Ok, resolutions. Again, I will say that these are not so much resolutions but more just neccesities based on current circumstance. I've got immediate stuff I need to work on and stuff that can wait. I'll start with the immediate stuff. I will also probably be annoyingly vague about certain things...
Work on my relationship. I haven't been happy for a long time. Years even. Both in myself and in my relationship. I was doing stuff (hiding feelings, being unattentive etc) to make my life easy and it just built up and built up until it became untenable. I dropped a nuke on my relationship before Xmas and we are still dealing with the fallout. I am really hoping that if it continues, we can work together to be stronger and more open, honest and accepting of eachother.
Get Counselling. I've considered it many times over the years but always bottled out. Before I dropped this nuke, I'd decided to go for it because of how much I'd bottled up. Now I am liberated but know that I/she/we will need counselling to deal with it and ourselves. It won't be what I thought it would be and I don't want to "fix" myself but I am cautiously optimistic that a professional may help us deal with our issues.
Get a job that I can be happy with. I more or less had a nervous breakdown when my last contract ended a few months ago. Not because I had "lost my job" but because of how much I'd bottled up during my time there, quite simply because I didn't have any free time to "be healthy". So when my time became my own again, everything I was feeling just came out and came back. It hit me really hard, I couldn't get out of bed most days, I couldn't find enjoyment in anything, life just sucked so hard. I'm not typical in my job search. I really don't want a repeat of my last place. I want to work somewhere with either a short commute or with some days a week working remotely. I don't want to write off 5 out of 7 days a week, I want my evenings to be more than just "getting ready for the next day" and I want my weekends to be more than just resting, recovering and recuperating ready for the next week of the torture that I had become numb to in order to endure. So I won't just be applying for everything and hoping to land something. I will continue to take my time and think about the places I apply to, making sure it's a place I want to work and an arrangement that I am satisfied to be apart of. I might not be successful and it might take me a long time to find somewhere that'll have me with this approach but I just can't go back to an unrewarding job, knowing that every day I spend in the office is one day closer to my eventual death.
Medium term goals:
Continue to deal with my hoarding. I've done a lot this year, I've trimmed about 70% of my dvd/ blu ray collection and I want to do more. I want to get rid of a lot of comics and graphic novels. I even want to get rid of a few games. I definitely want to get rid of a lot of my Lego. Unfortunately I also want to get some money back for these things. That will be the hardest part for me. It will take a long time, dealing with CEX, dealing with eBay, potentially dealing with other auction houses for more valuable stuff like all my 20+ year old Pokémon cards. But the baby steps I've taken this year feel like not enough and make me feel like it's insurmountable but also makes me feel invigorated and inspired to continue. Yes conflicting feelings are confusing but I am human and just have to face that I can feel two opposite things at once.
Stop Eating. My over eating and stress eating that I have been using to cope this last year has to end. I don't do drugs any more and haven't done for many many years so instead I ate to cope. I am not sure how achievable this goal is, recent stress has already reduced my appetite but I am hoping that counselling and facing my problems head on will help keep me stable and aware that reaching for a chocolate bar isn't the answer.
Write more, do more creative things. I want to finish that script I started writing years ago. I want to start making videos for YouTube. I want to finish that rap album I dreamed of. I need to do this. I don't want to hold myself back any more. I need to become happier and more confident with myself. I need to bat away (accept and tackle in a healthy way) feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Feelings that I or what I make just aren't good enough and therefore not worth pursuing. I'm hoping this will come naturally. The heartbreak and emotional stress I've experienced recently has already inspired me to consider going back to creative endeavours even if I have yet to put pen to paper. I'm hoping I move forward with this.
Longer term goal:
Exercise. I don't have much time right now, I am still making sense of the landscape I find myself in. I am hoping I will stabilise and my time commitments will normalise and I will find time to improve my physical health. What's the point of being scared of death everyday if I am doing nothing to prevent it. I need to stop eating junk and I need to exercise. I don't have time right now but I will find it eventually. I just need things to go back to slightly better than normal before I find that time.
Main goal:
Stop living with regret. I may seem atypical in that I don't regret things I've done, I regret things I don't do. I regret turning down opportunities. I regret the road not taken. I don't want to live like that any more. I want the best of both worlds. There are many reasons why I can't have the best of both worlds but I want to work toward having what I can. It will be hard, I may end up alone but I know I can't continue living in the way I have been living. I might lose everything in this perhaps foolish pursuit of happiness but it can't be worse than waking up every day feeling numb and isolated inside my own head.
Immediate goals: 2/3 done/well in progress. Only thing I didn't do is get a job that I'm really happy with but that is in very much in progress. Counselling was OK but I only had ten sessions on NHS, will probably go and get some more when I have some money.
Medium Term Goals:
Hoarding, had a very good crack at it, managed to get all my remaining films, shows and games onto two book shelves which I'm very pleased with. Still got a few dvds to rip and then dispose of and I might do a few more. Still got Lego and comics to sort through but I'll probably do at least the Lego this year.
Stop Eating, this has been up and down throughout the year but I've been tracking calories lately so I feel happy with it right now. Still have a few stressful binges late at night but at least by counting the calories of those binges, I'm stopping earlier/eating lower calorie foods.
Be more creative. Yes I am actually really pleased with this, it's not something I thought was going to happen but has been helped along by two things. One I go to a yoga class where the teacher is really nice and makes me feel good and two, I joined an improv theatre group which has been really fun and has helped me let go of a lot of my inhibitions.
Both of these things have given me a lot of confidence and I think as a direct result, randomly before Xmas, I started making music again. Something I haven't done in probably like 15 years. I just keep making tracks and I'm going to keep going until I can release an album or at least an EP. I won't say much more on it because I don't want to jinx it but when/if it gets finished, I will post it here for people to listen to. But yeah, I'm really happy with that and really proud of myself for finally taking the leap with it.
I haven't done any prose or script writing this year. I've tried a couple of video projects but nothing I'm too proud of so I am going to focus on the music for now because it actually seems achievable and realistic. Which I am amazed by because it's always been a life long dream to release an album or equivalent, and I genuinely thought that's all it would ever be, a dream.
Long term goals:
Exercise. Been on and off throughout the year but Ive been doing a lot lately so I hope I can continue. That along with calorie counting, it's been decent. I'll have to cut back on exercise when I get a proper job but I am definitely leaning toward getting a part time job so I can keep up a good work life balance and have time for exercise, creative endeavours and other things that are important to me.
Main Goal:
Living with regret, I've done a lot to mitigate this but it's not a 100% thing. I think generally I am a lot happier and have better mind set though even if it's not 100% consistent.
Overall:
Looking back at these goals now, I am actually really surprised how much of it I've done. By no means has it been a picnic and I feel like a lot of it came together in the last few months but I am actually quite satisfied with my progress. Hopefully it carries on into '24
1) Lose at least thirty pounds by the end of the year.
2) Start lifting weights and going on lengthy walks again.
3) Obtain a driver's license.
4) Get back to studying Japanese.
5) Write every day, and submit a piece for publication at least once per month.
6) Never take the small moments with loved ones for granted.
A lot of this is honestly just getting back to where I was earlier in 2022. The back half of last year, and especially last month, put me through an emotional blender, and the impact on my habits and personal life have been catastrophic.
It's tempting to just use all this as an excuse to continue letting myself go, but I have the feeling that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to eventually return to an emotionally healthy place.
So I'll just push through and achieve my goals through force of will.
1) lmao epic success I lost 70+ pounds.
2) Oh yes. Using the home gym to increase my strength and have been getting 10,000 - 20,000 steps every single day.
3) Got very close. Will likely get it this month.
4) lol nah. Planning to change that, though.
5) Ugh, no. I've been terrible.
6) Been trying my best.
The very, very end of 2023 was a little unfortunate, but otherwise it was a year or tremendous personal and spiritual growth. Hoping 2024 will be even better on that front.
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Topic: Non-Gaming Resolutions for the New Year of 2023
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