First-Time Fantasy: "Twiggy" Plays Final Fantasy VII For The First-Time.

Join him as he catalogues his progress but beware, if you’re still planning on playing through Final Fantasy VII for yourself, there are spoilers ahead.</em>

I'm starting to realise why everyone loves Final Fantasy VII so. When I left you last time, I'd been hanging with the lovely Tifa. Shortly after that, we headed straight back to another generator thing. We needed to blow it. Turns out it all went a bit wrong. After a short encounter with the Shinra president (and a boss-fight), I found myself clutching a ledge. That jerk Barrett wouldn't save me, so I fell. And found myself in the arms of the "Flower Girl".

Turns out the "Flower Girl" isn't called the "Flower Girl", she's actually Aeris and I think she's got a crush on me. Well at least, that's the impression I got when I told her Tifa was my girlfriend. There's a lot more humour and sensitivity in Final Fantasy VII than I imagined. I love the teenage angst.

Turns out Aeris is being hunted and needs a bodyguard. Naturally I step in and escort her safely home. Her Mum doesn't think much to me though. Despite being offered a nights rest, apparently I should leave. "Aeris has had enough heartache." So I creep out. I escape. But I'm no further than a few yards down the road when I encounter Aeris. "You're up early," she declares. Apparently this girl's no idiot.

We're reminiscing about love and relationships in a children's playground when a kart comes flying past. "Is that - Tifa!?!" I yell. "We should follow them," exclaims Aeris.

Turns out we're in some kind of town, and Tifa's at an interview with the Don. He's looking for a wife apparently. We gotta find a way in, but the doorman'll only let ladies inside. Apparently Aeris is pretty enough. But as for me. I'm too manly.

So we consider buying me some clothes. And this is the point I really start to fall in love with Final Fantasy VII; when it dawns on me I'm going to have to dress up as a lady to get to the Don. See the guy who owns the clothes shop is too busy drinking in the bar to make clothes. So we need to win him over. We inform him of a special project. A way to make me pretty. He buys it, and makes me a dress. But the outfit's missing something. A wig. Apparently there are plenty of people "like that" at the gym, they'll help me out. I enquire at the gym, and apparently the pretty boys there want to challenge me to a Squats competition in order to get a wig. Naturally I win, and we're back to the Don.

Looking totally "hot" the doormen lets myself and Aeris inside, and we're soon in the company of Tifa. Apparently the Don's privy to some secret information, and getting into his good books is the only way to extract it. We're summoned into the Don's office for our interview, in which he looks upon us like a perve. He chooses Tifa, and casts myself and Aeris out to his employees.

Ogled by the idiots I decide it's time I withdrew my disguise and kick their ass. Now to find Aeris and Tifa. With Aeris free we enter the Don's bedroom where a horny whale tries to seduce the lovely Tifa. We threaten him with information and he tell us Sector 7 is about to be destroyed.

We leg it back to the "Hideout".

Game clock: 02:51:49.