First-Time Fantasy: "Twiggy" Plays Final Fantasy VII For The First-Time.

Join him as he catalogues his progress but beware, if you’re still planning on playing through Final Fantasy VII for yourself, there are spoilers ahead.</em>

"Mouth to mouth!?" I exclaim. "She's just a girl." Ahh, Final Fantasy VII's repressed innuendo returns. I'd wondered where it had gone. You see, myself and my chosen army of three (Tifa of course, and Barrett) just saved the young Priscilla from a giant serpent named erm, Bottomswell. No, not the most menacing of names but you should have seen him. He was huge!

Upon saving the girl, she was pretty much unconscious. Putting my tongue down her throat — I mean, breathing life into her lungs (obviously) helped, and now she wants to help me discover the location of that infernal big-band music.

You see, the port of Junon is set just below a big Shinra hanger, and Priscilla's pet dolphin can help me make the climb. Her dolphin jumps really high. Super irritating timing that jump, mind. Eventually I land it, and I feel like a gate-crasher. This is Rufus' inauguration, the new president of Shinra.

Sneakily posed as a Shinra soldier, I celebrate our new leader's promotion, and set about analysing present company. Rufus seems harsh. Cold. Jerk-ish. And his number two Heidegger is no different, gaffawing like a girl at everything he utters.

I hear of a boat heading to another continent. Seeing as Sephiroth can't be found in Junon, I figure taking this trip might be necessary. I jump on board and set sail, with a group of disguised Shinra members. My friends: Red XIII, Aeris... Tifa.

"I'll keep watch," she tells me. Wink-wink-nudge-nudge. No Tifa; I'll keep watch.

Game Clock: 08:45:12