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Who Would Win April Fools' Day: Kazuo Hirai vs. Giant Enemy Crab

Posted by Robert Ramsey

Crab battle

We know what you're thinking: "It's not Wednesday! How blessed I am to be able to vote on another of my favourite weekly brawls!" Or at least, that's what we hope that you're thinking. Due to the popularity of Push Square's weekly feature, which sees popular PlayStation characters duke it out in order to determine who's the strongest, we thought that we'd bring this week's match-up forward a day so that you can bask in the glory of what is undoubtedly the greatest fight that the world has ever seen. Whoever achieves victory here today will likely go on to rule over the Earth with an iron fist, so read all about our combatants and then cast your all-important vote in our poll. Let the battle to decide the fate of mankind begin!

Kazuo Hirai

Many know him only as Sony's CEO, but in reality, Earth's greatest hero and strongest warrior Kazuo 'Kaz' Hirai has pulled humanity from the brink of extinction time and time again. Although he's been far too busy protecting us from the dangers of the galaxy to attend Sony's most recent E3 press conferences, we've missed his enigmatic presence nonetheless. In combat, the luminary makes use of a multitude of devastating techniques. Wielding a prototype DualShock 4 which boasts a light bar so bright that it would blind a mere mortal, you need only call out "RIDGE RACER" for the grin-wearing champion to appear. Most impressive of all, however, is his ability to fight from any range thanks to an endless supply of unsold PlayStation Vita consoles, which he can fling with such might that they break the sound barrier.

Giant Enemy Crab

First appearing in actual Japanese history, the fearsome Giant Enemy Crab has been terrorizing our planet ever since. Capable of eradicating entire cities from existence with a single swing of one of its gigantic claws, the only known way to survive a fight with the beast is to run away as fast as you possibly can. Thankfully, the incredible crustacean can only travel sideways, meaning that humanity at least has time to regroup its forces in between each attack. But even then, its armour is so thick and its lust for destruction so great that the world's mightiest armies have never managed to even scratch the monster, let alone stop its rampage. However, legends tell of a single weak point that the creature possesses, and when exposed, it can be attacked for massive damage.

Will everyone's favourite gaming personality save us from the tyranny of the Giant Enemy Crab? Vote for your winner in our poll, and tell us how you think the battle would unfold in the comments section below.

Who do you think would win this April Fools' Day? (42 votes)

Kazuo Hirai


Giant Enemy Crab


Please login to vote in this poll.

[ Thanks to LordBagardo for the header image ]

User Comments (19)



NicolaHayden said:

I'm gonna have to side with the Giant Enemy Crab on this one. With how well the Vita did over Christmas, Hirai has less long range ammo to go with and will need to make the fight up close and personal. It will take a while to smash through that armour and the crab does have elite strafing skills. With a few dozen mega claws to the head will do the trick.



eliotgballade said:

whilst i love shouting "rrrrrrridge RACER" the sheer rediculousness of giant enemy crab gets the win for me



N711 said:

I voted quickly I thought the giant crab was M$.. Not sure now



Jaz007 said:

Kaz would deal with that Crab for breakfast. He would find its weak point, and obliterate it with the glory of the Dualahock 4. So when does the movement to make Kaz king of the world start? He will lead is to an endless golden age!
(Also, best Vs. ever, even if Kaz is too obvious a choice, expect for those who have lost their way...)



Epic said:

The only one that gets excited over Ridge Racer, of course xD



adamjramsey said:

It would be a huge battle, but I think Kaz would pull through. Being an expert on ACTUAL JAPANESE HISTORY, and also a master of attacking WEAK POINTS for MASSIVE DAMAGE, he would eventually smite the foul beast with his legendary Aegis of Vita and Cudgel of Move.



InsertNameHere said:

The Vita has been selling better lately, so Kaz doesn't have much to work with, but his ultimate technique: the Sony-hameha should do the trick.



Madd_Hatter401 said:

Not a gigantic fanboy so I went with the obvious pick.. giant crab. (Insert sarah mclachlan song) Meanwhile many reality show "stars" suffer from tiny enemy crabs.. just $250.00 a day to the jersey shore fund can make a difference in the life of stereo typical east coast Americans. Make a difference, you can help teen moms and non menstruating house wives



ShogunRok said:

If anyone's wondering where the tagline "Crab battle" comes from, you should watch this:
(This video does contain some strong language)



ComicBookGuy said:

Giant enemy crab kicked off the downturn of Sony. Kaz saved the company and made them awesome again. Kaz, a winner is you.



Alpha said:

@ShogunRok OMG XD I Remember that video lol First thing i thought when i saw this article i thought that vid instantly xD

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