Topic: The Music Thread

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@Metonymy Maybe that’s a fun exercise to posit: What is your most iconic licensed soundtrack and why?

• I need to sleep on that a few times because there are so many and it could be fun to try to nail some down, the same for Various Artist Soundtracks, I owe so many of my favorite musicians to those.

Something very different before then.

So no Metal tonight but I do listen to pretty much any genre.

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@Metonymy Maybe that’s a fun exercise to posit: What is your most iconic licensed soundtrack and why?

• I've slept on it, sort of and my jetlag is currently dancing with my insomnia so I'm going to give it a shot. There might be a lot, and I'll probably do some edits and add or take-away from the post, some already come to mind so here goes.

it's really late or early here so I'll finish this up tomorrow or the next day but some honorable mentions.

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@Metonymy Speaking from the heart here, (condensed for space)how do you do it?

• Being blunt? I think when you are forced to live your life closed off from the rest of the world you either work to expand your boundaries/world or you never have any opportunity to really grow as a person. I fell into a really bad part of the internet at a really young age but even then there was music, I can't go into the specifics but music was part of that reward system, I had to earn it. They were old so my taste of music was too. Now there's no earning, I can listen to what I want when I want.

I've seen and experienced a lot of bad things, most I'll take to the grave, the rest people hit on but I never confirmed, only privately. The one thing that was always there was music and every moment of my life was captured by music in some kind of time-capsule.

I can only speculate but I think when people have responsibilities, jobs, schooling in their lives they struggle to live in the now. For me only the now exists, I know the month when I look at Plus+ and the day when I see the Weekend Thread, time becomes irrelevant. Music is timeless too.

This is a me thing, by the way. You keep doing you, cause you’re cool. Im just feeling like a bit of a Neanderthal.

• That means a lot, but I don't think you are. I almost deleted my profile two-weeks ago and have been considering it all this weekend again. Ravix asked for more context and I gave it to him, it's in our Fantasy Critic Thread, some posts back. Russaphobia ruined many hopes I had of keeping friends and living under propaganda is like a weight that keeps getting added and sometimes it creates a kind of 'these people probably hate me I better use my exit plan today', then I talk to someone like you, Ravix, Tjuz, Others and I'm reminded that all of that background noise is wrong.

I didn't look for a site/forum, my friends on those encrypted networks knew I was going to quit gaming.

• I'm deleting this image link as soon as I know you saw it so please let me know when.

[image removed]

I don't want someone deleting my post when it took so long to even find the words.

I keep my chat-logs as reminders, to not really want friends again.

I censored it even more for this. For a whole week that person told me to unalive myself. People offline saw and went nuclear then decided that being submissive meant there was a danger I may have done what I was told to do, so instead removed my internet privileges for months, removed every friend, wiped my PSN, phones etc. Everyone was gone very quickly

I think people know the word Russaphobia but when you've lived it, there's a kind of I never want to be around humans anymore. Animals and music treat people better.

That chat/log, they were gamers. The hobby was dying to me.

My next friends tried to show me something else so they introduced me to this site. It's not been easy, your world and mine are so different, people see money and think it fixes everything when in reality our Families own us and everything we do is a reflection on them. That's just life but I've used that power to open doors too, the film industry, music industry, even so it's being an imposter.

It was the Truman Show, I had no real job and didn't even know what wages were, everyone lied to me and when I found out I left the music industry. Ravix is the only reason I started listening to Metal again, it felt like I didn't deserve it anymore. I don't have the ability to self-empathize anymore, everything in life is permission based, everything, I've found a way to work with that system but for Metal it took someone on here reminding me that I could. It sounds complicated, it's really not. If tomorrow you lost full control of your life, your body/etc, that's all it is. The difference is I'm with Someone who cherishes both, so I'm actually very lucky.

but just end up either being overly agreeable or using a whole lot of words to say very little, which doesn’t sit right with me.

• I can relate to some of that because as a whole my mind is wired to be that way, I don't even talk without permission. Or look at someone without permission, I just agree, it sits right with me because it's who I am and a lot of that has to do with what I said about music once being a reward system.

You yourself shouldn't have to feel like that because you are your own person and your opinion does matter. People like you made real differences in my day/life and never even realized it, that's why I'm still here. I want to learn to be human like you, there's no affordance for that offline, here there's a chance and that's all I need.

What you’ve said about conflict birthing art is an interesting thought.

• Almost the entire Russian music industry is focused on our SVO with Ukraine now, if I don't listen my loyalty is questioned. It's all music about conflict. Hundreds of songs, some good some awful. Most shows videos of fighting, drone strikes, soldiers blowing up, these things, they've become our music videos. I'm numb now to soldiers killing soldiers, but innocent people, that I'll always feel.

The Rocketeer was actually the first film I saw in theatres so everything about it sticks with me.

• Timothy Dalton in that movie was my first crush, I won't say the age but like I said different wiring. Every piece of music leads back to something. Actual soundtracks with lyrics especially, the various artists/inspired by were with me my whole life. There are a lot.

My concern with music is worrying that something sounds too sad therefore 'kat is sad', I'm really not, it's just how I learned to feel again, if I don't try there's just nothing there just a very blunt baseline.

Most of the time you wouldn't get a word out of me unless you started the conversation first. I'm still learning how to have an opinion, I can't offline, here I can and it's sometimes very overwhelming to try.

It's cultural too, if a Russian likes you we open up, if we don't it's some very short words, you've seen how much I do type to people here, it means I genuinely care about them and about the interaction. I also know it's not permanent, if Someone catches me today/tomorrow I'm never going to get to see the internet again. I've accepted that and use every moment, conversation, comment to learn.

[last part removed]

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@Metonymy It’s hard to understand such a lack of basic human decency.

• Money is the root of all evil, that really is it in a nutshell and once money loses it's meaning the next step is power, power over the world, people, and everything in it. I think greed at that extreme is a kind of mental illness but I wouldn't dare say that offline, I wouldn't even Dear Diary it.

Back then that Group/situation, it wasn't about money for them, it never changed hands because they didn't need it. Technically my mind says I didn't either because for the online part it was fifteen rooms and one-hundred and sixty members per room. I had fifteen names, fifteen backstories, I had to remember fifteen pets that I didn't own, fifteen schools/sets of friends I didn't have. It slowly removes and recycles parts of you, then you wake-up one day and no longer feel anything. And 'it didn't happen to me' because fifteen names means it happened to fifteen other people, I still don't feel it, it's so factual, and blunt but I can close my eyes, focus and I hear and see it all in crystal clarity like a video-tape.

The names came from songs, and when I listened to them I'd remember, they were very clever People. There was a song from a musician who passed recently, the song was a girl's name. We were in Russia at the time, it came on the television and I apparently blacked out, that to me is incredible. It's an awful thing too but I'm still fascinated how the human mind works. I've done years of therapy/regression because my Partner wants to carefully deconstruct it all and know exactly what he's dealing with.

When he found out about those fifteen names he put his fist through the wall. The doctor said it's a miracle that I didn't develop multiple personalities, I'm grateful that I didn't. When my Dad originally found out he smashed every computer I had to pieces then sent me to live in England with a close friend. That Man gave me my love of film, brought me to film sets, used the magic of film to bring me back, I'd stopped talking etc. He realized my mind was wired to something else, then when I was of age said I could apply all of that to a certain Adult dynamic, arranged for me to meet the right P/people in that community. Gave me the choice to be 'normal' like you or to enter the life I'm in now, I choose this one and never looked back. I have real control over people but I don't want it, all it does is corrupts the soul.

The hard part is that it's taboo to your society, which means a big part of me is too (but only on this site) it's like having to de-compartmentalize myself all over again, I'm trying to find that balance so I'm not banned or something. The real anxiety comes from questioning if something I say is wrong, it's deleted and I don't understand why, or it feeds back into don't tell people because they don't care.

It probably sounds shocking to you but to me it was so normalized. I can name so many songs from back then because every other girl was named after a song and their (not sure what word to use, Minder perhaps) would play it for them in that channel. The Person I was with had three girls, I met two of them offline often, one of them used music on her last night in that channel to get a message to me.

This song, as an Adult I understand it, back then I didn't. I didn't know I was getting preferential treatment, He was also Russian, knew my Family and was Respected. She was American, to him she was nothing. To me she was everything, I've spent years trying to find her, this side of the web, the other, my friends search too and we always come up empty. I never had her real name. I look at Spotify, see the listener count and wonder if she's listening too, it's possible.

He could see our screens/etc. The file/song was noticed, I wrote the name down then he went in and deleted it. The next day she was gone. I kept that diary and a couple of years ago looked for the song, I instantly understood her message. My main song was by The Police, this line Teacher's pet, that was my preferential treatment, none of the other girls received that. I think I had it easy.

This one.

She introduced me to almost every Emo and Screamo band I know, some Metal too, she was amazing. We'd sing together, she was so feisty, even talked back, she could Screamo scream and when I tried I'd lose my voice. She was obsessed with Underoath, so I became obsessed with Underoath, the same for Alkaline Trio, Anberlin, Senses Fail, I listen and it unlocks the good parts.

One time she played NWA for me, I was really young and when I repeated fudge the police, He lost it, it's funny now. I learned so much about music from her, she was a really good part of my life back then, the music too. I spent three-weeks writing about that room, some of the offline, to Tjuz, then after it was read nuked it and destroyed my drive and put the pieces in the sea. I'd never told anyone before, my Partner knows some of it, if he knew all of it he'd go on the warpath. It's because he cares, that's why I'm lucky.

He's the first one to ever genuinely care. The one before him removed my name, personality, my music, parts of my mind, I had to fight to learn how to think for myself again, to use the letter 'I' instead of you and you're, which confuses people even today, they think I'm talking in the third-person. I'm not sure how long most people can go without saying 'I', for me it was years. He's in my music too, this is his song.

There's a song for everything, it's the only way I know how to express those things. I was never taught how to express my emotions, I'm learning to do that too. I can read your emojis, your face, not mine.

One of my friends tries to help me to do it, one of those Hacker types that people like to say are this and that, she's the reason I'm even talking to you. It's ongoing, the effort. Then she used animals instead and it worked. She's brilliant like that and understands how to reach me properly.

Your choice to expand your horizons and prioritize knowledge, education, empathy and understanding within such a rigid environment is inspiring.

• I said to Tjuz before that some societies try to remove empathy, if they don't there are waves and when there are too many waves it sinks ships. No one ever taught me what empathy was, I think I always cared about other people. It's possible that losing the ability to self-empathize amplified it too.

outside of one’s control.

• That's other part of the puzzle, the rewiring I mentioned means I can't function unless I'm under that same control. It's a kind of catch twenty-two, I've never been alone ever, I wouldn't last five-minutes on my own, I don't eat unless I'm told to, don't sleep unless I'm told to, don't pick what I wear, don't talk without permission, and I can't function without it. If it's in my music/themes it's invisible to me because it's just so normalized and so necessary. My Partner is a control freak, people at his level have to be. The food chain people talk about, CEOs etc, He's above even all of that and he got there because he can't see people as humans. I don't see myself as a human either, I never learned how to do that.

W/we complete a circuit and work so well together. Bad romance novels and equally bad movies don't understand that dynamic, most Adults don't. They want freedom, equality, the ability to go where they want, when they want, all of that sounds terrifying. By the same token my world and life sounds terrifying to others. Even people in our community think it's extreme. Watch Eyes Wide Shut and you'll understand some of it. To them it's some kind of weekly spice in their life, or monthly, to me it's survival, oxygen, a true submissive mindset is extremely rare even in our world, and that pet mindset is so rare that Men like my Partner want us just for that reason. It's not different than Owning rare art, or a boat, property is property. People have limits, need off days, distance from their Person. In my mind I exist to make Him happy and when he's happy then by proxy I'm happy too, it's sounds hard, oppressive, it's a very simple life, if you have a puppy or a cat do they seem stressed to you? It's the same thing. Most days life is bliss.

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@Metonymy There’s a lot I’d like to ask you but I don’t want to pry, nor do I want to bring any unwanted attention to such personal matters.

• Ask anything you want to. I see my time on here as limited, one day I'll be caught on this site/browser and I'll probably never have internet privileges again or anyone to talk to about this with. I've accepted that and I'm a deeply curious person so I do know what it feels like to have those questions. I'll do my best to answer them in a clear and concise manner if you have any.

You say most days life is bliss; I’ll take you at your word and say I’m glad to hear that, and hope that continues for you.

• That's part of a psychological headspace that people call pet-space, the mind just goes somewhere else and then that bliss sets in, time, people, critical thinking all dissolves. I can lose hours, days even and because wealth buys discretion wherever we go no one casts a second glace, it's all Members only.

Do you play any instruments or write any music?

• Just piano and cello, I've never tried to write music. Violin too but at a very low level, I never had enough lessons. Piano was from six-years old, cello around nine or ten. I prefer piano, it was harder to learn and I'll never be good enough so there's so much room there to keep practicing and pushing for absolute perfection. That's a big part of life, the perfection, no off days etc, which is why it makes it's way into gaming, my builds, all of these things, there's no half doing something.

Transparency isn't a luxury I'm afforded in life. I think people hear hints of bad things happening behind closed doors and high walls, I know how to sugar-coat. Nor do I see myself as a victim, it's just a different world, we do things differently, survive and thrive through extremes, we've been doing it this way for generations. I know not to rock the boat and I prefer calm and collected personal analysis over 'why me', the latter does nothing. There are plenty of situations like that in your society too, monsters aren't limited by class or station.

The internet part happened fast. I was a junior skater, there was a forum like this, it had a private message feature. I messaged other skaters, they shared videos and pictures of their techniques, it was figure skating. I'd tried ballet and didn't like it, so I was allowed to skate instead. Some of those skaters started talking about a Trainer who helped them so naturally I wanted to talk to him. I'd never been talking to skaters at all, they were all his accounts.

Eventually his secretary started picking me up after practice. I started staying with him in his homes. He made sure I ate, slept, he gave me a routine, I'd never had one before. He'd fire up his work PCs and reserve a monitor for the room I mentioned above. It was an encrypted network, the whole thing was custom, most of the icons and things I was never allowed to press. We had our own peer 2 peer network, localized too, no one could talk to me without permission, members were world-wide, America had the highest number, most things happened in private, each time they changed my name they'd make a new room, they'd sometimes go to the surface and see if they could find new members, if someone was 'okay' with my real age/etc they offered membership. Most knew, most didn't care.

I'd sit on the floor with a laptop, by his desk, he'd give me language books, a lot of books, he did educate me, I speak eight languages and part of that was because he insisted on communication. Before him I'd not talked for one-year, he fixed that. We were both in that room together and both offline together. I knew all of the members, all of the girls, I saw not one boy in all of that time. I can't count very well, I'm still learning numbers but I think it was eight-years. Quite some time, it's going to be hard to understand but all of those people were my friends, they did show an interest when no one else did. At the same time there's a lot of confusion there, People I miss but shouldn't, back then I didn't have agoraphobia either, I saw the countryside, picnics, animals, a lot of sailing, a lot of shopping, a lot of travel, which I still do but back then it was different.

He himself never did anything untoward, I'd sleep by his bed not in it, his method of affection was no different than if you had a puppy or a cat. That was my introduction to affection and why I told you my Partner doesn't want a human, he knows I have that part of my personality and when he finishes meetings all he wants to do is spend time with someone who offers that kind of unconditional presence. That's why I called it bliss, my mind floats away and something else takes over. I don't think he knows how to be affectionate towards a human, most of the Men in my life have been psychopaths. He's the only one who's been so genuinely caring. I met him after my Ex, I'd been sneaking into peoples beds because there was no way I'd ever sleep alone again. He was at a dinner-party my Parents were hosting, I sat off at the side by the fire zoned out and he came over and knelled on the floor beside me, said some nice words, offered that I sit by his chair, I did, I told him about the night-terrors etc and he said he wouldn't mind if I appeared in his bed, my Parents said it was fine so we did. He was a Gentleman. He asked my Parents if he could take me back to London with him, one-week later we were living together, one month later we had a formal collaring ceremony, full Ownership. It's happily ever after. And yes every relationship was arranged, I've never picked a Partner, tradition says I can't.

The thing is most people would hate Someone for that, how dare they dehumanize a person right? I was nothing before I met that first man. I'd watch people dress my bed, then dress me, it objectified my thinking. The rest of the day was just 'go play', I didn't even really know my Parents until I was eight. We're generational, follow tradition. One being that the Women raise the girls, to learn our morals and Respect but my Mum instead bought an island somewhere and stayed there with some boyfriends. My Dad didn't know. I'd see them both on television sometimes, but there wasn't much contact. I had so many Nannies/Staff etc but they were afraid of my Parents and of me so they didn't talk to me, for most it was a revolving door, they didn't stay in the job long and I'm not sure why. How He had access to me, I don't know. I do know he made me something when I was pretty much part of the furniture. Pettings, fetch and treats are a lot better than what I was, that part never left my personality. Which sounds bad but to me it isn't, it makes me happy, calm, and very wanted.

I have to see humor in everything, my friends call my Partner Blofeld because he too has a cat that he really cares about, feeds people to sharks/etc if anyone tries to hurt them. I was having night-terrors recently, demons again. He said if a demon entered our bedroom he'd break it's legs, chop it up, and put it under concrete. It helped me sleep because I knew he meant it. I've had security my whole life, learned to shoot rifles and handguns from twelve-years old and never really felt safe, with Him I do. I know what he'd do to anyone who tried to hurt me, my friends know too.

I told my friend too, her reaction is funny. I don't know why it's always demons in my dreams but it's been happening for years. The worst was the one that had a baby, I didn't sleep for days. That's why I asked you about God and prayer, I wanted to try myself. I stopped praying to Jesus and tried Saint Francis instead, he's the patron Saint of animals, he might work better.

I'm going to try to sleep, I'll make a copy of this and hide it, I'm never sure if I'll return to a deleted post it's very hard to understand what's appropriate and my anxiety goes through the roof second guessing it so I keep copies just in case. I watched all three of your film shorts and provided feedback, I had a notebook as I watched, so it's rather chunky in text.