Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

@GirlVersusGame Just edited my comment to include my full response! Hope it's not getting in the way of your already replying, haha. And no worries, I'll happily read whatever you have to say whenever you say it!

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@Ravix Haha, don't make me blush! I think all it takes to have a good conversation with someone on the internet is a genuine interest, and that's the same vibe I'm getting from you. Whether you feel you write as well or not, it's all that matters.

You have my permission to call me a "basic b---"" as that is unapologetically what I am! Maybe I will post her in the Music Thread. I just always feel so incredibly out of place in that thread as I know the type of music I listen to is generally not what many on here would be into, haha. "Hold Me Closer" is fantastic! I'm probably less of a Eurovision gay than you are (😉), but that one has definitely stuck with me. Great taste!

The concept of Romans but with an emo look made me chuckle. Hilarious to think of them like that. Maybe when you were presented with the choice you just didn't have enough liquid persuasion yet? Just kidding, it's good that you were able to tell your boundaries and that this wasn't for you! Better than leading someone on only for you to later realise it's not what you're looking for. Must've broken this poor guy's heart either way! (If emos have heart that is...?) Yup, the whole counter-argument you mentioned where you'll ask a person when they chose to be straight is my go-to as well. I don't remember signing any forms turning me gay, but maybe I was under the influence when I signed it. I love that you faux-flirted with people like that just to make them uncomfortable. Dangerous for you in the moment maybe if you did it with the wrong person, but that's a good ally if I ever saw one! I think what I can appreciate the most in a straight person in terms of sexuality is not that they simply are accepting, but when they feel confident enough in their own masculinity that they would do stuff like that because they know it doesn't change anything about them and their preferences. I have a friend like that who will happily act stereotypically gay with me and totally go for it in the moments where we think it's fun to. We both know that's not the type of person he is, but he's not afraid to go there if the situation calls for it. I think there's nothing more masculine than someone who is happy to do that, because it shows that they're comfortable enough with their own identity that they don't need to constantly show it off to prove to people how masculine they are. That's just insecurity.

In terms of what you said regarding not always being emo though, of course that makes total sense. It also does when you put it in the context you put it in where this mostly comes out on late nights where you're all together. You're in a safe space then to truly be yourself and out how you feel. You're right, those are the moments where all the best deep talks happen and connections form! That said, I will now imagine you in my head giggling with the typical emo fringe reading my comments whenever I make a joke. You might not actually laugh at all of my jokes, but it's the narrative I'm choosing to go with.

@Tjuz I still haven't read your reply but I did skim the top and saw something about do I resent it. I won't even fully answer that yet, I'll say I resent what I've seen it to do to people and I'm not talking about riches, I'm talking about very heavy duty generational wealth. Some of this will sound really strange but I've had a long time to carefully place everything I'm about to say, I've taken a lot of past and present day experiences and formed a hypothesis which focuses heavily on empathy and why I have some very strong feelings about what wealth actually does to a person.

I have to use my cousin as an example, she was my best-friend growing up. We were probably six years old when we really forged a strong bond, we played together, watched every Disney movie together and knew all of the sing along versions too. We would stay in each others homes and would use the same bedroom but had separate bedrooms. I was maybe eleven years old and she was maybe twelve. I woke one night to the feeling of something touching my hair and when I opened my eyes she was standing by my bed staring at me. It was the exact same stare I get when I read something really quizzical like theoretical physics I adopt that stare when I'm trying to understand complex theories and formulas. She was studying me, trying to understand how I worked but the hair stroking put me to sleep. The next day we were playing with a toy that had buttons and pictures. You press one and it would say 'this is the zoo keeper we have lions in the zoo - rawr' and it would do this for different animals. She moved closer and started to pet my hair again, and then we formed a game called kitty and person. It was just children playing, it evolved into chocolate buttons for tricks, there were adults around us and no one questioned it, even when it got to the point of saucers of milk and again not one person said a word. This was our friendship and we normalized it because the adults did. Then one day we were at her home and we were being summoned to dinner, she turned and said 'no kitties at the dinner table' before I could even say anything her Dad closed the door and they went to dinner, I sat down and did some drawing. As an adult I can see the issue there, a major one. She was slowly compartmentalizing people and animals but she wasn't doing it based on biology like you would normally do. She was doing it based on behavior and on the response given to her action. No one corrected her. Then I thought back to when we used to play dress up and how controlling she was, she always wanted to be the stylist not the model.

One day I stopped seeing her. Three months went by and I thought she was away in another country because I'd spent a whole summer in South Africa and knew people sometimes did that. The door opened and her Dad walked in with my Mum, it was a big room so I didn't hear the conversation but they were staring at me so I knew they were talking about me. He took me outside, sat me in a car, the driver got out and started putting bags and cases into the trunk. They said we were going to visit my cousin, I thought airport. We were in what you would call the suburbs, trees, isolated etc, lots of our families lived in close proximity, I knew all of the different turns and which home they lead to.

We didn't go to the airport or to her home. Instead we drove for two hours (I watched the clock display) then stopped at what you call a gas station, both of them got out and talked very briefly, the driver went inside and my Uncle started the car and we drove again, which was again odd because he didn't drive. After about twenty minutes we arrived at some really big gates, bigger than mine so they stood out, we drove for again for I don't know how long. It was a very long drive way, until we reached a big building that to me looked like a hotel. I could see through the glass door, it had a reception and concierge staff. Someone came out and they both brought whatever was in the trunk inside. My Uncle came back after a while, turned on a TV in the (headrest?) then left again. An hour went by and nothing, so I climbed from the back through the seats and tried the doors and they were locked. Then I went to the back again and climbed up to look through the window, tint means you see out but no one sees in.

I saw the person who helped with the bags etc and I'm sure he knew I was there. It felt like he was looking right at me and doing nothing. There were curtains on the sides of the back windows too but they were open, I was sure he saw me. Almost three hours passed and he finally returned, said something like 'there we go', started the car, drove back and switched with the driver, they turned on the radio for the back of the car and talked among themselves, I only heard the music, brought me home and that was it. Years later I found out it was a home for girls with behavioral problems. If I counted right she was there for six months and when I saw her again she treated me no differently. The last time I was home (recently) we sat down for a movie, she patted her lap and I lay my head there just like before. It was no different, instead of chocolate buttons it was truffles. My Partner watched and I know he felt like something was off. I kept glancing over to try and read his face, my parents never said a word either. My cousin formed that idea of who or what I was as a very young child, no one guided her out of that pattern of thinking, I'll be home for Christmas soon and it will be exactly the same.

The way we did play is technically something I do with my Partner too but it's more like something we do when he comes in from a trying day and wants to spend some time with me without expending himself further, we both benefit and we're consenting adults. It's not draining for either of us, just quiet time but with that actual tactile connection. Then after an hour or two he brings me out of it and tells me to go do something more productive, he knows the distinction between those headspaces and it's all very natural and caring. Why did a twelve year old have that mindset, adults were always around us and sometimes a couple of feet away and no one called it into question. The same way my parents didn't question a sixteen year old (legal where I was) with a forty two year old man, then after my first three dates they set me up with that 24/7 lifestyle dynamic. They saw nothing wrong with it, nor do they today, they think it's an easy way to keep me in line and stay goal originated.

Over the years I started meeting other what you would call old money families, I'd spend a long time in Paris and they'd act the exact same way. We were different nations, different cultures and the only thing we had in common was that wealth. They were very odd, and that's a lot coming from me. Just so strange and cruel, for absolutely no reason other than they could be. I treat those around me like they are my friends, if they are coming to make the beds then I want to have a conversation with them, the same if someone brings me tea I actually say thank you and ask them about their day and show them what I'm doing in a game, I ask about their families, I probably ask them too much but I want to get to know them not their name tag. So many people I know don't. They don't see them as their equals and that's the normal thinking, but I think fudge that. I talk to everyone and sometimes they don't talk back but I always try.

I once met a family in America, of a similar standing and there it was again. One of the boys told me that his parents would leave for vacations, not take him and his carers would look after him. That happened to me too, it was making sense. I remembered my grandparents on my Dad's side. They came from a similar background, they had banks, post offices, shops and they raised their children to be lawyers, and business men. My Mum would bring me to see them, she'd talk to my Grandmama and they'd have tea, then once my Mum would leave she'd usher me into the TV room, and leave. This happened every time I visited, apparently she'd just go shopping. I'd ask people where she was and they said not to worry just watch TV. So that's what I did, hence I've seen so many movies, there are TV channels that show nothing but movies.

And here's where it got weirder, I can't understand this part. One day she did bring me shopping, we went a toyshop, she had me pick the toys I'd liked, then just leave without them. It was like she was giving me a choice then cancelling it out. But at the same time she did give me toys, just not that day, she seemed to get something out of giving me the illusion of choice. The burger I probably mentioned before, that was her too. We were out and I wanted to try fast food for the first time, I was given a huge burger, took maybe two bites and apologized that I was full. She wrapped it up and put it in my bag then we left for a funeral mass, after church there was a reception with drinks and such, cake too I wanted cake, out came the burger which was now cold. She made me take some more bites, after that we left for someones home, more food more refreshments and again with the burger.

She made me finish every piece, throw up, then bring me home. I told my Partner about that very recently because he'd ordered a burger for me while I was in the restroom (what I mean by someone else choosing meals) He didn't get audibly angry but he was fuming, he had them take it away and bring something else. I thought that was normal behavior, now I think it's psychopathy and it's not just on one side.

My other Grandmama was different, I loved going there. She was very proud of her gardens, knew all her flowers and picked berries for tarts that she actually baked. One day I was sitting in the grass talking to some flowers (I was a weird child) and I felt someone come up on me, that feeling you get when you feel like a wild animal is about to pounce. I looked up and it was a different uncle, he looked terrifying and I ran, right across the grass, the gravel and straight up those stone steps, I got maybe half way up when he caught me and start to strangle me and bang my head off the steps. I didn't remember anything after that but apparently the guys pulled him off me and (this I only learned a couple of years ago) I'd actually died, they even said I was blue like in Avatar. It turned out my Grandmama was ill and it was terminal (she hid it from me) she wanted to bequeath her estate and holdings to me. However if I was out of the picture my Uncle would stand to inherit it all because he was her son.

He was no pauper, he had a home in the countryside for his wife, a home in the city for his girlfriend, at least three vehicles and at least two businesses. I'd visit one of his antiques warehouses from time to time and just experience the history of what I could see. What I'm saying is he was in no way struggling, it was pure greed. He was going to remove me from the picture, vanish me and take it all. That's also psychopathy, there it was on both sides and again the only thing that connected the two was money, greed and power. I think the things I saw as a child which I'll never repeat were done to remove my empathy, if I cared too much they'd see it as a weakness and try to toughen me up in other ways, it never worked. I'll tell you a stupid example and you can laugh about this. I rotate my stuffed animals so ten out of almost two hundred always get that daily bed space, I spend time arranging them so each one is paired properly, then I'll enter the room again if I think I did it wrong. I obviously know they aren't real but they have faces, back stories and such. I've been doing that my whole life and never stopped. I think that's empathy, I care about living things and people too, a lot, especially animals. I once threw someones rifle into a river because they had shot a deer and that didn't sit with me well. I paid for it obviously but I was so angry. I would have loved a pet deer, I would have let them stay in my bed, washed them etc, everything, but they just wanted to shoot it. That makes no sense to me, I was never brought hunting again.

I've seen examples of people in my family and in others without empathy over and over again, which is why I said 'I think we do it to ourselves', I really do. If I'm right then they just gave up on me at a point and that pack mentality labelled me as a weak so they recycled me into something else. I don't want to hurt people, I understand shooting back if they shoot first but that's provoked. There are other examples too of course but my cousin really stands out because she never changed. I saw a lot of wrong in Paris and these people didn't just own the street they owned the area code, their behavior was generational. It's how they raised their children, it was normal. In TV shows you see families use love to raise children, then the child understands love and in-turn projects that love outwards to others, they aren't unaliving each other or doing all of the other things I won't mention. No one ever said to me 'this is love' it's something I found from TV shows and internet places where I shouldn't have been. When people say 'this corporation has no soul they just made one hundred people redundant before Christmas', that's why.

They don't see those people as human, not at all. They see them as statistics and numbers, they move numbers around to make a profit and that's simply all they care about. I hear how people at the top talk about people at the (bottom sorry) and it just feels wrong. I see people being treated in the absolute worst ways in some places I visit, those really dark corners and it just kills me sometimes. I love my family of course but I know there's no reciprocated empathy. That's why I live this kind of lifestyle, I can carry out an action to make someone else happy, do my absolute best, strive for nothing short of perfection and once I get that 'good job' I know I did it right and then I feel happy for it. We don't use the L word, no one ever has, just being enough is all I need. No one taught me how to feel, I learned in my own way. It might not be perfect and I can't do it alone but I do know that right from wrong. That's why I resent, what that power and wealth does to people especially when it's generational. My family goes very far back, they still operate on those same policies that got them to where they are now, there's no such thing as 'enough' never enough.

I'll read what you posted in a moment.

@FuriousMachine I think you are safe, we talked for hours back and forth between the two threads. Music until the sun came up.

@Tjuz

Oh no... So my first thought was it was going to be a strangley similar feeling song to Cornelia Jakobs, albeit a different style, which threw me at the start because of the proximity of me mentioning her, but then it only took a few seconds listening to be like... oh... f***. Yeah... So I was not prepared for that. And it may have also given me a wet face.

I've moved this to chit-chat as I feel it is far more than just music, and it gives me a chance to perk up by then replying to the other stuff.

But, damn. That rocked me. And then the ending where she is basically breaking down as it fades out... just in case the ol' face isn't wet enough.

So yeah, what you have shown me is the essence of what I consider emo, but in pop form. Some Emo is poser emo, some is devastatingly open and soul rendering. This is soul rendering. That is not basic at all, b****! You absolutely tricked me 😫

Anyway... Composure recovered. Never feel you would be out of place in the music section, you posting may encourage a new user to come forward and talk about what they like, you never know. And if not, no great loss, I might check stuff out if i' tagged. I'm going to post Cornelia Jakobs after anyway, as that will basically sound lile butterflies and candyfloss when compared to Xana 🫥

Imagine away. I did try the fringe thing once upon a time, and hair straighteners were used for a period. Weirdly unexpected flashbacks to the feel and smell of that. But as in all things, I just don't have the patience or desire to present any full image, just to be me however I feel like being. I did enjoy hair dye and black nail varnish though 😄

Oh, yes. I am basically the ultimate man, kind of you to point it out 🫡 It must be declared from rooftops at least twice monthly! And no, we will never know what could have happened, maybe one more shot of sambuca, one more 'slippery-nipple' and i'm sat here on a throne of men, with a few pet emo chick's crawling around doing my bidding. We will never know. We will never know 😛

So that is me generally brushing off anything positive being said with humour. But, I appreciate your words. I'm glad that you have someone that is like that, that you can be ultimately free around and that has your back like that. So much so that it gladdens even my black heart 🖤

@Tjuz I'm going to answer little pieces at a time and update this.

If I understand correctly, that has more to do with the societal position you're in, right? I assume Coca Cola is available in Russia much like everywhere else. As for the story you gave with the invasion and your base building game, it sucks that people are so instantly reactive.

• Most Russians I know drink those soft drinks and use Western products, even during sanctions it finds it's way in. Largely because we already had those channels, ports etc. If you ask me those companies honestly don't care. It's about profits for them, they can say one thing in the public eye but do something different in the reality. It's not that soda is a kind of 'you can't drink soda, you must drink this champagne instead!' I was just not allowed soda, maybe it was the sugar, maybe it makes children rebellious but it was strictly forbidden so by the time I did try it, very strange taste. Doritos I might try some day, but I'm not in a hurry. I think you don't miss junk-food if you've never had it and when I see some of those they look a little artificial.

I think people are so quick to react when it's a no pun intended - a Mob mentality. They slot into one unit of thinking a kind of hivemind and need to follow the leader. Also so many people couldn't previously even find Ukraine on a map, it was that much of a follow the leader attitude. Social media drummed it up further with so much uneducated quotation on both sides, it's like when I saw what happened in Israel and they were showing videos of captured Israeli generals but I recognized the insignias as Armenian military staff that the Azerbaijani's had captured in Baku. I think social media was needed but not false figures and fake news, that goes for both sides. When you can confuse people you can control them, you teach them to fear, show them an offer of protection and slowly over time their rights and freedoms erode. I know a lot about that. I've been to places like Syria and Iraq, so much was lost for nothing. I had such a different view of Syria before then, it was all hidden so well. Now I know the truth, I've seen what a barrel bombs can do. Another fresh example is my time spent in the Balkans last month (hence why I speak Albanian) parts of Kosovo are riddled with unexploded landmines, most likely left on the way out. That's not military strategy to me, it's collateral damage. Unfortunately our armies exceed in that department and I don't like it, I don't believe in innocent people losing their homes, their lives.

In fencing there's a balance, you respect the other person, you know where you stand and you know where they stand, it's equal footing and it depends on skill. It also involves respecting your opponent, you work in unison and in a kind of chivalry. There are penalties for going out of those bounds and you don't use excessive force. I don't see that in modern military engagement, I saw a lot of propaganda from both sides. My attitude wasn't 'we're going to win' it was 'why are we doing this'. I was been given a story and I couldn't believe it, so when people reacted with fudge you (insert name here) I took it onboard and did what I understand in war. Dismantle and get out, I tore that thing down as fast as possible. I've had to leave places fast before, actual real life places and my mind went into standard operating procedure. I didn't want to erase my work or myself but it's all I knew.

I personally view the Russian government and the people of Russia as entirely separate things.

• Thank you truly, that's how I view every friend I've ever met in places where you conform or become tagged as a trouble maker and they get removed. That's why that UAE thread bothered me. Sometimes we live under such conditions but that doesn't mean we agree with them. Like gay rights, I just see love as love, love comes as a God given right, not a government given right.

Some people of course take the cards they're handed and run with it not looking back, but you've given me ample examples that you will look critically at the position you're in and try whatever's within your capability to share the privilege with whoever you can.

• When your life is that deck of cards you learn to read the rest of the deck, each key figure of the court are organized in a way that makes sense, when you see that order on a daily basis and the kind of undying loyalty to that court you understand how to play the game. Maybe you shuffle it a little and gamble to create a better outcome. I've tried to help a lot of people and any time it backfired I paid dearly but that person was playing another game. I had strong feelings for him, and I knew he was lying to me, it went against every other conversation we ever had. He was putting up a front and I saw right through it. He only saw the potential jackpot and was willing to try to use deception to get it. Poker is about the cards not the words and he had only words. My logical mind kicked my heart out so to speak (it was automatic) and I told someone offline, I threw away any notion of him ever caring about me.

Verbal calls aren't binding in Poker, neither was he. That's how my mind dealt with it, I saw it as a game he was playing with my heart and something kicked in to logically deal with the situation. Which might be why I feel trauma differently, it became a lesson and one I cling tightly to even today. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't need a hit and run (Poker) I didn't even see it as cashing out. I wanted to leave the table and go back to playing Bridge with someone more worthy of my heart, Bridge isn't about lucky shortcuts and certainly not about bluffing, it's about respecting the other player. Something he obviously never had for me to begin with.

This might be somewhat of a forced comparison, but it reminds me of when invisible minorities would have certain codes (whether verbal or material) that would sign to the other person that this is a safe person to approach. It seems to me that this is the same in a way, but the message is simply different.

• I understand codes more than I can even talk about. Every community has it's own codes of conduct, some make it visible for example with ink and if I went to venture out into the hall right now I might see such a person. I have no ink because once again that's part of that gender divide and of a kind of ranking system, much like military. The more stars one has the higher their rank. The visible symbol I adhere to is mainly for when we are out and about but under his roof a collar is exactly what it sounds like. One might sparkle, the other might not, and maybe there are different types. Sometimes you need to choose functionality over fashion.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. The way you've described him makes him sound like a wise man and one that serves as the antithesis to the negative portrayal of the elite in media. It's horrible that you can't fully know what happened (even though it sounds like your gut feeling is the worst-case scenario)

• That goes back to my post about empathy. Some people have none and they make power plays to benefit either themselves or others. He was a good man, maybe he didn't always have time for me and maybe he could have done more to stop certain things but he did care in his own way. I think it's a show of strength when you can sit quietly in a room with a person who could do something like that and simply do nothing. All I see are people react, my reaction is personal choice, the choice to do nothing is still a choice and goes back to what I said about Viktor Frankl 'Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances'. My circumstance puts me in a room with that person and my choice will always be to do nothing, I'm not afraid of them. I'm afraid of myself and I don't want to lose my humanity, I've fought too hard to keep it.

Do you feel like part of the reason he moved you to the UK for schooling was also because of the danger? The way you described it sounds like that wasn't the primary reason for you, but I can imagine your family would've dealt with a very similar issue as the people who were sent there exclusively for safety reasons.

• This is tricky, you know how fire crackers sound? I was once at a funeral service when I heard what I thought were fire crackers, they weren't. I've heard a lot of fire crackers since then. In most developed nations a bad business deal doesn't result in that, people talk it out they don't fight it out. That's what I mean by soldiers. It doesn't get reported. It becomes a kind of feud and it never ends, Albania is similar. there's a tradition known as Kanun, it's more tribal, more secluded and it's very old. It's the embodiment of an eye for an eye, to those tribes and clans it's part of their culture. It's a kind of code of law, you have to respond in kind. When you grow up in that system you have to either learn to protect your self (boys) or be protected (girls) It doesn't end with children, I won't go anywhere without that security net. Going out with one person in a city like London is a luxury, back home it's many and that's the rule for a lot of people caught up in that system. It's the strength in numbers mentality and mostly preventative. I like to think of it as having something and not needing it than needing something and not having it. It's different for boys/Soldiers, they do what they do and they grow up very fast, they have their own way of doing things and it's more upfront.

When you enforce that gender divide so strongly you aren't just telling that one person that they are weak, you are marking them as weak to anyone else who might be looking for a way in. People have all kinds of reasons to want a way in and it's almost always by force. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't to be hurt either. I might not agree with certain customs but I understand the need to protect a person over trying to protect your money, I'd always choose the person.

Being sent to England was two-fold. It wasn't London first, it was the countryside, near a certain school. That was the education part which quickly collapsed. The second was the Person I was with. He was a close friend of my Dad's and he knew how broken certain things or pieces were. He sort of adopted me in a way and helped me to fix those pieces. He was also what you might call a strict disciplinarian but he never did anything without reason, not once. He made sure I was home schooled, made sure I had books, talked about what happened in those chatrooms and offered a way to make sense of it. I accepted and carefully learned the ropes so to speak, he saw it as one of the only ways for me to make sense of what happened.

I started to shut-down once that chat server was taken down. I'd had three years of someone talking to me, showering me with all kinds of compliments, effectively bombing me with love and dictating a schedule that wasn't his to give, but I did every single thing he said and with a smile too. Each day I raced to my computer to learn something new, it was a global group and I had one million questions for each one of them

It was a school of sorts and I don't say that lightly they actually had a school roleplay room for only adults and used to joke about having a real one. It was far past routine. And again no one questioned why I was on my computer all night, they were just happy to have me out of the way. I'd become so dependent on him so fast, I wanted to make him happy because he completed something I was missing. I yearned for his approval because his approval was engagement. It was like the butterflies feeling but daily, it didn't even matter if he wasn't talking. I'd hear his office a lot of the time, and hear his sectary coming in and out and just sit doodling and listening to music and talking/listening to random people.

His schedule become mine because no one gave me one, there was previously no bedtime it was sleep when you are tired, he gave me that schedule. If someone (I don't like the word staff) is there to bring you food and refreshments then that's what they do, no more no less, then they'd leave. They never asked questions either. When he was gone I just lost it, there was no rebelling, just nothing there. It wasn't even really the adult things he showed me, it was that older figure who seemed so wise, warm, protective, and I knew that if I wanted to feel happy all I had to was to make him happy, there were awful things going on in those rooms and he was selective enough to shelter me from some of the things I'm so glad I didn't see. I was happy with him but for all of the wrong reasons. I wasn't looking it as a future thing because I had none, I don't even think I knew the days of the week. I was lucky if I knew what planet I was on when he was gone.

I'll tell you one of those crazy head-games one of the others played on me because it shows how far gone they are too. When I was told that girl died in a car crash I was devastated, maybe a week later one of them said he was her brother and he could bring her back from the dead. I believed him, all he did was log back into that account and I thought I was witnessing real magic, I thought she came back from the dead to talk to me. That really messed me up for a long time because I wanted other people to come back to life and they didn't. Then of course I found out she never existed. It's mindblowing how anyone could say that to a child.

It's fascinating to me to see you describe Moscow as having such a class divide, when the Western view of Russia is always heavily intertwined with the ideals of communism and/or socialism.

• It's a huge divide and it's right in-front of peoples eyes. When I said the dead person in the snow I meant I saw an actual dead homeless person in the snow, no one cared. I did care, some people live in Russia others survive. I see ordinary Russians as surviving, to me that makes them survivors. Some people still hang onto that old Communist ideal but they want the lions share, for most it's Capitalism. They got too much of a taste for it when they carved up so much industry overnight, then those conflicts started. It was about taking what you can by force, it still is. Hence our armies are in another country unprovoked.

These are the kinds of thoughts that are so hard to differentiate from the Russian stereotypes you've been taught as a Westerner

• A lot of those are real, the old joke that everyone has an Uncle who is an ex KGB or a Gangster, that's normal enough when consider how big of a security state we are. We protect our own abroad too, not just at home. I can't elaborate there. I'll give you an example of a stereotype, Oligarchs/New Russians are such a stereotype that for a time you could buy jokebooks all about them, and little statues of business men. But it's real and people would judge me as one without knowing the difference. Maybe if I had the boy's ink, but then they might run away too.

I'm super impressed that you speak seven, almost eight languages! Are they all on a fluent level, or just a few fluent while the rest is basic conversational?

• A big part of that is travel, socializing and having such a mixed family. English is almost fluent, French is fluent, Albanian is better than my English, I can understand most Slavic languages because they are so similar. I picked up Italian from an ex girlfriend, very crazy girlfriend. I got by in Mexico with the Spanish I had, Czech I learned from spending so much time there and again there were enough similarities. I have no Mandarin, no Japanese (both of those are extremely difficult) I have a little basic Arabic, I can understand Serbian enough for a basic conversation because again it's so similar but I have to speak it very slowly due to the structure. I was listening to Serbian pop music maybe an hour ago and Albanian rap just before that.

I think English and Arabic are the hardest. English because for example 'breath in, breath out', but if you breath out on a glass window and it remains it's 'breath' but sounds like brett. Those small nuances trip me up some times, German goes right through me and I understand none of it. If I could learn one language it would be Breton. It's from Northern France and is currently endangered, I think it sounds lovely in song. Maybe in forty years it ill be extinct. It's not as hard as people think to learn a new language, at least if it's your choice. I think like a lot of things it's time, I'm fully aware that people have schedules, jobs, etc but think of all the free time you might spend on a game. And then there's the reason for even needing a language. I think English schools teach a small variety and then you choose one. I have no idea about America.

As for your entry into and exit from the film world, it sucks to hear that your passion was so quickly extinguished.

• I was but I'm not anymore. Almost every person I met in the film industry were there for the money, almost every musician was in the music industry for the music. Their morals are oceans apart. I think it's that Actors need the spotlight to play to, a musician just plays, often for themselves. With film it's not bad at a kind of surface level, the higher you go the worst the people get. All of those stories are real, it's systematic and expected.

It's not surprising to me at all that when you're in that world of what is, essentially, constant transactions.

• That's what wealth actually is, one big transaction after the other, until you wake up one day and realize you were a transaction too, because like I said we do it to ourselves. If we can do it to ourselves then anyone is fair game.

I do believe as a general rule of thumb that the more power a person has within any setting, the more it'll corrupt them. I'm sure there's maybe a few exceptions you can point to here and there that people would argue are ethical people in power.

• On the surface they might look ethical but the walls have ears, I've learned not to be surprised anymore because every one of them has skeletons in their closet. I've only ever seen it result in taking liberties either with things or with people.

I never considered that gaming could be such a useful tool at letting you get out of your comfort zone and meeting new people of all walks of life

• It's one of the only ways I found that provided a level playing field and then allowed me to convert that interaction into good conversation but it's in the past. At the start it was great, I met a lot of people on games like Littlebigplanet from all of the world and we started to click with some things. Then moved from game to game until somehow I had seven hundred PSN friends, I don't miss it at all. It's one of those things that are how you say good while it lasts. I should miss it but I don't.

Ohhh, it's very interesting to read of the dynamic where you questioning your husband is you questioning your parents. It makes total sense in a marriage and family like that, but I'd never seen it that way. Questioning your parents in the place you're in is, I'd presume, probably the most disrespectful thing you can do. I actually thought that metal music was a lot more political than you're telling me. I thought the appeal of it was a lot of "raging against the system" and such, but it sounds like it's a lot less politically challenging than that. Maybe I'm thinking more of genres such as punk or the like. This is where my limited music taste fails me!

• Husband? I honestly almost choked laughing sorry. I'm not married, Partner/Owner is absolutely not Husband. I believe in our D/s dynamic but marriage to me sounds like real slavery and there's a big difference between a submissive and a slave. Which I'm sure sounds wild to hear that comparison. To think you'd have more freedom being Owned by someone than married to them. Everything is still in my name, my parents are extremely particular with that. I've never signed anything over to any man, including my Ex. I'd be happy never getting married I don't understand marriage at all. It would be questioning my parents because they set up our arrangement, his family and our family are associates but absolutely not by married. We can tighten bonds and bind relations without having to go through a church. I respect marriage as a concept and all of the pomp that goes with it, also the part where you get married in the eyes of God. It might be hard to understand but there is a there is freedom in having someone else control of that freedom. Hence also having a girlfriend, I would never give up having both. It's two parts of the puzzle that when connected helps me see clearly. I don't think that Metal was rebellion, I think it was a type of music that no one understand so they had no idea what I was listening to. The other night a band called Chvrces was blocked by my browser and I tried all kinds of VPNS. When I asked on the DeepWeb they said they allies of gay rights, so my browser was absolutely blocked. It's that serious now, they are seen as extremists because of just standing up for difference. My parents always viewed Metal as 'noise' they never saw me as rebelling, they saw it as damaging my ears. Screamo especially.

I think it's dangerous to say that you "should" feel trauma from the grooming situation. I think the way you've experienced it where you still feel like you gained something valuable from the experience and can retroactively recognise the issues that were at play is honestly a way healthier way of dealing with it. I

• I did try to understand what Ravix said about trauma and I understand the English meaning. It will sound awful but I think there was a trade off, I lost something and then over time gained something. I like helping organizations who combat this sort of thing. There's not enough being done about it it because parents simply don't understand how easy it is to snare a child. The attitude I always see in the cases that organization deals with are 'not my child' but it was your child. You can't raise children on tablets and consoles and expect a sort of babysitter role from a device. I enjoy gaming but I know it's a gateway that the wrong kind of people do exploit. Tonight I looked through an old PSN account and scrolled all of my messages, everything from 'let's go on mic don't tell anyone' and 'I'm giving you permission' so much slipped by but I didn't understand. It's probably why I did have so many friends and parents need to do better. They can prevent this from happening if they gain that awareness and send them outside to play, not sit them on a tablet all day.

You're better off for being able to move past it and talk about it so candidly.

• I have to. When people don't speak up it becomes an almost non issue and once Roblox landed on the PSN I went into overdrive. They have a history of protecting the offenders and punishing the victims. For me it was a forum just like this and it happened so fast, just click one link and it was done. I'm amazed at how fast he did it and how fast I went with him. He did it like a magic trick. First it went to a site and I used that for maybe a week, he always knew when I was online and would say 'such a person will appear any moment now, watch this' and they did. He knew because he was using a program that worked with the site but he could use externally. To me it looked like magic, I was enthralled how he knew so much. I didn't know the other girls on that ice skating forum were him. He'd say 'I know what your favorite flower is' and he was right, or 'I know what scares you' again he was right because girls talk but they weren't real. I had maybe twenty four friends on that forum and at least eight of those accounts were him. Imagine trying to rotate eight accounts, but he did. It was so cunning and so patient. It was a game, he did it very slowly and was probably keeping notes as he went.

I couldn't understand how he did so much of it until we left the surface web. It had been magic and it kept me engaged. Then I saw that the group was his, moderator you say in English and thank God because he did keep me safe. I wasn't to be online without him, no one was to talk to me without going through him first, I know I was lucky. After two years I think he was starting to regret what he did, like I said he started seeing me as a person, they don't always. I find it really important to recognize the tricks and methods used to do that. There's a couple of aspects that I wouldn't describe because it was too dark but I always put every other detail on the table, it's the only way to understand that predatory mindset. Every one of them in that room were hiding a secret, their spouse, family, neighbours didn't know. They perfected staying hidden in plain sight, the women too. It wasn't even strength in numbers because they operated solo offline, they'd been doing it so long that they'd evolved and no suspected a thing.

It's funny that people will use the term "too smart for your own good" against you, when in reality it sounds more like they mean that you're too open-minded for your own good.

• I never looked it at that way but it's interesting. It never came up until t.A.T.u. and my questions about gay people. I just didn't understand why it was okay for two girls to be together but not two boys. I must have hit on something because that was the end of the discussion and it didn't come up again until I said I liked both boys and girls. And even today, even after talking to you I'm still very confused about sexuality. Now it's gone from taboo to actual extremist material. It didn't hit me until maybe a day or two after we first talked.

I saw how strange it sounded (to you) for a heterosexual male to treat having two women (who were together as a trophy) I sort of mentioned it to my Partner and he instantly changed the subject. I said I thought God says who can love who, not governments. I still don't understand why we're beating people up for love and putting them in jail. I ask and still 'it's just wrong' but then 'I like girls too' 'but you are a girl' it makes no sense. It's confusing the ever loving fudging Christ out of me and all I can think is they turned my preference into a commodity. It's the only answer I have. It just feels like even love is one rule for me and one rule for everyone else. Nor can I understand the dangers of being gay, only the danger of being gay when it's against the law.

I'm not very familiar with the Chechens you mentioned, but I have heard a passing mention of that conflict here or there. I'm definitely not as worldly as you when it comes to knowing deeply about many different cultures!

• Basically there were a number of terror attacks on Moscow throughout the years, one particular bad one was on a theater. a lot of innocent people. Then sprinkled throughout were other attacks, but in the ninety's we invaded their country. It's a long story but because of my Party upbringing it was made clear that the Chechen's were in the wrong. Of course my question 'why what happened?' 'they are just bad', and that was it. Put this way what if years from now I was born instead of a number of years ago. Would it be 'Ukrainians are bad', we invaded them too. I don't know what kind of story we'll tell our children. It's absolutely senseless, I know no other English word for it.

I think there's quite a few more of those "fringe" ethnic groups that Russia feels the need to deal with, right?

• In my words I call that racism. The groups would be Central Asia/Africa, visually different, different cultures (and yet I eat their food) Something from the start I never liked was racism. I've been too close to that political racism, it's not my family they aren't that way but as you know when you move between different circles you encounter people. I mentioned my time in Paris and how horrible that old money family was. They were extremely racist and I did not like that one bit. Which they picked up on and I won't elaborate on their response, but it wasn't light. I don't understand racism in my country because I don't understand not liking someone because they have a different skin colour or other features. I've been to so many countries and saw so many faces, skin colours and people were just people. I wasn't afraid of them, I was afraid of the people who were afraid of them. My brain just can't push past a why. This is an awful example but I don't know how to phrase it. There are two cats, one is black, the other is white. I just see 'cat', not the colour. I'd be happy to play with either.

I'm glad you're able to consume so many books! You being well-read seemingly has shaped a lot of the way you view the world... and what made your opinions possibly dangerous to the status quo you're living in.

• I'm really careful with my reading. The site I host my library on is one I frequently hide, adjust and even change the account name on. I did it over the weekend again. I have a lot more leeway in London but I'd never do this back home. My methods is to form a question then read about that subject, if a book gives me that answer then I'm happy but I did get caught reading about the Chechen War and I got an earful. I was considering books about gay rights, even on Kindle I'm nervous. I know back channels but still that thing with Chvrces made my ears perk up on the alert. My browser locked me out and that doesn't happen. This is new, making gay music extremist propaganda, I listened to Lady Gaga and of course Queen with no issues. My friend checked and explained, but it was the weekend so he was smoking marijuana. I understood most of it as some kind of 'they think being gay can spread to other people', which makes no logical sense. Is that something you've actually heard before?

I don't think I'll ever understand anti-gay things to be honest, even if it was gay people can't make babies they can adopt babies and a lot of babies will need to be adopted after this war finally ends. It doesn't bear thinking about, but sometimes I do.

When you say you feel it impossible to mix with the children of other business people, do you feel like your father's impact is what kickstarted that difference in your worldviews?

• I think children of most Oligarchs are just awful people. We both have the same shiny things but they rub it in peoples face, drink until they pass out, sexualize anything with two legs, break expensive things for the sake of it, say the most awful things about people. They just don't have empathy, they really don't care about anything. They didn't come up with the same ideals, there's no structure.

I'm not sure what comparison I can make because I've been around so many people from Hollywood kids, Saudi kids, and some British Royal kids, there was always varying degrees of not caring. Hollywood kids were just living in their parents shadow and harmless enough, Saudi kids were as you say a mixed bag, some guys were okay and we had some good conversations but never 'met' on some things. Our worlds were too different, I didn't even pray, now I do but that's different. There was a girl who's parents were related to the British Royals, everything was 'yes please' 'thank you please' she had manners. We got on well until we discussed music and movies, she had none of either. That was a little too odd even for me. She'd seen none, as in zero.

I find no common place with Oligarch kids, it's all about making as much of a visible scene as possible. I don't know if you noticed but I've never taken drugs, I'm fine with wine, everything they ingest is some kind of drug. I think the last straw or the defining moment was when we were out one night in Moscow, maybe nine of us. It started to get progressively worse, I told him he was far too young and I have specific preference, he wouldn't push off until someone came over and did it for me. It was near the end of the night and I'd had enough, I just wanted to go home. There was a bottle left on the table and someone came to clear the table, he started giving them grief, the person moved to clear my side and when they leaned their head went down he poured the bottle on their head. You know this saying to see red? I saw red. One of my guys rushed over because I think I was going to whap that idiot with the bottle, I was so angry. Then noticed I was wet too, it went everywhere, covered both of us and I told him I'd tell my Dad what he did if he didn't apologize to us both, he did and fast.

My mind automatically said 'absolutely disgusting behavior' and I wanted to throw the bottle at him but didn't, I told my parents that I didn't need friends, that thank you but I'm fine. I never went out with that group again. When he phoned the next day. I told him to never contact me again and to remove any pictures of me from that page or I'd send someone to go do it. I refreshed the page an hour later and he'd done it. They are cowards and bully smaller people for amusement, I didn't bully him I made a factual statement, someone was going to go over to his home and get my pictures off that page. I wanted nothing to do with them again. I don't have the words for how disgusted I was, I didn't care that I was wet. Just the fact someone could do that. Wrong is the only word I have. I should have told my Dad, maybe he could have done with some lessons from a real man. His Father was an idiot too and had about as much dress sense as an elf in July.

Something I didn't mention in what I said about empathy. And again it was so 'normal' that it didn't even occur to me to say it. Correct me if I'm wrong but regular (ordinary sounds wrong) parents send their children to school to socialize not just to learn. Which if I'm right means they spend less time around their parents, instead it's other children. I've seen how other children govern play but my cousin is a product of what I'm going to say. This is hard to explain. I'm going to try to describe what I think school does and why it's important. Children learn from other children as in to be social, adults serve as role models as sorts for education, language skills develop, you learn around the world about history, if there are business classes you learn how money and economies work, you are told what each job in life does and then study to get to get a particular job. You then use those earnings to provide for yourself and the family you make.

The way it works with generational is, you might go to school but you aren't told 'study hard', it's to keep up appearances, there's no pressure to learn just to attend and if you do make waves be discrete enough so it can be covered up. It's not 'I must get a job to survive', it's as you said nepotism, you know you'll be provided for. Other children become something you see as a comparison of wealth, not of interests like music. Or it becomes 'my Daddy makes his money by doing X Y Z' they aren't living for themselves, they are living for their parents because they are raised to inherit and to steer a ship. They become an investment. I touched physical money eight years ago because I wanted to put some coins in a fountain. It's not a case of learning how to manage money, that's a job title for someone a money manager, they do all of that. Money gets replaced with power, it's about how much power and influence you can gather, it's a currency of it's own.

You can teach a child about money by presenting them with some coins and notes and saying 'see this? this is how it works'. The only way you can teach a child about power and influence is to hold it over someone else, and make that action visible to a child. That's what I mean by 'we need to toughen her up'. It's done from a very young age and it's not always subtle, it discombobulates the child, they see something that should be awful but are told 'this is right, it's normal'. Home schooling means you don't even get that 'away time' from the adults around you, I learned to see staff (again I don't know another word) as people because everything they did was to help me, if I needed food they'd bring it, if I needed to go somewhere they'd bring me, I engaged with them and sometimes they engaged with me. If you talk to someone they become 'real', not just a name or a function, then slowly you gradually build up a dialogue. At the same time there is a push-back on both sides because maybe they are told to not engage with you or you are told not to engage with them. That's rebellion too but unlike the other kinds of rebellion they can get in trouble too, so I'm careful.

I have a hypothetical for you. If you form a friendship with someone who helps you like that, becomes friendly and interested in you as a person but they also have a job. You see them daily, it's a routine like 'it's nine in the morning, such a person will come soon with tea'. What you don't realize is their routine becomes yours too, nine in the morning becomes 'I'm going to tell them about a song I found', not 'I want my tea'. Sometimes they might want to converse with you too, and sometimes they just won't, maybe it's professionalism (white gloves mentality) or maybe they are afraid of you or what you represent and think you have a bad side that they haven't seen yet and won't take the risk. There's an unspoken understanding with adults, not children.

Maybe one day someone decides that the person was tripping up in their duties, and that maybe if they spent more time on their work and less on talking to someone then they wouldn't be called up for it. That person then becomes a display of power, maybe someone hurts them for not doing their job and as a chain reaction you feel that hurt too because you were the one who got them in trouble. That's how you toughen someone up. You take something natural like the need for conversation and say 'you did this'. It confuses the child, the child didn't lay a hand on the person but it was their actions that caused it. It becomes a lesson in cause and affect. I don't know what happened to my cousin to make her slot people even me into categories like that but she's an adult now and hasn't changed. I remember that 'kitties don't sit at the dinnertable' day like it was yesterday, it was so matter of fact, she learned it somewhere. We watched the Aristocats, maybe it was that. I'll never know, I just know her Father should have stepped in that day. Unless he was behind it, I've never understood him at all.

When you say you can never go to a place like a museum alone in London, am I right in thinking you're then accompanied by some kind of security that keeps an eye on you? I assumed that your partner didn't follow you around all the time when you live between UK and Russia, but I might be wrong there.

• I like the word friend but the definition of the job is bodyguard, which I'm not fond of but in the Middle East they call them bullet catchers which I think is worse. All I can think of as a reference is that movie Man on Fire, I saw that movie and recognized a lot of myself in it. The person was hired to do a job, through conversation he became less cold, he saw her as a person not as an asset that he was paid to protect. I saw guardianship, maybe others saw something else. I know it was a movie but I took some lessons from it, I even read the book. You know the saying kid gloves? Think of someone who can switch between kid gloves with you, then boxing gloves if someone becomes a threat to you. I'm not saying they are gentle to you, if they think you need to leave it's 'we're going' it's not something to debate because they know their job better than you do. If the bond is there they might want to protect you for 'you', that's happening less and less because of war. It flips a switch to a more higher alert phase, very strict professionalism. That's what happened over the weekend, I couldn't reach him at all. Also my Partner was away and I'm sure that was part of it too.

It's a really odd concept for a lot of people, needing someone to accompany you everywhere. Is it the lack of privacy part? I kind of see it like 'if you fly somewhere you need a pilot' so to me it becomes 'if I walk somewhere I need a friend'. People in the music industry had friends too, which made it easier to blend into that world. The photos I shared with Ravix and Stitch were possible because that press-pit was full of security, some of mine were there too but people would be none the wiser. I was able to take my photos, enjoy my hobby and be part of something bigger. I felt part of each concert because in a way I was, but a lot of it was seen through a lens too. I call that compromising. In film you have what's called a closed set, that's security too. We probably have different definitions of walking too, I mean outside but not outside. If I walked out the door know I'd walk through the garden etc and get air, I know someone would be watching but they wouldn't be right on my heels. I don't take walks down the street if that's what you mean? If I want to go to a bookshop we park by the door, it's done with structure, it's not wandering casually between stores. I've never done that. If I'm out with my Partner he's my mental security but we are never alone, they see everything. Which is what I mean when I said 'under his roof', they see things the guys at home/my parents home wouldn't see. I'm trying to think of even one moment where I was alone, as in your definition.

I think my definition is that technically I'm alone right now in this room, but if I walk through the doors into the hall there's someone there, if the house was empty then that to you would be alone. I've never lived in an empty house. I think also you might mean physical closeness when you mentioned a museum, that's a right beside me kind of thing. A painting is in their field of vision too but they are focused on more than those brush strokes, they are focused on the finer details of the room or whoever might be walking by, I don't impede on their concentration. That goes for driving too, I'll try to talk to them when we get back home, maybe discuss the exhibits. I can't when we're out, it's like distracting a pilot during take-off or landing. My Partner doesn't always travel with me, friends always do, and when we arrive there are friends there too especially back home. I've seen some parts of London by either car or by air but that's the same for everywhere I've lived. I knew the Upper East Side of NYC, that became all of New York for me. I know other parts exist (DareDevil has Hell's Kitchen) I just don't see them.

Through your privilege, you are offered so many opportunities that regular folks will simply not get... but through your privilege, you're also withheld from enjoying the more simple pleasures of life that regular folks get to experience for free.

• I'm not sure how to answer that. Except maybe with a question, if you yourself decide to just go out without a schedule what do you even do? just walk randomly from place to place for the air or is there a goal? If I was playing Infinity Nikki there's a goal but I see things too. If you live on that street then you see the same things again and again, why do you do it? Is it just to be outside or is there a part I'm missing.

People say money doesn't buy happiness, and I think that's both true and untrue. I think a lot of what regular folks struggle with and brings them unhappiness can be solved by money.

• That's the divide. In my situation actual money doesn't exist, I don't see it, don't touch it. For everyone else they handle it every day, the reinforcement is there and they in-turn learn that this object provides goods and services. It gives them morals and teaches them the importance of what it can do. It's a kind of respect. I understand that by definition. I was never told 'you need X amount to do this', I was told you 'you need permission from - to do this'. I never saw money as fixing a problem, I saw a person as fixing a problem. If I did have some problems, money won't fix them because that other person only values power and influence.

An example might be through colour, money is all different colours and so are walls. Colour is something that lasts (as a concept and an idea) but paint fades. It can temporarily enrich your life and make things look very nice and quite presentable to others. Eventually you might to see that paint fade, maybe even crack. The only way to fix the problem is to keep applying paint, I see paint as covering up something that to me was already beautiful in it's own way.

Whether it's never having to worry about healthcare again or being able to treat yourself to a just-too-expensive item you've always wanted at an impulse.

• That's why I believe in philanthropy, I know how broken so many healthcare systems are, it's a way to try to bring some balance into alignment and why that person in that PSN knew to try what they did. It was something I had a passion for and I knew it was for the right reasons. The friend who left more recently, one of the things they said to me was 'if I had four million dollars my life would be perfect', I asked what they'd do with it and I was given a list of what they'd buy. Then I asked how would you protect it? how would you invest it? They didn't comprehend that someone would try to steal from them, kidnap them, nothing of the sort. A couple of years ago in London (broad daylight) someone driving a Veyron had their windscreen smashed and were pushed off the road to rob them. That one car was worth three million pounds, they wanted the watch. My friend didn't understand the risk. There's always risk when you have something that someone else wants. The only way it works is if you sequester yourself away safely, by doing that you switch one life for another, and in my opinion you lose your identity in the process. I can only see one angle, I try to see both. Everyone has some kind of hardship, maybe we hide it better.

I'm shocked you were in North Korea! I didn't realize Russia and North Korea was close in all honesty. That must've been a crazy experience.

• It's how their children are raised. They live in a kind of bubble that I identify with (in parts) I'm not saying I identify with the one Party ideal, that's how you get racism and people being jailed for loving someone who just so happen to be the same gender. I identified with how we were raised, the same hobbies (that were often chosen by someone else) the push for absolutely unquestioned etiquette and obedience to their parents, I saw that in them too. The push to see The West as an enemy (which I don't) the kind of ushering and set-dressing of your environment, they saw what their parents wanted them to see. I saw that dead homeless person in the snow, they didn't. It was more than that too, they didn't travel so they didn't see how other cultures live. We were there for diplomatic reasons, not a vacation because like I said I don't do those. When it's that kind of attendance it's focused a lot on 'try our cuisine, come see our parks etc', what I saw was a really unsettling hero worship or fandom of 'we fought in this war, we did this' it was destructive not constructive. War was hero worshiped, war is killing people. It was just rows of things that in my mind were for, and properly were used, to end lives. They didn't view it as 'this is the past', they viewed it as an on-going war mentality. I didn't see it as a place, my feet were on the ground but my mind wasn't. I can't find the words. I think I just went into auto-pilot there, it was too surreal.

I can understand what you're describing in terms of the "angry nanny" all too well. Not that I have a bad relationship with my own mother, but more so with certain relationships I've had. The men you mentioned you went on dates with who were scared. At the time you first told me this, I didn't fully understand the situation you're in, but am I right to assume now that it was your status and your family that scared them?

• Oh she wasn't angry by default, she was protective and we did a lot of things together but she had a temper and when it came out it was for a reason. I'm not sure what my relationship with my Mum is, she's perplexing.

They were pre-screened, I didn't just meet three random men from the internet. One was in shipping, the one who cried. The other in hotels and I think gyms, the pilot wasn't commercial. I have no idea what made that first man cry. Maybe it was me, maybe I did something on auto-pilot and it was a redflag for him. No one entered the room it was just the two of us. The second one was the two of us, but he did leave the room then came back with 'this was a mistake', the third said the same thing. When it happens back home/Moscow I know why. It's the same reason that idiot Oligarch kid apologized after that drink when I said I'd tell my Dad. He had a good reason to be afraid of that outcome, maybe someone gave those three men a reason, I didn't.

I was perfectly polite and cordial, I listened to everything they said at dinner. I just wanted to try dating. I believe in subtly, those around me don't always. Friends do have a habit of losing my phone number though, after a while it's no longer a coincidence. If I was to hazard a guess I think certain people want to associate with certain other people because the image they portray is perhaps dangerous and mysterious, after some time they realize it's not an image it's that persons life. If that were the case I'd understand why those last two men reacted the way they did. It's possible they thought I was the daughter of an Oligarch, which I'm not. Then someone reminded them of the difference, which made them decide it's best to not pursue further. I would have liked to have spent more time with the first one, he was very kind, humble in a way too, if only just to talk.

You said you're not going to search for friends anymore outside of the Deep Web, but is that something you've actively done and craved for a while then? Do you have a big social circle of people aside from the people you're expected to interact with?

• The DeepWeb is a mix of just casual chat in chatrooms run by people who's ideals match mine, we're all there for a reason, we help each other, we're not on there to hurt anyone, I've grown good connections with certain people and groups on there, none of us want to see the world burn. Their methods are complex but not malicious, I've learned a lot about networks and computers over there, it keeps me a couple of steps ahead. It wasn't always as needed, maybe it's just war, words become weapons, my family wouldn't be happy if they knew I was against war, it would be bad for me but it would be worse for the person who told them. It's not ideal, it's that little bit of contact that I know I need to stay strong in my resolve. Propaganda isn't easy to live under. You are constantly thinking 'maybe they are right', now more than ever where Europe became the enemy. I can't believe that, I won't.

When you mean social do you mean friends like in TV series like Buffy/Xander/Willow? That kind of a way? None, no one like that. My girlfriend has friends but our lives there are one hundred percent separated. I've had PSN friends but was told they weren't real then they proved that themselves with their actions. I mentioned a best-friend on the movie thread before, that's my girlfriend but obviously we have a structure/guidelines too. We're very tight-knit, it's always been that way. We'll move somewhere, associate with specific groups, but there's always some kind of previous connection, at our core we all already know each other because we all follow that similar structure. The guys under his roof are his people, his family. The guys under my roof are my family, my people. I don't even think of not having any, if that makes sense? I'm surrounded by people quite frequently but of a specific kind, sometimes worlds might cross and I'll meet a favorite singer, I'll know their music not the person, they have no common-ground. Do you have friends, what do you do together?

Would you say Russian media censorship has gotten noticeably worse over time? I always assumed that it stayed fairly consistent.

• That's tricky because when I say decades behind I mean the kind of extreme censorship people are seeing now is similar to the kind of curated experience I've grown up with. A regular person might see that an App they used become banned like say Twitter, whereas I was never allowed to have a Twitter. It's the same idea of 'you'll be exposed to this content, so you can't have it', only now it's the Government saying it to ordinary people. I haven't had something like SnapChat either because I was told the same thing and now it too is banned because terrorists used it. I know they don't beat up people and put them in jail for protesting in London, I've seem them. I'm not sure that people do protest anymore. If I watched TV it's controlled by the State so everything there would be customized as you say. I think I last saw Western news five years ago, and TV maybe three years ago. I know Roblox was banned for being gay, not because it housed so many Groomers. You'd be arrested for explaining a lot of the gender information to me, probably tagged as an extremist. I used to use Reddit but don't really anymore, I know it's been banned before on and off. I'm not allowed to have Facebook and I'm quite certain that's banned now too but obviously VKontakte isn't because it's our Facebook and one hundred percent under monitoring.

It's gotten worse for ordinary people but when you are raised by that system it's already part of your life. With my President there was a kind of media push, I'll try find one one. This is what I was guided towards, it's a song about wanting a man like Putin, and the reasons why, strong, etc.

It's in the lyrics 'my boyfriend is dumb, he smokes and he drinks, my boyfriend is dumb like Austin Powers (The West) I told him get out I need a new boyfriend, I saw him on TV yesterday, global affairs, with a similar man I'll feel okay, I decided my man must be like Putin'. You hear that enough as a young girl you believe it. It becomes a template for what you need to how you say, aspire to be with. I hear it now and I can feel my childhood. I also hear my childhood in Underoath and all of those bands but they didn't speak clearly to me, songs like that did, they were in my language and directed my way. I was always shown pictures of him with animals and I love animals, even images of him playing piano and I do that too, and of course a military commander. That's what I mean by Memes, I have a hard time seeing through them because some of those same Memes were used to portray that same image. It's very hard for a mind to see past that when it's daily and everywhere you go and all people talk about. I don't think I'll break past a lot of that, it's too rooted. It's also a man not a boy see? As in you don't want a boy you want a strong man, there's no comprise that's what the lyrics tell you. I believed it all.

You don't feel like I've made you even a little gayer? My influence is waning! Just kidding, of course, haha. I just think it's funny to play into that stereotype whenever someone brings it up exactly because it is so ridiculous.

• I understand it and you but that stereotype would get you hurt or worse in my country and I'd hate that. If you look a certain way (even if you're not gay) that can be a risk too, people assume, often wrongly. Just looking gay is dangerous now, or those Pride colours, very dangerous. My friend fled because she was gay, we had a really strong friendship (maybe too strong) I talked to her for years almost daily, we even played online games together.

She was a little older but the nicest person, she knew who my family were and converted that fear into something else. She actually talked directly to my Dad, laid her cards on the table and he respected her for it. She was educated, very well spoken and we even talked some English together, she understood my way of life and never ran away, I had to learn not to spoil her but she was just worth it. I still message one of her accounts when I start a new game, or it's a holiday, I did it for almost three years now, the 'read' notification never pops up. It's sort of like a conversation but not, I think one day she'll see it but I don't know. This was the last confirmed one then I never heard from her again. I thought she just didn't want to be friends anymore until I saw gay people being arrested, then I understood. When you say a friend she was the last one.

I don't know where she was when we talked, I'd thought Saint Petersburg then after she never replied I'd realized she hadn't even been using Russian throughout the whole conversation. I naturally switched languages because she did. I think she was already leaving Russia or had left and that was some kind of farewell. I could in theory find her, she doesn't want to be found and I don't want to put her in danger. After talking to you it only occurred to me that she was openly gay, we talked daily for years about everything but homosexuality. It never came up. Maybe that's what she talked to my Dad about, maybe she agreed not to. I didn't see it as gay because it was two girls, I'd been told it was gay if it was two men. Now she can't even be herself in her own country, but I can because 'it's okay as long as you still have a Man'. Things weren't always like this, I've never missed anyone before but I know I miss her, it's the one thing I can't turn off.

You guys can chit chat

@kyleforrester87 We've been talking all weekend into the AM and are getting caught up on previous posts.

@GirlVersusGame did you manage to get some decent sleep and return to more of a normal routine?

I feel like there was something else I thought of, but i'm a bit distracted now and my mind has voided itself of anything of value.

Maybe it was that hopefully you saw me thanking you for the latest interaction, as I did want you to know that I am grateful for that. But I have been kind of mixing everything up we talked about into this combined mess of the genuine and the slightly less serious, which is hard enough for me to understand in native English as i'm writing it, and must be a nightmare for a non-native. I maybe shouldn't mix up my tone so frequently, but again "life is a joke" so even when I am trying to have a normal conversation, I can't help twist it or frame it in a way that amuses me or keeps me from getting too bored of my own words, or overly emotional. Plus we were talking about like 3/4 different things all at once.

I should have ended with the question, rather than start. Oh well. Fin

@Ravix I did finally and even slept when we went out last night, I slept through two hours of people talking, drinking, etc, then W/we went home and I slept again so I definitely caught back up. I don't really mind a combined mess, it's something I can slowly unravel if I actually dedicate the time to doing it. I think that's part of it too, I have the option to do it and no one's telling me to do it. Also you might think your dictation or phraseology might go off the rails, talk to a hacker boy for any length of time. I'd almost call that a language, sometimes it feels like morse code. I really enjoyed our conversation, and odd as it sounds but the music helped to follow it too because when we were talking about bands like Hawthorne Heights I understood what you meant, or Alkaline Trio's Burn, it was a kind of language we both already had, music is really powerful like that. A genre like Emo/Screamo is very direct, it's hard to mix meaning when someone is pouring their heart out or screaming their heart out. I applied what I'd felt with those bands all those years ago and then instantly got what you were saying.

I want to be careful how I say this too but when you mentioned a wet face I thought that it was a good thing, not because I got something out of knowing you were upset. I mean because you were obviously holding onto something tightly and I've never once seen anything good come from constantly bottling up emotions. Especially for guys, I'd never seen a grown man cry until that night and he wasn't one of us. I haven't seen one cry since. At funerals they shed tears behind sun glasses, I know what they are doing but the macho image is to be tough. I don't see crying as a weakness, I see it as something the body naturally does when it needs to. You needed to, I wouldn't think anything less of someone displaying something so human.

@GirlVersusGame well, this is good news then, and worth a celebration! Back to normality, however weird that may be for us! 🥂

I totally agree, wet face was probably required, and little overdue. It used to maybe be a more common thing, but it does refresh and reset the mind and put things into perspective. Talking in tongues, talking in code, that maybe also helps. I feel like we had a base understanding at that moment though, I agree. I did eventually veer away from the more upsetting aspects of that period, as my mood lifted and I lingered less, and it is really not gaming forum friendly to delve too deep into that, either. But I feel we understand the kind of feelings that are prominent within the community of us that do listen to this kind of music, especially in our formative years as we traverse our own complicated lives and relationships. I don't even want to use the Internet standard phrases for some of those specific things, tbh, as they deserve more respect than shorthand, but also maybe it is best to be keeping some of those things hidden from a gaming forum for people of all ages. But our minds all have scars that need time to heal. (Maybe I should have used a lyric here, but there would be too many to choose from)

I suppose the same can be said for the other topic we touched on. Although for you, like you say, it is a more '24/7' thing, and it is me that is a mere amateur in comparison. But to that topic I say, "Avert thine eyes, those of you that do not want their innocent minds poisoned by our words" 🙈

I still kind of hope @Tjuz finds the little jokes I peppered in for them to find, though. I thought it would break the 4th wall nicely if they were still reading through the comment, as I had combined my responses to you both in the same body of text anyway. And I really can't help being very silly.

I'm sure there are times we will return to similar talks, I can't deny my deepest workings are still the same as they always were. I have maybe spent too much time masking some of that in my life for various reasons, but honestly my normal is weird (obviously) my normal is overly emotional (tick) and my normal is me. And I wouldn't change that. (Some may wish I would 😛)

I never know how to end long comments...

As you were.

@Ravix It's going to be hard to understand this but the people around me speak in a code too, you might call it slang but it has a different meaning. I read languages and mannerisms, all day long and people are just people. I will say this, if someone told me that speaking about their emotions was 'talking in tongues', I'd be concerned because I'd translate that as 'they so rarely address those issues that the near mention of it becomes supernatural and outside their normal reality'. I do agree with why it might seem 'avert thine eyes' but I see that dynamic as more about the mind not the body, I don't sexualize it like bad movies. It's not theatrics, it's something I respect and never take for granted. My Partner would have a different take on it and my Ex would say something completely different because to him Ownership meant something more primal, that's where wires get crossed and any hope of educating through an alternative relationship goes out the window. It's why things stay taboo in the shadows and frightens people away from trying new things.

Like a videogame the one with that girl with all of the sexual costumes and the black hair, should I not play it because of her clothes? should I not talk about it because of those poses? It's probably a good game but if I let first appearances rule my life I'll never learn anything. I picked up most of your jokes after I went back and carefully filed through each conversation, the lyrics were a lot more obvious and a kind of shared experience if that makes sense. I may not have gotten to see Underoath play this weekend but in a way I did and it was a with a friend.

@GirlVersusGame regarding talking in tongues and code, I generally just meant us on here, keeping it weird and obtuse for the sake of anyone on the forum that it might be too heavy for if they casually see certain words or themes. Some of the topics are not for everyone for 2 very different reasons. But I felt we were still understanding each other despite that. For example, it is why I didn't quote the full lyrics when I said maybe you're a vampire in relation to the lack of sleep, as that song is brutal and unrelated in the most part to my meaning at that specific time, but it does actually focus on some of the other heavy things that we were eluding to at other times, too. Hence it is kind of code.

In relation to me, personally, it is less code, more avoidance, at times. But in my most natural state well... I open up, like the back of a book. I ruin everything with just a quick look

I don't think I will ever mention that video game again, or anything about what people say about it on any side, as it will only get me in trouble 😅 everyone is so quick to descend into finger pointing and looking for reasons to dismiss things though. A similar thing happened to Hogwarts Legacy. KCD. All sorts of games, but that one you mention was extra overblown. The best example overall is KCD and KCDII, ironically. As that happened both ways. The first was apparently bad for one extreme. The second apparently bad for another extreme. And i'm in the middle thinking, they are just games they want to make, not some kind of evil plot against people each time. Most of society (it seems) now look for evil where there is none. But I suppose that comes after years of society not noticing that there was sometimes evil that was right in front of them. Maybe one day society finds a balance between the two.

I am glad that you, in a way, got to see Underøath. And if there was an echo in here, then surely I would echo that. If there was indeed something to echo, of course.

Encore

@Ravix Conjure One said it best.

Without sleep there are no dreams
Without dreams, we fall apart at the seams

@GirlVersusGame I am not familiar with this one. But hopefully it is only me doing any falling apart at the aforementioned seams, lately.

(Here I go off on one) the fact you mentioned seams is incredibly coincidental, as earlier yesterday evening I had some music on chilling, and was kind of half drifting off, and it triggered some really vivid and minutely specific memories that led to more memories still in this wave of almost visual feeling. And actual physical seams were part of the first memory in such an obscure way (I have weird relationships and you couldn't even guess). Also i'm going to be utterly obtuse, as it is such a specific, unique and intimate memory of a very pure, loving and deeply personal interaction shared with another, but this also led to this really awkward and hilarious memory which i'd love to turn into a full anecdote because I live for the awkward, weird, and I think that part of it is actually quite funny 🙈

@Ravix Oh so if you've heard of Delirium? It's the same frontman/project, he moved onto his next project after a couple of years later and that was Conjure One. You've probably heard Silence by Delirium at some point, it's definitely been used for different kinds of media. Above were lyrics from his self titled album 'Conjure One', the song is called 'sleep', I always liked that particular line because it true's you need sleep to dream and without dreams we have nothing to really aim for. It's not my favorite's of his, that would be 'Extraordinary Ways' from the album of the same name. It's about if even if you have nothing of shiny value you still have something to offer someone. I think the message is that you don't always need things to be happy, and that you can treasure something that means everything to you and nothing to everyone else. Center of the Sun is good too, I'd definitely be surprised if you never heard that Delirium track before. It also features Sara McLachlan. I don't listen to a lot of ambient music but those too stick out and Moby has it's moment, Orbital aren't bad too but seem more ravey.

I understand drifting off, I lose hours drifting off. I don't think it's a bad thing, sometimes it's good to just give your mind a vacation. Maybe that's why I don't take physical vacations, if my mind can do that then the calm? and relaxation? that a vacation brings isn't all that far away. In such a way inner peace becomes just a button push or snap of the fingers away, I don't know that people seek inner peace all that often, the external world seems to drown so much of that out. I'm not surprised you felt any of that, music can release dopamine which will naturally leads to triggering very real memories, I don't think I know even one piece of music that I can't trace back to some moment, if it feels good it sort of imprints that music/rhythm and upon playback that same imprint gets called up. At least that's how it works for me. I have a really particular and exploratory question for you, what's the longest amount of time you've spent inside without going outside? not a garden, but groceries/etc. Also minus lockdown, just under normal conditions. Call it a scientific inquiry.

@Ravix I'm so glad you were able to appreciate the Xana song I shared! I did choose probably the most "emo" song on the album just because I know your preferences. It's truly a heart-wrenching song. I really liked the song when I first started listening to the album, but it only fully clicked with me when she posted an Instagram reel of her just on the piano singing that final bridge. I was obsessed with that reel for a bit. Just for hearing that song in an even more intimate, live setting where it just sounded all the more tragic. It's also a good example of what I said where I feel like she's very good at painting a picture with her songwriting and following through on that narrative throughout the song. This is probably one of the best examples of it, but I think all her songs are like that to a degree. Even the ones that are happier! I don't know entirely what it is about her songwriting in particular, but it feels quite special to me. Maybe because I'm used to more of the "Tik Tok"s or "Firework"s in the world that this truly stands out, but I'm inclined to believe it's probably quite impressive by all standards.

Sorry I didn't prepare you appropriately for it! Haha. I can see how you were expecting a different song after my embracing of the basic b----. (Side note: can we curse on here now? I feel like I got pushed into the non-cursing by our old moderator who no longer moderates the forum. I don't know if it was their personal preference to censor cursing or if it's specifically the site rules... but I guess I won't try to find out, haha.) I wanted to point out though that I think a lot of people have a misconception of the pop genre where it can never be meaningful. Like, "15" undoubtedly falls into the pop-genre with its production and vocals, but somehow people are always surprised when a song in that style seems to really say something. I understand there's some bias there with what the most popular pop songs sound like, but I feel like the genre as a whole gets a bad wrap despite having plenty of gems like that. Can I really judge, though? I also just imagine men screaming about divorce when I think about hard rock music or something. Men screaming about how much their life sucks when it comes to metal music or men singing about horses when it comes to country. I guess no one is safe from misconceptions, though I actually do like country music quite a bit. Equally sexist as my pop taste however, so I'm afraid it's mostly women there for me too!

I can't believe you'd ruin the emo fringe image of you in my head! I'll just switch to imagining the biggest, most masculine man in the world after we've established that you are — in fact — masculinity personified. I'm thinking a mix of Dwayne Johnson with some Arnold Schwarzenegger mixed in, still with an emo facial expression. Love hair dye all the same! I've never actually coloured it black, though. I'm not sure if you saw the pictures I posted of myself previously in response to GVG, but one of those had my hair with a weird bluish-green tint after the colour washed out. I've done dirty blonde before as well as pink. I'll have to admit that, despite my being the ultimate gay man much like you are the ultimate masculine man, that was entirely by accident. I had meant to dye my hair red, but I clearly didn't wash the bleach out well enough, so the end result was pink. I suppose there were worse things that could've happened. I did grow to love my pink buzzcut, haha. Definitely got some looks!

That picture will... forever haunt me. It really turned you into the king of Westeros, but a lot less twinky than we're used to from Joffrey or whatever the other one was called. Maybe closer to Robert Baratheon, but more muscle fat instead of fat fat. Whatever that should be called on a medical basis! Also happy to hear your blackened heart was gladdened! That's some solid evidence towards the current hypothesis I'm working on titled: "Emos secretly have hearts". We'll just have to find a cure for the hair dye affecting the heart colour, but we'll get there eventually. And as for your latest tag... I am reading along and judging you silently from beyond the screen! Judging the jokes you sprinkle in with a postive attitude I mean... obviously. 😉

***

@GirlVersusGame I've read through your reply multiple times and started my response, but I'm not done yet so I will refrain from posting it for now. Just want to make sure you're aware I'm working on it to not make you think I'm ignoring it! If I post a bit of it already, I'll feel pressured into getting it as done as quick as possiblel.I don't want to feel like I'm trying to get through it as quick as possible as many of the things you've said warrant a response for me as I find them truly interesting. I'll post it as soon as I have it done!

@Tjuz Your timing is very strange, I just finished writing out the last of the reply to your previous post. As in just in the last five minutes. I'll paste it here.

(This was after reading the rest of your post/Tuesday)

Four different countries in six days is insane! I don't think you're sounding ungrateful. I think you're reasonably reacting to a life with limitations. Of course you would ache for more freedom, just like regular folks will yearn for more access.

• I think people see travel as a luxury because they translate it as (vacation/holiday) I'll give you an example, this was also very recent and this is the standard, maybe it even happens tomorrow. I'll say you (you, because I know no other way to describe some things. I jump languages too often to get that part right)

You wake up at maybe nine in the morning, breakfast is there (which someone else chose for you, for healthy reasons) what you are to wear that day is laid out (someone else chose that too because you represent your people/family/name and keeping up appearances is key) someone a 'friend' walks in and tells you such a person will be up in ten minutes and they have one hour to get you ready before you leave for (insert country/city) That's travel, you just woke-up and are told it's time to get ready, then leave to some place, and you best hope you have the language so that you can be social.

You don't question it and say 'I'm tired, I need more time, a game I waited months for just released'. You just do it because you are on someone else's schedule not your own. This was the same even as a child, my family just stopped bringing me because I couldn't keep up, like the boy I mentioned in America. I could be going somewhere but I'm not looking at 'things to do' when I get there, there are none, no sights or sounds. I've never been a tourist. Another example, a similar situation. You found a game you really like, it has a seasonal event with something you really want, you either miss out on that item or you ask someone offline to run the event for you on your account. People were talking to my account so many times and assuming it was me, it wasn't. I call that compromise too.

W/we rarely discuss travel before it happens, unless he's doing something specifically special for me, but that's different. Car to car, house to house, that's one of the realities of generational wealth. I'm not sure where people get the other ideas from, maybe Hollywood I'm not sure but as whole we're assets for our families, as I said a transaction of sorts. Privilege, real privilege, it's dangerous. It marks you for life, there's a risk around every corner, no matter where you go on the planet there's some threat. And like one of those clips mention 'touch wood', that did happen and it was enough to put me in that mindset where I will protect myself, that's self preservation. That's why I found gaming, it's safe, you can explore, learn new things, experience stories, and most of all everything you earn in that game you know was by your own hard work not someone else's. Not once did I pay to win, when I left that game I gave every coin away, I was there for the challenge not the reward. That's my idea of luxury, somewhere to breath safely, every time I said escapism in relation to any post about any game I mean literal escapism.

There was a website I used to use where you could place pieces of fashion, music and other interests in a collage, I tried to do that with these clips. Maybe it will explain some of the things I can't, our ideas of normal are quite far apart. Some of those friends knew me very well offline. They read between the lines. Some of that text might seem peculiar, alarming even, that's life in a very small condensed nut-shell. That Person the 'Mr', might have come across as intense or overbearing, everything he's over done for me was in my own best interest. I'm lucky to have people like that it my life, they help me to steer with a moral compass. Most don't get that, and you see the results in the world today, there's so much chaos and so much comes from the top.

I've been to some very dangerous places due to that political side of my family, I've normalized many things and made exceptions for others. If you see mentions of concentration camps, I was brought to them by someone to counter-act what I was seeing in other places. I already knew conflict was wrong but I was shown clearly what humans are capable of, it's all about balance. That funeral mentioned was political, I jump at any loud bang now. I was there to show respect not to be blown up, I know war far too well from experience. I read about it so much because I want to know and understand everyone's position. That was the end of diplomatic travel for a long time and part of why I stayed inside for so long, that's not normal no matter how you cut it. And that party, I went out that night to dance, someone else decided on the destination while I was asleep. There was a major security threat, that's what I mean by dropping everything. I woke up in a room with no idea how I got there, my friends nick-named it The Hangover because the movie is about someone going missing during a night out.

One of my dreams was always to be a documentarian on a social level. Just talking to people, hearing their stories and engaging with their cultures.

• People who live like this tend to not speak up because we're severed from ordinary people. We're patient because we have to be, secretive because it's all we know. Everything people know about us is second-hand, it comes from social media (which is fake) or Hollywood, it's theatrics, the reality is very strict, we don't mix because we aren't allowed. I've found ways over the years and it's helped me see the rest of the world in a different way. That's something I do value greatly, the compromise is knowing it's something I'll never have. You as a person can always work your way up, you have untapped potential, society tells you that you can't, the media and nonsense distracts people from becoming more than they are, consumerism tries to sell a reality that goods will make you happy, I don't believe they do. I believe that over time the things you amass slowly begin to Own you. You lose your identity and it's replaced by shiny things, a stereotype, maybe I can speak at length about multiple subjects/topics but there's no one there to listen. I'll tell you something that's the God's honest truth, you follow the months of the year right? I follow the days of the week, not months and then those seven days rotate back onto each other. That kind of control isn't just the dynamic I consent to in a relationship, it was the same as a child, we're purposefully disconnected because if we see the reality of the world then maybe we might start caring about it.

Our worlds can be that far apart, and most likely are but I see you as a person not as a statistic nor do I judge anyone by their social, economic of political standing. My world is separation and I own that because I have no choice, intense at times too but my favorite Play isn't without reason either. Talking to you is defiance and especially now during war time. My logical mind understands societal hatred, my heart recognizes Romeo and Juliet. I recognize the duality, even the futility, I call myself the one percent because I'm a minority in my own social standing and in my own circle, not because I see myself as better than anyone who is outside of either.

Here's to many more messages and thousands of words for as long as we don't get sick of each other!

• be-careful what you wish for.

I've read through your reply multiple times and started my response, but I'm not done yet so I will refrain from posting it for now. Just want to make sure you're aware I'm working on it to not make you think I'm ignoring it!

• Don't worry about that, I know people have jobs, schedules, routines, hobbies and such. I've been out all day, that last post was an amalgamation of replies when I could get a chance to do it. The parts I didn't know how to describe I clipped from logs, devices, That was the sugar-coated side.

@GirlVersusGame I fully agree on those sentiments, even though I don't think I have heard those artists before. And yes things really don't matter, we pretend they do, but it is usually more the meaning behind them. You understand this as a movie and music lover, and games in a way, too. Things don't matter, but things often contain art, and art matters a lot as it is a connection with other people's creativity and emotion and spirit. Sometimes entertainment is just entertainment that passes the time as you relax and acts as dopamine hit, yes, but oftentimes it is still more than that.

I would also say that even if you think you don't want or need a physical vacation, or if you don't think you can have one, or that if you feel you don't deserve one, whatever it may be in your current situation, then hopefully you can still find a way to have one at some time, I hope there is a way for you, because it helps a lot of things, it really does. Even if it is literally just some time for yourself, it is still worth spending that time on yourself. We should always make time for ourselves in any way we can. (But I won't assume to understand, again, and i'm not great at flat out asking specifics, I just hope that you can see a way where it is possible to take time for yourself in spite of everything. Are experiences like photographing bands, stuff like that, not on the cards any more? I know it isn't a vacation, but it is still a personal experience you connect with)

I do not know 'Extraordinary Ways' but I do know the aforementioned Moby and 'Extreme Ways' which is apt.

[i] I didn't have much to say, I didn't give up the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself and closed my world
And never open up to anything that could get me at all.
I had to close down everything, I had to close down my mind
Too many things could cut me, too much could make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces [/i]

Think I finished editing.

@Tjuz Oh no, I hope it doesnt haunt you too much 🤣 remember this was just the alternate universe where I sipped one too many sambucas one fell-night and suddenly became king of the bi group... (see this is why I self censor, another point you made, I feel like the forum is supposed to be for all ages and if I finish that sentence it may cause harm to someone's innocence, haha) I'll call it a group 'coming together' as that satisfies my urge to also make it funny linguistically 😛

In a way maybe I do wish it was that simple, haha. I don't even mind flirting within same gender situations (I will try not to lead you on with my pied piper-like allure, sorry 😛) and yes, I know you can barely resist me at this point, but i've told you, I just can't be the man that you want me to be, even if you think you can convince me to go back to a fringe 😁 (I am realising this being how I am is probably how some situations arose)

Honestly these chats have been awesome, so I hope you don't think i'm mocking you, if anything i'm mocking me, profusely, and yeah, kind of being flirtatious for no actionable reason (woops) It is actually awakening a part of me I had put on ice for a little while, and maybe I do feel like I am ready to unleash the full Ravix again (no sexual connotations to that sentence, but it does sound kind of funny, and if I were to do a funny face 😛 well... now there is no escaping the meaning that was never actually meant by those words) ignore all the silliness, and genuinely I mean this, you have helped me realise i'm further along in my 'rebuild' than I expected.

As for you, no I did not see that, I think it was perhaps on imgur anyway which is blocked here. But I read a little of your explanation which I found charming 😁 it is exactly the kind of awkward 'mess up' that I live for. And i'm still thinking I should tell 'embarrassing' and weird anecdotes from my life to educate others haha. I'm half tempted to encourage an 'awkward' thread where we post awkward stuff that we've done or has happened to us, as it is a good way to bond, by laughing at ourselves, but it'd probably be targeted by rotten sorts.

There's nothing wrong with pop, I agree. A lot of what "gets popular" is maybe different to actual pop. And I still say it is okay to post stuff in the music thread and don't fear rejection, if people like it they like it, if they don't, who cares, you tried and all that has happened is you clicked share on a song you like 😄

Ah, you should hear some of my nonsense 😅 i'm sure you'd have some to share to, judging by your write up of your giant facial faux pas!

@Ravix Things don't matter, but things often contain art, and art matters a lot as it is a connection with other people's creativity and emotion and spirit. Sometimes entertainment is just entertainment that passes the time as you relax and acts as dopamine hit, yes, but oftentimes it is still more than that.

• I can see what you mean, I see art in games, movies and music. I think my definition of things were cars, planes etc, something I shared with Tjuz that he might miss. My Partner might give me a stuffed animal, my Step Papa then responds with a car. I see more value in the former, the latter was done just to one up and it's constant. The attitude I'm around almost ninety percent of the time is that things bring happiness. Then I think like paint they keep repeating the process because those cracks I mentioned show. By the same token I know from talking to people how much value they put on 'if I had this', which I understand, I still want the plush.

I have horses in the countryside, a dog there too. They are cared for by the same Person who helped me see clearly when I first moved to England. That's a vacation or sorts, I've an arrangement with a kind of farm that has pets too. Actually, I'm not sure I should say this but it's kind of funny so maybe you'll laugh.

So this goat. We were one day driving through the countryside and the driver had to stop to receive a call, he got out of the car walked a few steps away so I quietly opened the door and saw a field and a gate. He was so preoccupied that he didn't noticed me calling it over and getting it into the car. Then I ran up and climbed into the front instead. He had no idea there was a goat back there until it started making noises. They actually scream if you can believe it, we almost crashed because it was so sudden. We stopped and I managed to talk him into letting me bring it home for one hour if I promised that he wasn't involved in any of it. Long story short I had to write an apology letter to the farmer. I don't just randomly borrow animals, it looked alone and hungry. I don't think I've ever borrowed any other animals but that was quite funny. I remember the call to my parents 'she did what? actual goat?'. I managed to get that goat out of the field and into the car in under three minutes. I call that an achievement.

Even if it is literally just some time for yourself, it is still worth spending that time on yourself.

• I can't, my mind can't handle it. The touch wood thing I mentioned to Tjuz means I'm terrified of being alone. It's one of those experiences that no one wants, it becomes a kind of sensory overload and everything shuts down. Even loud noises or sudden movements can do it, tonight someone accidentally dropped a phone and I jumped. I've had all of the therapy to combat that it always comes back. The outside world as you see it is absolutely terrifying. Video games help to sort of ease one into it but that has a shelf life.

Are experiences like photographing bands, stuff like that, not on the cards any more? I know it isn't a vacation, but it is still a personal experience you connect with)

• They can be on the cards but I hit a point of realization where the person who magically left the job before me didn't actually randomly leave. They were compensated to move to another position. I thought I was actually involved in something, then I realized my emails were actually bouncing. I was giving all kinds of feedback, ideas and spending a lot of time on something that was one percent rigged. It was film all over again. I stopped listening to Metal for a year, that night we were all sharing music had been the first time in a year that's why my wrap-up had none. Who gets hired to a record label with no experience in the industry? I did because someone else set it up and once I found out I said thank you and quit. I enjoyed listening to it over those nights but I don't want to show my face for a job that was given to me.

It's not right, people work hard to go up the ladder. The thing that got me is that people on here thought I was older because experienced jobs usually mean you spent years to get there, I see it as a fraud to continue in that industry. I have my charities, it's something no one gets involved in because they don't understand philanthropy like I do. I'd like to be a zoo keeper but I fear if I say that I'll wake-up to a jungle in my bedroom. Then I'll hear London Zoo is missing a number of animals. It's funny but I wouldn't put it past certain people. I've woken up to less stranger things.

What's stopping someone from borrowing one those sheeps in your picture? I see no fences.

I'm probably still within a rebuilding phase, truthfully, even though the real bad stuff has passed and I managed to still forge a life I can live, but I have my own mental and physical traumas and my own beliefs that deep down I am still not good enough for anyone, especially when I was not dealing with stuff properly. But I don't know, I have had various blurs or glitches where I am less able to do things, broken up with some 'normality' in between.

• I think anyone who thinks they are broken can be repaired. That man in the countryside fixed me when I was in pieces, when I say I was gone there was nothing there, I even stopped talking. He used the reverse (fixing the mind) of what the Americans call enhanced interrogation and took all of those little pieces, removed some, more or less reassembled what was broken and I'm eternally grateful for it. I don't think that therapy would be the right name, intense absolutely, systematic even, but it was a life-line. That's why I'm able to slot and compartmentalize so much, I learned from an expert. You should never ever think that you aren't good enough, that's absolutely untrue. Everyone has something to offer another person, you just don't see how good a person you are. That crazy ex-girlfriend I mentioned, she's an example of someone who could make a person think they weren't good enough, it was abuse but no one even saw it because she was female and we hide everything so well. There's a myth that only men abuse women, women abuse women and women abuse men. I watched her go out the door by her hair that night, that was the end of any relationship with her. She did damage that again had to be repaired. I think sometimes all it takes is one instance of a person saying we're not good enough for some switch to flip, and then we believe it. Not only that be we carry it throughout life.

We do it to ourselves too, we make ourselves think we just aren't good enough then we look at others and think we don't deserve what we see. It's a really dangerous thought process, one I've seen in people when I used to play online games. People on there were racking up so many hours because they had nothing else, I listened and helped where I could. I think mental health is one of the most important things there is, someone else looks after mine and again I'm grateful. If you can talk to someone, anyone, do it. I come from a world where being tough for a man means either showing it in fists or in other ways. Tough to me says admitting there's a problem and allowing yourself to feel those emotions, then to try to find a safe and healthy way through. Not to self medicate, not to drink it away, it's so taboo for men to share their feelings and I think that's just so wrong.