Topic: The Who or What Is Your Avatar And Or The Reasoning Behind It Thread

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@ZeroE I saw it that time.

I later come to understand through therapy that she was manipulating me the whole time.

• Not a lot of men realize that's happening and when they do they don't tell anyone because it's almost seen as taboo to be a victim. Then things are left to linger and escalate over time.

I spend a massive amount of time sleeping. It's the only true escape that I get.

• I don't sleep, so you got me there. I'm not sure I'd like to sleep so much of my life away. Mine is inverted, staying awake is my escape from sleep. Hence posting here at five in the morning, I stayed up all night talking to Ravix again. I use that insomnia to read, study, grow, accelerate my learning. I turned it into a tool, but I should sleep more.

I go out of my way to avoid feeling too much, rather practicing stoicism to avoid something that can make me happy, sad, angry, whatever.

• We were talking about Marcus Aurelius and Stoicism recently in the book thread, maybe two weeks ago. I probably mentioned his work in a couple of my recent posts too. His work and Inner Citadel has been a huge help for me, I learned about inner peace and authenticity from him. Also from Friedrich Nietzsche. My point was that loneliness and solitude are two very different things. The latter is a tool, and when used correctly amplifies learning, self-mastery and authenticity, once one gets away from the herd of course. But that distance needs to be balanced, hence I joined this site. Maybe that's why you did to.

  Eventually completely losing my friends, my interests, my hobbies. My whole life.

• You just mentioned my Ex word for word, look on chit chat. I mentioned this this evening, all we need to do is switch 'she' to 'he', I'm seeing a lot of similarities in what you wrote. I lost my friends because he deleted all of my PSN contacts, phone contacts, email contacts. I lost my hobby because he took said PS5 because 'you can't manage your time'. Are you sure you weren't living with a narcissist? mine was a psychopath too, not a good mix.

Abusing me slowly but consistently day after day, year after year.

• Once again, this happens a lot and very few men report it. I work with domestic violence organizations and see a lot of men who were on the receiving end. They tell absolutely no one, even if it's physical. They'd rather stand there and take the blows because 'I was raised not hit a woman', so I asked 'was she raised to hit a man?'. It's a dangerous double standard, you dodged a bullet. If I hit a man I'd expect to be hit back, abuse is abuse regardless of how people colour it. People are people, fists are fists.

Even now I can't sleep in a bed alone, choosing to use a sofa I got given for free while my bed lays empty. I close my eyes at night hoping I don't wake up.

• Those are serious words. I once heard someone say the same thing. We played an online game together, he shared with no one else but me. Pretended he was fine to the rest of the group. One day he didn't show up, then the next. A week later I had a message on his account, it was his sister. We got on chat and she told me exactly what I suspected. I told him for weeks to seek serious help and tell someone, he never did. He wasn't the only one either, someone else I knew did the same thing. Around the same age.

I'm not being rude but men just don't share their feelings, they shoulder so much and then something (usually alcohol) tips them over, amplifies what's there, and then it's too late. When I did use the PSN for online gaming people would just open up and tell me things, I'd listen. So many of the guys who were terminally online had serious issues with depression and weren't seeking help. It was absolutely rampant, I was there for my own escapism too but I wasn't depressed or sad, they were and I saw it so much across all age groups.

You need to take better care of yourself. It's not good to wake up every day thinking 'I don't want to be here today'. No one deserves to live like that. In my honest opinion you won't find love until you learn to love yourself, believe me I know. I have my happily ever after but it didn't happen until I realized that. It took having to be with a Sadist and psychopath before I learned what it even meant to be a person. I was lucky, not a lot of people are.

I'm not seeking happiness. Rather, balance. And with that, internal peace. I

• Aristotle said that to find peace you need to first find balance, then after that happiness will come from within and radiate outwards to others. Epictetus argued that you can't achieve balance or inner peace without first finding and harassing the things that are within your control. I've always found comfort from 'True pleasure comes not from excess, but from balance' and it's true, you can have everything in the world and have nothing. Not without balance, I live by those words, and without balance I can't survive, if I can't survive I can't thrive. You need to first find the things that are within your control, take it one day at a time. Life is far too short to allow some chemicals in your brain to steal it away from you.

  If I got held up at gunpoint, I wouldn't beg for my life, at all. I just don't care.

• Look what I posted in chit chat. I have been, more than once. I choose survival each time. So did those around me, my life is not someone else's to take, nor is it mine to take either. You might not believe this but all life is a gift, we are often just blind to it, I was.