Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

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@Tjuz I saw your reply. I'm going to do this in sections, maybe over some days. I'm not sure yet. I'll spoiler the text. The first part will explain those friends I mentioned. I don't think I can spoiler over thumbnails so I'll figure that part out too.

Preface (and yes this is long but I had nothing else to do over Christmas just listen to people talking about the war and how proud I should be that we're protecting our Homeland. I'm not, I almost lost it on multiple occasions and went back to hiding it) It's like living in the real life V for Vendetta, except I have to wear both masks. You'll see what I mean.

I think one of the most important words in the English language is gratitude, I found mine. The alternative is to just put it all in one big wine barrel and hide it in the cellar. I don't want to turn flat, stale and sour. That's the way I look at facing truths. If you lock them away in the dark they'll eventually turn to vinegar. That's part of why I'm talking to you, you are a genuinely good person, and there's a severe lack of such people in my daily life, this to me is luxury, talking to someone human on a human level. It doesn't happen. Everything I see either benefits the person, the group, the party, or Other. It's a kind of hive-mind, structured, ranked, and when you are at the top (regardless of my role with my Partner) people see you as more than, 'human' contact becomes impossible. They see me as an extension of that something else, not as just one person, they see me as representing my Family. And so connections on a personal level are extremely rare. There is a mindset of 'don't talk to the Bosses daughter, don't even look at her'. Even now with my StepPapa, perhaps even more-so but I can't elaborate, just isolate.

What I do and why I do it (I never mentioned this before now)

I already explained my friend and why he thought you were a German nurse, kind of funny honestly, I also mentioned my other friend amber. I had a week to think about this and I think I want to share something else with you. It might help you understand something deeper. I'm not sure what you will think after you read it, perhaps some more puzzles pieces to add to the more finished piece. I'd only ask that you leave your judgement at the door. I'm not going to describe our blackboard, messaging method again. You know the basics, breadcrumbs, virtual machines etc. If we loose those breadcrumbs we use other servers and networks to find each other again.

Those snippets are the most basic version of it, sharing the more advanced is off limits.
That's also how I get my outside news, they stick to positive news like scientific discoveries or for example the dinosaur prints, or those seven thousand year old walls found under the sea. Happy news, is news.

I need to clear up the word 'decoy', and the other girl amber 'amber says stop chasing your tail', her. Both amber and I share a similar history. We didn't know each other at the time, but we experienced the same things. Amber was also a gamer. She was a very sweet girl, very modest and just wanted to share her hobby, so she became a streamer. She's shared some of her old content with me.

One day she met someone, he charmed her, and then groomed her. He blackmailed her, and things went the way they do. My friend and his group infiltrated that room and got her out. They then helped to secure a conviction which put that person away for a number of years. She forged a friendship with the group and they made sure she was safe. She did want an online presence afterwards, most don't. They went out of their way to help her set-up and secure her accounts, and look into any future potential threats. 'creeps' and what have you.

As you know my 'chatrooms' are on the DeepWeb. I do that for a number of reasons, I need that security net, I can't use my own home browsers because they are either restricted due to the current geopolitical environment, or they are being restricted due to 'extremism', or because of the class and wealth divide, or other (you'll see below with my friend from Saint Petersburg - eventually)

One night I was approached by someone who knew my story. He showed concern and wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help. We talked all night long. He then fast-tracked me to full membership, his friends became my friends. They looked out for me on those networks, showed an interest in my life and never once asked for anything in return. I was eventually introduced to amber, I automatically liked her. She was older, very bright and also shared that same concern. We shared our stories, even talked about our favourite videogames. Our shared history created a kind of bond and the group noticed it too. We were then asked if we would be willing to watch my friend and his group 'work'. We thought it over and agreed. We connected to a shared system and watched as they infiltrated some of the worst places on the DarkWeb, with the worst people who had not an ounce of regard for anyone. We were already familiar with those places, and those people.

Out of it came a system. We each have our assigned roles and we are never alone when we play those roles. She, amber, plays the role of the big Sister. The group play the role of Boyfriends, Owners etc. When we find a room we enter together and they 'shop' us around and wait for a bite. A package deal of sorts. Once we do get a bite amber and I go into private with that person. A member of the group usually accompanies us to talk shop. Then it's my turn. I know how to 'switch off'. My most recent individual thought I was fifteen years old, cat-ears and cosplay helped to reinforce that. Amber picks all of my outfits and accessories for me, she knows what works. He was in his forties and he had a presence on the PSN too. We confirmed it, amber and another girl friended him on the game Roblox.

Amber is in my ear throughout the whole interaction, usually through headphones. If we're on camera I hide it under my hair. She understands my psychology and carefully guides me through. The group monitor everything, they log everything. If we are running a major Op they bring in someone from the group who is a trained therapist. That person monitors both amber and I. If they see cracks related to past experiences, or trauma, they pull the plug and we scrub the Op. We do it right and we do it safely. There is a system of care both before and after an Op. If it were my lifestyle dynamic then amber would take the role of the Dominant, but only in a psychological capacity. She knows how to bring me back, then we say goodnight and clear our minds of what we just did.

If all goes to plan we lead those people off of that network, and once they bubble up to the surface web another group takes over. They have their own system. All they need is proof of a potential offline interaction, and trust me there are no shortage of people willing to meet a child offline. That's where that groups association with law enforcement comes into play. I'm completely separated from that part. As is amber. That other group work with local police etc, they arrest those people. The law of the land isn't my forte, I just want to help catch them.

They know what we do, it's not illegal, what those people are doing is. We're the first step in getting them onto the surface web, or off of the PSN and into an App like WhatsApp or Facebook.

We have a presence on many networks. PSN, Facebook, Encrypted, Etc.

It's a sad reality but it's a reality nonetheless. Our group has a string of convictions under their belts. We're a small group from various parts of the world. We don't recognize politics, race or any kind of class divide. They know my background, I know theirs. They keep me in the loop, give me a shoulder when I need it (especially at Christmas) and make sure that I do feel safe online, regardless of the network or site. What they call 'ride or die for life', something I already understood. They can enter any network at any time and find those people before they find real children. We work within their law, it's the only way the other team can get convictions. It's a different kind of justice than I'd usually be familiar with, not the Russian way but it works.

Why they look out for me at Christmas.

I don't know if it was obvious but my Mum is what you'd call a hardliner, more-so than my President. This means a kind of ultra-patriot. Very aggressive when it comes to following the Party line, she's the one who wanted me to wear that Z pin. When you add religion, certain conflicts become a kind of holy war. So all of that ultra propaganda, that's my household. I have to act patriotic, if she sees through it there's big trouble. Hence I took selfies with soldiers a couple of days ago, I didn't even want to go outside but it worked, big smiles etc. She sees our traditional and generational standing as an integral part of those same politics. That's what I meant by growing up around a Cold War attitude, and all of those Communist ideals. That's part of why I was cut off from so much Western influence growing up, those divides intermingled with pre-existing ones. She thinks I've lost some of my values and standards by spending so much time in England, which means she tried to make me stay here by force. But my Partner pulled rank so to speak. She wasn't happy about that, she had to agree with him. We have an arrangement, she has to honour it. My StepPapa agreed. Things calmed down a little, I'm keeping my head down.

For the last week it's been non-stop, I thought she would just drink more and talk about something else. It's been every day, I don't even know what I'm agreeing with anymore. I'm measuring her mood against her temper then forming a baseline for each day. My Partner thinks she wants me to be outspoken on social media, she never even allowed me to have social media. There's no way on Gods green Earth that I'm becoming a pro-war figure on social media, I'd walk to Ukraine and try to make peace myself before doing that. Or to Europe, or whoever is now our enemy (you?) I know those social media people, they are absolutely stone cold. I don't need friends that badly, I would rather do what Tom Hanks did with his coconut friend than have them as friend and remain human. He shut that down too, so the atmosphere is a little tense. I've been leaving State TV on while I read, it looks like I'm interested, it's something. Tomorrow or the next day I'll throw on some military fatigues and go shooting with the guys, maybe draw a Z in the snow or something, I need to keep up appearances. All of her crazy friends keep visiting, I need to give her something to say about me. I think they are questioning my loyalty, My friends cloned my phones and then I wiped my messages, I'd prefer to be safe than sorry.

It sounds bad, but I preferred it when she spent years on permanent vacations, you and my friend called that neglect, I enjoyed a lot of that silence and knew where I stood.

Then this happened

(bad night) I almost had no WhatsApp util I got back to England. This isn't new, we've lost Facebook, Snapchat, Skype, Discord, Teams, Instagram, Twitter, Telegram, Signal and many more. I use VPNs and virtual private servers to access all of my Apps when I'm home. My friend didn't even realize that Spotify, PSN, Xbox, Netflix and Amazon Prime are all blocked. I only wanted WhatsApp to see my friends Christmas pictures. But they are determined and we finally fixed it.

Other sites like Youtube are still there but it's obvious something is happening behind the App, there are a lot of soft level restrictions.

This was the next night, they didn't just fix my WhatsApp, they prevented it from throttling too.

They are good at what they do, I don't think free speech is terrorism. I'll use any means possible to have some semblance of a life regardless. That's all I'm saying about that. This next part however is very important.

Look at those ages I highlighted. Those are children, not adults like you or I. The person offering them Robucks (currency for the PS5 game Roblox) is an adult, not just any adult. He's on the s-x offender registry. My friends already contacted one of those girls fathers and she's no longer on that game nor does that person have access to her. I underlined 'property' in red for a reason. Room Property means a person in an 18+ room who has to roleplay with the members, it's virtual prostitution and this isn't uncommon. We see this also on Roblox, also on PS5. Those rooms and penthouses get privated, then things happen inside them. I don't even touch a controller or have it downloaded, amber only needs my voice for most of that, unless we go to camera, I can't describe that part, it's not PG.

What amber was talking about, one of my friends almost throwing up. I was in chat with that person at the time and I won't repeat the things he made me say, and do, he wanted more than just the paw. Then paid me in those same Robucks. He thought I was fifteen, maybe fourteen. Amber generally just plays the game and I talk, they never realize it's multiple people. We have many people.

Amber and I handle it better, it affects the guys in a different way. Some of them get very high, one of the older ones drinks, his daughter was groomed on Xbox. It's to cope with what they just saw, or what they heard me do. It's normal for me, not for them. My method is to down a bottle of mouthwash, my mouth feels dirty after saying those things. Hard to explain.

This is why we do it, those are real children with real lives ahead of them, it can be prevented. With luck that person will be rearrested and I'll never have to talk to him again. He's one of the worst ones I've talked to this year. He has three previous offenses on his record, and what is he doing? Using VR chatrooms, PS5 Roblox to try to groom children. That's the reality. If anyone thinks 'entrapment', walk a mile in my shoes. I've been there you haven't. I know what trapped really means, you don't, and law enforcement is involved. I see it as a public service.

We all have our reasons and justifications for doing what we do. Amber wants to do to them what they did to her, can you blame her? they ruined her life. I understand her mood. The Others want to provide a safer space, not just for us but for whoever wants to play an online game or have a social media presence. Hence 'Ethical'. They believe in a different kind of freedom. One where a child or young adult has the freedom to exist online without being pulled into something, traded, chewed up and spat out.

Mine is simple and my justification is 'if they are doing this to me then they aren't doing it to an actual child'. I don't do it often, for obvious reasons. It's not practical, nor is it healthy, but neither is sitting back and watching lives being torn apart by people who view children as nothing more than objects. I've sugar-coated every single thing I've ever told you. You wouldn't sleep at night if you knew the real details and I'm never going to do that to anyone. I told you I was raised with an eye for an eye mentality, that's my Family, and in a way what I'm doing is an extension of that. I know no other way to live. I'm shown no other way to live. Russia is just different, the world knows this. We make our own laws, and punishments. This is different, on the surface the law of the land takes over.

For a time I did live another kind of life elsewhere, for most of my childhood and early teens. Those people ruined my life before I even knew what life was. I can't go one day without some kind of reminder, but I can't feel it, just see it. There are people out there right now doing that same thing, on video-games, social-media, phone Apps, they are everywhere and they rely on invisibility like you or I rely on oxygen. I don't know if they are 'human', I don't know their psychology, I know mine and now perhaps you know some of mine. (You will if you ever manage to read my entire post, maybe I'll post it in sections over some days)

My Partner doesn't know, nor my Family. I take risks by doing it, but it's my choice. I landed on my feet, others didn't.

I know I'm weird, so is amber. Someone else made us this way. We never had a chance to be anything else but what we are. I don't give a fudge about self pity or self-empathy because I have no ability to feel either. If I did I couldn't do what I do in those rooms, I'd crack and be back to square one. My mind can go places, I can detach, amber can't, hence her role.

The guys call those aspects 'super powers' and that's because we sometimes get super results. I can't and won't do it forever. I support a lot of charities and organizations, but at that point the person is already broken. We're trying to prevent the break. Every person we helped to convict had a history of prior offenses. They don't look like you'd expect and they hide in plain sight. I told you my luxury is time, my group has time too. Their approach is one of eradication. The people who we hook aren't good people. We go to the worst corners of those encrypted networks, and we can stomach it.

My friend and his group want those people removed from every computer network and every gaming network. They've seen girls like amber and I, they understand the damage and want to tip the scales. I might not see ash (see below - whenever I post that part) again, but I can prevent another ash going through the same thing, and I'll do whatever it takes to do it. Someone has to. It's getting worse out there not better.

If there is 'weird' stuff it ties back to everything I just said, and it's PG. I'm blunt but not stupid. Also Ravix was right about me being Batman, I do use my resources to bring about some good out there. I don't need to put physical hands on anyone to do it.

I'm starting with the PSN. It's what I'd call educational.

MrSadFace and the unseen side of the PSN/Xbox.

What I experienced on the DarkWeb is now predominantly done through video-games. Or rather that's the new entry point. MrSadFace is an example of single individual who managed to groom myself and another girl, at the same time over the PSN.

I unfortunately have too many personal examples, seventy logged between the PSN and Xbox. But this is one I'll provide. Just like ash (below - whenever I post that part) I had yet another 'sister'. This time in one of my favourite franchise, LittleBigPlanet. MrSadFace found me through one of my published levels. It was a little park I built for myself and filled it with animals. Each animal was based off of their real life stuffed animal counterpart. That other girl (I won't even provide an alias) would come by and we'd share some levels we'd found. One day we were out exploring when we met this Gentleman who had nothing but compliments for sackpeople outfits and wanted to see if our pods where equally as well decorated. So we friended him. It only took a week before he had both of us wrapped around his finger. That fast. He'd friended that other girl on Facebook, with his real name. One of her parents noticed some 'content' and the police were called. They raided his home and took all of his electronics, found his 'sackgirl collection', we were both in it.

He went to trial, was convicted and still managed to get back into my life because prison has phones and he was able to use the PSN browser to message me. From there we went to a known App and I helped him to rebuild his sackgirl collection, while he sat in a prison cell.

You see?

'my girls' he saw us as his property and 'sad face' he would make me feel sorry for him and then I'd cry for him. His thing was tears. The 'off to bed' that was him telling me to get ready for bed, it's three in the morning, that's the control they have. He was setting bedtime, brush your teeth, wear this, etc. I knew that same control for years, DarkWeb, PSN, Xbox, it was all normal so I never questioned it. Now it's all normal by consent because I know no other way to live. The Dominant/submissive relationship when twenty four hours a day every day is entirely based on Control. The level of choice you have is absolutely terrifying to me. I once had to decide what to wear to bed and forty five minutes later my Partner walked into the room and I was just gone. I'd hit that much of a brick-wall because people like MrSadFace had been choosing for me for so long

With that particular person (MrSadFace) it was all about how bad he felt, what he lost, they don't see children as people, I didn't even see myself as a person. I only started to break that about two years ago and I'm still working on it. He lost the other girl but he had me all the way up until sentencing and he still managed to get messages to me from prison. He traded my pictures with people on the inside, no one cared about this charges. They cared about what he could provide.

He told me he was innocent, jailed wrongly so of course I believed him. Then I'd feel so sorry for him and switch Apps to cheer him up, more sackgirl pictures. All of which he had in prison. There were maybe twenty or so other men, maybe thirty, from all over the world, different games. One of my first aliases on that game was geopet, not by choice. It means a handheld digital pet. That's what I was to them. They helped me get trophies and things. When I saw the trophy article on here I went back through that account and could trace each game. Each trophy was payment of a different kind.

A couple of years ago I decided to start over. New accounts. I didn't care about my saves, purchases, I needed to earn them for myself and take back my favourite franchises. First Sackboy then all of the others. At first I was like sackgirl, all of the customizable DLC costumes for 'Them' to choose, set-dressing, that little room the Sackpeople decorate etc, that felt like my life, people spawning in and out. So I took it back, now no one spawns in ever again. It's permanent lockdown.

That's just one game, my entire Battlefield team were made up of those people, The Division too. I think also the Rainbow Six Siege. They would play shooters then do that afterwards, I didn't even like shooters I prefer to shoot real guns, but then 'you don't like us anymore? after all we did for you'. And what they'd talk about in group, the things they'd make me say. I can't repeat it. They were just awful. Playing Farming Simulator with one of them was an award for good behavior. Now I can't touch that game again either.

How it all started on the PSN (Rather in-depth and educational)

Before I say the following I want to add this, I'm aware that we all like PlayStation and Sony, I do too but this image will lead into what I'm about to say. I love the Littlebigplanet and I support Sony, this is educational only. I know others this happened to and they never talked about it to anyone, except maybe their parents

I remember the day my first PS4 arrived.

I was given maybe three or four LittleBigPlanet games, I remember there were maybe ten games that day but I went straight for those. Staff set-up the account etc, I didn't understand that side. I saw the box-art and it was an easy choice. I still love Sackboy. I think also it came with a plush and some little sackpeople models. I slowly found my way around the settings on the globe, you could switch between the game itself and then go online and visit worlds. At the time I only knew how to visit the ones on the most popular list. So that's what I'd do. I learned to favourite them too, with a little heart.

One of them was a level that just had castles and things and it played Taylor Swifts 'love story' from her Fearless album. The lyrics were 'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter, And my Daddy said stay away from juliet. Marry me juliet You'll never have to be alone I love you and that's all I really know'. MrC (The real life Teacher, below - whenever I post that) said the same thing. I can look back at that as an adult and understand the connection, I didn't then.

I've moved past 'why me' and prefer to understand the psychology behind the 'why'. And no I wasn't a Swifty, I didn't even know what that was. I've only met her once at a meet and greet and she was very friendly and signed some CDs. Perks of the life I guess, what you called luxury. The level was very colourful, very well made and it spoke to me.

juliet was also one of the very first names they'd given me on the DarkWeb. So again things came full circle, I notice that now so often. I'd just stay in that world and listen and my sackgirl would dance. It was something, I do that offline now too, except my castle isn't cardboard. The game was simple enough I'd spawn into worlds and look around. I was on the game maybe two days when I met someone. I had a keyboard and what would happen is you'd type and the words would pop-up above like a little bubble. He was from England and he seemed kind. I believe he was forty something. He took me under his wing and started to show me other worlds and introduce me to his friends. He knew everyone, absolutely everyone. When you'd see a level at the top with thousands of visits, he knew those people. The creators with crowns, he introduced me to all of them. He knew where all of the secrets were on the base games map were too. I'd sit on the floor in their worlds and watch them work while he talked with them. Often about me.

There were promises of 'I'll show you how to build this, I'll explain logic'. I really wanted to learn logic, to do what they did. It looked like magic, it really did. I'd visit those worlds and be lost in how colourful and real they were. All of the animals I made were of cardboard, theirs moved and made noises. I wanted that. One day whist I was visiting a chocolate factory level a notification popped up outside of the game.

It was my first ever PSN message. It was my friend and this is what I saw.

So again this system of 'I talk, you listen, then type' (same as the DarkWeb) And of course I did.

Over there they'd talk, I'd listen and then type. Until it was later at night for me, they did want to hear and see me but they were careful and it was only done with people who 'knew'. The Teacher's pet 'office' system (below) The next day my new headset arrived, along with a smaller keyboard, the one I had was too big for me. It would wobble on my knees.

Let me explain how I 'shop' even as a child. I used a system called a concierge service. They are a kind of external service that source things for the client. As an adult I still use these services, you tell them what you want and they source it. Each client has an agent assigned to them, it's their job to source whatever you need (anything) You name it their staff can find it. When you see certain games break a street date in the UAE or Europe it's often a wealthy client doing it for clout. They'll say something like 'local store had this early, score', but that's not the truth, they used a service to source the game then 'pose' it on places like reddit. It's very common on Russian social media. I use those services to find rare books, I don't need one million games, I've been playing the same small handful for years. All I wanted that day was a simple headset. I had access to the same system as a child but there were restrictions on my account, for example alcohol, vehicles and weaponry. My account has no restrictions now.

Services exist like that for those who were never shown the value of money. I'm still learning mathematics as an adult because I was never shown that value, I'm trying to learn it for myself, even though I haven't touched money in eight years. I study PlayStation sales and articles to try to understand the baseline and fluctuation. Then compare it to other 'normal' things.

My headset arrived and just like that I was back to 'quietly talk or whisper'. It was mainly typing, he was very careful. Next was 'let me explain DLCs', those packs were a magical moment. They had everything on the shop, animals, puppys, cats, Toy Story, movies, sticker packs, Marvel, DC, level items. I bought every pack and DLC. I gravitated to the costumes right away, and he was more than willing to help.

We spent hours going through all of the pieces and ensembles. This is where he started to choose how my sackgirl looked, followed by the pod my sackgirl lived in. It was slow control. All I understood was control, I didn't understand choice (it still makes me anxious) I don't remember how long it took but he started introducing me to his 'top friends'. They were tight-knit. A couple were English (North to South) the rest European and no Americans nor Russians. There was an English girl too, about my age. But I won't discuss her. Never.

We'd start to play levels together, and add people on Apps and sites. We had the ability to send pictures and talk outside of the game. They'd pushed that after maybe four days.

This was the first message I was sent outside of the game.

This is how it looked. It wasn't Christmas time. That was a tell they used to alert the group that 'we got one'. They'd then create a social media profile of the person (me) and connect it to their group. This is how they flew under the radar and even managed to trade my pictures. Right on the surface web. It looked like I was uploading pictures. Facebook and other sites never flagged it, again what I said about being traded like your Pokeman cards. They even had a request option, I won't elaborate.

And just like that they had me. That fast. Do you notice that his punctuation changes too? after 'Let's see how far this goes', the group had that account not just one person. The 'forgot I had those pics' are non PG pics, it's something they all do. It's to test your response. Next I was sent a voice message that I had to listen to with headphones, instructions. Like the DarkWeb.

They also used the PS4 browser to bring in images.

I think they were hosting them temporarily online then connecting to that page and then importing them through messenger, I'm unsure. I just know they did have some kind of import ability and it was tied into the console browser. It was all non PG content and they needed to type in the site addresses which sometimes took time.

There was also the PlayStation Eye camera which came with one of my games. I think they were as you say testing the waters. At first it was very small things, they'd say things, then it moved to me having to say things, then it went elsewhere. I think me having to say things was worse, they didn't make me do that on the DarkWeb, they did on the PSN. That was a little harder to process, work through and release, like everything else. I don't hold onto these things, I adapt on move on. I have zero self pity, you'll see why below.

This group were my 'core' group of friends from the very first moment I started gaming. I don't think I ever played even one PS4 game without one of them. If I did get a friend request he'd review it and check their mutual friends and either tell me to accept or decline. That was the system. We moved from game to game, and they introduced me to more people. It was the DarkWeb all over again except that they called what I had to do 'cosplay' and not 'dress-up'. If we played a game that didn't show my PSN name they'd choose that too. So back to 'geopet' again.

It's been a couple of years and I still wonder if they were connected to the original group I'd already been with on the DarkWeb. It felt like they knew me, but I don't know how they could have even found me. The treatment was just so very similar, the system.

There were one hundred and twenty core members in that group, fifteen rooms with sixty other members (DarkWeb) and I 'knew' every one of them. Now as an adult I have people who can find people, bad people. I have to wonder if they used something similar to find me. It felt like I knew one of them, I knew their voice I'm sure of it.

One of my ethical friends did some digging and he thinks they were using an online profile system called LBP.me to do it. He knows more about that side but in his words, the whole game and network was full of vulnerabilities. Whole databases were compromised and groups were trawling for specific usernames and tells. I didn't randomly meet that man in the world, someone used a force join command. It wasn't accidental. I'd try to join 'normal' people and kept getting a join error.

I need to stipulate that Ethical means a person who does good on those networks, they've met enough people like me and want to do something about certain situations. No one else is. I don't use people like that to compromise anyone, I have my own ethics. We only want the people who hurt children. They absolutely ruin lives. I call myself lucky. Which again comes full circle because another DarkWeb name they gave me was lucky after the Britney Spears song, one of the other fourteen names. Fourteen because I had my identity changed that many times, it's common practice. It's how they hide.

Those lyrics were 'And they say she's so lucky she's a star but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart, thinking if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?'. Because of fudging people like that, that's why and I'll keep going after them. We all will.

If he tells me that someone from my previous 'life' can find me on a compromised network I believe him. He was convinced there were people running scripts on the game, how? I didn't ask. I thought those servers shutdown because people stopped playing, he said Sony took it offline because they were constantly being compromised and DDOSed. He said it was easy. They'd build glitches into levels then overload the system, similar to how one might use a LOIC to flood any other network, but they were using systems that the game already provided. The rest were external console hacks, custom. It was a popular children's game, it became a target. I know six other girls who it happened to.

It was my first game and that group followed me to maybe twenty more games until one day someone offline found out and my Dad blew my PS4 and gaming room to pieces with an assault rifle. That might sound extreme, you'd have to know my Dad to understand. Then there was no more gaming until PS5.

That's one of my Xboxes after my Dad found out. I covered the bullet holes in microsoft paint. He also used a small hand axe, I'm not sure of the word. But basically he blew all my consoles apart outside then brought the pieces inside and showed me. Then turned the room into a shooting gallery, I've never used it since. He was very angry that it happened again. My monitors had punch marks in them, I think he punched them all. The box under it was clothes someone in the group sent, they did that on the DarkWeb too. He put those in an oil (barrel?) and set them all on fire. My games were destroyed too. I've never been allowed to game at home since. Even as an adult they don't trust me on there, maybe they are right. After the DarkWeb he did the same thing, destroyed my computer room, my desk, everything. Then vanished for a week and returned and said sorry. As I said a complex man but he did everything for his Family, so I honor his memory.

So when you asked if I'd ever play another online game? After all of that, after people trying to defraud me, trading me around, after losing all of my friends because of my Ex, war, would you? I felt safer on the DarkWeb than I did on a children's game. I just wanted to see something else, explore, build things. This is why I live in one Minecraft world alone completely locked down.

That's what parents are up against. People need to wake up and stop giving children alone time with devices and consoles. It wasn't just my Family who did that. I talk to a lot of broken girls who ended up the same way because they were given a smartphone or tablet or console as a gift. It's preventable. The same for boys on Roblox and Fortnite, this is too common. You might think our actions are that of a vigilante, each of us has been 'there' in some capacity at some point. It's one of the only ways we know how to fight back. The guys didn't just decide one day to do it either, it happened to one of their siblings. We even have a Father in the group, it happened to his daughter.

It's just been Christmas time, it's Christmas time here next week. More and more children are getting consoles and devices, parents need to be so careful. They just don't know the risks.

I can't these spoiler tags to work at all.

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@Ravix I thought you were the other one again. Did you see what he said when my ChatGTP dropped due to restrictions? It redirected me to a domestic A.I. and it said something like 'I tried my hardest' it looked like one of your emojis so we called it RavixGTP. I almost fell over laughing. It gave me old ASCII instead of a picture. It was supposed to be a cat playing a Playstation, that was one messed up looking cat. It's still funny.

It's not vapid, the reality is that there are others who lost their homes and lives, they have no Christmas. That's how I balance it, yes this is a bad situation and people here (offline) have gone absolutely crazy with patriotism but I'm still me, they aren't taking that away. Some people I did know growing up seem to also have lost their sanity, they were normal last year. Everyone is curious what I've been doing in England, a lot of Russians left London. Most of the Oligarchs (I'm not one) went straight to the UAE so whoever stayed has to have a reason, I just see it as a second home, I think that's reason enough.

That whole consensual thing was really hard to put into English, after I read some previous posts I realized it sounded forced. It's not, nor is it trafficking. It's all I know, it's one hundred percent psychology, I found something that works. It's different with my girlfriend, she's incorrigible but with my Partner it's not forced. He's a good person, I can't handle choice mentally like you can. Or feel like you can, it's done by proxy. So if he's not in the picture, parts of me aren't either. I wrote about that too, I'll share it eventually. I prefer to understand the psychology myself. That's how I can work with people like amber, it's taking bad things and using them to bring about some good. I like doing charity work, I like catching bad guys too. I have nine hundred people on my list, I've helped arrest six. It's simplified but I think bad people just do bad things, I don't think what we're doing is bad. I saw the Facebook message from that Dad this week. That girl had him as a contact on her page, he answered amber and removed his daughter from the game, even said thank you. He was genuinely moved, she sugarcoated the real risks, she's good like that and Momabearing as she calls it. Not all people on those networks are boogeymen and out to cause harm. I see far more white hats now, people united for a lot of common causes. They can't exist safely on the surface web, not now. I haven't used a normal operating system or computer in maybe five years.

That work tripled once Roblox came to Playstation, they contact Sony etc and make reports, then are told 'block the person', so we instead get them arrested. Then maybe a judge does the right thing if they understand the situation. I think if I could feel those things I couldn't deal with them or talk about them, that feeling part split off a long time ago. We have a couple of other decoys and they don't always get through an interaction, even on PS5. It generally doesn't bother me, it should but it's a super power that I can't, so I'm suited for the job. I do want to catch people during the holidays but my friends won't let me. I'm anxious? to catch a particular person, sometimes they forward me the arrest stories. I printed out my first one, he was littlebigplanet. I keep it as a reminder of why we do it.

Only three contacted me from prison, one of the last ones had a Switch inside. He came out and day one contacted me, even wanted me to fund his defense before he was convicted. He'd used me to groom his own daughters also through party chat, I thought I was babysitting, I wasn't even old enough to be a babysitter. I was distracting one, while he and his friend who bought him PSN cards did bad things. I had no idea until he too was raided. His local police didn't understand the internet or the PSN so they never included me in the charges, he could have gotten more time. That happens a lot in America, too much is done over headset, there's no evidence. Here they find them and break bones, even the police know. It's what you'd call an acceptable response. I thought they did that in America, they let some go with just a warning. We encountered the same person three times.

It's incredible as an adult to read all my own logs, go over all of the previous interactions and to try to understand that level of entitlement. For me it was age six to ten then ten to I think fifteen, so it's very normalized, hence that relationship dynamic. It rewires your brain and breaks your minds reward system, you lose the ability to feel a job well done without that other person confirming it, that's what he does, in spades. I don't feel music either, just classical because of the dynamic range. That's what you picked up on, I always saw music as language and communication. Also as 'I beat this situation', songs are a kind of reminder of a job well done.

Z-land Christmas is actually Orthodox Christmas. We have a different calendar so January 7th. In the past I was allowed to do both dates but now religion is a weapon of the State. If I tried the 25th it would be seen as highly suspicious and cause more problems. I just pretend I'm a time traveler, like the guy in the phone box. Normally Orthodox Christmas is about love, peace, goodwill but now it's, strength, unity of State and church. I don't even follow organized religion but 'now' I do. I think I prefer Christmas being appropriated for marketing than as a tool for conflict. That's why it's a holy war now, I just nod and say 'yes of course', all of my neighborhood are politicians, State Officials, everyone is watching everyone else. My Partner didn't even want to come here this year but he heard they might try to cancel my UK residency, I take that seriously. So we went, then of course 'you have to stay', bullets almost flew, I' not staying here, he's not going to let that happen. We left for somewhere else for two nights, then returned when things calmed down. Amber realized someone put hands on me, that's why she kept saying I needed to tell someone. I did and we left for those two nights. My Mum tried to make me tell my Partner that I wanted to stay here by choice, I'd never lie to him, so I told him the truth when he asked and then he hit the roof. Now there's some separation for the next couple of days. Which I'm fine with.

I usually only come home for longer spells at Christmas then if my Mum needs to meet up face to face we do it somewhere else in Europe. Her craziness is just amplified at the moment because all of her friends are also hardliners and their children and doing such a thing on social media or even on State TV. When I was small I had to join a kind of Kremlin youth club, that's why I'm incapable of saying a bad word about my President, loyalty is conditioned. I hit a mental block, I couldn't even tell you what I danced to back then but that was normal. I saw something similar in North Korea with the children of Party Officials, we even played the same musical instruments. All they knew is what their parents showed them, it's the same methods. Now those children would also be Party members.

As for gifts I'm not sure. I have many from two years ago that I didn't open yet. Do you know the saying to curry favor? That's what most of my gifts are, I don't know those people, they just want to make a good impression to whichever parent especially now when they are trying to bring back Imperial times. I don't even think I asked for anything specific and I never tell people what gifts I get. I prefer to buy everyone else gifts, I started in July and finished in November. I like the challenge.

It's actually the first year I haven't watched Christmas movie, I'll try to fix that. I doubt the Muppets Christmas Carol is propaganda, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was. I'll see how that goes, then maybe add National Lampoons, Scrooged and Bad Santa to the list. I wanted to get my online friends gifts too but they never allow it, they've cancelled them before. They got into the service I used and cancelled the order, a little too extreme but the point was proven.

What's usually on your Christmas jumper? I think mine last year had a cat with a Santa hat. I've done regular Christmas before, it definitely felt different but not in a bad way. You have Santa Claus we have Ded Moroz, he's like Santa but Frosty. He wears blue not red, more Slavic. He also has a granddaughter called Snegurochka, she's sort of like Elsa from Frozen, a snow maiden. It's the same thing, if you write him letters and leave him out vodka he brings gifts but at New Years. Our Santa came with a fake SWAT team last year, fired into the air etc. It's a thing we do with weddings etc. hire special forces to kidnap someone. Even Santa. I'd rather we didn't this year, it's loud even when you know to expect it. Santa came in first like 'happy Christmas little girl, I'm not that small but whatever' then the special forces stormed in and took him down, brought him outside and did their thing. I imagine that sounds very strange. Santa knew it advance, I didn't.

Like this, then afterwards people pose with them. I have pictures like that but with Santa which is weird even having to explain that to someone. It's happened at maybe three of the last weddings I attended. People tend to just expect it now. I'm asking for notice this year, they came in loud last time. I don't like loud noises.

He doesn't use reindeer like your Santa, he uses large white horses or a train, I saw him in a Mig before (fighter jet) Sometimes he jumps across trees like Edward in Twilight (the spider-monkey scene, I know my Twilight) He also carries a magical staff like in one of your RPGs, he teleports or whatever. Previously his granddaughter was more Disneyesque, the sexualization of women is very high now, so she does a lot more than help carry gifts. I've seen her other activities. I told my girlfriend about that, she hasn't visited because she's 'gay' but I'm not gay because I also have a Man. It's amazing logic that almost melted Tjuz's CPU. Oddly enough I haven't seen any of our hired Santas take their clothes off, a little bit of a double standard there. You'd probably like his magic staff, you could mount it next to your sword, teleport around England like hipster Merlin.

Food is very mixed, we don't always follow traditions because we're very mixed and international. Last year was maybe two hundred people, that's a lot of different preferences. I was hoping for half that this year since we've been hosting dinner parties almost nightly. Traditionally it's a lot of fish, porks, some birds like chicken maybe goose, dumplings. We fire into the air to ring in the new year, which isn't exactly safe but it's a tradition in my Family at least. The method is to not fire straight up. Either rifles or handguns, I use the latter, at a tilt works. Then there are fireworks, followed by whatever the guys get up to, partying, dancing, music. Maybe some fighting, but con-sensually, just with fists. What I'm saying is my Christmas isn't like The Muppets, one time in England I had a reindeer. That was memorable.