Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Tjuz I’m shocked that your story with your cousin went to the point of actual saucers of milk! It definitely sounds like a more extreme version of what you mentioned of her being the stylist (or some might say the dominant one) in the relationship.

• I don't know where she learned it from but her Father absolutely knew what was going on and even now I try to avoid him when I can. He's the one person in my family who I can't look in the eyes. I think generational wealth breaks something. If you are raised by a parent you get some kind of natural bond and it trickles down into being able to reflect that bond onto others. If it's a nanny, staff etc you are a client or an asset of a client, they see you as part of the job and her household was no different. When she stared at me that night she was trying to figure out what I was, not who but what. She knew who I was but her mind hadn't decided on the rest and she had no actual pets. Neither did I, for the longest time I asked but 'you can't handle the responsibility' so then when I was sent to live with someone else he did get me pets, he made up for it in a big way, the same Person who cares for my horses and dog, him. It was the first time I visited a zoo too.

My cousin was there for me as someone my own age and now I find comfort in some very strange ways, I can absolutely trace that back to her. It's not a nanny's job to do something tactile, they just watch you, maybe bring you places, and that's about it. I'm not saying they are cold people, they have specific parameters, once they meet those there's no going outside the lines.

One family I know they had what was called (I'll mix the words up) an executive of entertainment. This means a person tasked with things like what a child sees, the video-games they play, perhaps days away, that's an actual job title. I thought it was normal until I did start to talk to people in games and the internet. Some people might see a luxury in that, I don't because I've been there.

After all, I can understand why adults wouldn’t quickly say anything about their children playing pretend. That said, the way you’re saying it sounds like it went a lot further than that and someone should have intervened at some point while it was happening.

• This was far past pretend, if we were alone and no one saw then I'd say otherwise but there were adults around and no one raised a question or an eyebrow. It's strange for me as an adult to look back at that now and say 'that's weird' but now as an adult if it's with my Partner 'this is normal' and maybe because it was a comfort thing, and it still is I don't attribute it to some strange deviant act like a lot of people do when they would hear something like that. I think she was starved for that normal contact people get from pets, it got to her like it didn't get to me. It was some kind of void she was trying to fill, and I think like everything else she understood that power over someone meant getting what you needed. Money could for example buy a kitten but there's still the permission from a parent, that's how money loses value from an early age. They hold onto the power of permission even into adulthood, it's still no different for me in that regard. Even right now.

Even then, it doesn’t even sound like them sending her to a school like that ultimately changed her for the better.

• I'm starting to wonder if she ever went. I was told she did but she never talked about school when I saw her, not once. No 'Teacher told us about numbers today', and I never remember her even wearing a school uniform. At times my education surpassed hers because I took to home schooling, I wanted to learn and still do.

but if she continues this behaviour into adulthood whenever you see her, it seems to me like both the (lack of) parenting and her sequestering were for naught.

• She hasn't changed in how she sees me, not at all. I saw the look on my Partner's face, I think it was a kind of 'so this is where she got it from', kind of realization. A Keyser Soze moment, he'd never asked me before. Instead of the coffee cup like in Usual Suspects it was a saucer of milk, sometimes I have to laugh at certain things like that. I try to find it weird but it's too rooted.

you think they brought you with them to the school while your uncle went inside and left you alone for hours? I was thinking this might serve as a warning, but you said you didn’t find out the actual reasoning for the visit until a long time later. I’m not sure what the whole purpose of bringing you along to that as well as creepily leaving you locked in the car for that time was.

• It wasn't a school or a hotel. It was some kind of psychiatric hospital that from the outside looked like it was keeping up appearances. All of those bags and cases were clothes and supplies. I don't know what happened but she had to actually go 'inside'. I think he may have considered allowing me to see her that day then either she said no when he got there or he did. Those bellboys were orderlies but much like everything it's hidden behind a luxurious venier. She was in there from what I can tell was six months. Something must have snapped, something even I didn't see. We don't really get warnings per-say, it's more like if you do something wrong there's an instant response, then you learn and don't do it again. It creates a situation where you only find out something is wrong after you've done it. Then I suppose you just don't do anything and it's easier to do as you're told than to go off the behavioral reservation so to speak. You stay on track and do nothing.

I’d assume some sort of power play, but even then I don’t really understand to what end that would’ve been. Were you just supposed to put two and two together as a child and realise that you were where your cousin was and to not land there yourself?

• My Partner said that. Everything is some kind of power play, I see it every day, through action, courtesy, handshakes, I don't see money I see mannerisms and learn to read that language. She did snap, I don't doubt that for a second. What I saw was a 'hotel lobby', the rest was just confusion. It's possible it was a 'if you get stubborn, don't follow the rules you'll get the same treatment', I didn't register that, my Partner thinks it was. He's certain, which means he knows something I don't.

I’m not sure what you mean in terms of why your parents think you stay goal-oriented by matching you with a man twenty-six years older than you. Is the goal in this case being put in your place with an older man and knowing your “goal” would be to keep him happy at all costs?

• In one word, yes. I think 'young love' seems like rebellion to some people, you cross into different communities, leave your own group and risk falling in love with someone who's values of rather Family values don't align with theirs or yours. Just like that song 'I don't want a boy, I want a man like Putin', it's very specific a man not a boy. Maybe I like to read Romeo and Juliet but I wouldn't dare to go outside of those boundaries, even if maybe he is cute. Everything has a meaning, even the quote I've used here for a year, it wasn't random. That's what I do, I make my Partner happy and of course our Families are linked through that connection too. It's odd to Western culture, even to some Russians, we just follow some very old ways, hence decades behind. I'm with someone I really like so I can't and won't complain, he treats me well, it's enough I think.

I’m fairly easy to read when it comes to my tone and facial expressions, which are nicely hidden in my current line of work.

• In words too, you have some kind of clarity that I can't put a finger on. Maybe it's because you can loosen your grip on gender roles, it's like reading the words of a person who has both if that makes sense. It's a good quality, you'd make a good language tutor. Your heart shows in your words.

I’m not surprised at all that the situation only worsens when you have people in actual measurable power. I appreciate that you aim to be different on that front, as I do on a daily basis.

• I have to be. If I let myself slip even once and take out even a sliver of anger out on one person I'm done for. It's too much of a slippery slope, I want to keep who I am and what I believe. I've never raised my voice at anyone in my life and never will. I've found healthy cathartic ways to take an emotion, feel it, deal with it, put it aside and keep going. I did almost throw a bottle at that Oligarch kid but I saw what he did as an act of humiliation on another person and had to say something. He won't forget that night, I had to scare him, he needed it. Maybe he'll think twice about treating another person like that, impossible to know. We're too different in our behavior. Their parents gained wealth overnight, they weren't raised to respect money and didn't even know what power was, he knows the difference now. A life lesson. They run around trying to play a certain image like it's some kind of costume. They are paper, maybe cardboard, not stone. When they meet the real thing they crumble and run. They ran from London too, we stayed, we'll go when we choose.

The story with the burger is absolutely disgusting. The whole part with giving you the idea you would get toys to the point they’d let you pick them all out only to take the chance away right in front of you is one thing. To hold so pettily to an unfinished burger to the point of having you throw up is just inexplicable behaviour.

• I never understood that woman. Not once. She attended my sisters funeral (recent, hence I don't mention her) and she sat stone-faced through the whole thing. There was a moment where they go around and say something about the person like 'I remember Tjuz he took great photos in The Outer Worlds', she said nothing. Then afterwards I was invited back to her home (we hadn't seen each other in years) she pretended that she wanted to see me more often, then deleted my number. I think giving actual toys was keeping up appearances. That's something I see a lot of. My Partner will get me a bear (not alive) then my Step Papa will try to give me something even bigger, he's always done that. He sees a plush and then thinks car, I can't say no and it put me in an awkward position. He would see it as a kind of insolence. He's done it for years. That woman is just another kind of strange, my Mum doesn't even know about the burger. My Partner does because I couldn't eat that recent one. It has to be psychopathy. Even today I struggle with knowing something is left on a plate so I eat small portions. Part of it is knowing some people fight and struggle to even eat, part of it is her too. Maybe she was doing that for years and I'd forgotten or because it was 'normal' it didn't register. When her husband passed she didn't tell me, I saw it on the TV news. He was a very prominent person, they didn't send a funeral invite. My Dad hit the police lights (the blue ones you've seen) he drove even faster than any motorcade, we got there just before the final flowers went down. She said to me 'how did you find out?', my Dad actually thought I was with them. I wasn't, they left me into the house and told everyone else I was with them. Then of course when my Dad was gone (her son) who do you think she blamed for his 'accident', she's still alive and still blames me. Death doesn't want her.

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to humiliate a child like that

• Do you think it was that simple? I wish I understood. I really wanted a relationship with her, there's just nothing there she's hollow and cold. The only other instance I know where that happened and I knew it was happening was the fox. Remember the guy who said 'that girl died' then 'I can bring her back to life'. One day I was outside playing and I could see far away the tree line. Something went slowly walking past, then dropped like it was given too much to drink. I waited to see it pop up again and it didn't, I went over and found it. You obviously know what a fox is, it was a big one one. It wasn't dead but it was in a bad way. I ran back and got some guys, showed them and asked for a Doctor. A veterinarian came but it was too late. They think a vehicle struck it and then it managed to find a way in under the parameter walls. I was told to go back inside and to play on my computer instead (which meant that chatroom) I signed in, saw my Groomer as 'busy'. He had a kind of headset that worked with his office phone and the computer program he chatted through. He'd talk, I'd listen and type back. It means no one heard me, something I never even noticed (see the predator mindset?) If I sign into my first PSN account I see so many instances of that, it's how they operate in games too (I just signed in)

That's what parents miss, that was all across the PSN and I don't think I had a single real friend for years because almost all of my chat messages are that back and forth. It's a conversation where they talk, you listen then quietly type back and if you even say 'maybe this is wrong' you get 'but don't you care about me? I care about you'. That PSN account was used to report so many people in the end. See the mention of a laptop? that's when it becomes a kind of 'how can I get her to another App'. I can scroll over one hundred contacts now and it's all the same thing, did they network? I don't know. They seemed to have a lot of the same mutual friends, play the same games, and always the typing back quietly method.

My Groomer was obviously in a call that day, I started casually talking to the other members and of course the 'I brought her back to life' guy was there. I was upset and telling them about the fox and how I couldn't bring it back to life. He erupted into laughter and thought it was hilarious. Maybe ten minutes later my Groomer's status went to 'online' he asked what was the matter, the guy explained thinking he'd laugh too. He didn't. I'd never heard him shout before and I don't know how he didn't break that microphone, he kicked them from the group. That's when his attitude changed, he become more of a protector, I think he was seriously concerned. His secretary had to hear, she would walk into that room sometimes and once heard my music then said some words and left quickly. It didn't end there either.

Weeks later my parents brought in a stuffed fox, to show me he couldn't come back to life. Bad idea. I put him on my dresser and waited, for days I'd bring him everywhere I went. If we were going shopping he stayed in the car, I'd talk to him before bed, first thing in morning, he'd attend the dinner table and have his own chair. One night my parents were entertaining guests and I walked into the room and 'what is she doing with that thing?', the next day he was gone and there was a letter from 'the fox' saying he met another fox and went to live in the woods with her. It was almost my thirteenth birthday. That one idiot managed to do all of that damage. When you say humiliation, that's what he did. I won't repeat the words he said, he thought it was funnier than anything he'd ever heard or saw, and thought the others would agree. They didn't. Even monsters police themselves. People were so angry.

That’s an absolutely insane story, but judging what you’ve told me about how you feel your father likely died, far from a rare occurrence in the oligarch lifestyle.

• He was a business man but not an Oligarch, a diplomat of sorts too. They said he shot himself, so I started to read up on forensics. People fall out of windows all over Russia, it's something we're known for, I learn to see through it, my Dad was no exception. Someone went down, another came up, I can't say who but I think you obviously have an idea.

The more you tell me, the more I’m surprised you were ever able to turn out as empathetic and kind of a human being as I’ve read you are. Everything in your life was against you turning out that way, from the social circles you were mingling with to the familiar relationships you grew up with, and yet here you are.

• That's life. Russians are resilient by nature yes but I still see and experience things, not daily, maybe weekly that are what Ravix called traumatic, like I said we have our own laws and it's not the law of the land. Moscow is Disney Land yes but it's not family friendly. My Partner is a saint compared to my Ex. Previously maybe people didn't understand but now they have Ukraine and can say 'what kind of people would green-light that?', people with no empathy. I really think it's that simple, if you can remove empathy you have someone who will do anything for their Family/Country/Party, and of course why wouldn't they care about the laws when they make them.

I definitely recognise what you said about false figures and false news on social media in regards to horrific conflicts like Ukraine. I’m probably fooled more often than I’m not, but I do tend to take everything with a small grain of salt nowadays.

• I don't know anymore. I was given very minuscule access to live TV and media growing up and now there's actual fake news so it just becomes a ball of confusion. I couldn't tell you five things that happened around the world in the last week or the week before because of that same reason. I'm not saying it's defeatist but I just don't even try anymore.
  The amount of people whose entire shtick on their social media for example is stuff like “leave a . for this or that”, which is just clear engagement-baiting where you are adding nothing of value to the conversation nor helping the cause.
• I don't even know what that means. I haven't had social media in years. This to me is social media. Do you mean if tomorrow a plane crashed people would start to talk about ts as in 'I care so much' but they are actually using it as a podium to get some dialogue out because they have nothing else to talk about? Like they have nothing else to post about? I think I understand the mindset but have no word for it. I saw something like that in Israel, I've never been back. It's off-limits for my health, I can't go there knowing what they've done. Like I said to Ravix I'd rather sleep on the floor than go there, the only word I have is why. All those people, it's just wrong. I think caring to me is where both your heart and mind sync in unison and see that's somethings wrong, not when your status message says so.

It saddens me to see you compare your relationship to this person you cared for as him having tried to blind you in poker. To think that, like you said, you weren’t even a player in the game, but simply the jackpot he tried to win. It’s so dehumanising.

• Sorry I didn't notice? it was automatic. I've been around a lot of poker tables, casinos. They think I'm not following the game but I am and I just naturally apply what I see to myself and my way of thinking. He was after that jackpot, it became a transaction and he saw me as a commodity, nothing more. I switched off. I'm not talking to you out of some kind of self-pity, I believe in analyzing something and moving to the next something. I think it could be seen as dehumanizing to have someone compare you to a cash-machine but I've bought a lot of friends over the years, either knowingly or unknowingly. I sent him more games than you've probably ever played. I did think he cared about me, I thought he was different. They were all like that in the end.

but I imagine this kind of behaviour happens fairly often whenever you come into contact with someone who isn’t as financially well off as yourself.

• Only outside of my Family and social circle. Every online friend I ever had went down that route. Playstation, xBox, it didn't matter what format. Only the girl in Saint Petersburg was different. The first time we talked she knew who I was without even saying, she knew my Dad. Cities apart and she knew straight away. She was the one friend where I had to learn not to spoil someone, she would get angry at gifts and call my Dad and tell him I had to stop. She didn't want that. Even up to the day she fled Russia, I don't know what made her different. She wasn't even wealthy, she just wouldn't take anything I offered. I wanted to make her happy because she made me happy.

That was the old way. I don't need friends anymore, I don't mean that as a slight to you. I'm just never touching an online game again, or social media. I'd rather play tennis with the wall.

I wonder if you learned from it in the sense that you recognise the signs better and are able to avoid those types of people for the most part or if it has resulted in you being less open with people you know to not let them so close?

• I didn't. My offline security people started to open PSN accounts and sneak their way into our group conversations. They watched weeks of communications and then decided it was time to pull me out. I found out when I went home one Christmas (no gaming at home) and when I returned the status of our group changed, I wasn't there to do it. Someone slipped up while logging my account out. It resulted in someone else thinking it was a hacker and tried to report my account. Then they told me. I'm not even sure what to say about it. I liked online gaming, but I understand the risk. I trust them but that whole thing was a nightmare. Every log was gone through, they knew everything. If I liked a certain boy, or girl it was there.

As for your physical protection, what you said about you being marked as weak and therefore vulnerable by the gender divide is very interesting. I don’t think I’d ever seen it as a knife that cuts both ways like that, but it makes total sense.

• Maybe it's so normalized that I don't feel the cut. I accept who I am in our system.

I think I would resent needing security on me at all times

• I see it as an extension of myself. I need water to hydrate, food for nutrients, air to breath, security to stay safe. I've never once resented it, it's sort of like having a brotherhood and you are their little sister so they watch out for you. The ones at home I do see as big brothers, they teach me how to shoot, how to find bad eighties movies, I've done what you call survival training with them. I think maybe for you it might be privacy? As in where do you draw the line? My line are my rooms, bedroom obviously. That's why if I'm alone I'll take a blanket and sleep where they are. The kind of preemptive snooping slowed down after I lost online gaming/social media. Obviously now I'm using tricks to bounce my browsers etc but that's mainly because I don't agree with war and there's no way of me being able to talk about it offline. They understand on the DeepWeb. I try not to think about why I need it, if that makes sense? and like I said there's no compromise on their decisions when we are out, they observe things differently, if we have to leave a place we go. Some of my happiest moments involved them in some way, like the borrowed goat, and my love of bad movies.

You never know when the next psychopath might show up.

• If it's politics or money there is always someone. I'm in a Family of both so the risk doubles. Kidnappings are a lot more common than people think. It's something that rarely ever gets reported, it's dealt with internally. For others they have what's known as K&R, kidnap and ransom insurance. It's an external company who comes in and deals directly with people who take people, usually it's a money transfer, with something like shipping and piracy it can take months. With me it was internal and political, they sent soldiers and there were no demands met. With someone else I know it was money, messier, but they got her back. With the Father of someone I knew briefly in school they sent the money and got a body back. That was South America. In Russia we just send soldiers, no money, if you pay once you set a precedence of acceptance. If you send force you set the example.

I'll give you an example of something. We have a birthday tradition where we send a heavily armed military unit to someones home to either fake a raid or a kidnapping, that's a birthday tradition. It might sound like insanity but it's just a different life. Toughens you up, no?

It’s a shame that the education you initially came to the UK for collapsed, because I think I would’ve loved living in the English countryside! I am a small-town boy after all, so I very much romanticise that image even if I think that I would find it highly inconvenient nowadays.

• I think about that sometimes but everyone was years ahead, even now today I'm catching up with tutors. If you don't learn the value of money you don't learn to work with numbers. I can't divide, I can add, that's about it. I have multiple languages but no mathematical skill. I didn't even grasp the months of the year until a few years ago because my schedule was daily, weekly but not monthly. It's still daily but obviously I pushed to learn. I stayed in the country-side for years, I still go back. He's a complex man, he understands the mind because it was part of his actual job. When things get a little trying I go to stay with him for a kind of top-up if that makes sense. That angry nanny as you called her was someone he hired very young, she wanted to move up the ranks and was tasked with me. It started as a kind of big sister thing, we watched movie together, attended shows together. She was no push over, one of the guys once pinched her bum and she swung around and punched him so hard. It was impressive to see, she's warned him though because she didn't play being flirted on by men, that's when her temper came out.

I had no clue people even did school role-play in some chatrooms! Maybe it was highly specific to the one you were in, but it reminds me of doing Hogwarts roleplay on Habbo Hotel.

• It was like a Russian doll, layered. You have the surface web, then the deepweb, then the darkweb. Their rooms had layers too. From what I gathered it was an eighteen plus room with adults who roleplayed, but most of them had no idea I was a child and the ones who knew thought it was funny. They use techniques like that to 'teach', they aren't dumb people they know what they are doing. It's a watch and learn technique, so then you do.

In retrospect, it’s bad that he had the power over you to dictate your schedule and all, but I can understand how that felt comforting at a time where the real-life adults around you were just happy to leave you by yourself. It gave you a routine like you said and things to look forward to.

• Exactly. There was no schedule in place at all, just to make sure to eat when food arrived, go to sleep when I was tired. In a way he gave me a normal sleeping schedule when no one did, but he wanted power. I think when you reduce a person to an actual doll you begin to understand, that's bad to say but I think that was his mindset. Even if my parents weren't there I had to keep up appearances, dress and actual appearance and first and foremost. so to him, doll. A DeepWeb friend calls me that too but he means something differently, endearment.

The way you elaborated on the lie with the girls he pretended to be is absolutely horrific… I can’t believe anyone would lie about being able to bring people you cared for back to life. Not to mention that he was at least eight of the girls you spoke to himself. You’ve really given so much reason to lose belief in the basic humanity of people.

• I lost more faith in the person who 'magically brought that girl back to life', that honestly messed me up for years. The fox was right after that but even then for years there was a part of my mind that had actually believed him. This was three years of daily being around those people, they were on another level. Not even that graphic, just odd which is still damaging. Then of course it happened all over again through the Playstation. I think if it happens once people just know, like sharks when they smell blood. There are things from both of those formats that I can never repeat, I never said it out loud, nor wrote it down, there are no words for some things but it was the head-games more than anything. I think my Groomer just used those eight profiles to really know me, we talked about boys, girls, everything. But obviously it was him and don't forget he knew me offline, he knew my Family and still did that. He was in my actual home. Only once did a redflag go up and it was brushed off as me being odd. I think people covet what they see, he did.

It’s interesting to hear about how Russian society has evolved to be way more capitalistic when the Western image of the country remains rooted in its communist history. I suppose once you give into the greed that naturally comes with capitalism, there’s not much holding you back to stick with the communist ideals.

• It's just my Family, we're old money Nomenklatura, we go back very far, even before that. That Communist ideal is in the blood but that's only one side, my Family is very mixed, most are Capitalists, others support the current Party rule, others are something else and somewhere in the middle we all meet. I don't believe in Communism. I saw it in North Korea, how could anyone want that.

When you say you were able to buy jokebooks about oligarchs and such, I assume you mean even within Russia? That surprised me a bit, as I thought that kind of stuff would be censored by the people in power as well.

• So if you went to a train-station there might see a kiosk? (sorry never been on a train) Inside magazines, books and such. You could at a time buy a novelty joke-book with jokes all about Oligarchs. They were something that sprung up so quickly and that's how society reacted. The same with little statues of business men and their bodyguards. Oligarchs aren't power, they are pawns. Real power goes unseen, hence why I called that kid paper or cardboard. It might be censored now, it wasn't always.

Here's an example.

A "New Russian" is in a terrible car wreck. He crawls out of his smashed Mercedes, screaming, "Oh, my Mercedes! My poor, poor Mercedes!"
A passerby notices the man's arm is missing and says, "Your car? Who cares! Look at your arm!"
The rich Russian gazes at where his arm used to be, then moans, "Oh no! My Rolex!"

New Russian means Oligarch. New because they got to where they were quickly by looting the system. We didn't, we're older than that. They value money, we value something else, you might call it legacy. So now they flee to the UAE, but we don't because they created that problem for themselves, we didn't. We both have that level of wealth but the distinction is that we didn't plunder our country men, they did. The irony is those seized assets are a drop in a massive ocean.

I do envy that your position allows you to travel across the world to all those countries and learn all those languages however! That’s certainly a benefit to it, especially with how interested you seem to be in different cultures and the people within them.

• Don't. It's not travel like you think. It's not vacations, it's not tourism, it's learning a language so I can be seen as providing a courtesy, by knowing their language, by knowing their ways. Most of my languages I had to learn, not always by choice. My interest comes in trying to learn about the culture after the fact. It's really is car to car plane to plane and house to house, it's being everywhere and big nowhere at the same time. I'm so tired so much, and when I do try to get my sleeping under control there's all the rest. It's like being a vampyre but instead of blood it's champagne. I struggle to think of times where it was something more. Morocco was this year, I saw stray animals everywhere, they couldn't hide that. I asked the guys to round up all of the food and we just gave it to them. The army turned around and walked off after some choice words were exchanged, they were fining Westerners for giving them even a scrap. I think they were trying to kill them off. That was 'outside' but not tourism, I won't watch animals starve, never.

Are you one of the family who takes more advantage of that by actually immersing yourself into the countries as opposed to just visiting, or would you say that’s actually a similar approach many oligarchs take?

• Absolutely, they are there for business and nothing else. I do want to see more of those countries but they don't, it might be the age difference too or just the fact they aren't interested in that more surface level of the society. If we have no ties to a culture we rarely mix like that, it's just business. They saw me getting involved with the music industry as running away with the circus and they still managed to rig that too, when I found out I left the position. I'm not sure what Oligarchs do when they travel because I tend to not like them. They have security to protect their money, we have security to protect our Families. I think a lot of it is that they just had to adopt an image in such a short amount of time. They took that image from what they thought money meant, it was a kind of willingness to conform to a stereotype for the sake of being seen. We're more discrete, except in that gender divide. The girls are less discrete, with my Partner he chooses a look he likes on me, I don't choose. I trust that it fits his tastes, which are I would say rather refined. We are a good match and I'm thankful for that.

It’s interesting how even the harsh realities of living in a more unstable country like in the Balkans seep into their pop music.

• The Balkans are strange, serious and strange. People went through so much and their politics are hard sometimes to try to grasp. It reminds me of Lebanon, some of the people have been through the worst times and they still manage to smile. I think with that pop singer I like she was seen as a trophy and so the most powerful warlord in the country claimed her. He was a really bad person.

Fun fact: Germany is obsessed with rap and it’s their leading music genre I’ve found. At least among the young generation that I mostly interact with. I saw someone mentioning Breton recently and I think it was probably you. I did a little deep dive into the language after that. It was fascinating to learn about it! I love learning about those little tidbits of cultures and languages that are near-extinction.

• That actually is a surprise, I thought maybe Techno, or Hardcore Music, maybe that's a stereotype. The last time I was in Germany they were testing ballistics on some cars. It's to show the client that you are buying a product that works. They thought if I went along it would give me some kind of piece of mind. It didn't, technically it was Bavaria. They do a lot of that kind of thing in that region, usually because those German car companies have a presence there. I'll have to find some German rap to try out.

Breton is really interesting and Brittany, Normandy are both beautiful. It's sort of like England, but with French people. It's very quiet too, and quaint which is probably why I like the language. I toured the battlefields there with that man from the countryside, he was determined to teach me the actual results of conflicts and war, then he brought me to concentration camps. I'll never forget that, never.

What you said about musicians doing it for the love of the music versus filmmakers doing it for the money rings true to me. I think there is a contingent of filmmakers who are big enough to be able to make what they want and truly care for the art, but a lot of it is commercialised and there exclusively for profits.

• I think it's down to genre/type. Some of the biggest names in Metal and Rock played to so many people those nights and when I talked to the more humble ones they said I often just play for myself and see it as jamming out with my friends. I then understood that once the house lights were off the crowd was pitch black unless they had phones. Phones aren't all that Metal, people just want to enjoy the music not a screen. Metal artists don't get paid a lot unless you are talking about the big three like Slayer/Metallica/Megadeth but some will say the big three are Sabbath/Maiden/Judas Priest, that's a matter of perspective and taste and I have a lot of taste when it comes to Metal. As a whole Metal doesn't make the same numbers as Rock so a lot of those guys are just there for the music. There are no fans like Metal fans, they are keeping the genre alive, Youtube isn't, nor Spotify, it's concert/festival goers.

With film I saw the director, producer and actor side. The producers were words I can't use here, the directors were approachable and very friendly, cinematographers were always amazed that anyone even knew them but I adore cinematography so I made it a point to spend as much time watching them work. I wasn't there to meet Actors, I enjoyed the practical side, the cameras. Actors were something else, actually I'll use myself as an example. That need I have to make my Partner happy, the overwhelmingly urge, that's how I saw them behave in relation to the camera. Like a drug almost, they needed it but ultimately film was all about the numbers. There are exceptions on the British side like with Pinewood Studios, they were further from that sickly glare that makes you need to be seen. Some Actors went to local pubs, they were more casual. Pinewood was or is the biggest sound stage in Europe, franchises like Bond, Batman, Starwars, Aliens, some Marvel etc all go through there. It has a legacy that goes back to the forties, it was major access to just sit on sets and watch. Nothing happened there that was unsettling, as I said they went to local pubs, mixed with people. Hollywood itself is just vile, it turned me off movies for years. I'll never go back.

Do you know the saying “one for them, one for me” in film? It’s a transaction of wealth and continued prominence as much as any. As for the more ethical seeming rich still being inhuman behind the scenes, I wouldn’t say I’m fooled by that.

• That's what we call legacy. There was a financing connection I can't elaborate on, that word legacy opens doors. Some doors you don't want to see behind.

I feel like the people in power have become only more brazen in recent times as well and nowadays are more likely to say the quiet part out loud.

• It's because they don't care. People did wake up, but did nothing other than throw comments around social media. Then of course they allowed the truth to be swallowed up by conspiracy and when real truths come out they are so peppered with the fantastic that normal people will say that's nonsense and switch to the next channel. It's conspiracy that prevented the actual truth from coming forward, they shoot themselves in the foot by taking something real and adding so many bells and whistles, the truth becomes carnival and the cycle continues. It's hiding in plain sight.

I understand you paint the difference between married and owned as a different type of dynamic, with the former being the more negative one. I do view marriage in somewhat of a romantic light personally, which is another spot where the naïveté comes through, I’m sure. I’ve never actually been in any committed relationship, so I still have a lot of hurt to learn first-hand.

• I don't really see marriage as a negative thing, I understand why two people would do it. I do want two people but I want myself too, so three. I also have a kind of libertine outlook to love, I understand that people see it as normal to only give that part of yourself to one person. I see it differently, but only for my own circumstances, good for whoever conforms to what they believe is their way, especially with love. We're just very old families and our ways are more about the bond between business and association than traditional values, I have values but they are very specific and dated in parts. Ownership to me just like submission means willingly giving yourself to a person, not them taking you by force. It's the ultimate form of trust, and a gift that not many people should or will ever give to another person.

That said, I’ve never understood sharing ownership of all your valuables and your life with someone else, so I think you’re on the right side of that by keeping everything in your name.

• If we did get married it would stay in the Family. I'd keep my name, we do that differently too, no one marries for assets and if they try to take them they have to deal with the consequences. It protects both parties. Everything that's mine is mine, everything that's his is his. I don't even know what he does for a living, his business is his own. He deals with people all day, comes home, and that's where I can help that part of his day. What those stresses are I don't ask, and never will, it's not my place to pry into such things.

I’m sure it’s practical as well for someone in your position, but either way, I don’t think I would want anyone to lay claim to anything I have just by the way we adhere to each other on a legal basis.

• Then you'd like our 'legal system', that kind of thing isn't allowed. I don't believe that you should marry someone, decide to leave one day and then be entitled to half of what they worked for throughout their life. I see it as marrying for who they are, not what they own.

Have you ever heard of a TV show called You’re the Worst? I’m going to spoil a part of how it ends now, so if you’re interested just skip over this part. What I want to say about it is that the way that show ends with them canceling their wedding, sitting in a pancake restaurant and deciding they don’t want to get married and instead choose each other each day might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

• I've seen very little TV that didn't come on a DVD box-set, they were talking about game-shows on the DeepWeb last weekend and I thought they meant the game awards. I couldn't name a single one. I know they have an island one, a CCTV one, a weight-loss one. Do you watch a lot of TV shows? do you have a favorite? I liked Gilmore Girls, When Calls the Heart, Buffy, Ally McBeal, and a lot of old British comedy.

Is a pancake restaurant a restaurant that only serves pancakes?

I’ve heard of CHVRCHES and it doesn’t surprise me that they’re very queer-friendly, but I’m shocked that even that can get you blocked now within Russia. I don’t even know if they’ve been openly expressing that throughout their music. Even having that opinion on the backside can already result in censorship. Crazy.

• There's a kind of system, a list of sorts. It takes information from all over the web and monitors certain topics and subjects then either censors or limits access. That's how my browser should work, but I use tricks to get around things. I don't know if they are are blocked as in completely, they must have been vocal about gay rights and mentioned my country. That was picked up, analyzed and then fed into that system, that same system is supposed to limit what I see even so far away. It's like how we censor and have control over State TV, just an another extension. If you speak out about gay rights it's like I said an extremist act. They'd think you were trying to pollute my values, I see it as learning.

My parents let me online without supervision from a very young age. I think I was diving into avenues of online socialising as early as eight or nine years old. That said, they would always talk to me about what I did online and make sure that I knew what to avoid and how to deal with certain situations.

• That's the thing I wasn't diving anywhere. At the age of twelve all I had was that ice skating forum. No one dreamed someone would use something like that to reach a child, and maybe they wouldn't but he already knew me offline and knew I was on there. I wanted to see other peoples routines, learn tips from more accomplished figure skaters and make my parents proud. Everything he did was off the surface web. I had no other sites, my entire internet at the time was that forum and that DarkWeb room. I didn't even know what the internet was, no one told me. Then later I found bands by reading peoples social media pages, then I think Youtube but at the time the internet to me was one page and one room. Then with Playstation it became people, but the same cycle.

Question, if you had friends offline why did you talk to people online? Just very a different look at cultures, hobbies and interests that weren't local? Did you just want to talk offline and online too?

I count myself lucky there, as I’m sure not everyone in my position there would’ve had the same experience.

• I think it can happen to any isolated child who's handed a computer, a tablet, a phone of a games console. Someone always finds a way in and they are experts. Isolation made me naive but it also provided a blank slate, I was whatever they needed me to to be because in reality I was nothing. That might sound harsh but I understand how they did it, if I didn't own it I'd never be able to live with myself.

I imagine for women it can be all the more dangerous. Even as a kid, I already saw the differences in how girls were being treated compared to myself.

• I think there are two sides, perhaps girls are seen as easier targets, we long for a kind of recognition, to be told we are worth it, a Groomer looks for that. With boys I think it's more about a gift (in video games) or 'you're parents are jerks, I'll be your friend'. They adapt and understand what makes each child tick. If you saw the hundreds of hours of just my PSN logs you'd understand how easy it is. When I do look I see me, but at the same time I don't. Also I kept journals, I wrote and doodled about these people, no one even checked what I was doodling about all the time. In a car, at home I'd do it, not once 'what are you drawing?'. The last time I looked at those journals (yesterday) I sort of detached, I wanted to reach back and say something to the girl who wrote all of that down. Obviously I couldn't.

The types of messages you mentioned are exactly what I think of when it comes to that. I’m glad that you’re paying it forward with your privilege to work with organisations to avoid those types of engagements for the young folks nowadays.

• That's what I see all the time now when and if examples get shared. We're all part of this messed up club where people provide logs and try to understand how to combat it. Entirely anonymous, they don't know me and I don't know them. And yet we see the same thing over and over again.

Out of curiosity, how long did it take for you to start asking questions about queer people? Obviously they shut it down quickly, so I’m sure it wasn’t much of a conversation, but I wonder how old you were when the thought of that first crossed your mind.

• I'm not that old, so this wasn't all that long ago. I've been playing catch-up with media, music etc so if for instance I like a band from a certain year it doesn't mean I was there to even see them. I collect retro games to gain that kind of perspective. With movies it's different because I was raised on older media like Audrey Hepburn, it's probably why I love classical music. It would be t.A.T.u. who made me ask the first question but they were already a known band, if that helps in the time-line. I was cut off from Western TV/media but I did watch some Russian TV and I'd watch their shows. The song Ya Soshla S Uma which you call All The Things She Said, made me ask why they kissed and they kissed on stage too. I was told it's okay for girls to kiss if they have boyfriends, which they did. Then I asked can boys kiss if they had girlfriends and was told absolutely not. It was explained as a kind of tactile thing, as in girls hug sometimes but boys never do. Then I asked what if I kissed a girl and was told that's acceptable (because they planned on getting me a boyfriend) That was basically it. When I joined this site last year I saw people talking about something gay related and when I read the comments (why I originally joined) it became clear that I'd missed something. So I asked a year ago almost to the day. I essentially went my whole life thinking that you are straight if you date girls but already have a boyfriend, and you are gay if two men are involved in any way. Now I don't know what to believe about it. I wasn't meeting Gay groomers online, they all wanted girls and some of them had women who joined the group so actually now that I think of it I saw the same thing there. So no wonder I believed it.

But yeah, when you even discuss it with your partner nowadays and he reacts like that, I can imagine how the topic stays confusing in your head.

• We actually don't talk all that much in general. He likes to talk and I like to listen but we don't talk like say in these posts. Sometimes maybe it might be for half an hour a day, we go out almost every night and we socialize of course but talking not so much. I don't know how stressful his job is but we each know how to comfort each other/etc. I'm not being funny, but how many talking kittens have you met? Sometimes I just look at the humor, but it's true I'm not very vocal at all.

(I need to expand on vocal/next day)

I'm not sure if I have the right word, I see vocal as outward speech, vocal cords. It might sound blunt saying this but if you are in a situation when no one talks to you then you don't talk back. Obviously you learn to talk but it's like learning to swim and not actually getting in the pool. Take for example those three years, they talked and I quietly typed, that became the normal way to communicate. Then once again on the PSN it was the same thing, discord too because I was hiding having those friends. Years later I did work hard to become more vocal but I developed what was called a selective mutism, it means you talk to some people, whisper to others, and shut-down to the rest. I beat that, it's gone but I won't talk to a person until They initiate the conversation. For example if tonight I was out socializing, once my Partner makes the introduction then I will and if it's another language it's a reflection on him too, and my Family. They see it as 'these people make a real effort we can work with them'.

We don't talk the finer points of FromSoft because they don't know what that even is. Neither does my Partner. I'll show him maybe an art-book and say this is the game I'm playing, a translation occurs where he sees the 'game' but through art which he already has an interest in. It's how bridge gaps. He might ask me what I read today and ask for a brief synopsis, today it was a book about Exoplanets and Pulsar Planets by James Trefil a physicist and Michael Summers astronomer. I'll condense what I read and he might find it interesting but my other interests are not as you say economically viable so they aren't discussed. We'll talk about maybe fine art, fashion, theater but that's because we'd just visited an art-show, Fashion week or the theater. I call those shared interests, I have certain old-fashioned tastes. When I do want to jump in the pool so to speak I use different techniques. I developed two methods of singing, inward and outward. One is singing along in your mind, one is out loud. I'm aware someone might hear so I'm not singing along to something heavy, it's lighter. Maybe FlyLeaf is a good example, Lacey Strum has a lot of lighter solo work which seems to be about God and I'll sing that but I'll listen to something like Fire Fire or Reconcile and obviously that's not out loud, absolutely not. Nor would I even attempt to Screamo RarrghrrRR.

It's still selective in a way. I kind of look at music as a language and gaming as a language, the same for all my interests. I'll take each one then learn all I can about it, slot it to the side and switch or toggle to it when I need it, speech is kind of like that. I've used the same way to slot what I needed to be for the other person throughout my whole life, in everything, hence the pet thing, that's just one aspect of a bigger picture and I'm able to select that mind-space and tap into it, some are very automatic it's like a switch, I just don't have it for external speech and it's not something I even think about. There's a song by Depeche Mode called Enjoy the Silence, I enjoy it at times, the silence I mean. I don't know how it works for everyone else, it's something I find normal. I enjoy observing, if I see a car I'm not thinking 'how fast can I go in this', I'm rotating the image in my mind and taking it apart to see how it works, much like my cousin right? We're really not all that different, I just view things more technically. That's why Ravix said I sounded like A.I, I'd read a book about the topic, was able to pull the information from my mind and give the required feedback or answer. You might think that's mechanized thinking, I think it works in my favor.

All the danger that comes with being queer is purely from society and nothing that inherently comes from within. You could quote suicide rates and such, but that’s all societal pressure. You could argue STDs, but that would be less of an issue if it was broadly accepted in these places as proven in the West. You could argue surgeries or hormone therapy in the case of transgender people, but that would also be way better if trans people would have better access to medical care.

• I actually don't know about any of that. I thought the danger was that gay people make weaker soldiers or something, I'm not trying to offend at all, I was told some strange things and look where our armies are right now, more soldiers. It was a kind of on-going Cold War attitude in my life of 'don't trust Westerners' and it was not always subtle, it caused a lot of confusion because they sent me there to live then forbid me from mixing with people. I never thought I'd ever see actual war. I was never given an explanation, no one mentioned STDs. I thought they meant gay men were more feminine and that was seen as part of the strong/weak gender divide. I was never given any kind of explanation. It was something that was never mentioned, never shown to me, and yet I was dating girls too. Hence my preference was a commodity, and still technically is.

What I’m most aware of when it comes to Chechnya is the mass killing of queer people in the last decade. You told me that Russia invaded the region in the 90s. I’m wondering if that then means that it came from a Russian directive or whether Chechnya still has their own people in charge despite being under Russia in modern times.

• I really don't know. I just know I can't sleep at night because of what people who flew that flag did to me. I was told to hate them, I don't. It was six people out of a nation of many. We invaded their country, innocents die in war, men, women, children. Their culture isn't mine so I can't talk about them when I don't have a genuine reference point other than what they left me with. I really do try to not judge people with the same paint brush, that's how things spiral into endless conflict. Did they really kill gay people? did they say why? I don't understand killing people because they love someone.

Either way, what happened to them to start with sounds like a bad situation. It’s so often where terrorist attacks performed by few end up being negatively impactful to so many.

• It's on-going, major attacks make the news media, small things like what happened to me get kept internal. It's seen as politically weak to give into any demands, they always send in soldiers. I asked not to know the other details. I remember some parts clearly, I can hear some of it like a tape on replay but I don't let that one event define their country.

A person of non-native ethnicity performs a bad act and you don’t hear the end of it. A person of native ethnicity does a bad act and it gets a lot less publicity. There’s no other way to look at it other than what you said: racism. That said, countries are so diverse nowadays in terms of ethnicity that it’s hard to even say one ethnicity is the rightful native, but I had to put it in some terms that made it obvious what I meant and didn’t sound prejudiced.

• I understand completely but there's something I didn't mention. I don't see ethnicity when I look at a person. My cousin had her way at slotting people, things, etc. I slot groups, as in my Family, our social circle, our business structure, it's all internal. The external world isn't mine. We technically live on the same globe but our lives are worlds apart. We just go unseen, unheard, move where we move, I have no external friends, no interaction with anyone but the people W/we know. As a core rule ethnicity is not something that stops us from from networking. I could be Albania one day, and maybe Africa days later. We don't see skin colour, we don't get involved with the politics of the region only our country, we're equal opportunists in every sense of the word. That's also where we differ from Oligarchs, it's in our blood to go to where the opportunity is. Their blood is the blood of the people they plundered to get to where they are, we don't plunder, we expand business interests and that means travel. We might not mix with the culture but that doesn't mean we don't respect it. Therefore it's not mine to judge, I don't see skin colour either. I think racism was put in place to destabilize countries, cities and towns. I think it's a tool used to bring in new laws and to distract people from the real problems that exist in the world. It's a follow the Leader attitude. All you need to do is have someone in power point the finger and say 'this is why you have no job', when enough people believe this you have anarchy. The truth is that person ran the country into the ground and needs that distraction. I don't think there are that many racists in the world, just networks with very loud mouths and the means to spread hate. If they do point the finger at a specific country I'd ask them to read a history book, there is a reason for people leaving their lands. I know it too well.

It really shows how times have changed that you were able to unapologetically listen to Lady Gaga, but that now something as mild as CHVRCHES is getting blocked. I didn’t realise until talking to you that even within Russia, queer topics were getting progressively taboo. I just assumed it was taboo to begin with for the most part and that a regression was practically impossible.

• When I started listening to Lady Gaga no one knew she was a gay icon, I even met her and was so nervous I threw up. She had her back-up dancers at that party, she saw everyone as equal, not less than her. I was mortified and she called me darling. I'll never forget that, she was amazing and made what should have been a night from hell something so memorable. I don't get experiences like that a lot but she was different. I was there for someones birthday and she did a show that night in London (never saw it) her crew/etc went back to the same establishment for an private after-party. I knew instantly it was her and ran into the bathroom to hide. I wanted to meet her but I was so nervous. I rarely get that way. Then someone came in, marched me over to her and did the introduction, I'm nervous even typing it. It happened again with a singer you won't know called Sophie Ellis Bextor. I adored her music and when I saw her the first time in person my legs went. It never happened with Metal, I think it was more about the music than the person. I find Metal as a way to connect certain dots, feelings and it kind of serves a way to release those feelings, it was never 'he's handsome', I couldn't even see their faces with all that hair. I saw them both of those women as so glamorous, obviously I liked the music too but they were just so amazing. They both had a certain style, a je ne sais quoi that escapes me.

Q topics are really that extreme now. I know it's terrible to hear, I watched it go from taboo to where it is now and I'll never understand why. I had Lady Gaga CDs at home, I know they are gone. Things sometimes just vanish like that and 'you have far too many things, you misplaced it', I didn't.

Clearly I underestimated quite how much a society can regress on “controversial” topics like these. I’ve definitely heard the thought that gay people will spread their “affliction” to others. It’s basically what every ignorant person thinks in the West as well.

• What if we were always like that? Russia I mean, my friend was raised by two loving parents and Americanized. She did live openly gay, she just never discussed it with me. As a nation we're very stuck in our ways, it might have been below the surface and war was the perfect opportunity to mold the new society. If you drive through Moscow today you'll see propaganda everywhere telling you to fight for your country, to be strong and join up. People in the West think the numbers are going down, they are going up. People on the side-lines got too angry with the EU pushing and threatening that now they do have an opinion and that opinion is to fight back. It's a very dangerous situation, they poked the bear so to speak. They think freezing some assets will make a difference, they aren't seeing the real economy, the off the books economy. I hope war ends sooner than later.

Think of the situations like with drag queens reading books to kids and how that was allegedly going to make the kids queer. It somehow makes sense in their brains, because they don’t consider the other side of it at all where I wasn’t turned straight just by consuming so much straight media.

• I don't really know a lot about drag queens, I've never met one before. It's a man or woman who dresses as the opposite gender for performance right? I missed the part where they read books to children. Is that the same mentality that if a boy dresses as a girl for Halloween they are going to turn gay? when really it's just cos-play. I never understand clothes turning a boy gay, I've worn army fatigues to do training with the guys, it made no difference to my sexuality. I was running around the woods one day then back to being dolled up so to speak the next day. Dress changes nothing.

Like I said, I do find it funny to joke about it, but like you said, it’s only because I’m in a position of privilege geologically that I am able to without repercussions. If I knew I was in a place where this was less accepted, I’d do a lot more to hide queerness as much as I can.

• I've been thinking about that throughout our back and forth. I hate the idea that you'd have to hide who you are just because of something like that, I don't want to say this like a novelty but I never talked to a gay person before and you just seem so open-minded and happy. I don't see why that's a bad thing and I'm not type-casting you as a person. My logical mind just can't see why being happy and in love can be dangerous to anyone, unless of course your Families are rivals and then it's back to my quote. Do you think it's something more primal like the ability to have children? If you lived in Moscow you couldn't hide, I mean it. Someone would call it out, we're a security state. My friend fled for a reason, she had connections but those connections were me, those same connections turned out to be the worst part of our friendship. I never had a real goodbye, I'm assuming she was leaving Russia as I was attending Geneva. She knew what

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@Ravix There's a different way to spell Rawr between Emo and Screamo? I always thought an Emo roar was Rawr. I think it comes down to your definition of the world, you have your world and I have mine. Yours is bigger because you roam at will, mine is smaller because it's interconnected by well worn flight paths and routine, like a cross between an economist and a nomad. I see the world as a very small place but I see yours as a lot bigger. So technically 'the world' does leave me alone. I do like sherburt though and it might not be sugar coated, but it is sweetened, I view the world that way too.

You can always kick your door open and say here I come, get back out there so to speak. I just remembered I did mention the goat, that definitely was a funny time. If it didn't scream I would probably have had a chance to sneak it inside at some point. Goats are actually very Metal too, I just couldn't take the screaming. I think he thought there was someone in the trunk. The absolute last thing he expected was that goat. I had to hand that apology note directly to the farmer and compensate him. I don't know what he was thinking. I saw his chickens that day too, not as in I tried to take any. He showed me around, this is a cow etc, it was different. I hadn't really seen where food came from before, I don't think a lot of people do. It was this time of year so here are turkeys translated to, we're going to be eating these soon. Then the Pâté we had translated to, see those ducks? Then the geese were obviously Foie gras.

It should have horrified me but it didn't, it made me appreciate the work that goes into raising/caring for animals, not just the kitchen. In the summer when we had heatwaves, remember some of the worst? I'd go down to the kitchen and sit on some boxes in the freezer and just talk to whoever was cooking. There were no live animals there. I'd only seen a live duck one other time, it goes back to different worlds.

Our versions of normal are quite far apart, even in dining. I'd forgot about that completely, my friend was cooking duck for dinner and asking if I'd ever seen a real duck before so naturally I brought it up. I think now you see where I get some of my strangeness from, but again I don't shoot animals just cardboard and paper. They call home the Wild Wild East for a reason. I forget all kinds of things like that, it's just so normal. Or rather in your world it's not, but in mine it is. Someone once asked me if I played Call of Duty and I replied 'only in real life', I meant going to the forest to learn how to handle everything properly, they just didn't get it. I'm not learning so I can go to another country and take it over, it's self preservation and I treat it seriously. I tried Krav Maga but didn't have enough force to topple anyone.

I've never screamed into a pillow, I might have punched one before. If I screamed into a pillow it would look like the Turin Shroud, except in make-up.

@Tjuz - That last part got cut off, it was supposed to be the following.

I've been thinking about that throughout our back and forth. I hate the idea that you'd have to hide who you are just because of something like that, I don't want to say this like a novelty but I never talked to a gay person before and you just seem so open-minded and happy. I don't see why that's a bad thing and I'm not type-casting you as a person. My logical mind just can't see why being happy and in love can be dangerous to anyone, unless of course your Families are rivals and then it's back to my quote. Do you think it's something more primal like the ability to have children? If you lived in Moscow you couldn't hide, I mean it. Someone would call it out, we're a security state. My friend fled for a reason, she had connections but those connections were me, those same connections turned out to be the worst part of our friendship. I never had a real goodbye, I'm assuming she was leaving Russia as I was attending Geneva.

She knew what was coming and got out. She was/is a very smart woman, very outspoken, even to the point of questioning my role in my Family, you'd like her. I can't say I've ever been proud of a friend because she was the only one but I'm proud of her. I'm sure he's fine. I didn't see her as running, I saw it more like flying out of a cage, like a trapped bird. Some people need to fly, she did. I'm happy for her, she's smart I'm sure she has her own business up and running now. I'm sure she's fine.

If you add more I'll do a new post reply (just let me know first so I notice) there might be some spelling mistakes too. That edit option is being strange.

I need to add because you said older man. Is that odd to you? That's not a forced preference. If you watch that Halsey music video called Blue you'll get it. I can appreciate how a boy my own age looks, recognize they have very nice looks, sharply dressed but I'm missing the part that forms an attraction with them. With girls it's those same features and same age but I do form that attraction. In that music video it's a similar thing but instead of her admitting it things spiral and it all comes crumbling down. Maybe I've not had the other thing so I don't know from experience. She has to hide it, battle with those mixed up emotions, I'm not. If there was a kind of confusion there I wouldn't be able to do what he needs or wants me to do, it just wouldn't work. It would be you like trying to like girls, or worse, pretending to like girls but really you know you liked boys except that I'm switching age with gender. And yes maybe it's a direct result of everything else, and probably is but if your mind and body react to something specific it has to be right.

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@Tjuz If I do this right the first time the spoiler tags should denote what I didn't completely saturate in sugar, so fair warning given. Also don't worry the heads weren't alive, you'll see what I mean.

I need to use the past and present to form a kind of distinction and clear some things up. It might sound a little weird but I'm going to use Batman to lay the foundations. It's a very short piece of dialogue from the very first Tim Burton movie and it rings through, I identify with it wholeheartedly. There are two characters and they are attending Wayne Manor for a dinner party, or possibly a charity event or a function. They go off the beaten path and come upon various suits of armour, one of them makes the statement and it's 'do you know why the rich are so odd? because they can afford to be', and he's quite right to a point. That character saw it as money being the currency to oddness, only it's what I said about that absence of money as a currency. Once you take that concept of cash and replace it with power, power over people specifically, the sky becomes the limit. It really does.

My social circle as you called it, correctly, is primarily made up of odd people because they too reached that point of thinking. My cousin for example, she was fast-tracked because she observed her world, studied her Father and understood from a very early age that money wasn't how you got what you wanted, it was power. She then used that line of thinking to get what she needed, and it worked. That's why I think no one corrected her, and why even as an adult they still don't. What we did together wasn't damaging per-say because it was two children, we made it into a game. Perhaps it was pre-planned. It did however re-wire something in both of us, or perhaps there were no wires there yet to even make those connections. I don't think we were old enough to develop critical thinking, especially when we essentially lived in an atmosphere where you don't think for yourself, ever.

You don't think for yourself because you don't do anything for yourself, not out of laziness but because if you do you aren't the only one who gets scolded for doing it. It became 'that's their job, not yours'. That was Paris, I once tried to make my bed because I'd read a quote about a soldier who said if you can make your bed in the morning then you can do anything. I thought I could do it, so I tried and the result wasn't 'well done', it was explosive. They didn't just take it out on me, they took it out on the person who was supposed to do it. That's how you prevent personal accomplishment, you remove even the most basic responsibility, to the point where they do rely on people/staff for so much. I have a habit? (not sure of the word) of saying 'thank you' whenever someone brings me a drink, a meal, or is just nice to me in general. I just naturally always do it.

In Paris that's 'merci beaucoup'. Two very simple words. That family corrected me every single time, as in don't say thank you it's their job. They didn't understand gratitude because they had none. Etiquette, politeness and demeanour were codes of conduct yes, but selective. For them respect only flowed one way. I wasn't sent there for etiquette or to learn social graces, I already had those. They were trying to teach me how to put people into a box, I couldn't do it then and I still can't. They were a very old family too and had their own ways, the 'oddness'.

That 'oddness' permeates the very fabric of my world today. Most of those people (adults) have already connected those wires and know what to do (in any situation) to obtain a favourable result. My Partner is no exception but it comes from a good place. I'm going to refer to yesterday evening as an example. We were once again out for dinner, a usual members only haunt. The clientele were a mix of the usual bored bankers, husbands probably out with someone they shouldn't be, and possibly a celebrity or two (I don't know TV stars, my girlfriend said they were) People want discretion for all kinds of reasons, I might get a little star-struck if I do see someone I admire but I'd never leave the table and try to talk to them. They just want time to breath like everyone else and that's one of the only ways they can achieve it. People do socialize after, perhaps sit for a cigar or some drinks, that's part of it, hence socializing. Last night was no different. It was the same setting but I was having trouble with my appetite, something that follows me through relationships and life.

My Ex wasn't a subtle man, maybe you gathered that by now, I called him rabid because he was an Animal. Even the leader of the pack can be rabid. His method was to raise his voice, like eat in caps lock, aggressive. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't because I can't always take someone shouting in my face. Something switches off and I can't react at all. It happened over and over again, in our home, while out shopping (not one person on a busy street did a thing, I saw the police and nothing happened, they kept walking. They knew who he was. That's power) and even when we were out dining.

Until finally one night I had to do something. I managed to get excused from the table and went to the restroom. I messaged my Americanized friend from Saint Petersburg (she said if I ever had trouble to contact her immediately) I asked was Google right (I had no other way to know) She knew right away that something wasn't right, she already had suspicions. She had a way of switching too, not that lifestyle she was 'normal', it was like being able to adopt the role of a parent talking to a child. It's how she got through to me that night and a couple of other times earlier in life. She then asked for a brief synopsis of the previous seven days.

This was some of that conversation. At the time I wasn't myself, he'd essentially broken me down. I can't get the spoiler tag to work on it, it's grim.

I only made it to day four before she gave me an ultimatum. Either I call my parents and tell them I needed to be pulled out or she'd fly to Moscow in three hours and show them what I sent her. She was serious. She was so angry but not at me, I did look up to her, so I did what she said and made the call. My parents told me they were sending people and to return to our table and act like nothing was wrong. But also to try to delay him if it took longer. I kept thinking the guy outside the restroom knew what we'd been talking about, he walked me back to our table and my mind was on full alert.

She'd professionally pulled all of that out of me in a matter of minutes and started compiling each message to show my parents. Some is grim, I censored a lot, left out a lot. Those are the sugar-coated parts. It was much worse than those messages and she had enough to make sure something happened. Either she was going to do it or I was. At the back of my mind I thought 'if it's her who does it, he'll come after my friend'.

I couldn't even look at him. I thought he would read my eyes and know what I did. I knew people were coming and I didn't know how he'd react. Within an hour some people came (we were still at the restaurant) he was told to stand down and give me up. It was a very volatile (Ravix's word) situation. He wasn't always like that, it started off magical it really did.

The very first evening we met he brought me outside into a very warm night, and his eyes were so shiny, I was lost in them truly, he was so kind, said some really nice things, and of course he was handsome, so butterflies and lots of them just fluttering through me. We were somewhere in Europe looking out over a lake, I felt really safe with him. He motioned to hold hands and when I put mine over his it sparked something. He slapped my wrist and said to never do that again, never to put my hand over his because that one simple act was seen as Dominance. I didn't see it as a warning sign, no one did because we were outside alone, it was a lovely night and I felt really lucky. It was really magical and it was my first 'real' relationship, I was an adult on paper but emotionally I hadn't had that early girl meets boy thing like in movies, I had experienced something else and I thought that was behind me. He made so many promises, I fell for every single one of them. Even now after everything he did I still feel flustered just thinking about that evening, it was just so very perfect. Magical is the only word I have for it.

I didn't know that to him 'Mine' meant mine regardless of any set parameters. That meant he didn't actually agree to my limits or even see consent as an option. He was so nice to me for so long, he talked to me, listened to me and wanted to know so much. He wanted to teach me things (what you asked about goal orientated) He was just such a gentleman, until he wasn't.

I knew I fudged up, but I didn't know how. He called that a lesson, and it worked. I never talked back to him again. And I did everything he said even if I didn't want to do it because every time something happened he made me think that I had already agreed to do it. He could twist words, twist meanings and make me believe anything.

I did the exact same thing for my Partner a couple of nights before you and I first talked, hence de-spawning from my chair and respawning under the table. But that was consent and we had a certain level of discretion, his people, that mental bond, my actual need to make him so very happy, along with the smile of my girlfriend that spells 'go back to what you were doing, nothing to see here', her eyes can say a lot and she knows how to use them. Those are the parameters and they were followed to the letter.

My Ex was shiny like an apple you know? firm yes but I thought that was just part of our arrangement. In truth he was rotted inside, like if someone leaves fruit out too long. Over time the fruit just rots more, this was him. After a time I hardly knew up from down while around him, I was really confused. That's how he held onto me for so long, I didn't know he was breaking the rules. That became life day and night. He just did what he wanted because I believed he was right. You know this saying to be wrapped around the finger? It was that. He could make me do anything, and did.

He did not want to let me go on that final night and I was already on what you call a short leash. They had to hold him down, pick me up (physically) and bring me straight from there to a waiting a plane. Once home it was lockdown until they knew where he was. I didn't sleep for a week, I knew he was out there. He would tell me that if I ever tried to leave him that he would find me, he already knew where I was. They started to move my things from his home to another in London, all I wanted were my stuffed animals and when I did get them back they were missing their heads. He destroyed the one thing he knew I cared about, they were sort of like my children. I never got those heads back either, I couldn't fix them. The only one that still had it's head was one he'd given me early into the relationship. It still had it's head but it was bound tightly in string, like in Red Dead Redemption, just like that. I knew what that meant.

That's what I mean about there being no compromise, if you have to leave you leave. They were seriously concerned for my safety and when word came down they did the right thing. This also goes back to what I said about Oligarchs, they protect their money we protect our Families. You said you would feel a kind of resentment to having someone by your side at all times, it brings me the kind of comfort that I have not the words for. I see them as more than their job title, and always will.

He didn't fully stay away at first (Maroon 5 Animals, Raxix is very observant and so are you for using the word Psycho) Action had to be taken and eventually he was out of my life. He was what you would call obsessed. I think obsession to the extreme can result in possession, a person can be driven so hard towards that goal of having full control over a person and they'll do anything to purge the fixation. I'd already willingly given it, Ownership, to the wrong person. He lost that possession and went on the war-path. He was incredibly dangerous and was trying to make it his life's mission to get me back. I was afraid that part of me would agree to return, just so we'd have calm.

He caused trouble for his own people too, he had to be sent away. When you said 'lots of Psychos out there', you were right. I think he was a psychopath. He broke every rule we have and every rule his Family have, he was only after one thing and it wasn't money. He made me think that if you want to be considered an adult then you had to do adult things, but his idea of the word adult was self-serving and horrid. Afterwards it was being back to be treated like a child again, he tricked me and manipulated me so he could get what he wanted.

That's when power and influence become dangerous, people seek something else. He had that something else and didn't want to give it up. He was in my head for longer than I'd care to admit. I went absolutely no where alone and I mean no where. I had them check under my bed every night, walk me to the bathroom, check in there too, I was constantly on edge by any sound or even a breeze of air. I've never been in every room in my parents home, ever, but I wanted them to check every corner or I just wouldn't sleep. It became a major security operation just to get me to sleep for even an hour, I knew he had similar resources and I didn't know how he'd try to use them. Everything he said he'd do to me if I ever left him was running around in my mind, he wasn't physically there but in my mind he was.

I'd already been taken once years before and that was my only reference point for what could happen again. They were considering different options like hiding me somewhere in Europe but the risk was too high. Eventually he surfaced and stopped after some persuasion. But my panic didn't, I was hiding fire-arms bigger than myself around my bedroom, I didn't believe he was gone. I'd wake up at night and think he was in bed with me, then I'd run out of the room. I started appearing in peoples beds, they'd wake up and find me there. I'd sneak into peoples bedrooms and quietly climb into bed with them. Then my parents decided to just have someone stay in my room at night but that didn't work either. I thought if I spent each night in a different room it would be harder for him to find me, so that became my routine and no one knew where I'd appear next. He was gone but he wasn't, it was constant fear.

This continued night and day until I met my Partner.

My parents had hosted yet another repetitious dinner party and I didn't want to be alone so I'd start to place my dinner plate on a pillow and sit on the floor by the fire with my back to everyone. I wasn't being rude, it was just too loud and busy for me at that time. I had everything I needed, books, a tablet, and headphones. At some point of the evening I felt movement behind me, I turned and saw a very nice looking man with a warm smile. He knelt down beside me and started very light conversation. I was slowly paying attention to what he was actually saying like you tune in a radio dial, at that point people were pretty much background noise but there was something different about him. He said he was going to sit down and if I wanted to talk some more he'd be nearby. I went back to my book and every now and then I'd glanced over and sure enough he was looking back. I felt like I was being discourteous so I put my book down and went over to him. He started asking about my book, and other random questions. He'd ask me something, then tell me something, which eventually became a conversation.

It was getting late and he asked me when I was going to bed, I explained my sleeping process and how a couple of nights before someone screamed because I appeared in their room in the dark. He said he wouldn't be upset if I appeared in his room in the dark. That became him asking my parents permission for me to stay in his bed that night, so I did, but not in the way you think. He stayed to one side and I the other. I slept for hours, for the very first time in months I had no nightmares. When I woke up he was there and breakfast was due soon. I did my usual very slow pecking and was met with 'it tastes better when it's warm', and just like that I picked up the pace. Breakfast was eventually taken away and he went downstairs. I went to get ready for the day, which basically meant someone played with my hair for an hour. When I did go downstairs he was in mid-conversation with my parents so I went back to my book. They said I should show him the gardens, I did. We walked and he did some more talking, I did a little too. The day continued like that, the next too, then we went to dinner in the city, which went quite well.

On the third day he told me that he'd asked my parents if he could take me back to London on a kind of trial period and that they agreed but that he wanted to know if I too would agree. I thought it over for a while and said yes. We lived together for about a month, we were both under a kind of microscope. My parents wanted to be sure I was safe and that we were compatible. The month passed without any problems. I agreed to stay. I knew I could trust him, I believed his promises, he'd not once given me a reason to doubt anything he said.

We set a date for a formal collaring. Which is a little like the kind of marriage you mentioned. We drew up legally binding contracts, vows, promises. I willingly handed myself over to him. The collar went click and those documents went into a safe and also went click. I called my parents and told them it was done. They then authorized certain contracts of their own to his Family, bonds strengthened, opportunities were secured and I gained a lot more big brothers, in the triple digits. I entered the room as a commodity and exited as property. Intense yes but it's what I wanted. We brought a lot of people together with that one action, many bridges, many flight paths. That's what we call legacy, that's one of our methods of growth. As I said we are decades behind, perhaps even longer. It is however in the blood to expand those opportunities, we have many ways to accomplish that.

I'd been through a lot and he understood that. There were lots of odd little broken pieces again, he didn't see them as flaws. He saw each one as something special, not to be taken advantage of. He took one particular odd broken piece and turned it into companionship then carefully used it to bring about absolute calm. It might sound scary to think that someone can send your mind away by using various techniques, it's really not. What my cousin did was not all that different, but it primarily benefited her and there were no controls or protocols in place. She was an amateur, he's a professional. Now there are both and it's 'normal' because to us it really is. Then maybe two hours pass and 'I'm back'. It doesn't matter where those two hours are actually spent, I'm just mentally not there. That's a vacation and it's daily behavior wherever we go. So in a way I do take vacations, just of a different kind. I had one tonight.

I thought my Ex's behaviour was normal because when we were out people would just continue to eat, drink, go about their evening, they saw it all. He had what you would call a fuse that's very short and just the smallest thing made him go off, and so I didn't say a word. Afterwards we'd socialize, drinks, etc and no one would bring it up, they'd talk/laugh among themselves and I'd just nod and follow the conversation. You used a term very early into our conversation called walking on egg-shells, I looked it up and you were right, that saying fits. It took someone from the outside (your world) to tell me it was wrong. I had nothing else to compare it to because once again 'older man, much younger girl'. He was more than twice my age. I couldn't eat around him because I couldn't even keep my fork from shaking, he would get so angry and no one would lift a finger to help. It happened everywhere we went, except Moscow. He was so good at hiding it. Something ever so small would set him off, especially food which was already a struggle. He found faults in everything I did, and if anyone as much as looked at me he'd react in a very violent manner. I can't elaborate there either.

I'll describe my Partner's approach to the exact same problem (appetite) yesterday evening, the same setting except my girlfriend was there too. You might not agree with that method either but it's more civilized than the former and I didn't need a doctor afterwards.

As I said it was the same problem, I was having a hard time eating, the food was fine I just couldn't keep any kind of pace with either of them, and it was noticeable. He didn't shout at me and say I better eat or else. He called me over to his side, sat me on the floor by his chair and went on eating his meal while sporadically passing food from his hand to my mouth. He wasn't focused on any nearby reactions, he knew I had to eat something and knew his way would work. If anyone did glance over my girlfriend just quietly smiled back, people went back to what they were doing and it worked because I did eat.

By the same token those same people wouldn't have even raised an eye-brow had it been my Ex's approach. Yes there's an oddness there like that Batman dialogue but oddness doesn't always have to be damaging. My Partner found a way to get that result and to not cause distress or that paralysis that comes from shouting in someone's face, or those other disciplinary actions. My Ex did that everywhere, if it was public the staff wouldn't get involved. One time he did it in a hotel lobby in Europe, the police were called and when they arrived they apologized to him for wasting 'his' time. He had a kind of authority about him.

In both cases the observer most likely lacks some form of empathy because both actions aren't 'normal' (in your world) and the former is as my friend said demeaning to the person. My mind doesn't register it as demeaning, not with my Partner. It's not meant to degrade. He can reach into my mind like no one else I've ever met and instantly put me at ease or at rest, it's a skill yes but it's not used to take advantage of me. The former would put me on a kind of edge for the rest of the night, it really scared me when he'd do that, but no one cared. If I was sleepy and started to slouch he'd slam the table and I'd almost have a heart-attack. He knew I had trouble with sudden noises and he used it against me. My friend thought he was torturing me, maybe he was.

I was sleepy tonight while we were out. My Partner had someone bring a blanket from one of the cars. He didn't care where we were, he cared that I was tired. I slept on the floor beside his chair for hours. He continued on with the evening and made sure no one disturbed me. That to me is the right approach and it's his approach. He doesn't need to raise his hand or voice. To me that's a man, and yes it could be 'odd' but it caused no harm and he met two very basic needs by understanding the person.

My Ex didn't see me as a person, people in power don't see their employees or their citizens as people either. They hire and fire whole teams of people like you might order a coffee. They treat everyone around them just like my Ex treated me and they hold the keys to everything, what you called access, again you were right. He was the very definition of the abuse of power and he had absolute power. Not one person ever challenged him. Until I did and I paid for it.

We always had people around us, he too was social so of course we went out often. We had as you say security with us and what I call 'friends' but they were his, not mine. They knew what he was like and looked the other way. Perhaps one or two may have wanted to say something (one was kind, brought me places and attempted small talk) but it wasn't their place, they weren't there to protect him from himself, or me from he. There was a boundary there, a line they wouldn't cross and so it continued. As I said we police ourselves, if there is an action the reaction is always internal.

Both men have specific methods that will bring about the outcome they want, both use a kind of power over someone else, one does it to harm or cause distress, the other just needed me to eat. My Partner took a genuine need and used what was in his power to accomplish his goal. I didn't do it because he wanted me to eat in big loud caps-locks, he didn't need force or a raised hand. He didn't want me to do as he said or ordered, he wanted me to 'want to' to do as he said or ordered. My natural overwhelming need to please him kicked in and by proxy one of my own needs were met. I think people see submission as force, as if you are forced into compliance. That's where that degradation or as you said dehumanization becomes a key focal point to any casual observer. Hotel staff, the police, they were all objective observers, still nothing.

Doing it 'right' is intense because it's real, very rarely is twenty four seven real, the mind or the body gives out, in either order, people just can't handle it. For me it's the other way around, the absence of that external control means both shutdown, that's the paradigm shift and it's no different than needing oxygen to breath.

My Ex only understood what it meant to take by force, it's how he lived his life. I'd have willingly given him everything with an unquestioned eagerness and absolute obedience. All he had to do was keep his word, it was supposed to be his bond to my Family and I. He didn't know what he had, he didn't know me, just what he wanted me to be and it wasn't compatible with his natural need to take. He already had what he wanted the moment he took my hand that first night, he just didn't see it. People like that never do.

It's a very complex dynamic and my oddness came pre-programmed. Like I said before it's not theatrics, it cheapens something so integral to what to me is absolute survival. Submission to me (with the right Person) is complete freedom. The casual observer would pull from what they already know and think words like 'Master', which as I said before is not the case it's 'Sir, nor is it 'Mistress' for my girlfriend it's 'Miss'. To him there were only three people in that room, he blocked the rest out just like I did, they weren't on his list of priorities, making sure I did eat and rest was. He accomplished both without raising his hand or his voice. And he got through his own meal without even looking at me. Which is something you probably wouldn't agree with, it's complicated, but as I said it worked, he got the result we both needed.

It takes something very rooted in your mind and behavior to (A) perform that action on a person, you see it as demeaning right, this word you used dehumanizing? especially in such a setting and with no eye-contact throughout that interaction (B) to allow someone to do that to you and willingly obey quietly without making a fuss. That's just my natural reaction, I see no other viable option.

I think there's a (C) and that's the ability to witness a potential 'wrong' and do nothing. I wasn't in distress tonight, but no one else knew that and still they did nothing. Drinks came to our table during that meal, there was no reaction at all except someone looked down and said 'does she need anything?', and then they left us to it. Not 'are you okay?' they meant drinks. That's what discretion buys. For me it was normal, no different from our 'home life', but they might not have known that. They saw that power over a person and focused on their job. Perhaps the other diners thought it was amusing, there was no concern. Nor is there usually when we mingle afterwards, if anything it's frequent compliments.

My Ex did much worse and it was the same 'does she need anything?', it was obvious I needed help. We also regularly traveled, each city changed but the attitude in that sphere of influence remained. It didn't matter where we went, people in our social circle were all the same. They saw all of that happen, and again did nothing.

I think (C) is the real issue. The ability to look the other way or to look head-on and simply do nothing. It's the same ability people in power use every day to decide who to hire or fire. It's ever so dangerous to lose empathy, once it's gone you don't get it back. I've seen and experienced (C) on both sides of consent and non-consent. It was more than just people minding their business, it was acceptance. They assumed I'd stepped out of line and something was being done to correct my behavior. It's a kind of open secret among us older families, we live by that spare the rod and spoil the child attitude.

I understand events and experiences after I slot them, take a step back formulate a path-way between each. It's always those same key factors, power, influence, and the lack of anything even resembling empathy. That was a regular (regular to us) members only restaurant, they didn't live that dynamic, the only thing we had in common was that social standing and wealth. You asked if there were good people in power. I think good and bad aren't black and white, there are too many areas between, places where bad things happen. And for that I can't elaborate.

W/we/my Partner as they say rub shoulders with many people in many countries, locations, cities and establishments. His methods still remain and I show him absolute obedience for the right reasons. It doesn't matter where we go, we are nomadic as I said, his treatment of me (consensual) barely raises an eyebrow, or in the case of my Ex a finger to help. I think power becomes a drug, something that needs to be fed, then as you feed it right and wrong fail to exist. It's the rule of one, everything becomes what can you do for yourself or have done for you or do to someone else. People complimented my behavior while with my Ex, and last night they complimented that same behavior with my Partner. But what are they complimenting? what they think is 'good behavior'. Such Compliments are as common as there are clouds in the sky. Those people don't live that lifestyle, they just have very rooted ideas of holding power over another person. That's when 'odd' becomes normal, both to the person giving, and the person receiving that treatment. And rarely is there the kind of perspective that comes from comparing your situation with an 'outsider'. My girlfriend is technically an outsider, but we two see her as one of us. She already has that perspective and her ability to S/switch means she doesn't have to fully conform. She can speak her mind, and often does, at length.

For the longest time I was hanging onto little pieces and fragments of my Ex. I didn't want to but he was there. I have a tradition with my girlfriend where we'll set aside an evening to just watch movies. She's very particular when it comes to taste, and so the wall of Mark Wahlberg was born. It was a stack of movies starring him that she wanted to watch. The comprise this time was that she would swoon over Walberg and I'd swoon over George Clooney. The movie was called Three Kings. As usual I had a note-pad with me for writing down songs, lyrics, or time-codes so I could grow my music playlist. Afterwards she'd have questions like 'what was Iraq like?' she knew I'd been there, and I told her it wasn't great and that the people had so little. We moved onto the next movie 'Fear', once again with Wahlberg. It was about a young girl from a prim and proper background and a the boy who was a little rougher around the edges and mysterious. She fell for him, eventually he showed his true colours. He said things, did things. Throughout the movie she was watching me for a reaction. I had none, I'd normalized that behavior. The credits came up, she took my note-pad and wrote 'that's what he did to you', handed it back and looked me dead in the eye. That was the moment I admitted everything. I'd caved over that look before, this was different. She was right. I hadn't really faced what he'd done to me, I'd normalized it, she hadn't.

The character in the movie was a stalker and a psychopath. I think that same psychopathy is an unseen problem for society (your society) and hence why I said it hides in plain sight, and that's because those same people present such a clean image. My Partner doesn't have to hide who he is nor do I, we can exist in that same world with that same gender divide/power divide and the end result is that no one gets hurt. He's a good man in a room full of bad people. That badness isn't exclusive to my world.

That person who tried to get that jackpot, the one who you said 'that's so dehumanizing'. Do you remember the charity I was supporting at the time? That was domestic violence. He knew what my Ex did, knew I started to make inroads into helping women who didn't have those resources. He used all of that to try to work me like a cash-machine. He came from the outside and all he saw were dollar signs. Was he lacking empathy too? maybe. I'll never know.

My friend from Saint Petersburg saved me from a very bad situation. A week or so later she came to Moscow to see me, my parents offered her whatever she wanted as thanks and she didn't take a single penny. She told them that she wouldn't put a price on our friendship and they respected that. She was after all a business woman, and self made. All of her schooling and most of her early life has been spent in America, we found each other many years ago. We had a system of talking out loud in Russian on the phone during the day (she assumed someone was in ear-shot) then at night or even when she was in work she'd take it upon herself to teach me things that she felt were being kept out of my life, some were very basic and I included some examples. Others were more geared towards things like Racism, Black Lives Matter, and other injustices in the world that she knew were being covered up on State TV. She didn't just help me that night with my 'get-away', she monitored little events in my life and called out what she saw. We couldn't always fix each little event but she provided a kind of objective observance, that's why my Ex hated her and tried to keep her away. It's also why I tried to spoil her at every opportunity. I didn't even know I was sheltered before I met her, she never once made an issue of explaining the smallest things.

This is the kind of person who had to flee their own country, just for being a good person and always doing the right thing. For being absolutely true to herself when being true and loving another person was almost a death sentence. I can't sum her up in words, she's more than words to me.

Some of those examples look a little funny now but that was years ago and I was really sheltered, I've come a long'ish way from then. I believe you'd call her liberal in her views. She saw a lot of wrong in the world and though she wasn't from mine she still managed to gain a kind of respect that I've yet to see repeated. Her parents were mixed, one Russian and one America, this was rare. I think you are correct when you said she'd probably not agreed to discuss gender or sexuality with me. Everything else seemed to be on the table, or she'd sneak it in. I don't know if you can get a feel for what kind of a person she is from those few snippets, she was just such a good person, you'd have liked her.

To me she was not just a friend, she was a superhero, one who wore two capes. One the flag of our country, and the other your Pride flag. A very dangerous extremist symbol now. She knew the risks that night and stayed on task to try to extract as much information out of me as fast as possible. I wasn't alone, someone was waiting in the hallway and if they got suspicious my phone might be checked, leading him right back to her. That's why I made that call, I did it for her not myself. I could have made that call at any-time, it was a system my Family put in place to ensure my safety but I'd been too afraid to use it. He was caught unaware that night, we only had two 'friends' with us and he'd had a couple of drinks. The whole thing caught him by surprise, just like he'd caught me by surprise when he turned out to not be a Prince Charming but a Big Bad Wolf. It was so fast that no one had time to react, it was professional and efficient. The concern was what would happen if they got there too late and if my phone had been checked. I had no way to stay in communication once I left the restroom and all I could think about was 'what if he was tapped into my phone and reading my messages live' I didn't keep track of how long I'd been gone, I knew he did. He always did. He'd tried so many times to keep us apart but she kept going against him, she was my life-line when I had no life.

One percent means something different to me, my friend who helped me that night was the one percent of people in your world/society who did reach into mine and help. Like you she was unique, I don't want to reduce that uniqueness to 'you were both gay' but I have to include it because that very same uniqueness is being beaten and run out of my Homeland. I'll never understand what she felt or went through that made her leave everything she knew behind. I can analyse, study and understand many things but I'll never understand why people want people like you and she removed from the world. I think that's a real crime and a real tragedy, not my life. I'm resilient, W/we have our set parameters and he doesn't break them. Yes he's much older, but he really does care about me, even if yes how we 'interact' sounds very strange. I said he is my mental protection when W/we're out together because he is. I don't feel that same kind of fear or danger by his side. It doesn't matter if I'm standing beside him, sitting beside him, kneeling beside him or laying beside him, that fear and danger starts to slowly lift. It's not a permanent lift but it's enough to give me the calm needed to venture out a little.

I don't know what people are supposed to do when they do live in a word where simply being different means danger and the constant fear that accompanies a target on their back. Not without the resources for protection. I see protection as only two things, fists of fire-arms, that's my normal. I didn't know things had gotten that bad on the 'outside'. I have very distinct reasons why I limit my time outside and why I'm never alone. That shouldn't be the case for unique people and or as you said transpeople. You might never understand my world and those internal divides. I might understand pieces of yours but I'll never understand why anyone would want to remove that unique and diverse spark.

I think people are always going to have a particular image of wealthy Elites and it will never lift because we're so closed off from the world by design, if we're shown the truth we might care. I wasn't shown anything, I broke ranks and it took seeing people like you being beaten by riot squads, jailed and worse before I even knew what gay actually meant. The irony is that all I had to do was pick up a thesaurus - happy, cheerful, bright and care-free. The world needs more of those qualities not less. I don't think my Family will ever give me an acceptable answer for why it's wrong to be so unique. I believe in a reason for everything, I work hard to find them but I don't think there is a reason for hating people who are different. You might think I'm the one without freedom and deserve better. I think it's people like you who are more deserving of that freedom and respect. My world is older and very set in it's way, I grew up this way and I'm still growing, learning and adapting. My world is never going to change, we are the very definition of generational and I fully accept that. I just wish yours did change. The things you told me, there's no reason for any of that to happen. You come from a civilized world, modern, it makes no sense to me. It just doesn't

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@Ravix when you said some stuff was hidden for 10 years, like 'uh, oh. I don't really know you and I don't want to suddenly be dragging up all kinds of other s*** for you"

• No harm done, nothing was forcefully dragged up except some really good music, and actually because of you I'm back listening to Metal and such and in a good way. My ears might not thank you when they eventually go out of operation but we can say it was the headphones who did it. I stopped listening when I left the job, if someone rigs a position like that than I clearly didn't earn it. I didn't want to give up the actual music, that was a personal choice to just allow it to hover on the periphery until I was ready to listen again. You actually helped me get to that point without even realizing.

I'm just wary when some things can flood back unexpectedly in our minds, but we know how we dealt with things, so we are already stronger to deal with that if that does happen.

• I get that completely but I've installed a flood gate system that rivals the Panama canal, it's airtight when it needs to be. If it wasn't and if I didn't work through all of those things including the grim 'Animal' I'd be no use to anyone, or to myself. All of the rest is just daily/life routine.

But I did and then didn't know what to say after that as those thoughts came to me

• That's just empathy, it means you care which is lacking in a lot of people and since you recognized the same thing in what seems to be both our favorite albums then it makes sense you'd say something. I'll probably never even look up the lyrics to that album or their others, it's more about the feeling.

I don't think i've ever really considered you being any different based on any of the lifestyle differences, upbringing or anything either, you are still just a person I kind of relate to in some ways. That's literally all that matters.

• Thanks, people did say that at the start in gaming but the world became a very different place in just a couple of years. I do think there needs to be a certain degree of objective reasoning in some cases but at the same time I think that level of confusion on both sides of that divide means there never will be. I try to take people as they are, even if it's not always a luxury I'm afforded. I shouldn't have to jump through multiple hoops and technical conundrums just to dialogue with someone but that's also a consequence of sorts of the same situation. I think people can relate to each other in many different ways, as long as the opportunity to try is available.

I really did think I had some good gamer friends then in only five minutes I was getting messages like 'tell Putin thanks you fudging Commie' and a lot worse than that. Some were social media friends and I had selfies with certain political figures including you know who. One day it was 'cool', the next it was a target on my back, I wiped everything and locked down the rest while I juggled consoles and devices.

Then I started to see zone-chat saying things like 'Invite no Russians to Lfg'. The Call of Duty term 'No Russian' was being spammed everywhere in every group I was a member of, and of course I had Ukrainian friends too, not for long. I started logging into my different games to start checking my groups and I'd been kicked from all of them. It was that fast. I had something like sixty messages in the first half hour, that's only one of them and it's heavily censored. I was running two consoles at once just to keep up, then someone pulled the plug. That day along with the whole sentient cash-machine thing just put me off people for so long and of course it backed up everything I'd been raised to believe about Westerners. Even if I didn't want it to. Talking to you guys was the first time in years, other than DeepWeb chatrooms which are rather particular, people are there for a reason, they are missing that 'normal' too.

The things with Maroon 5 man were bad but I had a kind of familiarization with with that kind of bad, I'd normalized it and accepted it. What happened in gaming was in some ways worse, I had no contingency plan for that kind of an outcome. It's been 1,391 days since that day and not one of those people ever got back in touch (accept to ask for money) If I do log that account I see even more messages like that. I'd only ever seen gaming unite people. It was giving me a grasp of peoples lives, something to compare things to, so was my friend, now it feels like living on a far off moon. In hindsight I should never have helped those people but hindsight is always twenty twenty and some good came out of it. I discovered Indie games, found a way to support a part of the industry that deserves it and ensured my free time would be spent more productively. I think online gaming was an escape, I was seeing a lot and doing a lot but it wasn't real or tangible. I wasn't addicted but I was dependent on that social side, now I really do enjoy my own company. Being alone with my thoughts gave me a kind of maturity that I didn't previously have, I'd been trying to emulate everyone else. To attain a little of that 'normal'.

I do think i'll try and focus on the good stuff when talking though, strange tales, anecdotes, but maybe sometimes a bit of a cathartic get together in the music thread is also good from time to time

• That's why at the time I was more startled than the duck, those 'vacations', some of those destinations I'll never return to. I've seen war on both sides, that's how I'm able to form my opinion now on it being pointless. But obviously I can't voice that opinion offline. That night with the music until four in the morning back and forth, my Partner was in a similar place so I didn't go. The music took my mind off those things.

Also the bum pinch, the one saying 'are stupid lol', that's my friend from Saint Petersburg, she also attended that party. Angry nanny was the one doing the shooting. Maybe it gives you a laugh, it was a very light flesh wound, he was a big tough guy. People say we are often products our environments, I think sometimes we can be if we aren't given leave of those environments. I'm trying to think of other funny incidents, most of them were spent around those guys. I don't really know people my own age in this 'life', all they want to do is take drugs every night and drink themselves silly. I interact with a more older side of that social circle.

I think my strange tales are just a little too strange, I told my girlfriend about the duck last night and even she was taken aback for a moment. Things like that were so random that they never even registered as something all that note-worthy. The things I told my friend the night of the big rescue weren't note-worthy (to me) either, they should have been but I didn't see it. That's where perspective comes into it, seeing and hearing your music posts and others gave me perspective, that was the first time I'd even talked about Screamo with someone. Metal yes but that was part of the job, nor Emo. It was memorable, still is. Memorable for the right reasons.