Sony’s gone cinematic adaptation insane. Not content with the Ratchet & Clank and Heavenly Sword movies announced last year, the firm has now confirmed that cunning raccoon robber Sly Cooper is set to sneak into theatres in a couple of years. With the platform holder clearly seeing the appeal of bringing its brands to the big screen, though, it’s prompted us to ponder which other properties from the PlayStation archives deserve an opportunity to waltz down the red carpet. Included below are some of the franchises that we think would fit the full motion picture format best – and some daft plot pitches to boot.

Blasto

Released as part of a corporate push to bring the borderline plagiaristic Blasto back from the dead, this big screen reboot would retell the Batman-esque hero’s origin story, as he battles the nefarious space tyrant Bosc for complete control of Planet Uranus. The movie would adopt the guise of a big DreamWorks summer smash, complete with glossy graphics, plenty of action, and more raised eyebrows than a James Bond flick with Roger Moore in the iconic role.

EyePet

A feel good affair for everyone, this fusion of real actors and animated animals would see an idealistic suburban family adopt an EyePet – and expose all of the adventures that they get up to together. The rousing finale would see the titular fur ball crushed by a golf cart while holidaying in Orlando, but after a few nail biting veterinary scenes, the cuddly character would survive to see another day. (Or cynical sequel.)

The Getaway

A real-life action thriller shot in the seedy underbelly of London, the cast for The Getaway almost writes itself. Ex-Wimbledon midfielder turned Hollywood hard man Vinnie Jones would shave his head for the role of chief antagonist and Bethnal Green Mob boss Charlie Jolson, while star of the recent The Sweeney reboot Plan B would fall into the suit of conflicted protagonist Mark Hammond. Ray Winstone, Billy Murray, and Danny Dyer would all appear, too. Duh.

Journey

An arthouse indie animation produced by a group of underground Parisian posers, Journey would be a short film designed to convey emotions so deep that the common man has yet to even acknowledge them. This would almost certainly be the biggest commercial flop on this list, but Oxford media graduates would preserve its legacy by writing papers on its philosophical importance for decades to come.

Patapon

An ear-shattering musical in the vein of an old-school Disney movie, the Patapon picture would focus on the rise of one intrepid monochrome swordsman against the evil Zigoton Empire. Featuring elaborate animated dance sequences and noisier kick drums than the kind that come from a boy racer’s car stereo, this flick would have the potential to drive future parents mad when their hypnotised sprogs demand to watch the inevitable Nickelodeon re-runs.

Pursuit Force

Designed to capitalise upon the popularity of the Fast & Furious flicks, Pursuit Force would see a heavily made-up Nicholas Cage adopt the role of a down on his luck cop wrestling against a ragtag band of clichéd gangs. Rather than waste its budget on a quality screenplay, this movie would invest every last penny into outrageous special effects – the majority of which would focus on ol’ Ghost Rider leaping between different vehicles like a Jack-in-the-Box.

SingStar

A romantic comedy that tells the tale of a totally not typecast Anne Hathaway, this fist-pumping flick would plot the rise of the world’s oldest teenage misfit from video game karaoke queen to world renowned pop princess. Actually an elaborate advertisement, SingStar would boast prominent promotions for the popular PlayStation product of the same name, and would launch alongside a special set of pink microphones for your PS4.

Twisted Metal

Series creator David Jaffe would front this attempt to transform Twisted Metal anti-hero Sweet Tooth into the slasher movie star that he’s clearly always wanted him to be. With a budget slimmer than the crazed clown’s conscious, this rotten tomato would target the lowest common denominator with burnt out Camaros and more decapitated body parts than Frankenstein’s lab. Worryingly, it would probably also top the box office charts.


Which of these proposed pictures do you think would win an Oscar, or do you think that they’ll all dead certs for a coveted Golden Raspberry Award? Blow your PlayStation movie ideas up to the big screen courtesy of the comments section below.

Which of these PlayStation properties would you like to see on the big screen? (38 votes)

Blasto

5%

EyePet

  0%

The Getaway

3%

Journey

21%

Patapon

11%

Pursuit Force

3%

SingStar

3%

Twisted Metal

29%

Other

26%

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