Stella Artois swigging eight-year-old Damian Garside has told Santa that he wants a PlayStation 4 for Christmas – and if he doesn’t get one, he’ll be making an animal smoothie out of his sister’s pet kitten. The hard-as-nails pre-pubescent tearaway from Crewe – pictured dragging on an unlit cigarette – issued the hilarious/disgusting ultimatum to Saint Nicholas as part of a holiday letter.

The entire literary masterpiece – posted in his school’s Christmas letterbox – reads: “Yo Santa. I’ve not been good this year and I ****ing won’t be. No chance. But I want a PS4 with all of the games for Crissmas [sic], ok? If I don’t get a PS4 off you, I will put our Shannice’s kitten in Mum’s blender and mince the ****er up. So get me a PS4. Luv Damian.”

According to one teacher at the boy’s school, the youngster delivered the letter while reeking of “ale and fags”. The tutor supposedly explained: “He stuffed his letter into the Santa box and just marched out, booting several of the smaller children as he went. I opened the box and when I read it I almost sobbed. Needless to say, the letter will not be heading to the North Pole.”

Given the source, we don’t recommend putting any stock into this report at all. Still, we secretly hope that ol’ Kris Kringle does bring the pint-sized menace a new console this Christmas, as we look forward to spending the majority of Boxing Day pumping the idiot full of fictional lead in Killzone: Shadow Fall.

[via Sunday Sport]