries within Western culture in terms of what you are and aren't allowed to do based on your sex.

• That makes sense. It's sort of like living in a different time-line where things that aren't normal now to everyone else is normal to us and there will be no changing in the near future or there would have been by now. It's all being more reinforced to preserve that way of life. We're so insular that no outside influence can spur change. More-so now that our Nation as a whole is so closed off.

I do understand where that type of raising originates from, and I wouldn't even say it's as much sexism as it is stereotyping. If it was just sexism against women, I'd argue boys wouldn't equally be expected to fit into one particular niche. That said, it does often evolve into sexism towards women or even men if they eventually do choose to break out of that.

• Break out? That's absolutely not an option for either. I can't envision that at all. You mean live like you? (not saying that in a rude way, you just caught me off guard with that) that's impossible unless they make a Tjuz Simulator and put it on the store or on Steam. I'd pre-order. It's a life you are born into, it's forever and so is Family. As a Nation I don't know if it's possible, laws and regulations tightened almost overnight. It wasn't just gay people who fled, it was people who wanted freedom. My friend would probably have fled regardless of sexuality, her thought process was different, unrestricted. She didn't like having security around, was against firearms and didn't even like having a driver. She'd vanish for a day like I said before, she couldn't stay inside so long, it got to her that much. I'm told to brand her and people who left as traitors, I don't. I understand why they might not want to live under certain restrictions. If tomorrow all of your gaming networks, social medias and every foreign site you used was suddenly banned, you too might want to leave? Music too. I grew up with restrictions so I understand it, every day was the Cold War but people like my friend didn't. Most people flee their home because a foreign power invade, not the other way around.

I think the definition of normalising doesn't need to be inherently negative, but it is most often used when talking about the ''wrong kind'' of behaviours.

• I see this now maybe, the wrong is harder to see than knowing it's possible.

A more positive example of normalising would be in my personal thought process when realising I was gay. It wasn't normal to me because I hadn't grown up with role models around me or it even being talked about near me, so I also had to go through a similar process of normalising what being gay meant.

• Did you use Google to understand? are there gay forums, I'd imagine like gaming there must be. Movies and maybe TV shows too. I think being gay is normal (I'd never say that offline) I say that because I was told being gay is wrong but like I said before 'because it is', answers nothing. So I never saw it as a sufficient reason. Had I been given reasons then maybe my mind would have adopted those reasons and we wouldn't be having this conversation. I'd ask offline again except I'm genuinely worried that I'd come out of the experience believing something else, so I'd rather believe you. It might sound ridiculous to say that your thinking can be altered like that, it almost was at Christmas. I'd rather be cautious and listen to the human approach. There's no opening for free thinking when another person does it for you, or rather when they embed their thinking into yours.

Do you have gay role models now? and by role model do you mean someone you look up to who's been through the same thing and came out wiser and stronger for their experience? I might have the meaning confused. Someone said Lady Gaga was a gay role model and possibly others who I can't remember. That's pretty bad when I can only think of one, maybe Prince? I think he was gay? or maybe Queen, Katy Perry too. I can't think of any in a game either, maybe Life is Strange, I played that a couple of months ago. Maybe two of them. That Morrissey concert was the only time I saw two guys kissing , it's still very wow, I haven't seen that since. I mean that respectively.

I'd never tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do either however. Ultimately, your life needs to feel right for you, and for as long as you're comfortable in what you've normalised and don't feel actively hurt by certain behaviors or those around you, I'm in no position to speak on what might feel immoral to me.

(I was stuck on this for an hour or two and had to give a tame example to explain why)

• I think it feels right because I've seen the difference between worst case scenario and best case scenario and it might take a psychopath for a person to have that realization. This text is one of countless examples of past versus present. Think of how many times you use the word 'I' or me 'me' in text or in a vocal conversation, now imagine going over a year without either. I had to. One day my Ex said I used both too much. I'd made a request for something, not physical, not a thing, more like some of his time and tried to justify why in writing. He said I'd focused too much on what I wanted and not what he wanted then removed the 'I' and 'me' from what I wrote, followed by removing both from me. Which is easier said than done, everyone uses those words. He managed to convince me that I still used both when I'm certain I didn't. You don't argue with a person like that, I didn't. Ravix had no clue who I was talking to, that's why, it still happens and probably did fifty times while writing this. I'm blind to it now.

You asked why I spoke a specific language fluently, a weird one. He's why and my tutor never made any issue about what he saw, so that added to 'this is normal'. If I mentioned the poem? that's when it happened. I'd spent three days on that one poem, I was one hundred percent sure it had neither 'I' or 'me' and my ink was perfect, but all it took was one 'wrong' and I believed him. I wish I'd had a copy today, I could proof read it with a clear mind of my own. By ink I mean fountain pens, if it was messy that was also an infraction and meant writing the same line of text over and over again for one hundred times. He had a binder of lines, I slipped up that much. It's supposed to teach a person how to perfect their writing etc, or so he said. I think he did it because he could. I only used writing for my pen-pal, she didn't care for perfection and now I know they make pens where the ink can't spill.

It was a couple of years ago but even today as in right now I second guess myself when I use either of them, that's real power over a person. Every single time I use 'I' or 'me' on here I stop for that brief amount of time to try to reword something. He's gone but that part isn't. I don't think he needed to do that.

He was worse case scenario, a conversation like this or anything meaningful wasn't possible. Best case scenario is the man who spent two years putting 'I' and 'me' back in, he didn't have to but he thought what happened was wrong. Now I confuse you and your because every day for two years 'you are you', even today. It got to him that much. I was very far gone before I met him, he's why I started talking again, I'd normalized not talking at all. I can see that part as negative normalization, the rest not so much because it was goal orientated and relied strongly on rules and regulation.

I have to be grateful for him and for today, anything short of gratitude would be entitlement. Perhaps people feel entitled to a happy safe life? I think the reality is that not even wealth guarantees either. I was with one of the most protected people in that region and it meant nothing. Not inside at least. They weren't protecting him from himself and only one of those guys had some kind of genuine care for me so of course he was fired for his lack of professionalism.

I couldn't even tell the time properly until I met my Partner, I had no reason to know it. You know this saying 'I was a different person back then'? I wasn't even a person back then, so this the current day feels right as opposed to a previous nothingness. What I normalized back then was so much worse. It took my current Partner to tell me that all of that was wrong to realize it was, and to see that kind of honest anger when learning certain things. If he heard my Ex's name tonight he'd see red and he's a very calm person when around me. You know how nuclear launch sequences have stages? He'd go straight from early detection to launch and skip the entire permissive action protocols. Just go boom. I don't hate anyone enough to properly put that feeling into words but he does. Things are hard to articulate when they are normal. I think if I could de-normalize those things maybe I'd be angry too? I don't know. For a time I thought it might be easier if I could hate him, I kept remembering brief moments where he was okay, there was a glimmer of humanity there but he didn't see me as human so that's complicated too. I just know I'm grateful for today so it has to be a good situation.

I will say I received the file and am making my way through it! I just don't have a lot of free time to read, so it's taking me a while.

• Don't worry about that, I just wasn't sure if it sent from that network and I wanted to wipe that device afterwards. It took me three hours to proof read, I kept accidentally inserting French then removing it, if you see French that's why, but it was interesting to remember certain things that were since put aside. I picked up on things I'd missed, and connections that were normal to me but that would have been alien to anyone else. Either way take all the time you need, I'm aware that a lot of it was matter a fact and blunt. I tried to remove that but couldn't except when talking about that one specific thing and that's probably because it was only one year ago. I asked that person to search their devices for that original conversation with MrX, I think enough time has passed (past?) that I'd be able to read it fully now. They can't find it and I instantly logged out when I heard what I heard. Now I wish I'd stayed online and monitored that whole exchange. I could have learned more even if it was hard to hear.

The only time I have much free time is on Wednesdays like these where I'm at the office practically doing nothing, but here I don't have access to it as I know it has sensitive information and I don't just want to bring that into public places with me. So, forgive me for the slow pace, but I will get back to you on it!

• Don't worry about it truly. I'd be spending my free time in a situation like that with a game not on some writing but I understand what you mean and I appreciate that you see it that way. I've been on and off Discord at very strange hours for the last week. I can't even keep up with the guys on the other network, I was only concerned about what you said about your friend's health and about August.

I'd definitely say that you are desensitized to a lot too. I'd say that comes with positives and negatives all the same. Many people have it as a trauma response, which you could argue you might too. It doesn't feel like trauma only because your mind has convinced you not to acknowledge it as such.

• I find it impossible to disagree with that logic. Except that I have no response, that I know of, unless being blunt is one. Originally one of the guys thought being blunt was a Soviet thing, I told them that was a stereotype, mostly. Some stereotypes are very true, memes too. My friend wasn't blunt, she was like you. I don't see blunt as being cold. More like someone wipes your emotions and replaces each with critical thinking. I still have my empathy so it's fine.

Like I shared with you privately, I'm sure I've dealt with the same in some recent events. In my opinion, it doesn't affect me negatively, but there's no going around the fact that it can also result in people bottling up extreme feelings that will ultimately do more harm than good.

• Don't take this the wrong way but it might, not today, but might tomorrow if you don't keep a close eye on that particular thing. I've learned that if you do try to bottle that kind of thing up, it doesn't come back straight away. It comes back at the exact moment in your life when you feel happy and focused on something entirely different, then it sort of kicks you in the chest and steals your breath. You are too good of a person to allow that to happen to yourself. I thought it didn't affect me either, it absolutely did, every part of that experience is crystal clear. If it's the same for you then it might worsen over time if not taken care of. Especially if a relationship is involved. You owe it to yourself and to your future.

I don't think you're in that camp. I think you're only desensitized to the point you need to be to live more comfortably, and as long as that's working for you, again, there's no shame in it. Sometimes it is just like that.

• I can't argue with that. I can give the perfect example from just a couple of evenings ago. There was a party after a certain part of Fashion Week and someone thought it was really bizarre that I was more comfortable on the floor with a pillow than a chair. I would say because it was a very mixed crowd of people, not my normal people. I don't know who most of those people were. I'm not up on modern entertainment at all.

I can't name one number one song from the last fifteen years but I'd assume Telephone was one of them? so I couldn't name any of those people either. Their idea of comfort was very different. Have you ever heard of a rider? it's a set of requirements an actor or musician issues, a comfort of sorts in order to perform. Those kinds of people, with that kind of mentality. I didn't see that mentality in Metal, a little in Rock and only once in film. That evening I think two worlds collided. It was different a couple of years ago, no one knew what an Oligarch was so no one ever confused me for one. It was one hundred percent non-existence and invisibility, which I liked. Now I think there is the assumption because people are educated by social media and not history books. I said I was a Communist and that immediately shutdown the conversation. They didn't really know anything about Communism to begin with. Then there was wonderful quiet again.

I'm always happy to hear how you're treated much better by your current partner. If you were still with the old one you've told me plenty a story about, I'm sure I wouldn't be as positive in my opinions.

• He's made of gold, one in a billion through and through. I'm not sure where he learned to be good like that but he has been since the first evening we met. Obviously he's older and a strict disciplinarian but he's honest and that's important. If I do something wrong I need to know what that wrong was or I can't learn from it. I have that with him, it's important. I don't like confusion.

I'm glad to hear you're picking up Krav Maga again! There's no doubt a lot of fun in punching and kicking guys... even if it doesn't take down the patriarchy or anything like that, haha.

• The Krav Maga part is the kicking the stuffing out of guys. The Systema part is more about training and maintaining your body and breathing. It's a kind of custom system that was developed for special forces. When combined it can help you to focus and stand your ground. It channels energy and breathing in such a way that you are better prepared to take what's coming at you and use it against them. You could call it holistic, it can help remove that stress and anxiety to the point where all that is left in that scenario is survival. I've been doing Krav Maga on and off for years, this is my first year incorporating Systema. Krav Maga would be a kind of building block and more accessible to a beginner while Systema would be focused more on serious scenarios. Sort of like Thunderdome, two people enter, one leaves. Systema is designed so you are the only one who leaves. It's also highly customizable, different military units add or remove their own methods. some only want to disable, others want to restrain, it's less about a fair fight and more about preserving your life. Minimum force is civilian, Systema is any force necessary. It's generally reserved for the military and security, I want to learn to protect myself properly. I won't need it but I'd prefer to have it.

I'm not quite the house pet like Ravix might be a bunny, but I think you're be surprised by a lot of my day-to-day and dynamics with the people closest to me. There's a lot I haven't told you that I've had to deal with in the last few years. Not because I don't trust you or anything, but simply because it's a hard topic for me to bring up. Sometimes I do feel like a house pet, let's just say for now. Maybe I'll elaborate on it in private.

• I think I understand, I'm not saying I had my suspicions. I'd need a gauge on normal to say otherwise and I'd be the last person to take that leap. As long as your happy that's the main thing, I am so meow etc. That should be a hard topic for me too? it's not. I look forward to the elaboration, if I'm reading what you said correctly that is.

I do think sexism has shaped your point of view. There's no way it hasn't in the system you've grown up in. Most importantly though, you're curious to learn about the origins and the effects of it it has had. That's already more than a lot of people stuck in that environment would dare to question.

• I thought you might say that. I was thinking about it for a couple of days after. Then I thought that maybe I shouldn't have questioned it and zipped that internal file again.

Maybe one day there will be a reason for you to rock the boat, and even if not, you'll have known the life you lived rather than stumbled blindly through it none the wiser.

• That last part is a big part of why I talked to you. It's hard to recognized blindness if you do live in the dark and it might be wrong to learn the kinds of things I've had glimpses of but there's an odd something where I want to learn. I don't have words for it.

I've had my issues with building that independence, but it ultimately still doesn't come anywhere near the life you were born into living. I wish I'd already be further along and have that boyfriend you speak of, though!

• Time to look up another definition (I'm thinking of the movie Independence Day) I was right to an extent. Hopefully that boyfriend isn't too far off, life is more interesting when you share it with another person even if yes you spend the majority of it inside. Just the presence of that other person makes a difference, then of course the added bonus of if you have the same hobbies. Imagine if you nabbed a gamer or if they nabbed you. I think my soul would leave my body if my Partner asked to play a video-game with me. We play chess. Or imagine if you found one and you merged your collections together because they too are obviously of culture and play Playstation. I'm sure that happens.

Just avoid anyone who tries to keep you away from your hobbies. One of the first things my Ex told me was that if he had his way I'd never game again. It was two days after we met. The loophole was that gaming was socializing too and that same friend was on that game so he couldn't permanently take my PS5 away. Just sporadically, I had to rebuild the database so many times because he never heard of the concept of powering down a machine properly.

I remember the day he said it, as clearly as it was yesterday even the look on his face. I thought it was humor, he was serious. The irony is that I had Demon's Souls three weeks before the street date and it took a year to finish it because he kept playing musical chairs with my gaming time and telling me three hours had passed when it had only been one. That's partly why I have such a bad track of time now, he did that for so long and because I couldn't tell the time I believed him. Which in hindsight is kind of awful. The justification at the time was that he'd gotten me both that game and the console weeks before the official release so naturally 'do you know what I had to do to get these?' worked. It would have been ungrateful had I complained.

I never noticed before but there is the fall off in platinums too, everything was one hundred percent before him. I was with that first man then, he saw one hundred percent as a good thing and let me game whenever I wanted (within reason) Even Ark and all of the DLCs (one bugged) Demon's Souls is at a pitiful thirty eight percent. I have to reach one hundred percent to feel that 'okay you're done, next game'. I can't bring myself to playing it again, he de-Demon's Souls'd me and that's my favorite franchise. Each time I try I get about ten minutes in before something clicks and I need to turn it off. So definitely avoid anyone who even hints that you need to step away from your hobbies, mine made no difference to him. He would have been sitting in meetings etc all day, what I did in that spare time had no bearing on his day. He did it because he could, like almost everything else. That's another glimpse for you, gaming related. I'm sure he put my Switch in an ice bucket before too, it stopped working and he said something that alluded to that. Obviously he had to replace it, but again unnecessary. Which is probably where I got the idea to put that guys phone in the sea while we were on the water one day. I'd taken it weeks before and was looking for the perfect opportunity to get rid of it, the sea answered.

Personally, I've been through a lot, so even though I would have the ability for prospects within society, I've somewhat lost sight of it or any ambition. It still feels like I'm in survival mode, even with the much larger amount of freedom offered to me by the society I live in. I'm equally living on the day-by-day. You could argue that's been by choice or the cards handed to me over my lifetime, but the reality is that's what it feels like.

• You are the last kind of person who should feel that way. The fact that I can understand completely what you mean heightens that concern. It's cliche but you really do have your whole life ahead of you. A difference between our day to days is that you know what day it is and that to me spells stress. The reason being that you recognize that passage of time so it can grate on you mentally or emotionally even if you don't realize it. I have to use a cat as example (I'm not sure what else to compare myself to) because I'm being realistic. They don't know what day of the week it is either (I'm checking) Thursday so almost the Weekend, my guess was Tuesday, close enough. My raison d'etre doesn't require knowledge of such things. My only requirement is the 'now'.

The point I'm trying to make (badly) is that you do feel like you are living day to day, and you feel and see that passage of time, so you owe it to yourself to find whatever it is that can help you fit better into that passage of time. It's not healthy to think you aren't accomplishing anything with the time you do have or to think 'I could be doing something so much better now'. If someone didn't send me to bed I wouldn't sleep because I would be thinking 'I could be doing three productive things right now'.

You are surviving when you deserve to be thriving, and maybe you haven't heard that enough but it's true. Gaming helps to give me tasks and goals but that's not living either. It only works for me because I identify with that cat more than I could or should with a person and that's fine if the structure and support is there for it to be a viable existence, and it is. If someone did want that then I'm the last person to say otherwise. I just think you have so much potential and society, people, and the world would be missing out if you weren't part of it. If you are seeing it as 'that's another week and things haven't changed' maybe you can find that change in yourself by reminding yourself that you are a good person and most likely affect those around you without even realizing. You need to be easier on yourself, and nicer to yourself. Truly. Rome wasn't built in a day, neither were you. Time isn't relevant but you are.

I've seriously had to consider going back into therapy myself recently and possibly trying anti-depressants for the first time. Maybe that would help me put myself out there again and have dreams, or even function on a more regular basis. I'd be lying if I said that this general lack of functioning hasn't been part of my unresponsiveness towards you in private or even on here.

• You absolutely should if you can. I saw one each week for months and I'm sure the change was obvious, now it's only once per-month. I've never taken medication for anything though so I have no idea how that part works, it might sound cheesy but meditation is my medication. When it works and when you click with it, the difference is noticeable. Even taking a moment to breath properly each day has it's benefits. That's why I like silence so much. I'm just glad your lack of responsiveness wasn't your friend's health or your own. Technically it's the latter but you recognize it and you can admit that there might be a problem there, every problem has a solution, always.

it sounds like one of the three A's. So A A A (not backstage Access All Areas) I'll use gaming as an example. The first is Apathy, losing your motivation and drive to complete goals (platinum) The second is Avolition, that's when it becomes more serious and you lose the ability to start the activity that would reward you for attempting to get your platinum. The third is worse and I know it's more serious because that's what I have but permanently. That's Anhedonia, you don't want that. That's when you get said platinum and feel nothing, you should because you worked hard to get it but that emotion of a job well done isn't there. Each one of those A's lines up to the other, it's a kind of process and if you feel like you are near that second one you should seriously consider seeking some help. That third is generally temporary for most people but even so it's no way to live.

My mind is just incredibly inconsistent when it comes to motivation to do anything at all, so it has nothing to do with you. You might be interested to research ''chronic depression'', which I was diagnosed with years ago and might give you more insight on part of what I tried to allude to before in how there's quite a lot I haven't told you.

• I thought that's what it was when you mentioned your inside'ness too. It didn't make sense when you explained the contributing factors or rather the lack of them, as in you were safe if that makes sense. No one was trying to spirit you away for jackpot reasons. So I asked myself why someone would choose to stay inside when they had the option not to, that's where I arrived at depression but only because when I was on the PSN guys would just randomly open up and tell me all kinds of things. They knew I'd listen, I started to see patterns, especially with gaming. I'll listen here or elsewhere anytime you want or need to share. I'm sure I've heard worse, very little could shock me but obviously don't feel pressured either.

I'm sorry to hear about that situation in UAE. That definitely puts a lot more perspective into what happened.

• That was a weird experience and I'm back there now tonight, probably for the next week or so. It's hard to put into words but there's a difference between a Clan and a Tribe, I understand the former because faith generally doesn't figure into it. Once it does things get complicated. She left that room so fast, it was like Alabama all over again but without the kissing etc. I don't think I told you about that.

If you've ever had a pen-pal? I did. We were linked up because both of our Families were old and having a similar background made us viable. Her Family controlled a certain industry for generations, I would have settled for any pen-pal but it was that way. I went to Alabama to meet her after a year of letters and it was all very normal, we went shooting, very Southern, lots of pleasantries and Southern hospitality like in movies. All very picture perfect until after dinner. We were both excused and then went to her bedroom to listen to music. She introduced me to bands like Skillet, P.O.D and perhaps Anberlin came from her too. We got talking about boys etc (obviously) and she told me she'd never kissed anyone before, ever. Then she told me that she was saving herself for Jesus. I'd never heard of anyone doing that before, I thought she meant the actual Jesus.

Long story short things went the way they do and afterwards we went back downstairs. At some point her Dad exploded, so she must have told him? We left that night instead of days later as planned and I never heard from her again. I still have her letters, I asked Amber to look for her a couple of months ago. Apparently she's married now, new name etc so good for her. You know what was really strange about that whole thing? When her grandparents arrived for dinner, they thought I was a Communist (obviously) but what they told me made me drop my drink to the floor. Apparently when they were courting they were sewn into separate sleeping-bags to help preserve their virtues. I wasn't the only person who had that reaction, I looked at my people too and they were equally shocked. My life is weird yes but being sewn into a sleeping-bag is next level. I'll never forget hearing that. I think I blue-screened when they said it.

It's a perfect example of what I was mentioning before however. How your growing awareness already puts you ahead of many. This woman you speak of clearly doesn't feel like she has either the power to question at all or hide any thoughts from their partner. She's clearly a lot more controlled by this person.

• That was her Dad, it was tribal too. He wasn't just Head of the household like normal Families he was Head of that whole tribe etc. What he thought was an appropriate response wasn't to my Partner, they butted heads and I left. I see that as protective, not oppressive. Her world would have been/is entirely male Dominated like everything here (I'm back there) I understand a similar structure but God isn't part of the mix. God doesn't tell me when to go to bed, my Partner does. I'm sure God would have been happy with us having a conversation. I mentioned gaming, my girlfriend, and probably the last movie I saw which was maybe Zootopia 2. I know they banned the Barbie movie, it was also banned back home, too pink (truly) I still need to see it. I see hypocrisy there, if a girl is supposed to act like a literal doll then that's fine but if a man wears pink? ban the movie. I'm sure that's why it was 'too pink'.

I've been to plenty of queer protests/parades with them as well. The kind of places you would never be afforded the freedom to go to, nor would maybe even want to. I think the same goes for your girlfriend, despite her more vocal nature.

• You've protested? Like with a sign etc? and all of the walking? did you shout or was it more visibility based as in 'I exist get used to it'? Back home you can be held for two weeks without charges for protesting anything, or worse case scenario be given five years in prison which is basically the gulag. I don't think I've ever seen protests except in London. I may have seen something in Syria, I'm uncertain.

I'm not sure where she goes other than nightclubs, bars or wherever they meet. She doesn't live with us. I'm not sure where she lives, I just know she's provided for as per the arrangement. She could be somewhere gay right now, I'm not sure what she does with her off time. I know it's not gaming. I wouldn't be surprised if she protested, not at all. She has full freedom to express herself, just not when we're together and even then she's stubborn, which I Respect. If I had only the one Partner of the one gender I'd lose that part if that makes sense? You know the song 'this is a man's world?' that's all I'd see and feel.

It sucks that your time with the Day-Z clan didn't work out in the end. Especially since you said they were within the same system and likely knew your situation. Even then, they couldn't be understanding only because it inconvenienced them. All for sexism until it negatively affects them in whatever minor way, I guess.

• That seems to be the case with a lot Russian gamer Clans. I see gamer talk on vkontakte and it's more or less identical except that they tend to not have females in their group at all or if they do, well she knows her place. And you know what I mean by that. It would be normal to her because it was normal to me. Most seem to be dating one of the members, usually the Leader. It's rarely based on skill, it's based on numbers. That was my experience and if there are female only Clans they become a target for doing things differently. Harassment might be the word. Everything is more heightened now because men are going to literal war meaning they are 'real men' and women are expected to act accordingly. They only got vocally abusive with me after I did mess up, so it was always there lingering and if your offline is the same way then there's nothing to say it's wrong. Until you (Tjuz) did.

And yeah, 600 contacts is a lot! I think my Steam account of 13 years has just about 180, haha. That's even including the times where I almost exclusively played multiplayer games!

• I didn't know Steam was that old. I don't know where all the request came from but I kept pressing accept. Years before it was someone else deciding on who I added. I saw it as, I can handle this. I couldn't.

I'm just here to log in, have a good time with friends and log out. It's not even about de-stressing as much as gaming not stressing me. It's also why I don't like to play single-player games that have a reputation of being hard.

• Let me introduce you to Dark Souls (kidding, avoid it) Finding cosy games for the first time was a really weird experience, there was no difficulty spike just water some flowers and bake some carrots etc. I can completely see why you don't push or burden yourself with stress producing activities.

I'm not here to overcome obstacles, deal with toxicity or be annoyed. Anything that makes me feel anything like that, I'm peacing out on quickly.

• I think or thought that came with a lot of online games. Which again is discovering Indies was falling in love with the hobby all over again for the right reasons.

You shouldn't feel bad about running those people who were awful to you in circles regarding the hand-outs. It's the least they deserve, and actually quite funny in my opinion.

• Amber thought it was funny too. I'm not sure what I expected to feel. Seeing my comment of 'when someone tries to take advantage of me I get very Russian', sums it up. It was three hours of running that guy around server instances. He genuinely thought I was going to give him one hundred million credits. In that game if you sold the account one hundred million would equal six thousand British pounds. I'm sure they were going to try for the jackpot then move the currency to a fresh account and sell it for real money. When I saw that Discord chat I was determined to do something. I told someone offline what I was planning, they gave me their blessing. I could have done much worse, there was no point.

It's a shame that it resulted in the loss of any social network for you at the time, but it was good riddance when it comes to them. I'm glad that it didn't affect you in any meaningful way either, because the complicated feelings you might've gotten from it otherwise would've been a pain in the butt to deal with, I'm sure.

• It's not really though, I had a kind clarity once they were gone. I'll share it and maybe you'll understand. Gaming started with Adults and that was it's own situation, then gaming went away for some years and returned, that was the Russian clan. Both had their own structure and what you might call exploitations. That last one was unique in it's own way. Someone sent me a message one day in a game and invited me to a group, so I joined.

I ended up with people who were once again older but they didn't act their age, by this I mean everything they did or said carried a kind of drama, and it gets stranger. They knew other groups and I thought that was a good thing because I understand strength in numbers, until I joined their Discord. What I saw was hardly game related, they spent so long talking about other people behind their backs. My policy has always been say it to a persons face or not at all.

I thought I'd joined during some pivotal moment of transition so I didn't question such drama. I came to realize that it was their everyday, not only that but they'd complain about the games they'd play and get weird with me when I said I was jumping to play something else solo. It was as if the game to them was a job, and now that I know how some of the world really does work I question if they even had jobs at all. Can a person work if they are on a game from morning to morning into the AM? Maybe not.

I was away a lot, just like now but each time I looked in there was something for them to complain about. I didn't have anything to compare it to so I thought it was normal. I've watched this forum for a year and now I disagree with my original conclusion. It seems like they'd built an anti-social echo-chamber and forced themselves to play certain games that they didn't enjoy because in those games they were someone, by this I mean they ran the groups etc and spent countless hours grinding so they could Lord it over other players. Elitists again, but again I thought it was normal because that Russian Clan were Elitists too. The difference is they didn't sit in Discord all day and night talking about people, they played the game. There was Discord but we rarely used it. They were they for the game.

The last group hadn't realized that I didn't grind, I had limited time to game. My method was multiple consoles to create my own Autarky. A kind of self-contained private economy built on the back of my own network of bots. It was absolutely cheating but I wasn't going to sit on a game all day and night nor was I allowed to. Instead I relied on my army of fifty or so accounts. My mind understands loopholes in all things, games were no different. My accounts were always online but I wasn't there and the people who invited me assumed I was. They saw all of those hours and thought I worked for it. I'd never make a game a job, they did.

That's when I noticed the first of the attitude changes, that drama started being directed my way for the smallest of things. I'm trying to think of an example, I know the main ones were that I would play other games while staying in chat. They were locked into playing those same games for years, they wouldn't allow themselves to play something else because they were desperate to hold onto that virtual power which is ridiculous.

The guy you saw, he was the last of them. I remember one evening having to say I was in a literal war-zone surrounded by very real world politics and loud bangs, it was like talking to a wall. It was as if the games they played held more significance over their lives than life itself, who they were on there defined them. Maybe you've met one player like that? I'm sure that group weren't unique. That same jump of not seeing badness in gay people, is the same jump I couldn't make with their way of thinking. I had everything to be an Elitist but I didn't act like one and because I was support they didn't want to let me go. I see it all now in hindsight. I don't think they were inherently bad people, more like victims of circumstance and that hivemind attitude removed ethics and common sense. Have you seen Mean Girls? just like that only they were adults, it was no different.

I still feel nothing about it other than finalization is a true relief. The biggest part of that relief is not having to listen to people complaining. It was starting to build before the Invasion, I'd see them discussing things that I didn't know about because even back then I didn't watch the media. It was all-consuming like they were feeding off of that negativity. I was focused more on the games themselves. I'm sure they only kept me around because I was support and had my own Autarky which obviously I shared.

I did a test near the end, I used the word 'hate'. Here's the result.

Over one thousand times and most instances of that word were pointless. I kept many reminders.

You can only miss people when you've had a genuine relationship with them... and you do with those people you care for. These were not those people, so they're not worth a second thought.

• I don't miss them at all. I don't think that was being truly social. I can't miss that after I've seen how you and others (who are gamers) speak to others. That seems more genuine. Drugs were probably factor too, I'm not saying that everyone who does them are bad people but it amplified some of that behavior. I remember once someone joined and he'd taken what they manufacture in Breaking Bad. He was in the middle of that high, everyone jumped out of party chat and left me with him. I didn't know they'd left, I can't repeat what he said but it wasn't sane. That was a long hour.

I probably normalized a lot of that too. It was so strange when there was no pressure to play what everyone else had been playing, a good kind of strange. I prefer Plus+ choosing for me. It's so much easier to be alone, it's wonderful. My only regret is that I wasn't removed sooner. They too were a lesson but one I'd rather have not had. Anti-social is the only word I know to explain that group.